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D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 12:44:43 AM   
ReynardM


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		On a recent thread about "what attracts you" people started talking about how they look for men or women who are dominant or submissive "in general" -- i.e., in normal situations, not just sexual or relationship-internal.

I'm wondering how widespread this pattern is. Do you believe that you can tell, from how a person acts in their daily affairs, how dominant or submissive they would be (or want to be) in a relationship? What exactly is it that tips you off?

I ask this, of course, because although I consider myself dominant in that my desires tend in that direction, it's purely theoretical, and I don't feel like I "act dominant" in my normal life.
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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 1:55:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I wouldn't go so far as to say I am attracted to dominant traits in everyday life, someone can come across as dominant but never have a grasp on their own life. 
I was attracted to someone -Darcy- because he was and is in control of his life, regardless of whether someone 'acts dominant' or 'are dominant' in everyday situations.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 1:57:21 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		The D/s orientation of people has little to do with how they live their lives outside of the relationship. There are far too many Dominants who have menial jobs and submissives who are leaders in their careers to think the traits somehow carry over to life in general. We all know of many folks who fit those contrarian descriptions.

For my own generalizations, I think Dominant people tend to be relatively intelligent because they have to make the dynamic work. They often have academic or technical type jobs because of their intelligence, but not always. There is that opposite of a Dom in a poor situation in life who balances things out by being a Dom.

If a Dom is not conscious of the dynamics of D/s and the implications, he will generally find someone on his/her level to form a relationship with. Does anyone doubt relationships where the partners who are compatible intellectually are the strongest? So in the ideal, generalized situation, the Dominant will have chosen someone he/she can lead although the partner will be close intellectually.


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(in reply to ReynardM)
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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 2:13:44 AM   
handsoverhead


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/7/2006
Status: offline 		Fast reply:

Anyone who knows me in my working life would assume me to be dominant when in fact i am very much a submissive, through choice, in my relationship. Male colleagues, particuarly, have been known  more than once to sexualise the way I am at work ... most recently, I remember a male colleague asking me if I had "strung him up by the balls" (referring to another male co-worker) ... It made me laugh :)

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 4:27:52 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Agrees with what Steel said. Like the saying goes Don't judge a book by its cover.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 5:45:43 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

On a recent thread about "what attracts you" people started talking about how they look for men or women who are dominant or submissive "in general" -- i.e., in normal situations, not just sexual or relationship-internal.

I'm wondering how widespread this pattern is. Do you believe that you can tell, from how a person acts in their daily affairs, how dominant or submissive they would be (or want to be) in a relationship? What exactly is it that tips you off?

I ask this, of course, because although I consider myself dominant in that my desires tend in that direction, it's purely theoretical, and I don't feel like I "act dominant" in my normal life.

I don't look for nor am I attracted to dominant/submissive personlaties; I am attracted to the aura of violence that a man has about him. That aura is not determined by being either dominant or submissive.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 5:47:38 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Damn that statement rocks.
 
quote:

I am attracted to the aura of violence that a man has about him.
 
thankie IM!
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 6:14:59 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		No, I really don't think you can rely at all on casual appearances.  Some folks show their orientation all the time, some only in some situations, some not in open setting/interactions at all... and often people also read signs wrong, too.

Using myself as example, I'm one of those that is dominant pretty much all the time, it's not just a private thing for me; rather, it's just who I am on a daily basis... my "primary mode", so to speak.  But darned if I'm not mistaken for submissive regularly.

Not everyone does it, but I find a lot of people in meatlife and here online mistake considerate and polite for submissive.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 6:50:30 AM   
subrdn8


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline 		Generally, what I find attracts me, is not an 'aura', but evidence that a man has his life in control.   That is dominance.

However, that may not be an indication at all, of whether the person might share bdsm predilections.




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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 7:08:43 AM   
SingleRarity


Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		Some of the toughest, strongest men and women I've ever met have turned out to be submissive in their personal relationships, so I don't think it is safe to expect that the everyday behavior you see someone exhibit will necessarily translate to their personal lives. I think that it's only safe to say that you never know until you try (or ask).

-A

(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 12:35:30 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleRarity

Some of the toughest, strongest men and women I've ever met have turned out to be submissive in their personal relationships, so I don't think it is safe to expect that the everyday behavior you see someone exhibit will necessarily translate to their personal lives. I think that it's only safe to say that you never know until you try (or ask).

