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Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 1:28:40 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Greetings F/folks..
i don't know how to describe this as best as i can.. i am a 44 year old male who has been dreaming of being a sub/slave for as long as i can remember.. However when i came across being in real life service with a Mistress i find that i become resistant to submitting and my mind starts creating insecurity to myself. Regrettably i can be very nervous and i kick back with results of me being disappointed for myself and having the feel that i don't belong in the BDSM community. i must let people know that i am very mild in the practice of BDSM (almost vanilla) as all i have is a foot fetish and a strong will for Female Supremacy. i can bestow some light pain but nothing to what i see some folks do!! i would appreciate any similar cases that other F/folks have experienced with.. Cheers
petpete

< Message edited by petpete -- 11/25/2007 1:30:39 AM >

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

Post #: 1

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:15:17 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Just because your not into pain does not mean you cannot be a sub, the list of available kinks and types of relationships are endless , this is why people here set limits on what they will and will not do. I am not a masochist either , that does not make me less of a sub, it just means my activities in play will differ in intensity or type to one that is a masochist, while I will participate in flogging,and spankings I do insist on use of a safe word that way if I find I am not able to reach subspace or the intensity becomes too much for me I can stop play rather than suffer through something I am not enjoying. It also means I have to find partners that will either respect my limits or are not sadists and have compatible interests/kinks as I do.

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 2

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:36:49 AM

simplyserves

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/16/2007
Status: offline

I think the trick is not to try and meet what you perceive to be the standards of the BDSM community or to expect your dreams to match reality right away. The truth is that most people aren't completely sure of themselves in many aspects of life, and it's certainly true of BDSM. In theory the purpose of the community isn't to set standards or an ideal to strive for but to accept people and offer both connectedness and guidance.

Fantasy and reality are different and anyone with experience in this arena I'm sure has more then a few stories involving disappointment and confusion when they find the reality lacking what the fantasy built. However, being submissive is as natural as anything else and insecurity is part and parcel of exploring one's kinks and fetishes. So don't let it get you down.

For a long time I felt as you do, and we're not alone in that. Feeling that submissiveness is something both distinct from the rest of yourself and that maintaining that distinction is a struggle is common. I've learned through trial and lots of error that it's not distinct and is a balance-able and integrated part of my personality. It doesn't require me to play a role to maintain or develop. I don't think I'm distinct in that.

Submission is a process and not a state. That said, being submissive is not defined by your limits, needs or lack there-of. It also doesn't require willingness to serve another person. At it's most mild it is being able to accept authority over you, deferring to a will other then your own. That might be as simple as letting women choose what movie you're going to see or as extreme as being beaten into a trance. The extent of that authorities power isn't relevant to whether or not you're submissive. It doesn't diminish it to not be able to take 1000 lashes or even to want to serve.

You may also find that it's not submitting that you're resistant to, but it was the circumstances you were in. Take what you have, need and who you are and explore with other, responsible people. Take it slowly and learn about yourself.

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 3

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:54:33 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Thank You for Your much needed reply.. i am a newbie and very much confused of how i should be.. i appreciate Your help and experience.

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 4

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 3:01:36 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

i appreciate so much your encouragement and have given me some hope. Your words are very important to me as i am a newbie and this and feel pretty down when i see others having no limits and myself very much with limits makes me very worried with the person that i will have to give my submission to. Thank you very much again for taking the time to help me in my confusion. Cheers.
petp

(in reply to simplyserves)

Post #: 5

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 4:14:26 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My guess is that you have some internal walls about being a submissive male in the first place. Until you work to accept yourself, love yourself and foster a sense of self worth, you'll probably always rebel against what you want most. I'd also bet you have some fear of success and so you self sabotage so that failure is guaranteed. Read a little about the Sabotuer, which is one of the four survival archetypes, according to Myss. http://myss.com/library/contracts/four_archs.asp. Then, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Who are you?
2. What do you want?
3. What are you willing to do to get it?

Most people think they'll have to give up positive stuff in order to get what they want, much like giving up money in order to buy goods. Most of the time, however, it's just the opposite. We give up negative views and concepts more often than not. So, are you willing to give up your rebellion in order to get what you want (a healthy Ds relationship)?

