RE: D/s traits in "normal" life

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 8:20:04 AM

AFlyInYourWeb

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.

You are describing what the military calls "Command Presence".

Although it may come naturally to some people, it can also be an acquired skill. It is taught in military academies, OCS, NCO school, police academies, etc. Similar training can be had from business consultants for management trainees.

It can be learned by almost anyone.

You are seeking a correlation between public behavior and private behavior.

There isn't one.

Appearances can be deceiving, and public personas are often intentionally deceptive...and some of us have grown pretty damned good at it. :)

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 8:38:05 AM

Mercnbeth

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this slave doesn't believe in "normal", but the most common orientation that she witnesses among folks she has met or read about is that of the switch---Dominant sometimes, submissive other times, depending on the situation and the relationship between the particular participants in the situation. (e.g. Dominant at work or with offspring, submissive to relationship partner.)

it has been rare, but this slave is aware of a few folks who react to the world around them and everyone in it either submissively or dominantly, throughout all facets of their life---family, friends, intimate relationships, whatever. if they take on a submissive or Dominant role in opposition to their nature, it is merely that...a role for a proscribed period of time, and most of the time, it shows. Folks tend to refer to them as either "doormat" or "abuser", instead of Submissive and Dominant, though.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 9:17:32 AM

ImpGrrl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subrdn8

Generally, what I find attracts me, is not an 'aura', but evidence that a man has his life in control. That is dominance.

So - all of the healthy, adult s-types with their lives in control read as "dominant" to you?

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/21/2007 9:31:28 AM

Kaiynasha

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I tend to attract submissive women and men. But I don't go after them. Except there was one co-worker who was always around me, doing this and that, and just doing little submissive things. However she was unstable and I had to let her know she needed to handle her personal business if she ever wanted me to consider going any further with her.

Most men I have met- come off very submissive however those who are dominant- we get along very well. And usually have discussions that benefit us both of about work-related issues and other deep conversations.

< Message edited by Kaiynasha -- 12/21/2007 9:38:17 AM >

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/24/2007 7:06:38 PM

erebus

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I usually guess wrong with women. I met a woman at a party once who was wearing the whips and chains, tough looking. I'm expecting a Domme, but totally and meekly submissive. Hard to figure.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/24/2007 7:23:19 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

Thanks for the replies. I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.

As I made reference to your OP, these are things that people often confuse and why I'm often mistaken (and my spouse, too) for being submissive. I am by nature someone who has "command presence" as another here phrased it, but I have learned to temper it (and in many circumstances outride hide it) for the sake of polite interaction with others.

For example, you often see people here in threads about this sort of thing mentioning how such-and-such seemed submissive because they were helping and following another's guidance during setup of a get-together or that they let others walk through a door first or tended not to hold eye contact with a stranger on the street. None of these indicate that someone is by nature submissive for sure... they're fine examples of how people submissive or dominant just act polite or want to be helpful.

Appearances often mean very little. A dominant person can be deliberately manipulating a person or situation by using soft tones, speaking in the expected light and girlish voice, not using too many big words, and keeping their body expressing acknowledgement of a subordinate position and be completely in control of what's going on... not that I've had to do that while in the Army or other situations... ;)

Then there's the example of my spouse and I... We're both dominants and on any given day one or the other of us will be mistaken for being the other's submissive around new lifestyle folks or in vanilla contexts when neither of us are -just because one was leading the way that day or had the most interest in what was going on or who cared more about a subject. I'm more often mistaken for being the dominant in our relationship simply because I'm a type-A personality and he's a type-B. He's not submissive to me, I'm just more uptight and outwardly aggressive haha!

It's not a matter of public vs. private behaviors with me, it's a matter of what is appropriate in relating to who and in what situation.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 12/24/2007 7:29:57 PM >

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/24/2007 7:32:32 PM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb

Appearances can be deceiving, and public personas are often intentionally deceptive...and some of us have grown pretty damned good at it. :)

Very true and better stated than I managed in places.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/25/2007 8:36:40 AM

Peridot

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If I may I can explain myself and what type of man interests me.

I am a slave in the bedroom. A submissive in a relationship and an assertive at work.

I desire men who are masters in the bedroom, dominant in a relationship and assertive/dominant or master at work.

I can't bear bedroom doms who are meek/submissive all day and at work.

Translation: I'll do whatever you want in the bedroom (wherever) as long as it damages neither of us. You're boss of the relationship, but communication's a must.

In the career realm; best you have ambition and strive to achieve goals.
Why? Because I do well enough ... but you'd be pissed if I was on top.

< Message edited by Peridot -- 12/25/2007 8:55:05 AM >

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/25/2007 10:37:56 AM

simplewhispers

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Peridot

If I may I can explain myself and what type of man interests me.

