Openness (Full Version)

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Ryugen -> Openness (1/10/2008 8:45:42 PM)

Ok so, I have been thinking about the varying openness I'm seeing in different posts on CM. Of course, this lead me to questions and curiosities, and so here I am posting this on the forums. I am curious as to how open you all are in public and to those you consider friends and family about your D/s M/s dynamic, however, don't go about quick replying just yet.

I admit the prospect of walking my pet (read: human pet) in public is exhilerating and I am really looking forward to the day when I take her down the streets of the CBD in my town on a leash. I certainly plan on doing so when I finally have my pet with me in person, amoung other things I intend to do in public. So far as my friends and family go; I've told my mother, and explained to her what an M/s relationship means to me and my pet, etc. She thinks there are many dangerous people in the lifestyle, and that I could achieve similar goals in a vanilla relationship. My father on the other hand has not been informed and I know he has very strong views on such things and it is likely to not end well between us. So, I instead plan on going to christmas dinner at his place actually with my pet instead. That way he'd have to say it in front of her as well and I admit I'd actually gain happiness from his gradual realisation. It might take a while for the entire Master/pet thing to settle in on him though and for him to actually realise I wasn't pulling a practical joke and actually ment it. So far as my friends go, I haven't formally gone about telling everyone I know in person, a few do know though. I haven't explained it in depth, and if they're curious they'll ask, but I doubt any will. If they ask I tell, but I haven't gone about shouting it from the rooftops (yet).

Now, me living in New Zealand means there are a lot of open minded people around and many from different cultures who live in harmony with each other and very minimal friction. This also means I feel safe walking down the street with my pet on a leash in front of so many people in the center of town along the busiest shopping street in the city. I realise not everyone is afforded such openmindedness where they live, and that some people are shy about it and that there are many reasons behind what they choose to do. However, that wont sate my curiosity.

So, my questions for you all are; Are you open about your lifestyle with your family (including children if you have any, although that's a rather different matter I realise)? Are you open to your workmates? Are you open to your friends, and is there a certain required closeness or trust required with people you deem as friends before you tell them?

Also, if you could give me some guage or conditions or explaination for your answers that would be much appreciated. These questions are being asked out of curiosity more than anything else, please keep that in mind.



takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: Openness (1/10/2008 8:59:12 PM)

i don't hide it. i'm proud of it. If asked i will tell, but noone asks. My Owner is originally from Texas and uses yes ma'am and yes sir all the time. so everyonce in a while i get to call him Sir, and people just think i'm copying his southern hospitality.



tinoketsheli -> RE: Openness (1/10/2008 9:09:19 PM)

I am not open about it. I have been trying to tell my best friend for a while without opening saying it, I am sure she will catch on one day (it doesnt help that we dont live in the same state). My parents are of a high orthodox jewish south african social circle so that would not go over so well with them (although my dad did find a pair of handcuffs and a blindfold under my old bed once... that was an interesting conversation).
I also choose not to be very open about it because I do not know what my future career plans are and my goal is to one day hold a public office of some kind. So I dont want to harm that. I am still young as I see it and right now no one else needs to know but those that I choose to know.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Openness (1/10/2008 9:34:15 PM)

I do not recommend coming out during a family holiday, nor putting him in a situation where he may feel trapped.

Coming out is a process for everyone- and you need to respect his boundaries and comfort levels.  Ask yourself if you are coming out for the right reasons.

I'm not saying don't come out to him- simply that there are a hundred other ways of doing so which can make it less stressful for everyone.  Stress may be inevitable, but there may be unnecessary levels easily avoided.



RCdc -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 12:27:16 AM)

Well, talking about children and whether they know is against TOS - and will get your post(or others) pulled if you get answers.
 
As for whether I am 'out' - I am simply 'me'.  I have never seperated any parts of my life so no, I have never had to stand up in front of family and friends and say - 'Hi, I am the.dark. and I am submissive and enjoy BDSM' - but then my Dad is well known for saying 'Oh shes away doing that kinky stuff shes into' - it's not something I suddenly became, it's who I am.  If I want to walk down the street in a collar, I will.  If I want to kneel at Darcys feet in public or friends, I do because he allows it.
 
