In the big picture....does it really matter?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

In the big picture....does it really matter?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> In the big picture....does it really matter?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 7:46:53 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Sitting here going through the threads it struck me that quite often we get ourselves into a tailspin over stuff that is pretty trivial in nature. Maybe my perception is being clouded right now because I have an overabundance of major circumstances that I am dealing with in my life at the moment. Sometimes I get through by thinking of that saying about the man who complained because he had no shoes...until he met a man that had no feet. However, considering those two possible scenarios it makes it more difficult for me to understand the guy who is bitching and whining because he got a scuff mark on his Doc Martens.

I'm wondering though, why we sometimes allow some of the small stuff to interfere in our relationships in big ways. I mean, is it really that these things matter to us that much in the big picture...or is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff. I mean, whether or not a man pays for a $3 drink can't really be the deal breaker in a situation that otherwise feels right in all other areas can it? We wouldn't really close the door on the opportunity to find our perfect partner because their bone structure is outside of our normal ideal? We wouldn't really withdraw from intimacy with our partner because we have a scar or stretch marks?

Are we making our relationships or our search for a relationship a lot more complicated than need be?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 7:51:29 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Many in here seek the fantasy life. They want to be the lead in a romance novel. Be who you are. That always works better.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 7:53:54 AM

LordVelvet

Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

erin,
I would agree with your assessment. I think it is easier to look at the little things and nit pick them than address ourselves in the light that they probably should be looked at. I just underwent a pretty severe surgery and had 2 complications with it. Everything worked out for the most part, just need time to heal. But it also helps keep things in to perspective as to what is important and what isn't. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 3

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 7:59:51 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

While I agree that little things shouldn't carry much weight-- I project a bit when it comes to the $3 drink. The guy that didn't buy me a $3 drink and I let it slide was the same guy who "lost" his job right after I moved in with him and I let it slide and is the same man who owes our son $45,000 in child support.

A scuff on the doc martin's isn't an emergency per se but it could be an indicator that something is wrong and evaluation needs to take place. If I could stop the scuffing at one by not going back to where I got the scuff then I learned the lesson when it was trivial and not when it was drastic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Sitting here going through the threads it struck me that quite often we get ourselves into a tailspin over stuff that is pretty trivial in nature. Maybe my perception is being clouded right now because I have an overabundance of major circumstances that I am dealing with in my life at the moment. Sometimes I get through by thinking of that saying about the man who complained because he had no shoes...until he met a man that had no feet. However, considering those two possible scenarios it makes it more difficult for me to understand the guy who is bitching and whining because he got a scuff mark on his Doc Martens.

I'm wondering though, why we sometimes allow some of the small stuff to interfere in our relationships in big ways. I mean, is it really that these things matter to us that much in the big picture...or is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff. I mean, whether or not a man pays for a $3 drink can't really be the deal breaker in a situation that otherwise feels right in all other areas can it? We wouldn't really close the door on the opportunity to find our perfect partner because their bone structure is outside of our normal ideal? We wouldn't really withdraw from intimacy with our partner because we have a scar or stretch marks?

Are we making our relationships or our search for a relationship a lot more complicated than need be?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 4

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 8:00:21 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LordVelvet

erin,
I would agree with your assessment. I think it is easier to look at the little things and nit pick them than address ourselves in the light that they probably should be looked at. I just underwent a pretty severe surgery and had 2 complications with it. Everything worked out for the most part, just need time to heal. But it also helps keep things in to perspective as to what is important and what isn't. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet

I believe that I may be coming from that same sort of perspective. Having recently had two major surgeries myself, a sister who is battling breast cancer, caring for ailing parents, death, and an injury that has led to some financial difficulty...I find that I am really picky about what is important....and what is just insignificant.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LordVelvet)

Post #: 5

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 8:08:56 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I'm wondering though, why we sometimes allow some of the small stuff to interfere in our relationships in big ways. I mean, is it really that these things matter to us that much in the big picture...or is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff. I mean, whether or not a man pays for a $3 drink can't really be the deal breaker in a situation that otherwise feels right in all other areas can it? We wouldn't really close the door on the opportunity to find our perfect partner because their bone structure is outside of our normal ideal? We wouldn't really withdraw from intimacy with our partner because we have a scar or stretch marks?

