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RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 7:00:27 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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From: North Carolina
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Find other activities to do to keep you busy and not focused on your hurt constantly. Cry when you need to, laugh alot, talk to friends and realize that not everyone is like him. You are better off being alone right now than being in a unhealthy relationship. There will be others but for now just take time to heal and learn.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to lostpet666)

Post #: 21

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 7:34:09 PM

greenearth21

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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I say dont obsess or spend too much time on whats happened, but its hard not to. Just go throughthe grieving process, try to find yourself, take waht you learned from the relationship and stick to them (we are always changing) and be true to yourself and your feelings. Crying is normal. Feeling low is normal. Just dont rush into anything in an attempt to get over your hurt quick. But I agree with prinsexx for the most part...live.

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 22

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 7:41:44 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
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one minute at a time, one hour, one day and so on, until you feel whole again and ready to risk your heart. it takes time, but time spent on yourself is well worth it. best of luck.

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 23

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 7:43:35 PM

Hergirl0824

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
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for me it was journaling, i wrote whenever the feelings became too strong and were too much for me to bear. i would sit and cry and write...i found for me, once i had my feelings down somewhere i could let go of them a little more with each page

good luck to you..i do know how you feel and its hard but you can get through it

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to lostpet666)

Post #: 24

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 7:49:40 PM

corsetgirl

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Joined: 5/22/2004
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As far as getting drunk, make sure you do that in your home but get out and do something. Find out what events are held in your town and pick one that you will enjoy. I also enjoy the movies and my favorite is a comedy....well, you might want to stay out of the romantic comedies. Get a different hairstyle, do some retail therapy and pick out clothes to flatter you, buy some perfume, pick up some interesting books and when you feel you are truly over this relationship, flirt with the waiters. Do things that will make you feel good.

Every once in awhile, I like to travel to another town which is about 20-25 miles away from me. It feels good to be in a different place from time to time and this allows me to get to know people, too.

(in reply to PanthersMom)

Post #: 25

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 8:46:38 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
there's no one looking, and listen to this song, preferably by Ray Charles;

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs, I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my life in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singin' this song for you

I kinda like "I Will Survive" in cases such as this

http://www.lyricsdomain.com/7/gloria_gaynor/i_will_survive.html

(edited because I found a neat scrolling lyric that said it could be ermbedded..but it didn't work..)

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 12/30/2007 8:52:00 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 26

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 10:52:02 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

dear lostpet,

well, some pain in inevitable when you care, and you loose someone. this you just have to process over time.

but you can do a lot about the additional pain we inflict on yourselves unnecessarily.

for example, you say it is harder because he won't say why, and you know it isn't something you did.

well, i think the best thing is to realize that most often, there is no supplied closure. you make your own closure by moving on by your own decision.

secondly, try and notice what you are saying to yourself about why it ended. most likely, you are thinking bad things about yourself, about being inadequate, a loser, not interesting, etc etc. you need to realize this is HIS issue (to break up with someone without a concrete reason that they can express and talk over) and his HIS immaturity or problem. NOT yours.

try telling yourself more positive things. even make up a reason that makes you feel good.. rather than make up reasons that make you feel good.

like say to yourself, instead of 'he dumped me because i am not interesting enouth' say 'he had to end the relationship, as he realized he just wasn't capable of a long term close relationship right now, and it was wrong of him to get so involved and me so involved.. he did it as the right thing to do'

this is a more neutral way of looking at the situaiton, that allows you to feel good about yourself.. that he would be doing it to be fair to you, because you deserve fairness.

also, please don't keep dwelling (which we all do, granted) on your negative traits and beating yourself up. remind yourself of your good points and your interesting attributes. focus on those.

and it never hurts to be grateful for what you do have... like good health, nice place to live.. any pluses in your life.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 27

RE: How does one move on? - 12/30/2007 11:12:05 PM

taintedgypsy

Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
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I feel for you ... going through the motions of moving on myself ... I find time is the answer, keep busy, try not to dwell on / post mortem the relationship. Forgive him his mistakes and forgive yourself. With time it fades, the grief, the loss, the pain ... the dreams, for me I look forward to something to stop myself looking back. I plan to go to visit my cousin in Cairns for easter, it should be a blast. I am also starting off the New Year with a new experience ...I am going to ride the mechanical bull at the local tonight ... I look forward to lots of new and wonderful things in the comming year and think this will be a good start lol.

