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How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:01:00 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		I recently had a falling out with my Sir. I have lost my trust in Him. He was my first Sir and I am having a difficult time getting over him and moving on. I don't want to grieve over him and my loss for very much longer. Does anyone have any ideas to help me move on? We have had a few fights in the past, but I never lost my trust in Him. This one is very difficult.
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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:11:59 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lostpet666

I recently had a falling out with my Sir. I have lost my trust in Him. He was my first Sir and I am having a difficult time getting over him and moving on. I don't want to grieve over him and my loss for very much longer. Does anyone have any ideas to help me move on? We have had a few fights in the past, but I never lost my trust in Him. This one is very difficult.


Most of the time it's just unresolved anger.  Write a letter saying all the things you wish you would have said to him.. and burn it.  The trouble with D/s relationships is that the submissive does things  they never thought they would do for the Master/Mistress, then when the dominant is done with them or the submissive has reached their tolerance level.. they feel "used" and the feeling of "what was I THINKING!?"  I do think that a BDSM D/s relationship is more difficult to get over than a vanilla one because of this.  Just my observations and personal experience talking. Take it for what it's worth. Forgive yourself first.  There are no gods in human  form.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 12/30/2007 5:13:13 PM >

_____________________________

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I'm not inflatable.


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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:16:08 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		For my own part, I have a great deal of trouble with this. (The fact being driven home recently when I was "dumped" without warning by someone I had spent a year talking to, and had had a couple of playdates with. Odd how it lasted just long enough for me to start investing my heart, when the break came...)

Anyway, I tend to go through three phases:
1) Hurt. I deal with this in the usual way, depression, anger, the beating up of the pillow...
2) Emotional distancing. I kind of go through a "dead" period. I pretty much stay away from erotic/romatic feelings for several months. I concentrate on other things, like house repairs, building furniture that's needed, replacing toys and posessions that the "ex" has robbed me of.
3) I pick up the search again. (This also can be depressing, but what else are you going to do? It's either force yourself to keep living, or start dying slowly... or worse, see yourself hitting age 80, and realizing that your life has gone by, and you missed a HUGE aspect of it. In fact, you did so because you gave up.

It's that last thought, along with my naturally high sex drive, that usually snaps me out of it.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:26:59 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bipolarber


It's that last thought, along with my naturally high sex drive, that usually snaps me out of it.


empathy dear boy empathy :)

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:30:37 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Lotus Song. I do want to ask Him why he did this to me,but I know I will start screaming at him again. I try to keep telling myself I deserve better. I just hope the next time he sees me I will be walking tall and proud again.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:34:22 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you bipolarber. I have a bad temper so my first reaction was to hit Him. Not a good thing to do. Right now the submissive me has gone into hiding holding the fragments of our broken heart in her hands. This the only way I can get through the days and nights right now. The worse part is when He did say sorry, I wasn't to sure if he really ment it.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:46:59 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Talk to friends.  Um, change that to: Yell at friends.  People call me up to vent all the frikkin time.  When I feel vulnerable, used, all that fun stuff, I call, meet and IM friends, telling them it's my turn.  And then I let them have it.

"Write a letter and burn it" is a good start. But there's no substitute for talking things through with people who care for you, support you, and aren't afraid to tell you what parts they think *you* screwed up.

< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 12/30/2007 5:54:51 PM >

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:51:27 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		lostpet:
 
The worst thing that can happen just did.  You lost respect for your Master. 
There is no way that you can serve someone you do not trust or respect.  A master or mistress is supposed to build up your self-esteem. Thus, the loving Dom/me evolves.
If I did not trust or respect my slave, I could not be engaged to him. 
For your own personal welfare, you have to forgive and let it go.  You cannot move forward into another relationship until you get this one behind you.
I hope it all works out.  It will.

Regards, MissSCD

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:57:15 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lostpet666

I recently had a falling out with my Sir. I have lost my trust in Him. He was my first Sir and I am having a difficult time getting over him and moving on. I don't want to grieve over him and my loss for very much longer. Does anyone have any ideas to help me move on? We have had a few fights in the past, but I never lost my trust in Him. This one is very difficult.