Are we making our relationships or our search for a relationship a lot more complicated than need be?

Perhaps there is a bigger reason, our intuition tells us but our heart and or head cannot find it. So it latches on to something simple, but in the end meanful enough to us.

I believe, in the end if we were meant to be with a person (for whatever length of time) we passed by due to 'trivialities', they would continue to enter our lives until we did what we were meant to do.

Fate it seems, is not without a sense of irony (that's quote from a movie I like but can't remember which right now). I believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason and the stay or continues to return until that reason is accomplished; and it may be done in a brief time or take a lifetime.

Saya

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 8:20:23 AM

TethersEnd

Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

I like to make things simple. I feel it's a lack of following when our Gut talks.
And a dose of failure in listening to what is not said.

(in reply to SayaNereida)

Post #: 7

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 8:52:17 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Erin, as you know, I can relate to the entire scar thing, having one that is probably very similar to yours. If someone is going to reject me because I have a scar across my abdomen, I can safely say he's someone I don't want or need in my life. I'd rather someone think "wow, you are lucky to have that scar, lucky they found those bad things before they caused big time trouble." I'd rather be here with scars than not be here at all. And yes, I did call that guy who wouldn't buy the drink cheap. But is it a deal breaker if everything else is cool? Probably not. But if he's incessantly cheap in every part of his life, it would probably drive me crazy to the point where I wouldn't want to be around him.

I do think that this is the key, and well stated by you in the op: is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to TethersEnd)

Post #: 8

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 9:04:23 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

I'd like to think that i don't sweat the small stuff. However, what is small stuff to me may be big stuff to someone else and vice versa.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 9

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 10:24:14 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I often think the same thing but the big picture is made from lots of tiny little brush strokes.

I can't always get far enough away to see the *big picture* in my own life. It's tons easier to do with someone else's.

I can't live my life soley with an outside or wider perspective, because small, niggling irritations and problems affect it. I have to look at them and deal with them. They might seem unimportant to people outside the situation but that doesn't make them unimportant to me, at the time.

agirl

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 10

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 10:24:40 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes when life gets overwhelming with big things, it's easier to get rid of some frustrations by venting on something less significant.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 11

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 10:28:47 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,doesnt really matter to me,
To me

Mama,just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger,now hes dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now Ive gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didnt mean to make you cry-
If Im not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-

Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Bodys aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-Ive got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I dont want to die,
I sometimes wish Id never been born at all-

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico-
But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me-

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh baby-cant do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,

Any way the wind blows...

KingQueen

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 12

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 10:33:30 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

And yes, I did call that guy who wouldn't buy the drink cheap. But is it a deal breaker if everything else is cool? Probably not. But if he's incessantly cheap in every part of his life, it would probably drive me crazy to the point where I wouldn't want to be around him.

I do think that this is the key, and well stated by you in the op: is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff.

I agree here. Particularly about not ignoring the seemingly insignificant smaller things. Case in point: when someone is cheap, ie. the drink thread. My ex husband was wonderful and his slight cheapness at first seemed a good fit for my extravagant nature; I thought, ok, this will balance me out.

I ignored my worry about it. As time went on, I found his cheapness to be very deep seated and representative of deeper issues and they eventually gave way to a chasm between how we agreed to live our life together. When someone disagrees on money so badly, it can ruin a relationship.

That is a warning sign, so perhaps the cheap $ 3.00 drink is a bigger indicator of things to come.

On the other hand, looking for tiny imperfections as an excuse to run away from relationships shows someone seeking perfection, which displays a sense of unreality; I try to stay away from those people who seek airbrushed centerfolds with stepford wife personalities who live in spotless homes with 24 hour sunshine.

I find that the older and wiser I get, the less tolerant I am over bullshit, but I am also quicker to spot it and the red flags that would show me future incompatibility issues.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/5/2007 10:34:21 AM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 13

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 11:04:33 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I'm wondering though, why we sometimes allow some of the small stuff to interfere in our relationships in big ways.

erin,
Being able to blame failure on a minor action, behavior, or mistake, ideally perpetrated by someone else allows you to rationalize that it is not your fault. That perspective doesn't require introspection or make you face the larger issues head on.

It's also much harder to deal with the conversation required to answer the question; "Why don't you want me around anymore?", than it is to say - "You forgot to bring me whipped cream for my coffee - you're released!".

