stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Sitting here going through the threads it struck me that quite often we get ourselves into a tailspin over stuff that is pretty trivial in nature. Maybe my perception is being clouded right now because I have an overabundance of major circumstances that I am dealing with in my life at the moment. Sometimes I get through by thinking of that saying about the man who complained because he had no shoes...until he met a man that had no feet. However, considering those two possible scenarios it makes it more difficult for me to understand the guy who is bitching and whining because he got a scuff mark on his Doc Martens.
I'm wondering though, why we sometimes allow some of the small stuff to interfere in our relationships in big ways. I mean, is it really that these things matter to us that much in the big picture...or is it that they are often just an indicator of something bigger going on and it's just easier to address the small stuff. I mean, whether or not a man pays for a $3 drink can't really be the deal breaker in a situation that otherwise feels right in all other areas can it? We wouldn't really close the door on the opportunity to find our perfect partner because their bone structure is outside of our normal ideal? We wouldn't really withdraw from intimacy with our partner because we have a scar or stretch marks?
Are we making our relationships or our search for a relationship a lot more complicated than need be?
Erin and Everyone
Another excellent OP, thank you.. and I agree with you.. I've just got through delayed news of the death of a parent which has had a knock on effect ending years of emotional blackmail, I've had to redefine about 29 years of life from a completely different perspective within the space of a couple of months..
I've gone through an almost complete internal transformation which has solved a lot of past issues and problems but it's also thrown new ones up. I've got through three really difficult years and it was looking better, I had worked and tried, rebuilt my life and developed a support network and this in the middle of my 'life change' only to lose most of it again and I've just had much of that support network turn away from me again. This created a lot of turbulence in my relationship and almost destroyed it.. but I've managed to clear the obstacles preventing me from getting further in my life and as a result of a series of discoveries from which I had to redefine myself and my whole life all over again including my relationships and friendships I've lost a lot of people and things from my life, yet again, I'm almost back to zero, but this is a sacrifice I've paid to be where I am now.. the relationship still stands and I'm about to make a fresh start.
The important discovery is that I'm a 'mosaic' TS female.. which means I'm not having what people would call a 'sex change'... I AM the sex change.. it's all happening naturally. and has been happening since I was about 14. which has caused my having to redefine myself. Not everyone can accept this in my life and I'm sitting here with Christmas cards and presents for people who now no longer wish to remain in my life. All of a sudden I'm finding I'm in the wrong place and suddenly isolated.
There's nothing I can do but to just shrug my shoulders and move on.. and I'm not entirely unhappy that what has happened has happened. I have my SO, her family, my extended family in Canada,.. and a similar situation as two years ago, when I arrived home to the UK street homeless having only one female friend.. I now have just one female friend I'm cooking dinner for this weekend before I leave next week to chase a life long dream across the Atlantic. Happier times ahead. Happier times now. There';s been progress. Last year I was 140lbs overweight, today I'm about 50lbs overweight.
For the sake of two bra sizes I would be a natural born she-male. This has held up my gender reassignment a further year. Next year it will be 10 years, stop start stop start, Warsaw, Vienna, London, and possibly the States. Had Lou Reed been singing Take a Boeing 747 on the wold side it could be about me. Ask anyone who knows me what gender I am and you get the same reply..,
The thing is all of you out there are just like me, we all have ying and yang, only most of you are at either end of the spectrum. I can easily verify that I'm female, I photocopied and scanned my passport and can send it by mail to anyone interested but everyone wants the webcam. These are Dommes. I'm actually bi but gave up on male Doms a long time ago and men in general, as I'm not petite, slim, or have the typically feminine karotype.
Last year I had virtually given up.. each time I get to know someone I have to go through a process of explaining who I am and being very open, and it usually results in being dumped weeks later or being abused and called a 'trannie'. I get depressed whenever I have to constantly assert myself and my true gender just to be treated normally and in many cases it just doesn't work. Not that it would get much better when I do have a vagina because there's always the question of the karotype, my karotype is intersexed. If not that it would be the figure, the weight, the stretchmarks I have on my stomach and arms.. I have never been attractive or handsome, even as a male, at best I was goodlooking, I never got dates for the way I looked, but the way i came across and who I was inside.
At 20 I offered and wanted undying eternal love... At 30 I offered and wanted genuine 'from the heart' love.. Now in my 40's if someone can accept me for who I really am, think they love me and be sure they can be with me and feel comfortable and put up with me this would be perfect.
