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Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 12:20:11 AM

Phin

Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline

OK its a couple of different subjects here, but they are both come up in the same situation, so please bear with me.

I have been chatting with a sub friend for some time now. From what I can see she is a wonderful person, but she lives a great distance from me. At this point in our lives neither of us are relocatable (and barring really bad thing happening in my life, I never will be) nor do I see a chance to even meet her face to face in the forseeable future.

I would love to see my collar around her neck, however I have never been involved in a long distance relationship (D/s or otherwise) before. For those that have, how do you deal with the rigers of that kind of relationship? If entering into a long distance D/s relationship would you draw up a contract? What would you include in the contract? Would you include an "escape clause" for the event that the sub were to find a compatable Dom whom is in her area?

Thanks
Phin

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

Post #: 1

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 12:36:48 AM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

Knowing neither your nor her personality, I feel I'm unable to give an adequate answer. However, in general, I would suggest to be prepared for a relationship based largely off communication. This can become more different after initial contact if either of you becomes bored of it, particularly when you know eachother well enough that conversations become about increasingly mundane and day-to-day things.

Not to sound cynical, but contracts just.. I mean, to be honest, the net's great for anonimity (sp?; I'm sure I murdered that word). Someone can back out and never speak again at their convinence. There's typically no recourse one could take. At least, dating in real life, there's often a social backlash to acting inappropriately or cruelly to a partner or previous partner, but that just doesn't exist here. To be honest, many are simply inclined to be in something until they stop feeling like it with no special commitment that's typically necessary to maintain a relationship beyond a short period (typically past three months?).

My point being, I would advise the understanding that your relationship would be based upon communication of things that may not be interesting.. that that would have to be enough, unless you two happen to live particularly interesting lives (you're cool if you're 007). Since it's easier to back out of commitments online, a failure to do so often results in the end of a relationship.

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 2

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 2:00:38 AM

LittleWench

Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

I live in Australia, my Owner lives in the US. We are working towards him moving here, but for the next several months we are destined to D/s via long distance.

We didn't write a contract, we did however write a set of goals/expectations for each other, some of this is relevant to our switch to D/s as our relationship dynamic, some of it is relevant to the distance, some of it is "relationship rules". For us, our emotional commitment is the contract. We want this to work, words on paper or written on a screen don't give that commitment any greater meaning.

One of the hardest parts I have found is scening long distance. When limited to voice communication and a webcam and no form of after care, it's challenging to come up with scenarios that strengthen the D/s dynamic.

If you are interested, the information to reach my blog is included in my profile, you can see the list of goals we set for each other.

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 3

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 3:59:53 AM

KnOcala

Posts: 260
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

I just can't see it working. Get the most out of the situation and if it progesses to the point where you are both very serious about your relationship. Relocation would be the only solution that would last

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 4

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:15:55 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I did long distance once and once was more than enough.

Frankly I can't feel like I own someone if I can't see and touch them several times a week at minimum.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 5

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:38:43 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

like an old commercial use to say "...my word is my bond..."

that's how Daddy and i handle our LDR - our commintment to each other in a way is our "contract". our type of D/s dynamic wouldn't suit most because we hardly meet "in person" ...which is fine with me - i don't need Daddy's presence/touch to actually feel His love. i wear His love every single day on my body ...from His collar around my neck, His ring and chain on my left hand to His ankle chains on both ankles - i know i'm loved. plus there are other ways He bestows His love like little presents every month to sharing His favorite songs with me.

and to the naysayers who claim it wouldn't last - well Daddy and i have been together over a year (defying odds against us) and are looking forward to more wonderful years of togetherness.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 12/25/2007 5:40:37 AM >

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 6

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:46:49 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I really don't understand... why would you even be considering collaring her?

Your profile talks of your submissive walking into parties with you, yet you admit here that it's unlikely that you will even meet this woman face-to-face any time soon. Your profile states that you require your submissive to be at least somewhat masochistic, yet why would that matter if you collar someone you aren't planning to be physical with?

It doesn't sound like this woman can give you what you want. She may indeed be wonderful, but is that any reason to "make her yours"? What about what she wants? You've not mentioned what she is looking for, but I've seen very few submissives who only want a cyber relationship. Would this be fair to her? Are you even considering her desires?