Cry, get drunk, find the crucifix you never believed in before, obsess, flashback, have nightmares, talk to your sister endlessly until even she gets bored, cry some more, get some medication, text every other bdsm possibility you have on your phone, over spend, eat chocolate, join or re-create yourself on collarme and make it a public opinion decision, get promiscuous (again), write the best poetry or short stories you have never before written, book multiple sessions withh an understanding kink specialist therapist, masturbate, sing like there's no-one listening, and dance like there's no one looking, and listen to this song, preferably by Ray Charles;

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs, I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my life in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singin' this song for you
I know your image of me is what I hope to be, baby
I've treated you unkindly but girl can't you see
There's no one more important to me
So darling can't you please see through me
'cause we're alone now and I'm singin' my song for you
You taught me precious secrets of the truth, withholdin' nothin'
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better so if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love's in there hiding
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for my life, 'cause you're a friend of mine
And when my life is over, remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singin' my song for you
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I've loved you for my life, yes, you're a friend of mine
And when my life is over, remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singin' my song for you, yes
We were alone and I was singin' this song for you, baby
We were alone and I was singin' my song,
Singin' my song, singin' my song, singin' my song
Singin' my song
Prin xx

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 5:57:43 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Miss SCD. I will do my best to forgive Him and move on. It is difficult I must say.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:00:26 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		Honestly Red Magic1 not many of my friends know that I am a sub. And I did nothing to make Him do this to me. That's what makes it so difficult. If it was me then it would be easier for me to move on.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:04:18 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Not everyone will want to be with everyone else. It's not the end of the world.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:06:44 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lostpet666

I don't want to grieve over him and my loss for very much longer.


The grief process happens in it's own time. And, in the end, it's time that really helps. Other advice includes, as from above, not jumping immediately into another relationship and being compassionate with yourself about how long it takes.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:11:27 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		You probably will never get over this guy...Your lot will to wander out the remainder of your days comparing everyone you meet in the future to Mr. Wonderful....It's really rather beautiful.

The poets often talk of lost love. Many forlorn lovers possess the dignity and gumption to fall on a knife in lieu of putting those that surround them through the endless hours and hours of misery as they yammer on and on about ol' whatshisname.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 12/30/2007 6:12:39 PM >

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:14:38 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Dear domiguy:
I find awaiting approval is in truth what I usually do when one relationship ends.....

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:18:11 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lostpet666

Honestly Red Magic1 not many of my friends know that I am a sub. And I did nothing to make Him do this to me. That's what makes it so difficult. If it was me then it would be easier for me to move on.

I'm not trying to say you did anything wrong, lp.  I was talking about a general situation.  I promise you this is not the last time you will need emotional support for something that happens in a relationship.  That's just the way life is if you give a crap about other people.  And you do.

If you literally have no one you can talk to, that is a problem I suggest you fix, because we all need that kind of help.  Real psychologists get ticked at the Dr. Phil show because it sells the notion that some folksy wisdom and ah-hah moments are enough to change a person's life.  False.  If you want to change your life, it takes LOTS OF WORK over a long period of time.  It's a lot easier to do that if you have a support system.

People often post that the best way to meet play partners or life partners is to get involved in the community.  That's true, but it's also a great way to meet Platonic *friends*.  Besides, how freaked would your best friend be if you told her (him?) that you were into D/s or BDSM?  Some of my vanilla friends know; some don't.  I'm not embarrassed about who I am.  You shouldn't be either.

Phil McGraw was not a therapist before he was televised.  He was a professional jury consultant.  He told lawyers who to kick off a jury so they would get the verdicts they wanted.  I'm going into this detail because a lot of people are sold the idea that making a snap judgment and saying something profound is the way to solve a problem.  That's just the very first step.  You, lp, need to arm yourself with support for the long haul.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:20:37 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, I left out an important part of #2, above...  Distract yourself with something. With me, it's going to the movies a lot... NOT sitting at home watching DVD's. Screw that! Get out of the house/apartment and watch an alternate reality in the dark with a bunch of strangers. Totally different experience. (Of course, it's best to be careful what you go see... I went to see both "The Mist" and "Sweeny Todd" one after the other, and came out far more depressed than I went in...)


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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:25:40 PM   
lostpet666


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		That's a good idea bipolar. I'm more of any action movie person.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:36:17 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		 I have no words of wisdom for you because I SUCK at moving on...
I can tell you lots of things not to do though...

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 6:45:04 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Moving on isn't easy , get out of the house go for walks do things, pamper yourself , and deal with one day at a time

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

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