Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (Full Version)

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littlesarbonn -> Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 2:46:07 PM)

Okay, a female friend of mine at the university where I'm at knows all about my submissive lifestyle, even though I'm not in a submissive relationship at the moment. She and I have been friends for a year and a half now, and while we spend lots of time together as "friends" I came to the realization that she was one of those "friends" that was going to remain a friend. As someone on these boards is prone to often state to me, that means "she not really interested in me." And that's fine. So we go to the movies, watch DVDs at mine and her place, and we hang out at school in very innocent circumstances. She knows all about my lifestyle past and hasn't really made much of a commentary on that.

So, out of the blue, she started a conversation that was along the lines of "Isn't your submissive desire usually to please your partner?" She was addressing information we've discussed about me, not submissives in general. And yes, I've said that sort of thing over and over both here and to her. So, she throws out a whammy: "What if you were told to please your partner by dominating her?" I kind of brushed it off because it's not a conversation I haven't had with people in the past, and I'm just not the dominant sort. At least not to my general being.

But then she starts bringing up some interesting points: "When we're together, you have no problem deciding what movie we should watch, and I love your choices. When you help me with school, you have little problem 'instructing me' how I should do better. Whenever we're in a group conversation and I'm stuck at the next thing to say to someone and turn to you, you have no problem getting me back on track. Wouldn't you say this translates to someone who might be dominant?"

I said I have what appears to be social dominance because I know how to interact well in group surroundings. She didn't buy it. She said that if I was truly submissive (yes, I can't tell you how many ridiculous situations have started with those words) then I should have no problem dominating her if it brought her pleasure.

So, any thoughts on this word puzzle? Aside from, "Hoo Yeah! Go for it Cartoon Stickboy!"?



Justme696 -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 2:47:44 PM)

when i saw the title i had to think about a "switch"
but now i gonna read your post :)

___
read;

Well you submit to one, not the whole world. She propably think a "real" sub does what she wants too?
Just don't get confused by a friends view on your lifestyle when they didn't do any research. But i can imagine those discussions make you feel soem weird.



topcat -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 3:01:00 PM)

Dear Sarbonn,
 
Hoo yeah! Go for it, Cartoon stickboy!<g>.
 
Seriously, I know a lot of what some refer to as 'Service Tops', and far too many dominant partners who present as 'submissives', so why not? I am sure that, with your level of awareness and insight, that you'd be able to flip the dynamic to some extent to get what feeds your needs as well.
 
go for it, indeed.
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 3:30:42 PM)

And what about topping someone who enjoys sensation play?  I'm sure you could handle that, Multifaceted Guy!



Lordandmaster -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 3:38:24 PM)

There are plenty of dommes who enjoy bottoming.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 3:59:03 PM)

It really depends on whether you're basing submission on "pleasing another" (cuz plenty of doms LOVE to do things that please their sub) or whether you're sticking to who is in the position of authority.

And whether you're discussing what you DO to eachother, or how the dynamic flows.

But ultimately, if you can imagine it, it's out there.  Ds isn't nearly as clear cut or easily boxed as so many wish it were or pretend to make it.



Rushemery -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:17:09 PM)

you can have a dominant personality but still be submissive to someone, there are lots of people who someones boss and yet go home and be submissive to theirs



SadisticBastid -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:28:03 PM)

Hmm... a Dominant submissive... I don't know... I'm pretty sure that I'll be one of VERY few people who feels this way... specially in the day and age where everyone seems to think BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex LOL.... but I don't believe in Dominant submissives, or Submissive Dominants, or even switches LOL. If you're going to submit, then submit damn it... and if you're going to Dominate, then you better take responsibility for being a Dominant.

If you're going to do something... give it your all.... How on earth can you say you are submitting completely to your Master, or Dom if you are trying to Dom someone else too? Who do your loyalties lie with? Serving your Master? or Guiding your submissive? Oh thats right... its not about guidance or responsabilty... its just about kinky sex... I forgot.

But hey... in this day and age, a dominant seems to be nothing more than a guy who knows how to swing a flogger... or looks REAL good with that stupid florantine flogging, or figure 8 bullshit, or whatever else looks flashy. Its all about appearances, and absolutely nothing about substance. There was a day when you were expected to actually be responsible for your own life first, before you expected someone else to submit to you LOL... now all you have to do is have enough money to buy some toys LOL.

Is it possible? Hell... people think being a submissive means the only time you're expected to submit is in the bedroom... so I guess anything is possible LOL



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:30:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rushemery

you can have a dominant personality but still be submissive to someone, there are lots of people who someones boss and yet go home and be submissive to theirs

agreed - i have a strong dominant and aggressive side to me in which i can lead people to get things done right and on time. while on the flipside, i'm submissive to my dominants when the time calls for it.