-A



I agree with this 100%.  Some of the most wonderful submissives I have met over the years were CEO's, lawyers, doctors, business owners.... people in charge of things and relied on in their professional lives to make quick and sound decisions... to direct all of those working for or under their supervision.
 
I don't think a person's professional demeanor has much to do with their private or personal relationship desires.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 12:39:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		That's a good way to get yourself in trouble. There are women who tend to go for police or military types based on the erroneous thinking that because they successfully hold a dominant job, they must be dominant.

Which totally ignores the fact that dominants are people too and spending all day telling other people what to do, especially people who don't like being told what to do, are less likely to want to come home and do the same job, unpaid, at night.

Sometimes it's the people with the most responsibility at work, who are the most submissive. It's a truism that CEOs and such are commonly found going to a prodomme after work. But truisms become that because there is an element of truth to them.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 3:44:30 PM   
phoenixxy


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		I know a lot of people who are submissive, but asseritive, I find that with some people it is very  clear they are dominant/submissive, but others i would have no clue at all!

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 6:23:48 PM   
LadyChef


Posts: 105
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		  I have recently met someone who fits the mark of domineering at work, but will melt like a hot chocolate chip cookie in My presence.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 6:28:19 PM   
ReynardM


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies. I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.

I'm curious about the fact that I frequently see people saying "I am (or my submissive is) really dominant in real life but totally submissive at home," but I don't often see people making the opposite point of "I seem like a wimp in real life but I rule my slave with an iron fist."

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 9:10:47 PM   
Coerced2Please


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.


It's a question i've often asked, as a lifetime submissive-at-heart. But does dominant in conversation or assertive more generally mean they would enjoy controlling and disciplining a willing submissive? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 10:59:49 PM   
hazenut


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		I actually asked a co-worker if he thought of me as submissive or dominant just last night. He said that I seem very submissive in my everyday life because I'm laid back and easy going, but in the bedroom, I would take control. hahaha...  That's so not the case.  I was actually told on a date that I seem way too assertive to be submissive, but there is not a dominant bone in my body.
Now that I'm getting more comfortable with my submissive side I've actually found myself taking care of my friends, getting them drinks, cleaning for them, carrying bags when we go shopping...I guess for some people you can pick up on their role a little bit, but not all the time.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/20/2007 11:31:50 PM   
Landsknecht


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/29/2007
Status: offline 		Mmm, it is hard to tell. I usually find that people who are submissive in everyday life are more likely to be submissive in the context of a relationship, but I don't really see the link when it comes to dominance. I'm naturally dominant and often lead groups, and it turns out that I'm sexually dominant as well, but I have known several female submissives who were very "assertive" in social situations and people assumed that they would likely be dominant in a relationship.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 3:07:50 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

Thanks for the replies. I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.

I'm curious about the fact that I frequently see people saying "I am (or my submissive is) really dominant in real life but totally submissive at home," but I don't often see people making the opposite point of "I seem like a wimp in real life but I rule my slave with an iron fist."


That is exactly what we are telling you COULD be the case.

Submissive seeming in real life, dominating privately.
Dominant seeming in real life, submissively privately. 
Submissive seeming in real life, submissively in private life.
Dominant seeming in real life, dominating in private life.

Matter of fact, it COULD be that they are not only SEEMINGLY one way in real life, they are actually that way and completely opposite privately. I don't think of myself one way or another in public life although I'm definitely Dominant in my private relationships. My work and associations require a level headed and objective demeanor that don't work well with a dominating or submissive personality being interjected.

I'm telling you that I've met very competent, well respected Doms who are very passive in real life to the point it was noticeable. I've also met submissives who dominated any group with their personality and energy. I think opposite situations are common enough.   

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You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 7:57:54 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

On a recent thread about "what attracts you" people started talking about how they look for men or women who are dominant or submissive "in general" -- i.e., in normal situations, not just sexual or relationship-internal.

I'm wondering how widespread this pattern is. Do you believe that you can tell, from how a person acts in their daily affairs, how dominant or submissive they would be (or want to be) in a relationship? What exactly is it that tips you off?

I ask this, of course, because although I consider myself dominant in that my desires tend in that direction, it's purely theoretical, and I don't feel like I "act dominant" in my normal life.


I think you can tell how confident a person seems, or how overbearing;  how compliant or obedient they seem, etc, in any particular situation.

However, I do *not* believe that this, in *any* way, predicts how dominant or submissive they may be.

Plus, even if it did - it wouldn't matter.  It's about how d or s a person is *in relation to their partner* that matters.


(in reply to ReynardM)
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