Instability in the Lifestyle (Full Version)

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servilecat -> Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 10:34:53 AM)

Someone asked me this the other day and i think i had too many answers for them but i think fresh possibilities might be in order....
What are some suggestions, keeping in mind the motto of safe, sane and consensual....When someone you are either friends with or involved within the lifestyle in any manner becomes unstable?  This would be either due to mental instablility as well as drug or alcohol abuse.  Be it Dominant or submissive or undecided...They of course refuse help.  Do you run for cover?



Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 10:41:07 AM)

If they are unable to recognize or accept the fact that they are unstable due to some new thing (drugs, alcohol, depression, etc) and are unwilling to hear it when others mention it, then they are not trustworthy.  If I cannot trust someone, I do not need them in my life.

I'm willing to help someone I care for if they are willing to accept the fact that they need the help. Otherwise, it's pointless.  Until they recognize they need the help, they will only refuse it and cause serious heartache.  I don't need that.



ottRopesandKnots -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 10:44:30 AM)

I think you would do the same thing whether you're in the lifestyle or not.  You try to convince them to get help, and try to be there for them where you can without putting yourself at risk.  If you feel they aren't trustworthy because of their instability, don't put them in situations of trust.



gorgeous1 -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 10:46:08 AM)

I wouldn't play with anyone who was high to the point of losing dexterity or sound judgment. Hubbie and I used to drink quite a bit, and sometimes his aim would be a bit off...OUCH.



bipolarber -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 10:48:47 AM)

I agree with Domin8ng. I had this problem back in the 90's with a friend of mine who was, unfortunately, hooked on anphetamines. There was nothing I could really do, at least as long as they refused to own up to the problem. Luckily, they got their act together once they realized how much control they'd lost in their life, and checked themselves into rehab. If your friend is addicted, I'd say, keep close tabs on your them, but under no circumstances do anything to support their problem: don't loan them money, don't let them stay with you when you may have to leave the house. Sounds cold, but you have to remember, they aren't in control of themselves anymore.



goodgirl08 -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 11:27:18 AM)

Some people have difficulty drawing the line between what is "healthy" unconventional and what is just outright unstable. I would keep a close eye on them to make sure they're not getting into dangerous situations...God knows that would happen all too easily.



thetammyjo -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 11:34:43 AM)

If someone is unstable it depends a great deal on the type problem they have and their relationship to me.

I've stopped training one young woman who was "dealing" with her past incest by being alcoholic and ending in up in the hospital on two occasions. I told her that when she was in therapy and had a note to prove that, we'd continue. She wasn't my slave so I couldn't demand she get help but I could protect my family and my heart by refusing to train her further.

If I'm in a long term relationship with someone then I can insist they get help but my insistence means nothing unless I am also wiling to walk away from the relationship should they refuse to get help and work on things. I can be all sorts of support when someone is working on themselves but refusal to get help equals ending the relationship as far as I'm concerned. I work on myself so why should I accept less from others?



mistoferin -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 11:44:51 AM)

The best advice I can give you is to simply relate to you my own story. You can take from it what you find useful.

My ex Master and I were together for 11 years. The first 8 of those years were amazing. He was my Master but he was also my lover, my best friend, my whole world. Everything I did, I did with him in mind...from the moment my eyes opened in the mornings until the moment my eyes closed at night. We had an amazing relationship that, quite honestly, I could never possibly begin to find words that would describe the love, the intensity, the passion, the trust and the bond that we established together.

He was a recovering alcoholic when I met him...I knew that up front. He had been sober for some time before we got together and he remained completely sober for those first 8 years. And then it began to unravel. He faced some very heavy problems at work, was dealing with a back injury, had several very close family members pass away in a short period of time...basically he was overwhelmed...and he picked up that drink.

The next three years were a huge struggle. He knew that he had a problem...denial wasn't an issue. Taking the steps that he needed to take was more than he could deal with though. In those last 3 years, no matter what I said, no matter what I did, no matter how supportive, how encouraging I was....none of it was enough....none of it was right. It continued to spiral out of control until it got to the point that I could no longer find in him the man who owned my heart and soul. He became untrustworthy, abusive, sullen, raging, unreliable, impossible to communicate with.

There is no feeling in the world like watching someone you love so dearly standing at the edge of that dark abyss, knowing full well they are going to go over that edge....and there is nothing....absolutely nothing that you can do to stop them. I watched him fall, hitting all of sharp rocks on the way down....and I tried desperately to save him at each level....and repair the damage. But there became a point at which he was pulling me down there with him. Every night he drank started to end in one of two ways....a hospital...or a jail. I began to be thankful for the nights that ended with him in jail.