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 6

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 5:24:19 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Thank You MasterF.. i do come from a male dominated upbringing and i cannot tell anyone in my close cycle of who i really am. i was also married vanilla for 14 years. Thank You once again and You do have a point. i feel that i am sabotaging myself and my ex Mistress told me so, and so as the recent Mistress that i applied to serve when i got close to contacting with. Thank You for Your help.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 7

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 9:11:00 AM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

Petpete,

First of all, there is no "one true way" of being submissive. You are perfectly free to play at whatever level you enjoy. It's a misconception that we all dress up in leather, looking like a character in "People Under the Stairs" and allow ourselves to be beaten black and blue. No, there are plenty of folks who play in ways that look almost totally vanilla to an outside obsever.

It sounds like you are very definitely a submissive... not a masochist. You like serving your imagined Domme? You see yourself helping her, making her life easier? You want to worship her feet? Maybe spend a lovely afternoon doing her nails for her? Then good for you! I'd say you're doing just fine. You're beginning to differentiate between what you fantasize about, and what you actually like in real life.

The main thing is, get out there, present yourself honestly, and find someone who would love to have you serving her.

BTW, who's your friend in the Catwoman outfit?

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 8

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 1:57:42 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Greetings bipolarber..
You have the most encouraging words so far towards me.. Thats exactly how i like to be dominated. Its just that some F/folks are calling me that i am inadequate and self centered. i think there was a group of Dommes that has played on me a hoax and making me feel that i should not belong here and that i am vanilla as of my sexual preference. i have met a lovely Lady from the US and W/we did get to meet for 3 weeks as i brought Her here to visit the country but sadly i cannot relocate for Her. i am also very worried to who i will submit completely as to my future security. The way that some people live has made me worry with my plans for my future. i have allot to lose if let some of the people that i met control me in a financial way and health wise way. The way some of the people i've met chose to live is unacceptable to me.. As for the person on the picture it is at Warner Brothers theme park in Queensland Australia.
Thank you so much for your so valuable advice bipolarber. i have been very much spooked in here by some of the F/folks...lol
petpete

(in reply to bipolarber)

Post #: 9

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:23:34 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Being a male submissive is totally fucked up! You have to abandon much that makes you a "man" in the eyes of society. You have to embrace a role that many consider to be a caricature. You have little support from the bdsm community. You have to deal with the female doms which I think many are even nuttier than your average male dominant which is saying a LOT. Intelligent healthy female dominants are hard to find and in demand.

In other words, it takes HUGE fucking cajones to do what you are doing! Look how many male doms submit in private quacking in fear they might be "found out"! So the fact that you are nervous and a bit skittish is completely understandable, it still sucks for you and your chosen partner though.

Remember the stronger you are, the more secure you are in who you are and what you are doing, the more beauty your submission has for many people. I think all in all you are doing pretty damn well, NOBODY does it well at first. Here is a secret too, but don't tell anyone..."more than likely she is faking it on some level and scared as hell too"!

That said, I cannot recommend highly enough and I am sure some will second this, buy a copy of The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton from Amazon or someplace. Read that book, then read it again. I think it will help you immensely. The same people who published that one, Greenery Press, just combined and reprinted two books written for male submissives, a touch hot fantasy but still VERY solid non fiction books on making yourself more desirable as a male submissive, in fact any submissive would benefit from reading them as would any smart dominant.

So I wish you the best and if you ever have a question, feel free to contact me privately.

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 10

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:49:08 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Thanks SM!! Gee!! i never thought to live this lifestyle would be so hard.. If You check on the advices i've been given i think i will go deranged like You are to.. (sorry Man but it says Deranged under Your name.. lol). But i appreciate all the advices i get from all the F/folks.. By means i enjoy this ride i'm having on collarme me and really NO.1 who i serve and look after is myself (until i find the suitable Domme) But truly i can hold my own pretty well and am not holding my breath on who will find me and if i find who.. i take each day as it comes and there are far more important issues then relationships. i maybe be a sub but the Dommes that i know i feel like giving them allot of advice's on how there everyday life should be.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 11

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 2:55:10 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Most of us have fantasies. Sometimes, fantasies are just what they are. Fantasy. In reality, some fantasies just aren't meant to be. Other times, some are in shock that there fantasy is coming true and panic. They don't belive that it can really happen.