I am a slave in the bedroom. A submissive in a relationship and an assertive at work.

I desire men who are masters in the bedroom, dominant in a relationship and assertive/dominant or master at work.

I can't bear bedroom doms who are meek/submissive all day and at work.

Translation: I'll do whatever you want in the bedroom (wherever) as long as it damages neither of us. You're boss of the relationship, but communication's a must.

In the career realm; best you have ambition and strive to achieve goals.
Why? Because I do well enough ... but you'd be pissed if I was on top.

VERY well stated,words dont come as easily to me .

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/25/2007 10:39:17 AM

whenstarscollide

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

Thanks for the replies. I'm not so much talking about things like what job the person has, but aspects of how they act, like posture, voice, how they conduct themselves in conversation, handshake, etc.

I'm curious about the fact that I frequently see people saying "I am (or my submissive is) really dominant in real life but totally submissive at home," but I don't often see people making the opposite point of "I seem like a wimp in real life but I rule my slave with an iron fist."

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

That is exactly what we are telling you COULD be the case.

Submissive seeming in real life, dominating privately.
Dominant seeming in real life, submissively privately.
Submissive seeming in real life, submissively in private life.
Dominant seeming in real life, dominating in private life.

Matter of fact, it COULD be that they are not only SEEMINGLY one way in real life, they are actually that way and completely opposite privately. I don't think of myself one way or another in public life although I'm definitely Dominant in my private relationships. My work and associations require a level headed and objective demeanor that don't work well with a dominating or submissive personality being interjected.

I'm telling you that I've met very competent, well respected Doms who are very passive in real life to the point it was noticeable. I've also met submissives who dominated any group with their personality and energy. I think opposite situations are common enough.

I think that whether or not you are dominant or submissive varies greatly from person to person, as well as from situation to situation. There are people who are very submissive in their day to day affairs, but are extremely masterful and in control within one or two areas of their life. I am not just talking about in the house or the bedroom...

I train in martial arts with about 2 dozen other people from very different backgrounds and in very different occupations. There is one very petite woman who is very sweet and obliging outside of the dojo, but exceptionally forceful and demanding when training. To use myself as another example, I am usually very outgoing and assertive...except when it comes to relationships. And not just sexual relationships - friendships and family relations as well. If I love you and care about you I will do my utmost to make you happy. It doesn't matter how inconvenienced I might be, because seeing someone I value smile b/c of something I have done, or laugh at something I have said, is one of the best rewards I can think of. *shrugs* That's just how I am hardwired...

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/26/2007 7:27:17 PM

BayouSub

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quote:

Now that I'm getting more comfortable with my submissive side I've actually found myself taking care of my friends, getting them drinks, cleaning for them, carrying bags when we go shopping...I guess for some people you can pick up on their role a little bit, but not all the time.

I've sometimes signalled my submissive side to a person who appears dominant by being helpful as you describe. In those cases, I was hoping that they would pick up on my role and start being more dominant towards me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. I was wondering if you are trying to signal to your friends that you are submissive or you just enjoy being service oriented?

In general, I agree with the consensus on this thread that it is difficult to determine whether someone is dom or sub from vanilla behavior. I think, however, if you are a careful observer, you can pick up signals. I try to notice how confortable someone is in their role - dominant or submissive. If they seem to enjoy being in control, then they are probably dominant and if they enjoy being in the subordinate position, they are probably sub.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/26/2007 9:52:32 PM

Leatherist

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We all have people in society who have higher or lower authority then we do. You just cope, it's not that hard to figure out.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/27/2007 1:36:41 AM

eyesopened

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i am very often misunderstood and mis-labled. i had to be self-reliant at a very young age. i have a responsible career in a corporate setting, i have raised two ums on my own, i am strong, capable and independent.

Recently i talked to a friend who is also in the "lifestyle" and he expressed surprise and concern that i am actually collared and planning to relocate. He cited my responsibilities and my independence. i countered with "did you ever consider that i live this way because i have to and because i am capable but this is not the way i want to live?" It takes a very special and estute Man to see the scared little girl, the deeper desires, the real need to submit to His authority. What is on the surface is a result of necessity not a natural state of being.

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RE: D/s traits in "normal" life - 12/27/2007 8:39:47 AM

parttimehotty

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i have a very demanding job and i LOVE handing over control/just doing as i'm told. ( i've always said, "Yes Sir/Ma'am" during my "vanilla" job to my co-workers/friends alike, they always reply "Don't call me that, i work for a living " :) i've always done that sometimes in jest, sometimes seriously).

i'm completely in control of numerous folks and have a very sharp wit. i kid around that i have everyone around me in check/quacking in their proverbial boots. They'd be EXTREMELY surprised that i'm a submissive at heart :)

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