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discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 12:51:00 AM

shootingstar67

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I don't want to offend anyone by making this post. I am just trying to ease my mind and understand. I have alot of abuse in my past and i am doing everything i can to meet only safe people.

I was already well aware of my bdsm orientation when I was eight and playing with dolls. I went through the hell and isolation of thinking I was the olny one. There was no internet in my day.

I believe I was born submissive like some are born gay or another gender.

I am running into people who first "discovered the lifestyle" online in their late twenties or or thirties or so. I can't relate to that. If you are hardwired that way...I mean it doesn't make sense.

How can you discover this so late?

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Post #: 1

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:16:11 AM

briska

Posts: 126
Joined: 7/12/2006
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By not having thought about it, by not knowing it existed.... Sure, i'm relatively young to be in the scene (20, came into it when I was 19), but I had no idea people actually did these things that i saw on tv - let alone enjoyed them - until my Sir came along and introduced me to something I came to love, embrace, and recognize as in me. Not every one knows themselves as well as one would hope to, so it does happen that people don't recognize a kink for a form of ritualized D/s or just plain kinky sex til much older.

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Mmm... briska!

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Post #: 2

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:23:54 AM

mya75

Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
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I dont think all submissives are born such ...there seems to be characteristics or traits one may have earlier in life but in my opinion its just that same as some are born gay and some arent ......some people are just able to do what they enjoy or get pleasure from without having to be wired any certain way....just my opinion

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"A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise person learns from the mistakes of others."

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Post #: 3

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:28:42 AM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
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I can't enjoy sex inless I have a top. I have no choice.

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Post #: 4

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:34:37 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
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I have always had a submisive streak I desire to make those in authority happy in whatever way necessary, be it a parent teacher boss whatever. That has been hardwired into me since forever and that may or may not have impacted on my sexuality. All I can say about that is I have always been "out there" sexually however although I dabbled in kink in my late teens early twenties I did not fully understand what it all meant. It has not been untill I began exploring again this year that I knew for certain that this is where I belong, I feel fulfilled and content. It was funny though because for 8 years I lived completely nilla and yet when I look back at the porn I accumulated during that time it was all bdsm themed, and that was not something I even realised I had done

(in reply to mya75)

Post #: 5

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:44:25 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

i didn't find out about D/s until three years ago, when a stray remark about "dominants" in a vanilla chat room led me to do some research. i was able to recognise i was and always had been a submissive, but until then i thought i was just weak or insecure; what feminist needed a strong Man running her life?

All i can say is. while i wish i had known at 18, i'm so glad i finally found out.

pinksugarsub

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RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 1:53:03 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
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I think you answered your own question when you said, "I went through the hell and isolation of thinking I was the olny one." You risk loosing friends and many other things when you confide such interests in others, this often leads people to be gaurded concerning their sexual interests and prevents them from fully understanding them.

As to when a BDSM interest develops, I'm sure the psychologists have an answer for this but I do believe some folks are submissively or dominantly inclined from birth. I know I have taken certain please in the intensity of plane as long as I can remember and there was a certain amount of enjoy in a spanking from a female teacher.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 7

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 2:05:07 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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submission is not always about sex, they can and are seperate things sometimes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I can't enjoy sex inless I have a top. I have no choice.

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 8

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 2:18:17 AM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

submission is not always about sex, they can and are seperate things sometimes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I can't enjoy sex inless I have a top. I have no choice.

I know. My sexual oriention is "submissive" but I am still confused over what my non sexual orientation is. I suspect Domme but not totally sure

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I am a Female Submissive exploring these boards.

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Post #: 9

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 4:34:16 AM

Aneirin

Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

.....I was already well aware of my bdsm orientation when I was eight and playing with dolls. I went through the hell and isolation of thinking I was the olny one. There was no internet in my day......

I believe I was born submissive like some are born gay or another gender.

I am running into people who first "discovered the lifestyle" online in their late twenties or or thirties or so. I can't relate to that. If you are hardwired that way...I mean it doesn't make sense.

How can you discover this so late?

Myself also, I had an interest from a very early age as one memory I have at about age ten, I tied a friend to a tree and I mean tied, no escape.The embarassment was when someone's mum had to come out with a pair of scissors to cut the bonds as no one could undo my knots. My knots, I was taught by an ex mariner.

So that is one memory that from the time made me feel apart from others, I felt not trusted nor liked as word got around the mums about my tying skills!

Obviously aware I was different from an early age, I struggled too with my feelings.And yes the internet made me realise I was not alone nor weird, sick or anything like that and that was only four years past.

Now many may flame me for this, but I do believe nature has defined our roles, I find if one looks at a courtship ritual between two sexes in nature, there is 'd' and 's' with both sexes initially, the hunt, the capture etc . But after capture, the submission to nature and natures reason for us, the continuance of our species. I also believe where one feels submissive to another may only be a tempory thing, as life goes on needs change, we have to seek more of ourselves.

Just my thoughts, is also why I see a switch orientation as a more balanced existance, or a dom(me) who may bottom or a sub who may top.Straight forward I am D or I am s, is I think an unreal state.

I am just open to anything, if another can facilitate that anything, I am able to learn about myself. Sometimes labels really suck.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 10

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 4:34:59 AM

CdnExplorer

Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

I realized I was into stuff like bondage when I was 7 or 8, and like others felt I was a freak. When I was in highschool and the net started to get big I poked around a bit but the charicature of male submission I found wasn't how I wanted to be labeled. I didn't know anyone did things differently, because I had nobody to talk to and opening up to people about what I wanted was just too risky. I always knew I was kinky, but I didn't "find the lifestyle" for a long time. Two very different things, really.