It's just life, hey.
the.dark.



heartcream -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 12:36:00 AM)

Whoa, I agree with LuckyAlbatross on this one.

The way you propose to out yourself to your dad feels pretty harsh to me.



fullofgrace69 -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 12:56:27 AM)

three nilla friends know bout me, i told one straight away cos well we're stupidly close and i knew she'd understand and her view so long as im happy so what cos at the end of the day if ur gonna be my friend u shuld be my friend wotever just cos im kinky doesnt change who i am bless her, my other two friends who know are cool one can be a bit annoying if out with him cos he'll spend all night trying to spank me but he stops as soon as i spank him (which is weird but hey if it stops the annoyingness so be it lol) and my final friend needed some time needed questions answered but ultimatly was fine with it. my family and work colleaques dont know cos of the nature of my job and cos i dont wanna upset them. simple



AquaticSub -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 1:12:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I do not recommend coming out during a family holiday, nor putting him in a situation where he may feel trapped.

Coming out is a process for everyone- and you need to respect his boundaries and comfort levels.  Ask yourself if you are coming out for the right reasons.

I'm not saying don't come out to him- simply that there are a hundred other ways of doing so which can make it less stressful for everyone.  Stress may be inevitable, but there may be unnecessary levels easily avoided.


What she said.



cherrypez -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 4:46:13 AM)

    I am not open about it.    There are some things that we do that no one would equate to this lifestyle like saying Yes, Sir but normally I call him by his given name.  
  In certain careers such as my case, being open about a kinky lifestyle can get a person in trouble.   Even non kinky private things can effect ones career.   I recently read some place that a girl was denied her teaching degree because she had drunken pictures of herself on her myspace account.   Appearently she is fighting that but the point is, there are some things such as this lifestyle that other's frown up on and in some cases, it is best to be quiet about it.
   If any of my vanilla friends or family were asked, they would say that I am pretty much a prude.   They would assume that I probably have sex in a missionary position with the lights off once a month or less.     That's okay with me, I like knowing that people assume that and are assuming wrong, especially when my butt is welted from the caning the night before.   It's my little secret and it's fun to keep it that way.  



Dnomyar -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 4:58:29 AM)

Let me play the vanilla dad here. If you were to be man enough to come to me and have an open discussion about it I would have no problem with that. If you were to pull a stupid trick like you are planning to do both you and your pet would be out the door before you could blink.  



MistressOfGa -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 5:12:03 AM)

~FR~
We are open about it. If I want him to wear his play collar in public, then that is what he does. In fact one time we went to the water company to pay the bill and a few days later I recieved an email here from someone who says that he saw me and my pup there. He said he wasn't sure if he should approach us (He is a sub) but he did want us to know he saw us (Small town).
As far as family goes, yes they know. There is a 30 year difference between pup and myself, so obviously something is going on besides a girlfriend/boyfriend situation. I have never cared what people thought of me or what I do, I am certainly not going to start now.
 
As far as how you are going to tell your father. Wow. It seems rather cruel and unusual. The holidays is not the time to out yourself or make a big deal about who and what you are. Plenty of time for that later.



AtlantisKing111 -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 5:30:49 AM)

I agree with what others wrote here; outing yourself to your relatives during a holiday is not the best time.  I'd wait until a few weeks after.



Sabella -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 5:33:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ryugen

My father on the other hand has not been informed and I know he has very strong views on such things and it is likely to not end well between us. So, I instead plan on going to christmas dinner at his place actually with my pet instead. That way he'd have to say it in front of her as well and I admit I'd actually gain happiness from his gradual realisation. It might take a while for the entire Master/pet thing to settle in on him though and for him to actually realise I wasn't pulling a practical joke and actually ment it. So far as my friends go, I haven't formally gone about telling everyone I know in person, a few do know though. I haven't explained it in depth, and if they're curious they'll ask, but I doubt any will. If they ask I tell, but I haven't gone about shouting it from the rooftops (yet).
This seems pretty aggressive to me. Are you trying to hurt/anger/upset your father for some reason? Why not afford him the same courtesy you are showing your friends by allowing him the opportunity to ask about it if he wants to know? Instead it seems you will be "shouting" it in his face, in his home and during the holidays. For shame if this is your intent.



fairerthanshe -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:01:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Well, talking about children and whether they know is against TOS - and will get your post(or others) pulled if you get answers.
 
