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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 7:25:58 AM

Valyraen

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I could say I was born dominant... but really, I don't think I was. If anything, I actually come off as submissive to most people the first time that I meet them, simply because I'm shy and rather quiet until I warm up to folk. Add to that the fact that I enjoy working in roles that allow me to help people, and I can understand why some folks have that impression.

Up until just about two years ago (and I'm 23 writing this), I was pretty 'nilla, though with a bit of a proclivity for using scarves and handcuffs. I was kinky, sure, but I wouldn't have gone so far as to call myself out-and-out leather - at that point in time, I knew next-to-nothing about the lifestyle. Never had any fantasies about tying anyone up, or beating someone, or any of the deliciously terrible things that I enjoy now. As it happens, I still don't have fantasies about tying people up, or flogging them - while my subconscious is sick, it just doesn't involve BDSM.

As far as the whole nature vs. nurture discussion... I don't know. I learned to love the lifestyle and came to embrace dominance as something about myself. I've come to accept that I have some sadistic tendencies. I don't really stand on one side of the issue or the other at this point in time, and I don't really see a need to. To quote a particularly crotchety sailor, I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 7:53:00 AM

grlneedstolearn

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i was about 19 when i first started getting more interested in it, and met some friends who brought me and taught me my Domme side, but after awhile i figured out the submissive side and loved it. So i would say my first submissive was when i was 20 and learned a little bit before i found the lying side of a couple Doms, not saying that all Doms are bad don't get me wrong, so i did a little back and forth switching before coming to terms and finally realizing my need to serve and submit.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 8:58:43 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67
I am running into people who first "discovered the lifestyle" online in their late twenties or or thirties or so. I can't relate to that. If you are hardwired that way...I mean it doesn't make sense.

How can you discover this so late?

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67
My sexual oriention is "submissive" but I am still confused over what my non sexual orientation is. I suspect Domme but not totally sure

Then surely you must understand where others aren't so sure, either?

Like you, I knew I was different but just thought I was mentally ill or something (no comment from the peanut gallery). So I tried to conform to be "normal." It wasn't until my 30's that I discovered there was this whole mess of people out in the world who were living this way in their daily lives...and that I could, too. I didn't discover how much I needed to express this very major part of myself until even later, after that.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 9:35:43 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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Fast reply:

Standard disclaimers of the IMO/YMMV variety apply.

I was raised in a southern, 1950s-style family where women were supposed to be submissive. My natural dominance was not welcome so I tried very hard to cram that part of me into a small, dark box and pretend it didn't exist. Needless to say, it didn't work very well and I was miserable for most of my childhood.

When I got out into the world, I discovered the box wasn't necessary. However, it took years before I was able to stop hearing my mother's voice in the back of my head chastising me every time I asserted myself. So, while I can say that my nature was dominant from an early age, I didn't know it was okay to be dominant. It took me well into my 20s to undo my early conditioning and accept myself for who I am.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 9:42:20 AM

DemonAndBrat

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Brat says she always knew she was a sadomasichist. I had strong Sadistic and Dominant traits all my life, but really didn't equate them with pleasure till I finally tried too suppress them to peacefully live a 'normal' life. Wasn't until Brat recognized something in me and began drawing these traits back out I started truely exploring the options in the last year or so. Also I don't think it would have been safe to play with as a Dominant Sadist when I was younger, not sure my toys would have survived the experiences.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 12:30:36 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

submission is not always about sex, they can and are seperate things sometimes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I can't enjoy sex inless I have a top. I have no choice.

I know. My sexual oriention is "submissive" but I am still confused over what my non sexual orientation is. I suspect Domme but not totally sure

I don't care what my orientation is.....I didn't before I knew what bdsm was, either. I'm not looking for something to pin my character on and Dom/sub etc would be ridiculously narrow.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 12:58:52 PM

charlotte12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well as I like to say- orientation is innate, expression of orientation is learned.