TheLookingGirl -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:34:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rushemery

you can have a dominant personality but still be submissive to someone, there are lots of people who someones boss and yet go home and be submissive to theirs


This is what I thought of too. Just because you are able to make your own decisions dosen't mean you are not "truely" submissive.  As far as a submissive being dominant to please her "dom" or "domme"...well that would definatly be interesting. I hate how people use "switch" as an explanation for this sort of thing, or anything out of the normal "dom/sub" ho-hum "You do what I say" "I'll do what you say" relationship.  If they are asking you to dominante them as a form of humilation as they know it makes you uncomforatble or whatever, is it still switch? What about if they ask you to dominate them and to do to them what you want done to YOU. Still switch? Or just as a way of control that you will do exactly what they tell you, even if it means reversing the roles of the relationship. Call that switch? I think not.



bamabbwsub -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:35:29 PM)

First, I say: "Hoo Yeah! Go for it Cartoon Stickboy!" :)

quote:

But then she starts bringing up some interesting points: "When we're together, you have no problem deciding what movie we should watch, and I love your choices. When you help me with school, you have little problem 'instructing me' how I should do better. Whenever we're in a group conversation and I'm stuck at the next thing to say to someone and turn to you, you have no problem getting me back on track. Wouldn't you say this translates to someone who might be dominant?"


I'd say what she is describing is a decisive, helpful person -- not a dominant one. Also, because you aren't in a dynamic with her, you can be less than submissive with her because your roles have not been established. To me, your behavior shows a tendency towards being helpful (helping her do better, helping get her back on track in a conversation), which is most often a trait of submissiveness.


quote:

I said I have what appears to be social dominance because I know how to interact well in group surroundings. She didn't buy it. She said that if I was truly submissive (yes, I can't tell you how many ridiculous situations have started with those words) then I should have no problem dominating her if it brought her pleasure.


I am only submissive to a Dom who earns my respect, but not to people in general. I'm a very independent, self-reliant person, which necessitates that I have to take control in my daily life -- paying bills, dealing with issues at work, etc. That doesn't make me dominant. Also, I've found that most Dominants (my experience is with men only, however), don't ask their submissives to dominate them. That would most likely change the dynamic, and most Doms aren't comfortable with that, as it confuses the roles for both.





LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:40:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticBastid
but I don't believe in Dominant submissives, or Submissive Dominants, or even switches LOL.

Ohh yay I'm like Santa Claus now!

quote:

How on earth can you say you are submitting completely to your Master, or Dom if you are trying to Dom someone else too?

I open my mouth and speak the words "I submit completely to my master and dominate my submissive."

quote:

 Who do your loyalties lie with? Serving your Master? or Guiding your submissive? Oh thats right... its not about guidance or responsabilty... its just about kinky sex... I forgot.

Just because your small closed mind can't comprehend polyamory or someone being smart and capable enough to handle multiple orientations and relationships at once doesn't mean they don't exist or work very well.



SadisticBastid -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:45:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I open my mouth and speak the words "I submit completely to my master and dominate my submissive."



LOL... I rest my case.... you think being a Dominant or a submissive requires nothing more than just "Opening your mouth and speaking words" LOL



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:49:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticBastid
LOL... I rest my case.... you think being a Dominant or a submissive requires nothing more than just "Opening your mouth and speaking words" LOL

No.

You said "How do you say you are both?"

I responded with "I say it like this." 

Now, if you had said "How ARE you as both?" my answer would have been different.

You need to be more careful in the questions you ask.



bamabbwsub -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:51:06 PM)

quote:

How on earth can you say you are submitting completely to your Master, or Dom if you are trying to Dom someone else too? Who do your loyalties lie with? Serving your Master? or Guiding your submissive?


Perhaps it can be compared to being in middle management: Do what your boss says, but boss around your underlings. :)



SadisticBastid -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:52:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
No.

You said "How do you say you are both?"

I responded with "I say it like this." 

Now, if you had said "How ARE you as both?" my answer would have been different.

You need to be more careful in the questions you ask.


LOL... First you act like a smart ass trying to be "cute" and now you're acting like a dumb ass saying I need to be clear so you "understand what I'm trying to say"? LOL... make up your mind will ya?



angelslave77 -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:55:30 PM)

I am an organiser, I  am assertive, hell some would call me bossy. I am raising 4 ums on my own, I am a strong independant woman who knows my own mind. I am however also submissive by nature. Once Sir moves in with us I know some of the day to day descions around the house will be handed to him and I am more than ok with that. But simply because I am capable of making my own desicions does not make me any less submissive any more than it makes me dominant. I am the way I am because thats how I need to be in order to survive in the world. I think if you look at submissives in general you would not tell from their day to day lives because most submit only to thier Dominant, not everyone around them.

I will add that ocassionally my Sir asks me to top him and I do it because he asks but I am very bad at it and I dont enjoy it much and it certainly isnt something I seek but nor is it a hard limit



scarlettwitch -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 4:59:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticBastid

Hmm... a Dominant submissive... I don't know... I'm pretty sure that I'll be one of VERY few people who feels this way... specially in the day and age where everyone seems to think BDSM is nothing more than kinky sex LOL.... but I don't believe in Dominant submissives, or Submissive Dominants, or even switches LOL. If you're going to submit, then submit damn it... and if you're going to Dominate, then you better take responsibility for being a Dominant.