Does serving or being in a scene make you feel like you first did when you had sex or romanticly envovled with someone?

Whatever you case is, I'm sure you'll figure it out and where you really want to go in life. When you're ready, then you're ready. Keep taking everything one small step at a time and you'll be there before you know it.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 12

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 3:05:16 PM

sexyone4you

Posts: 613
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

This may not be of much help, but I thought I would chime in anyway. Have you thought that you may just be fighting your submission out of fear? If this has been your fantasy for as long as you can remember, are you scared of getting what you always thought you wanted? Are you scared that you have been wrong this whole time? Talk with your Mistress/Domme/Ma'am about your concerns. If she's experienced, she will have probably run into someone that has faced similar concerns as you and can help you discover what's at the root of all of this.

As for pain play, I have to agree with what has already been said. The types of kink you are into don't make you any more or less of a sub.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 13

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 3:07:21 PM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

I totally understand pete. Five year ago when i first started i was the same way. I knew I truely wanted/ needed to be a slave but i was so scared that i denied it... After all how could a professional mom of 3 UMs be a slave. I didnt like pain, i was a sissy hell I pretended to think that people that wanted to be beat and have bruises were sick people. Yet I craved the control and the kink

Then I met a Wonderful man that taught me it was ok be scared and farther more good to be scared, after all I was thinking about handing control of my life to some one. He taught me to keep an open mind and to look deep with in me to find the true me before i started looking for my One. I also had to figure out that there are no set rules, that each relationsip is what the people involved make it. Learn as much as you can about everything. Knowledge is power and if used right it will keep you safe.

hope this helped a little... Good Luck

PS: Five years later and the same Wonderful man is still teaching me but now he is my Master * smiles* Thank Goodness he is a very patient Master.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 14

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 3:59:08 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Pete - let me throw something out there that may sound odd - you seem a perfect candidate to see a pro domme - that way you can dip your little toe in the scene as you desire- to figure out if this is the life that you want. Not meant to be hurtful - just and option.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to LaMspeach)

Post #: 15

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 4:26:03 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Greetings to all the lovely people that offer and offered me there valuable knowledge and wisdom of there own experience in life for a newbie so i don't feel that much on my own.
Firstly i would like to answer MrSp.. i haven't seen a pro Domme since the last party i attended in an underground warehouse and that was several years ago. As for my fetish i tend to entertain my vanilla friends (i am manipulative in such a way that i offer them a massage when we tend to stay home while watching a movie or whatever). But i would never dare tell them of my real thoughts. i thank LaMs as people like her only give me more encouragement that i am not alone in this position. For the sexyone...mmmmmmmmm.... You do look very sexy and wise (if you are the girl in the pic) chuckles.. Yes i do have fear to whom i will give the power and trust of submitting entirely to. So that translates to nervous and sometimes erratic behavior to shake away the Dommes that send me negative feelings. Sorry to do so but thats me.. Last but not least i thank Fnf as he relates it to my fantasy. Yes when i have the chance to serve i tend to get very excited and exactly the way Fnf describes it. i thank again all the people who have donated some of there time to offer me there own life experience and personal knowledge so i can find out more about myself.. Take care all and i would love to keep a friendship going.. Cheers.. (if Y/you notice A/all i keep some distance from catwoman, worried about Her claws and the whip swinging..lol)

< Message edited by petpete -- 11/25/2007 5:09:14 PM >

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

Post #: 16

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 7:25:19 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am going to say that a pro domme doesn't sound like the right route for you, since you are not into playing as such.