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 11:29:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If that three dollars is the money you need to buy a gallon of gas to get you to work, then it is a big thing. And three dollars a day, every day, every week adds up. One time is nothing, but repeated it is an indicator. In the op's story it was obvious she was paying for all meals. He wasn't ever coming to the store and buying the groceries or bringing her the wine or ever buying her a meal.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 11:34:53 AM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

I can sit and feel sorry about people I care about that are hurting in one form or another. I can choose to feel sorry for issues Master and I have to deal with. I choose to look at challenges and issues as all small stuff...it makes for less stress and when your numbers called up, you cant stop it...

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 12:05:28 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I used the $3 dollar post because I thought it was a perfect example of a "little insignificant thing". It certainly wasn't meant to be the focus. I have to say though, if I ever get to the point where $3 becomes of such major significance to me that it would compel me to ban someone from my life, walk an hour and a half home and allow it to upset me to the point that I need to garner support in an online community over it, I hope that someone would do me the kindness of shooting me right in the fucking head...and yes, I have gone through many times in my life where I didn't have even $3.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to wisteriaV)

Post #: 17

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 12:53:36 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

And yes, I did call that guy who wouldn't buy the drink cheap. But is it a deal breaker if everything else is cool? Probably not. But if he's incessantly cheap in every part of his life, it would probably drive me crazy to the point where I wouldn't want to be around him.

I do think that this is the key, and well stated by you in the op: is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff.

I agree here. Particularly about not ignoring the seemingly insignificant smaller things. Case in point: when someone is cheap, ie. the drink thread. My ex husband was wonderful and his slight cheapness at first seemed a good fit for my extravagant nature; I thought, ok, this will balance me out.

I ignored my worry about it. As time went on, I found his cheapness to be very deep seated and representative of deeper issues and they eventually gave way to a chasm between how we agreed to live our life together. When someone disagrees on money so badly, it can ruin a relationship.

That is a warning sign, so perhaps the cheap $ 3.00 drink is a bigger indicator of things to come.

On the other hand, looking for tiny imperfections as an excuse to run away from relationships shows someone seeking perfection, which displays a sense of unreality; I try to stay away from those people who seek airbrushed centerfolds with stepford wife personalities who live in spotless homes with 24 hour sunshine.

I find that the older and wiser I get, the less tolerant I am over bullshit, but I am also quicker to spot it and the red flags that would show me future incompatibility issues.

I enjoyed both of these posts very much.

One of the things that draws me to M/s is that when it works for me that small stuff tends not to become drama. When in a power exchange relationship is working for me it is much easier and clearer to identify the insignificant things we fill up our lives with on a daily basis and put them in their proper prospective.

In terms of when I see other people post things such as the drink example I always tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. I think most sane people are not going to take one small thing and immediately blow it up to a crisis level. In the drink example I believe the OP also mentioned that the dominant had made a comment that something like this was not going to just be a one time thing.

To me it is too simplistic and judgmental to think a person freaks out over one small thing and will write in a belief that it is part of a bigger issue and the example and writing style dwarfed the issue. I just would find it condescending and useless if I posted a problem and all I got was you are not submissive enough or get over it were the only answers I got.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 18

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 1:18:19 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I think a lot of it is fear of vulnerability. Take the high ground, don't let yourself fall and open up and be hurt. I can speak to that mindset very personally. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing when you need to protect yourself, heal from past relationships, or focus on yourself at hard times. But when you're ready, opening up is beautiful. Taking those chances, and giving second chances, looking at things differently, and letting yourself see and have more. But it doesn't work until you're ready. That is my experience anyway.

~ J

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 19

RE: In the big picture....does it really matter? - 12/5/2007 1:34:23 PM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Especially when you're first getting to know someone, sometimes small things can be indicators of bigger things. I guess you have to decide if it's significant enough to address. Not much bothers me but if something does, it really gets to me and I have to work it out instead of just smoothing it over.

If we didn't sometimes sweat the small stuff I don't think we would be these great enlightened beings free of all worry...I think we would have shut down communication and become totally passive aggressive!

< Message edited by goodgirl08 -- 12/5/2007 1:41:52 PM >

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> In the big picture....does it really matter?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.142