In the last year I've finally become ok with what / who I am and found a bunch of people I can talk to about these things. I don't think it's so incredible really, some people just don't have the opportunity to explore their kink at a young age.

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 11

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 4:40:30 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I don't want to offend anyone by making this post. I am just trying to ease my mind and understand. I have alot of abuse in my past and i am doing everything i can to meet only safe people.

I was already well aware of my bdsm orientation when I was eight and playing with dolls. I went through the hell and isolation of thinking I was the olny one. There was no internet in my day.

I believe I was born submissive like some are born gay or another gender.

I am running into people who first "discovered the lifestyle" online in their late twenties or or thirties or so. I can't relate to that. If you are hardwired that way...I mean it doesn't make sense.

How can you discover this so late?

I think that where you are having trouble relating is where some draw that invisible line at what they define as submissive and what you define as submissive.

For some, yes, they were born with a submissive personality , it is exactly WHO they are.
For others, submissive is instead WHAT they are.

Neither is better or worse; just different in how a person relates the actual word with themselves.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 12

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 5:44:32 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I think it's on a continuum much like sexuality. At one end of the spectrum there is extremely submissive and at the other end is extremely dominant. For those born with tendencies on the extreme end it might come up at a very early age. For those of us with tendencies more toward the middle it might not come up until we find out that it exists and then through exploration find out where we are most comfortable.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 13

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 5:53:01 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I am running into people who first "discovered the lifestyle" online in their late twenties or or thirties or so. I can't relate to that. If you are hardwired that way...I mean it doesn't make sense.

How can you discover this so late?

i "discovered" my submissive side in my mid-30s after someone recognized i was submissive. in my childhood, i was surrounded by "God" (my mother who was a devote Catholic) and "Country" (my father who's a career military personnel) - so i was "programmed" to be independent and self-efficient, etc. by the time i was a pre-teen, i was a mini-adult with lots of responsibilities that a kid my age shouldn't have to handle.

not everyone is going to experience the moment of "discovery" in their childhood like you did. all of us are designed and function differently from the other. if i had discovered this about me sooner, i think i would be a different person than i am now.

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(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 14

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:14:15 AM

ItalianSMistress

Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline

I know I have heard that lots of the people in this lifestyle have had fantasies related to it since they were very very young. I dont ever remember having any, although when I look back I most def played childhood BDSM type games, lol. When I was 18 I met a man that said he was a submissive, I thought I would try it out. For the next four years I kept him as My slave. It was not until after I was done with him, that I knew how many other people did this, I never knew before. I never read a book, was in a chatroom, or anything else related to what many use as first steps. I just went in blind and made things up as I went along, I can tell you all how shocking it was to see that others did the same kind of things I thought were My own idea, LOL. And that this things I was doing to him even had names.

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 15

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:15:03 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

I think it's on a continuum much like sexuality. At one end of the spectrum there is extremely submissive and at the other end is extremely dominant. For those born with tendencies on the extreme end it might come up at a very early age. For those of us with tendencies more toward the middle it might not come up until we find out that it exists and then through exploration find out where we are most comfortable.

Now this is a wonderful way to put it. Very nicely said

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 16

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:15:08 AM

vtviceversa

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/13/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

How can you discover this so late?

It is often amazing how much of ourselves we can suppress.

I did for many many years.

Discovery came as I was able to peel back those layers.

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 17

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:15:18 AM

NinjaProphet

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/11/2006
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I'm a sadist. Doing hurty things to people makes my dick hard. Doing hurty things to people who like it, makes my dick even harder.
That being said, the whole "Dominance" thing has always escaped definition in my head. I tend to gravitate to leadership positions in most areas of my life, so doing that in a sexual situation is like second nature to me.

At the same time, I'm open to all kinds of input from my submissive. Some would call this topping from the bottom, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

So, am I a Dominant?? That words been bandied about so much that it's more of an opinion than a well-defined role. So like most of you...if I don't like the definition, I write my own.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:32:01 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well as I like to say- orientation is innate, expression of orientation is learned.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_744252/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#744266
Do you think you were "born this way"?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_691960/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#691984
naturally Ds?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_499963/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#499979
Nature or nurture?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_307130/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#307130
Do you feel being a dom/me is innate or can be learned?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_461558/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#461558
hard-wired, why why why!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_143698/mpage_1/key_born%252Craised/tm.htm#143698
nature versus nurture

http://www.collarchat.com/m_760860/mpage_2/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#761518
born to serve?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_468650/mpage_1/key_nature%252Cnurture/tm.htm#468650
nature vs nurture

http://www.collarchat.com/m_35901/mpage_1/key_learned%252Cborn/tm.htm#35901
born or learned, how we become dom?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 19

RE: discovering orientation as an adult? - 11/21/2007 6:32:46 AM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

I was going to make the point about the continuum as well.
I was having vanilla sex for many many years, and frankly it wasn't all that bad - in fact highly enjoyable. It's not like I was suffering by any means.
It was only through recent introspection and thinking about how I might want to make sex MORE enjoyable that I realized I wanted to try more of a D/s dynamic.

(in reply to NinjaProphet)

Post #: 20

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