What would be so wrong about simply being her friend? Is there any reason you can't be that "daddy" to her as just her friend? Your dominance of her is only going to be limited to things you can do from a distance... giving her rules, having her journal, etc... does she really need to be collared for that?

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 7

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 7:05:12 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

If there is not chance in the forseeable future that you two will be together than I say keep her as a friend only. I did the long distance online thing for 10 months and it was very difficult. The more you fall for each other the harder it gets. Not being able to touch one another is something you will miss more than you can imagine.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 8

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 7:35:19 AM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

My personal experience on this particular front...the LDR didn't last very long at all. It became quickly apparent that this was not a situation that could continue. It would have been fine if we could have settled for the status quo...chatting, journaling, and visiting via web cam. That was what we did. I ended up neglecting my personal life because I was having to devote my time to trying to be with someone that was across the country. I was holing up in my apartment with my computer and my cell phone...when I was the epitome of a "party girl".

On one hand, it was nice to have someone make the same effort that I was making, but on the other hand...well, it just wasn't something that was sustainable.

I moved...given the same circumstances, I would do it again. I gave up a lot to move here, and I am still paying in some senses. It's a high price to pay, but worth it for me.

This isn't something that anyone else can decide for you...only the two of you know if it is something that's sustainable for the two of you. I wouldn't worry about a contract, at this point.

Edited to add:

I forgot to mention that at the beginning, both of us said that moving was not a possibility. But...I suppose, I proved myself wrong.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 12/25/2007 7:38:05 AM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 9

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 7:54:03 AM

Rushemery

Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

some people can make it work others cant, I feel you will miss a lot by not being able to touch but it could strengthen your relationship and end up being forever. if I cant physicly look into someones eyes I loose interest fast but thats just me

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 10

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 8:52:05 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

If you know that you never plan to meet what does it matter if you have collared her or not? Call it a collaring and you both can indulge in the fantasy you need.
I suspect if she ever finds this in real life then the contract will come to an inevidible end. Probably just fizzling out as she goes out with her potential.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin
At this point in our lives neither of us are relocatable (and barring really bad thing happening in my life, I never will be) nor do I see a chance to even meet her face to face in the forseeable future.

If entering into a long distance D/s relationship would you draw up a contract? What would you include in the contract? Would you include an "escape clause" for the event that the sub were to find a compatable Dom whom is in her area?

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 11

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 9:35:53 AM

MiladyElaine

Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I have been chatting with a sub friend for some time now. From what I can see she is a wonderful person, but she lives a great distance from me. At this point in our lives neither of us are relocatable (and barring really bad thing happening in my life, I never will be) nor do I see a chance to even meet her face to face in the forseeable future.

It is hopeless to even start! Neither of you can ever be together permanently so why even bother? Just move on and find someone who can relocate. A contract isn't worth the paper it is written on in RT so it would be even less in virtual. All that matters is the love and/or earnestness of the two of Y/you.
Believe Me, I've been there and done that long distance route and it is ok IF you can eventually be togehter within a reasonable time chosen by YOU.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin

OK its a couple of different subjects here, but they are both come up in the same situation, so please bear with me.

I have been chatting with a sub friend for some time now. From what I can see she is a wonderful person, but she lives a great distance from me. At this point in our lives neither of us are relocatable (and barring really bad thing happening in my life, I never will be) nor do I see a chance to even meet her face to face in the forseeable future.

I would love to see my collar around her neck, however I have never been involved in a long distance relationship (D/s or otherwise) before. For those that have, how do you deal with the rigers of that kind of relationship? If entering into a long distance D/s relationship would you draw up a contract? What would you include in the contract? Would you include an "escape clause" for the event that the sub were to find a compatable Dom whom is in her area?

Thanks
Phin

_____________________________

A crazy quilt is warm but oddly put together.

Milady

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 12

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 2:07:05 PM

ZapRobo

Posts: 41
Joined: 10/8/2007
From: Youngstown, OH
Status: offline

quote:

For those that have, how do you deal with the rigers of that kind of relationship? If entering into a long distance D/s relationship would you draw up a contract? What would you include in the contract? Would you include an "escape clause" for the event that the sub were to find a compatable Dom whom is in her area?

Well, you deal with it as best you can - make as much time for each other as you can - phones, cams, IM's, and in-person visits. Also, a LDR shouldn't be the only part of the relationship - work towards being together, otherwise what you have is a complex online chat!