Just what i was going to say....only LA said it much more clearly with far fewer words used.

We don't see very many representations in todays society of how a "kinky" relationship can be manifested. Not that bdsm movies would be more accurate to real life than movies about vanilla romance are but if one has never seen the things that make up ones fantasies represented in our culture than the thought that it can be part of normal life may not even cross someones mind. It certainly didn't cross mine. I used to think the only way i could play out my fantasies was if i could get a holodeck from star treck and program them in.

When i was 19 i discovered bdsm (first time ihad my own computer and a bit of privacy) and began the process of discovering how to live out the things i had always dreamed of.

Oh well...i couldn't resist rambling anyway.

charlotte

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/22/2007 12:56:03 AM

MaamJay

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It took Me till the internet and My 40s to find out what all those things I'd thought and dreamed about were actually called ... that's all

Then it took Me another year or so to come to grips with the fact that not only did SOME people live this in real 24/7 ... I COULD TOO! YAY!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/22/2007 8:00:05 AM

stella41b

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Is being submissive really a sexual orientation? Or more a favoured way of expressing one's intimate emotions and feelings?

I've known I was submissive since the age of 4, this wasn't the issue with me.. my issue was working out who I was and what gender I belonged to. Took me 9 more years to realise that maybe I wasn't a boy after all, 4 years after that to seriously doubt I was male at all, and a further 13 years to discover I was actually female.

I'm a lifestyle submissive... which doesn't mean I'm lifestyle BDSM, but submissive in my way of life, I work in ways which serve and help others, through my work in theatre, through my drama workshops, through my voluntary work with the homeless, isolated, vulnerable and people going through crises, through my work as a TEFL English tutor, through my work as a domestic cleaner... Also to my Mistress, to Dommes, etc.

I don't have sex with any of the above people.

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/22/2007 8:15:06 AM

sexyred1

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I am always fascinated to learn when people first learned of their interest in BDSM since I knew of my desires as a small child.

I was aroused by certain things and of course, had no knowledge of WHY they turned me on. I only knew they were so exciting to me. As I got a bit older, during my teens, I read alot and was introduced to books, like the Story of O, etc. and that information, combined with puberty, finally put the desires I was having and my newfound knowledge together. It was a relief to finally understand why I had those feelings.

Then I knew the source of my sexuality right then at age 16, and never looked back. I never thought I was different, or weird, or strange, even though I never discussed this with anyone. I felt healthy and came from a great family, no abuse issues; I just felt "born" that way.

So I guess my belief is that one is wired sexually at a very young age. I think we are all "imprinted" with our first sexual arousal from something and that "something" stays with us forever. You can ignore it or embrace it.

Perhaps I do not remember the first thing that imprinted me (my ex husband for example, vividly remembers being 5 and seeing prostitutes dressed in leather being arrested on TV on the news and getting very aroused. His mother saw and screamed at him to be good boy and not watch those "bad" women. So, what happened? He became a leather fetishist, LOL. But he also had conflicting feelings always since he had bad voices telling him it was "wrong" to like that kind of thing.)

I think when people discover their orientation as older adults, they either had no partner with to practice it upon, or tried to deny their feelings or change them, or they truly were unaware of what it was they needed and something triggered it for them late in life.

It is all very fascinating from a psychological point of view. I just hope people can just embrace what they are and try and enjoy it.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/22/2007 8:17:07 AM >

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/22/2007 9:50:43 AM

petdave

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i'm with you... i know it sounds bad, but sometimes i see posts, usually from women in their 20s or 30s, who have Just Discovered Submission and isn't this exhilerating and it makes them ever so much deeper in love and they never thought they'd let somebody spank them but here they are and and and and... and i'm just kinda, WTF?

i mean, i grew up pre-internet, and i found a book in the library that mentioned sadism and masochism when i was in junior high school and immediately recognized it. i know i read more than most, but you can only hold out so long...

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