I got into BDSM as a service submissive just before my 18th birthday..lost, confused, lonely.. unsure, highly dysfunctional.. BDSM was never a sexual thing with me, it was purely emotional, companionship, service, and several Dommes in Poland and the UK were smart enough to work this out.. and under their firm but understanding control I found myself, faced up to some difficult issues, answered some difficult questions, learned how to properly serve and give myself, I was also taught that I wasn't the freak, misfit or worthless piece of shit my parents had drilled into me throughout my childhood with beatings, emotional abuse, humiliation, degradation, put downs and constant bullying. These Dommes actually prepared me for my gender role, they gave me my self-esteem, strength, self-confidence, knowledge, a sense of self-value, and taught me control and discipline.
This is where I met my Significant Other last Spring and where I've got to know so many of you other people here on line, and together with her you've all helped me so much through validating me through what I've been going through through your kind words, postings, responses, messages, and so on. It's been a tough two or three years all told, those of you who are regular I guess already know my story or much of it, for others there's my website down below, please feel free to go through it and get to know me.
I know it's the Internet here and so many people use this site, but you're never going to find who or what you want unless you give someone a chance.
I'm here and I'm feeling torn. All in my profile and photos is real, this is me.. I've just had to process 28 years of life in a couple of months to overcome my issues and get the proper perspective.. but it's happening and it's looking more and more like I'm going to get through it.
I've got to move on.. and this means move on to somewhere beyond the BDSM community.. I'm lifestyle submissive but no longer lifestyle BDSM.. I'm here as a real person, a thinking, feeling type, and even though I got a pile of presents and cards for God knows who and my life has collapsed I have my extended family in Canada, a truly wonderful Significant Other and a bright future ahead of me.. I come here and I write, and I post, I enjoy this online community, and even though I don't have much I know I have far more than a lot of other people out there who have lives which are much harder than mine and who only have a monitor, keyboard and mouse for company. I read a lot of postings here from many different people, I reply to some, but not to others, because I cannot respond in a way I feel... as some out there don't need the words, they just need someone to give them just a big hug and I would be willing, but you still can't do something like that over the Net.
Right now at this moment in time I'm killing time. I miss the stage, and though I've done workshops and stuff with people here in London it's been two years since I last saw my work on stage and I miss the people and the atmosphere. This morning I felt really bad. Next week I fly out from London Gatwick into the States to meet my Significant Other and her family for the first time and meet with two theatres on the Gulf Coast in the South. Today I received a call from CRISIS in London accepting my proposal to do six days of intensive theatre workshops throughout Christmas with the homeless and vulnerable at their Open Christmas in London working to prepare a sort of homeless theatre festival with three plays involving up to 40 people in six days, teaching them all the basics of acting. I had to turn it down. The flight was booked over a week ago.
I need to get back into my own life the way it was two years ago, I have a wonderful SO and the chance to do something I've wanted to do for many years - 'do theatre' in the States. During my years in Polish theatre I got to know a lot of expat Americans and have considered doing theatre (or theater) in the States for many years.. first out in San Francisco, then Oregon, then Minneapolis, and for the past few years the South.. looking at Texas, Georgia, Tennessee... . I'm hoping to set up a small theatre on the Gulf Coast working with people who lost everything after Katrina, and through helping them rebuild their lives rebuild my own and help to rebuild their communities. I'm doing what I do best in life, chasing dreams, not just my own but also helping people chase their own dreams..
I'm gearing up for a big leap into the big unknown.. God knows what will happen or when.. all I got is this dream, a handful of plays my experience and a theory based on some ideas. With the dream is a sort of sense of some kind of destiny.. you see I'm hoping to open my US theatre with a play I wrote during Katrina in Polish for Polish theatre, which never got produced.. due to my coming out in support of gays and lesbians in Poland.. I translated it into English and tried to stage it this year in London, without success.. so I'd like to maybe try staging it in the States, in the very places which were affected by Katrina. Just to put all of what this community taught me into practice.
Therefore I'm working towards some sort of closure here and 'retiring' from the community, but still keep in touch with CM and the people here.. but realise I've got to move on and get it together.. I still got some time and will still be posting but just wanted to share my experiences with you to add to what is an excellent thread...
Both theatre and BDSM run through my life and to me they're very similar.. Erin is right, you cannot lose sight of the big picture, the dreams, and I feel you have to give people chances and the benefit of the doubt. My SO came into my life on a misunderstanding.. she thought I was a service submissive based in London Alabama, the next state to her, and I responded to say no, this is London UK.. Most Dommes would have moved on, she didn't.. and she found me deeply depressed.. Again most Dommes would have moved on... she didn't.
She taught me so much in the last few months, not just that the only way into a relationship in this community is to offer something, but also it's the imperfections, problems, issues and blemishes in us which often break the ice and bring us together, not our own expectations or demands.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 12/5/2007 11:43:36 PM >
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