I didn't draw up a contract as it ain't my bag - if it's for you and yours then sure, go for it. If I was doing a contract? Well, an "escape clause" is only fair - at least until the first years' renewal and you know if you can sustain the relationship until you can be together.

For point of reference, I am three years into my LDR. Around 2-3 years of "The Plan" to go. These relationships work, if you're BOTH committed.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Zap-Robo of http://www.zap-robo.net/
"Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in ruttin' command"

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 13

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 3:11:14 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

I have to go with those who say the chance of a LTR working without even meeting is pretty slim. You can certainly START a relationship online and on the phone, but I think you have to be physically together for a true D/s relationship.

My .02 zlotys. Your milage may vary. Good luck!

Les (Purveyor of Fine, handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to ZapRobo)

Post #: 14

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:13:23 PM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

We did that (LDR) for about 10.5 months...It worked well for us but, we also spent a bunch of extended periods together over that time. We had a couple of short (3-4 day visits) and 2, month long periods of living under the same roof.....Also, we had cell phones on the same bill so we spent quite an extended period of time everyday on the phone with eachother (sometimes 4-5 hours or so of our days) as well as computer time.

It worked very well for us and we didn't have any issues, other than missing eachother terribly of course.

Our contract didn't have an escape clause in any way, and there was no desire to look for a local Dom, not even for a second.

Edited to add: Maybe at this point it would be a beneficial relationship for both of you...since you don't see even being able to meet face to face for the forseeable future then collaring, to me, doesn't seem like the way to go. But, you could both learn and grow and benefit from having known eachother...people come into our lives for a reason...maybe you were meant to serve a profound purpose in eachother's worlds.

excuse me if that sounds romantic, but i am, and hell it's Christmas.

< Message edited by daddyncherry -- 12/25/2007 5:49:24 PM >

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to SirJohnMandevill)

Post #: 15

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:22:56 PM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

I was LD with Master for >2 years, the only reason I could tolerate that was because we were planning eventually for me to move closer to him. Also semi-frequent visits back and forth helped. Otherwise it wouldn't have worked for me.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 16

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:49:11 PM

BalletBob

Posts: 1645
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Hi Phin and Sub. Go ahead and try it. It worked for me, and there are so many here that are against anything, that isn't real time. If it works for you, then go to it, and have all the fun you can. The long distance relations ship is what you make of it.

I am sure she would what ever you tell her to, or what is the use of contacting you. It would be alie to her, as it would be to you. When me and Mistress Haley had our time online, I done what she asked of me. It was fun doing things for her, whih pleased me too. If I didn't do as she asked, I would be denying myself fun too.

Had it and miss it, Sub BalletBob

_____________________________

"I get my kicks above the Waistline, Sunshine"

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 17

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 5:55:53 PM

simplewhispers

Posts: 232
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline

are the contracts custom written? Are there printable contracts I could see?

_____________________________

A silent woman is always more admired than a noisy one.
Season your admiration for a while With an attent ear. . .

simplewhispers

(in reply to BalletBob)

Post #: 18

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 6:10:12 PM

calicowgirl

Posts: 98
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline

I always said an LDR was not an option I would consider. It was a rule of sorts I had set for myself because to me, touching and being physical is very important. And yet here I find myself in an LDR, like you, without being able to relocate (at least for many years).

Before going into the relationship we talked a lot about what was important to us, expectations etc but no actual contract. Seeing each other often is very important to the both of us so right off the bat, Sir made a a rule that before parting ways we have to have our next date to meet on the horizon. That as well as lots of communication (something I am learning daily to do better) via phone, IM, e-mail, webcam etc is how we remain close.

I say to really look inside of yourself and see if you think things might work. Will you be able to have what you want, need and crave. Will she? For some, the connection felt is just too much to ignore and so if long distance is all that is available at the time, then it is well worth working around the trials in order to give it a go.

Good luck to you!

cali

_____________________________

Let your dreams run wild... be brave enough to follow.

Anyone who can think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination. -- Mark Twain

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 19

RE: Long distance relationships and contracts - 12/25/2007 10:39:28 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You're looking to collar someone you don't expect to meet. Thus preventing either of you from finding real life partners. It will work until she changes her screen name and blocks your im and email.

Basically, you're putting the cart before the horse.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to calicowgirl)

Post #: 20

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