If you're going to do something... give it your all.... How on earth can you say you are submitting completely to your Master, or Dom if you are trying to Dom someone else too? Who do your loyalties lie with? Serving your Master? or Guiding your submissive? Oh thats right... its not about guidance or responsabilty... its just about kinky sex... I forgot.

But hey... in this day and age, a dominant seems to be nothing more than a guy who knows how to swing a flogger... or looks REAL good with that stupid florantine flogging, or figure 8 bullshit, or whatever else looks flashy. Its all about appearances, and absolutely nothing about substance. There was a day when you were expected to actually be responsible for your own life first, before you expected someone else to submit to you LOL... now all you have to do is have enough money to buy some toys LOL.

Is it possible? Hell... people think being a submissive means the only time you're expected to submit is in the bedroom... so I guess anything is possible LOL


That is precisely the sort of absolutist thinking and labeling that gets people confused and that I personally have no patience for.
1) There ARE no absolutes in BDSM anymore than there is in any other aspect of the human race except birth and death, and even birth can be fudged through the utilization of methods like IVF and surrogates; 2) no Virginia, BDSM is NOT merely all about the "kinky sex"; if that was all it was about, it wouldn't hold the interest of most people worth half their salt for very long; and 3) where was it written that You personally got to decide what everybody else can or should think, or feel, or how they should be defined in their personalities or "roles", or that sharing oneself in (or out of) role, even in more than one role, meant "divided loyalties" or that it was a Bad Thing? That, "Sir", was an insult and negation of every single person, regardless of role, whoever shared of themselves, their time, their love, their spirit, with more than one other person.
Just because 1) You wouldn't do it Yourself, or 2) You dont claim to believe in it doesn't make it wrong or impossible, and does not in any way give You the right to say that anyone who shares in ways that You don't agree with is being irresponsible, disloyal, or is in need of "guidance".
Oh yeah, I almost forgot - You were right about ONE thing: anything really is possible. Remember that, learn it, open Your heart to it, and You may become someone worth submitting to.. someday.
And hey, guess what? I can not only take a joke, but *drum roll pls* I'm a dominant submissive (switch? yeah ok, maybe, but I really hate labels; I mostly prefer to be myself and not worry about it..), and I'm about as real as it gets. So there.



SadisticBastid -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 5:14:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlettwitch
That is precisely the sort of absolutist thinking and labeling that gets people confused and that I personally have no patience for.
1) There ARE no absolutes in BDSM anymore than there is in any other aspect of the human race except birth and death,


It is EXACTLY this kind of attitude thats making everything fall apart in MANY aspects of life, including relationships, marriages, jobs, family values, raising children, and a whole host of other things.

People like you simply don't want to take responsibility for ANYTHING.... You don't want to be held accountable for your actions, or choices. You decide one second that you want to be a submissive... but GOD FORBID anyone should actually hold you to it. No, you want to call yourself a Dominant one second, and a submissive the next... and all along you don't even have the slightest clue as to what the hell either one means? You think being a Dominant is nothing more than tying someone up and beating them... ANY Idiot can do that... thats nothing more than a "TOP". Sure, perhaps you're a skilled top, but you're Damn sure not a Dominant.

A Dominant is someone who actually takes responsibility for the life and future of someone else. A Dominant is someone who takes responsibility for his or her own life, and provides a safe and secure foundation for his or her submissive. No wonder so many submissives feel that there are no good Dominants left... because they don't... Everyone thinks Oh I can call myself a Dominant, but don't expect me to lead you... Don't expect me to offer you a rock to count on... I just want to tie you up, fuck you, and beat you, but if you have any problems, you're on your own LOL.

Absolutes? HAH... you're DAMN right I demand absolutes... You want to call yourself a Dominant one second, and a submissive the next... you go right ahead... I'll just call you confused, and not willing to accept responsibility for anything... you just want the easy way out, and yes... are there times I feel like I'm tired, and that I could wish that I could let go and just not have to worry about anything... not want to take responsibility for anything? Yes there have been... but the difference between you and me is that I take responsibility for the choice I made, and even when I feel like I wish I could quit and take a break... I dont... Why? because its my DUTY... its what I chose, and because someone else is depending on me not to just turn around and say oh I don't feel like being a Dom anymore LOL.

This lifestyle makes me laugh these days LOL



fullofgrace69 -> RE: Is it possible to be a dominant submissive? (1/13/2008 5:17:17 PM)

i'm submissive to certain people, something has to click in me to make me submit to them though i dont just do it cos im submissive. if you asked me mum she'd say i was one of the bossiest people shes ever met, in my day to day life i like to be in control i like to know wots happening and when things need to be done, i'm aiming for a promition in the not too distant future to management. that doesnt make me less submissive though, yes i take charge in my day to day life but wen with a dom i connect with and want to submit to i am one of the most submissive creatures out there......so yes i'd say basing it on me and a few of my friends it is possible to be a dominant submissive, :)



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