I wish you well and hope this part of your journey is kind and quick and that you are walking tall and proud again in no time.

_____________________________

..."Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... It is about learning to dance in the rain."

Equal Opportunity Slut (Yeah ... best of both worlds lol)

warm smiles to all

(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

Post #: 28

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 5:51:08 AM

LAMaster1964

Posts: 13
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

Being around friends and staying busy can help but when in the mood to be alone, I get into my truck, turn on the radio and ride.
I don't know anything that will get you through this painlessly but what dosen't kill you will make you stronger. I wish you best.

(in reply to taintedgypsy)

Post #: 29

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 6:24:54 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Ok, so I have a couple of questions...

1) Did you lose trust/respect for him and choose, of your own accord, to move on?

2) Do you WANT to move on?

and if the answer to the first question is yes and the second question is no, then I have a third question for you.

3) Do you REALLY REALLY think people who stay together for years and years and years ... and years... have never faced this dilemma? You might consider asking yourself how they got past it and still remain together.

All the suggestions you've been given are wonderful if that's what you want to do. However, I've found that when you really do NOT want to move on AND the choice is up to you to do so or not, those ideas rarely work.

And if you don't want to move on, it is my experience that trust IS able to develop again. It takes two people to accomplish this. One can't do it alone. But it IS possible. It doesn't mean you're not going to have glitches along the way. It doesn't mean the stuff you two go through won't be hell on wheels for a while, but if you (and he) REALLY don't want to go through a break up, staying together and becoming even stronger IS possible, contrary to what most people will tell you.

It's just a matter of how much you both want this, how hard you're both willing to work at it and just what's at stake if you don't.

In our case, trust was lost - in a BIG way. However, neither of us wanted out. It took a LOT of discussion (note that I didn't say name calling), admittedly, a lot of tears and some real gut-wrenching nights as I worried about what he was doing. But time and time again, he's proven I can trust him and slowly, that trust was re-established - a bit raggedy around the edges (think velveteen rabbit instead of dustrag kind of raggedy), but still, it's there. And I believe it's stronger for having gone through all we did and survived.

Ultimately, what I discovered is that I rather like that we weathered what would destroy most couples. I like that the result was a deeper understanding, deeper connection and deeper committment to what we were trying to build. And I REALLY like that he's down off that pedestal I inadvertantly had him up on (even though I'd have denied that I had him up on one in the first place prior to all this). What's developed is a solid relationship between two flawed human beings and that's tremendous.

I'm telling you this to point out that you really don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It takes time and work, but if the baby (your relationship and him) is worth it, you might want to consider using all this energy you're expending trying to get away from him to instead, try to work things out with him.

Just a different viewpoint.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/31/2007 6:30:32 AM >

(in reply to LAMaster1964)

Post #: 30

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 1:13:40 PM

lostpet666

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Joined: 12/1/2007
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Thank you everyone for your suggestions. They have helped.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 31

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 9:33:35 PM

kajirina

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Prinsexx, I wanted to say, Thank you for posting those lyrics. I've never heard a version of that song I didn't love. I'd like to take the Karen Carpenter and Willie Nelson versions and cut them together. When I get rich and can afford a Napster subscription, I'd like to burn a CD of every artist's rendition of it. That's such a rich song, I don't think even Slim Whitman could fuck it up.

As far as the original question, and the OP, well, when you find out, let me know.

I got dumped in 2002, I think it was. After that I decided that I wasn't going to embark on some half baked relationship just to have one. If I didn't love him, and he didn't love me the right way, in a way that wasn't disrespectful, then I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

Well, five years on, I'm still alone. I may never have another relationship, but I'm sure as hell never going to have another wrong one.

You know, I'd like to know why that person dumped me, myself. I begged him, full on sobbing, and he wouldn't say. Of course I thought it was my weight, but he told me a story no one could make up that shot that theory. It might have been my BDSM involvement.

But frankly, I think it might have been that I have a child. He doesn't, and was married once before to a woman with two girls, and I think he might have promised himself to never again get seriously involved with a woman with a young kid. He didn't want to hurt any more kids.

And when I thought that out, my very first thought was, Fuck him. Being my son's father would have been the best thing that ever happened to that man. (My son's father is dead.) And maybe that's why he wouldn't tell me Why.

But it would have helped me a lot to know, even if I couldn't change it.