Is there a local scene where you live, or at least reasonably close? I kow Melbourne is a big city! Being involved with others will get you attention, and you can talk to others in a vanilla setting where you do not have to proclaim your orientation. I know it can be very difficult to get out and meet people, but you have to start somewhere. Perhaps you can even start your own little group and host pedicure parties. :)

Master Fire's advice is marvelous--take stock of who and what you are, and focus on what your real goals are. Good male submissives are prizes, believe me.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 17

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 8:17:18 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Thank You LadyH for Your enlightenment to me.. Words coming from such a voluptuous beautiful Lady as Yourself (had a peek at Your profile, love Your vintage style..) are more then a privilege to a humble subbie like myself.. i still have a very active vanilla life on Saturday nights. i love to boogie and dance but the BDSM scene is very dull when it comes to the party atmosphere. i used to attend when the plays where on a Sunday or some other day, but i'm the type of guy who just sits at the bar doesn't know anyone and watches.. (meantime the new age music can feel annoying to myself..) Its a shame they cant play born to be alive, or some good times rock'n'roll on the BDSM platform lol.. my humble apologies for my silly remarks but it can get kinda boring for a single guy to just wonder and watch.. But i may have to try again and get out of my shell.. i cant remain a turtle all my life.. (it feels like its shortening on me too..) i appreciate all the help that Y/you folks are giving me.
petpete

< Message edited by petpete -- 11/25/2007 8:48:18 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 18

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 9:29:57 PM

MzMinx

Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

there is a club called Chains that is held once a month in melbourne .... the age range would suit you .. and it is more a meeting and social chat event than a full on play venue although play does happen and is actively encouraged ....
If you tell the door people you are new they will intro you to a few people .... but like any where ... you need to make the effort to engage people ....
treat them as people rather than as possable dominants ...
get to know everyone as people and friends first rather than try to play ...
meet other submissive males and submissives in general, rather than just seeking the attention of dominant woman...
interacting with others who have had similar experiences as you is one way to help increase your comfort levels and knowledge of yourself..... I think you would learn a great deal from other male submissives ...

just remember that what you see in public is often the S/m side of things as D/s is a little harder to spot in general ....unless you know what is going on, so it can make it seem that everyone is into pain play .. when really that is just the most obvious play/interactions to notice

also being aware that you are nervouse and how those nerves and fear effect your behaviour is really important... you may desire submission .. but that does not make every dominant responsible for helping you through those nerves or make them required to accept that bratty or other types of acting out behaviour is due to your fears and should be given extra leeway.... adults are adults .... as much as its true, as FnF shared, it can be like being back when you where first discovering sex etc ... you are still a grown man with a fair amount years .... and should be able to understand your own nerves and help control them enough to act ok around others

on a side note.... may I just share that your journal often comes across as drama infused and full of gossip .... (being in melbourne myself I see it come up on my home page often, as your profile fits within my search criteria for age and location).. so even though I am not one who hides my dominance, I would not be interested in haveing my interactions with someone, written in such a soap opera like way. So aside from anything else, such would make me stay away from you as a friend or submissive, as I dont seek such drama in my life and especially dont seek it in a public forum

I dont know if this is part of the self sabotageing behaviour you where talking about ... but I think it has that effect .. I have no problems with journaling and diaries in any way ... I think for many they are a really good tool .... but I think how and where they are written is really important ....

I hope you find what you seek .... there are many dominant woman who are not sadists and who do not seek extremes of any level so what you you seek is not impossable and I think quite common

< Message edited by MzMinx -- 11/25/2007 9:36:22 PM >

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 19

RE: Fighting my submissive self.. - 11/25/2007 9:58:04 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

i welcome the wisdom talking and experienced MsMinx. i find that playing along with people that had fun with me in the past was very entertaining for myself. There have been times that people put on an act on me and i have a fair idea who they are. i don't care if You like my acting or not. i am not looking for a job as an actor nor i ever had plans to be one. But there are some Ladies in our local community who love to lets say play games. That can and may have negative reactions to some subs. i know all the clubs and the BDSM venues in my local town and i am a member in one. i have been aware of chains as it is very close to my residential address. What i find quite disturbing is the attitude of some of the local Ladies that they seem to know all and treat subs that have never met in a most disrespectful manner. my sincere apologies if i came across to You in a very abrupt and not suitable for Your standards way. You certainly are not fully aware of who i am and i wouldn't want to waste Your valuable time anyway.. Cheers.
petpete.

(in reply to MzMinx)

Post #: 20

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