As for whether I am 'out' - I am simply 'me'.  I have never seperated any parts of my life so no, I have never had to stand up in front of family and friends and say - 'Hi, I am the.dark. and I am submissive and enjoy BDSM' - but then my Dad is well known for saying 'Oh shes away doing that kinky stuff shes into' - it's not something I suddenly became, it's who I am.  If I want to walk down the street in a collar, I will.  If I want to kneel at Darcys feet in public or friends, I do because he allows it.
 
It's just life, hey.
the.dark.


Greetings dark,
This is absolutely beautiful.  Thank you for sharing it.

To the OP:
I spent Christmas day with SJ and his parents, sisters and their families.  While his family has some degree of awareness of our kink, we behaved appropriately to the setting.  The little signs between the two of us were just that, between the two of us. 
well wishes ~ fairer than she



Rover -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:11:16 AM)

I am open about my relationship dynamic as that is plainly evident (though I feel no need to provide explanation, terms, definitions, etc).  But I see no need to share those elements that take place behind closed doors (just as I have no interest in what takes place behind my friend's and family's closed doors). 
 
There seems to be several competing issues in regards to being "out".  On the one hand there seems to be a loss of privacy (is that internet driven, or perhaps the result of so many reality shows on television?) in which people want to live their lives in a public fashion.  And on the other hand they can often be heard complaining about those who want to "peek into their bedrooms".  I suppose if you stop putting out bait, they'll stop jumping on the hook.
 
John
 



mhawk -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:19:33 AM)





actually when it comes down to the question at hand,non of U/us,my Lord and my Mistress keep a low profile due to their careers which is understandable,people they work with do not need to know.it is also that way with T/their families.

as for my family i keep it as far from them as possible,they had a hard enough time twhen they found out i was bi. friends.well seeing as i'm not much of a "friends" person(i don't let many get that close),only one knows about it.





sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:30:00 AM)

i'm very open about being in the lifestyle to my co-workers only. i can freely talk about Daddy/collars because it has been discussed on air before. plus since it's internet radio, we have had other studio guests  doing demonstrations in bondage to trampling.  however when it comes to my UMs, they have seen me in my "jewelry" and think it's cool.  now when it comes to rest of my family - i'm not open due to their religious ideals.

on the flipside, Daddy keeps this side to Him separate and far away from the office however SO keeps it private.



beargonewild -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:30:06 AM)

In my situation, I am open about my kink to a few friends. When it comes to my family that is a different story! My view is that what I do in my private life has no bearing on my relationship with them. I don't feel the need to make any confession to them about my BDSM tendencies and they are conservative enough not to ask.

I do have a few friends who are fully aware and they are fine with that. Granted at first they had a lot of misconceptions, yet they know that if they ask me in the spirit of understanding, I am quite willing to explain from my POV. All in all my close friends are open minded enough to accept me as a person and not judge me fro what I do in the privacy of my bedroom or living room, etc  lol.



DesFIP -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:44:49 AM)

By being open to your mother and not your father, you are putting a wedge in their relationship. Either she is open to her partner, or she has to lie to him. And you did this why?

Would you think it appropriate if your pet kept things back from you? But you do feel it is right to interfere in other people's relationships in this manner. Interesting.



fluffyswitch -> RE: Openness (1/11/2008 6:50:31 AM)

i've always been out about my kinks to my friends, and my mom's not stupid and figured it out from the fact that i tend to be heavily bruised once i start a new relationship. my dad somehow figured out the whole bit on his own-my kinks, my sexuality, the type of person i'm attracted to, etc.

i wouldn't advise a family holiday either, but it may be better than some of the ways that i've heard about coming out, including the way that i came out to my mom about my wider sexuality. if you can get time by yourself to approach when you don't have to worry about ruining the dynamic the rest of the day then fine. but if you can't then don't do  it then, it's not fair to anyone including yourself. i landed in therapy for several months over the way my mom reacted when i came out. it's a stressful time for everyone.



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