The kicker is, this man who is emotionally half literate, is a practicing psychologist. NOT MINE, we didn't meet that way.

(in reply to lostpet666)

Post #: 32

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 10:31:36 PM

Kellendra

Posts: 95
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

It is a grief unlike anything else I had ever felt before.....weird....but true.
And my thing was a mere blimp on the relationship map of life and such.

But time does help heal most wounds......take time for yourself....and give yourself time.
You will one day wake up and find that you are actually ok,because you will be....just have to trust in that.
Great advice given by many folks here.
Take care of yourself and be gentle with you for awhile.

_____________________________

The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery." Anais Nin

(in reply to kajirina)

Post #: 33

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 10:53:53 PM

petpete

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Joined: 7/6/2007
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Happy new year to you lostpet.. i would have to agree with bipolarbers advice. His offered me advice in the past that has helped me. There is nothing you could do and most of us have been in this position unfortunately one way or another. i find ways within me to bypass the negative thinking. When i broke up with my ex Mistress i never sent any negative or abusive emails. i felt responsible for my action and felt very sorry myself. But i never tend to show it.. Its better to let your emotions loose but never do that on your ex as you will regret deeply when you come back to your senses. Happy new year to all the group members..

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to lostpet666)

Post #: 34

RE: How does one move on? - 12/31/2007 11:26:15 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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I wish someone could bottle the best way to move on. I would drink the entire bottle in one sitting and then order more if I could. All the advice here has been wonderful but in the end, nothing can really help, unfortunately.

I truly believe that the only thing that helps you move on is to meet someone else; and if that does not happen, you sort of stay in a limbo situation where you still compare the old one with new ones until you meet someone more amazing.

But it does not always work out that way. You cannot always end one relationship and miraculously find another waiting in the wings. In fact, it could take years or worse, never happen at all. But you still need to find a way to be happy in your life.

I agree it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship, but it sure is difficult to move on when you really loved someone; that I most certainly empathize with.

I hope that 2008 is better for you OP, and for me and everyone else who is still trying to move on.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/31/2007 11:27:25 PM >

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 35

RE: How does one move on? - 1/1/2008 2:44:54 AM

petpete

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Joined: 7/6/2007
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i am sorry to disagree with you girl. Before you move on to another relationship i believe one has to be well over the first one. i hope you had a wonderful new year's celebration sexy, and keep your color red (for love)...

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 36

RE: How does one move on? - 1/1/2008 2:50:14 AM

AnnabelHell

Posts: 36
Joined: 10/14/2007
From: Columbus, Ohio
Status: offline

Time is the only thing that will help you be able to move on. While waiting you can do good things for yourself. Get involved with your community. Look for support from fellow submissives and friends. Get your hair done. Get a new outfit. Do things that make you feel good about yourself and distract you from thinking about it all the time. Don't be too hard on yourself or be afraid to grieve. It's ok to miss him and to feel this way. Allow yourself to have these feelings, you have to deal with them in order to move on. You don't have to dwell on them all day every day - but it's ok to be hurt and for it to take awhile to get over it and trust again. We've all been through it. It sucks, it's no fun, but it's part of loving people and being a human being. As time goes on it will get easier. Till then do the best you can and don't feel like you have to do it alone. There are a lot of people who have been right there with you to give you a hug =)

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 37

RE: How does one move on? - 1/1/2008 2:53:41 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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You have to want to move on. You have to start the process of disengaging from the other person. Some people do this through alone time, some by finding another relationship. Depending on the sort of relationship you have, disengaging is not always an easy thing. Life is complex, as are people and some relationships. I do not know the answer. For me personally, I like to process things, so I write. About the person, the relationship, my feelings, etc. I don't know if it helps anything, but at least it gets words out of my brain.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 38

RE: How does one move on? - 1/1/2008 7:44:33 AM

dragonnette

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/22/2005
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I posted something similar on the submissives forum. I suspect time, taking care of yourself and keeping busy are about it.

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~~
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."-

pet of Ookami

(in reply to lostpet666)

Post #: 39

RE: How does one move on? - 1/3/2008 9:43:41 AM

lostpet666

Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2007
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Thank You to everyone. I am feeling much better. Yesterday was the first day I felt good and actually went outside to test out my new snowshoes and play with my dog in the snow. Even though it was -17c I felt great. And today is even better.

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 40

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