I had to make a decision....by far the toughest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life. I had to decide to save myself. On one fall morning, after taking out a loan,...after picking him up from jail...after securing him a lawyer to deal with the 7 felony charges he had racked up the night before....after finding him a long term treatment center that would accept him....I sat down beside him and told him that I could do no more...and I folded my hand.



LadyHugs -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 11:50:20 AM)

Dear servilecat, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
First, I would like to say that mental health issues are not always an automatic link with drugs and or alchohol abuse.  It needs to be understood that things aren't always clear and lines are blurred and unless a licensed mental health professional--playing 'doctor' can lead to more trouble.
 
That said, I see those who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking--the person is no longer in control and whom ever you're dealing with, be it Dominant and or submissive--even vanilla; your not dealing with the person; you are dealing with the drugs, alcohol, sex, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding and or whatever.
 
You (in a general sense) will never be able to force someone to change, under the best of circumstances.  A person must be willing to change and or get help as to start change.  But, its also worthy of mention--that people can go through the motions, like we're seeing on TV about Britney Spears--repeated 'rehabilitation' and still acts like she is looking to go suicide by circumstances.  Addicts are great manipulators and liars.  So, they have the con-game down pat. 
 
By any attempts to 'help' or tide them over--it just delays what needs to be done.  If you (in a general sense) feel in your gut and in your fair sense of reasoning and or judgment that a person is unstable--then by all means do not destabilize yourself.  Just encourage the person to get the professional help and get their world in order.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



mistoferin -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 2:18:38 PM)

And there are also some who can go in and out of treatment with all of the best intentions and never seem to find a way to really apply any of it to their life in the long term.



laurell3 -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 2:31:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

Someone asked me this the other day and i think i had too many answers for them but i think fresh possibilities might be in order....
What are some suggestions, keeping in mind the motto of safe, sane and consensual....When someone you are either friends with or involved within the lifestyle in any manner becomes unstable?  This would be either due to mental instablility as well as drug or alcohol abuse.  Be it Dominant or submissive or undecided...They of course refuse help.  Do you run for cover?


If they refuse to get ANY help as in not just my unprofessional advice, but true help for their problem and instability means they are miserable?  Yes, I offer my friendship and suggest they get help but I don't stay "involved" with them.  Friends are a different matter, but again, anyone that's miserable and not trying to make it better can be miserable to be around.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 3:52:44 PM)

I would offer what help I could, but if no improvement were made, they would be removed from my life.



batshalom -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 5:30:26 PM)

I would make it clear that I was here if they needed my support in seeking help, but would otherwise not engage in enabling behaviors.



MissSCD -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 5:41:51 PM)

I am bipolar.  My slave has been my fiance for three years now.  He knows the warning signs of when I am going to have an episode.
Seven weeks ago, he hid the toys. 
Granted I was angry at first, but after I threatened to blow up a building, I decided he did the right thing.
Someone who is abusive with alchol and drug abuse should not be in the lifestyle especially as a Dom/me.

Regards, MissSCD



RRafe -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 7:20:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

Someone asked me this the other day and i think i had too many answers for them but i think fresh possibilities might be in order....
What are some suggestions, keeping in mind the motto of safe, sane and consensual....When someone you are either friends with or involved within the lifestyle in any manner becomes unstable?  This would be either due to mental instablility as well as drug or alcohol abuse.  Be it Dominant or submissive or undecided...They of course refuse help.  Do you run for cover?


Drugs and drama are stated hard limits for me.

So I would not get involved with anyone who did either-breaking those limits would result in being dumped.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/20/2007 7:27:42 PM)

oh oh you are a no go I would tell them see ya by by later gator cause the cops are on your door ya couch  potator  yep yep word :)



LadyHugs -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/21/2007 12:51:38 AM)

Dear mistoferin,
 
So true.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



pinksugarsub -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/21/2007 1:50:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

Someone asked me this the other day and i think i had too many answers for them but i think fresh possibilities might be in order....
What are some suggestions, keeping in mind the motto of safe, sane and consensual....When someone you are either friends with or involved within the lifestyle in any manner becomes unstable?  This would be either due to mental instablility as well as drug or alcohol abuse.  Be it Dominant or submissive or undecided...They of course refuse help.  Do you run for cover?


i had a vanilla girlfriend who completely lost it when her dog died.  i couldn't take her anywhere in public or at work because she kept raising her voice and ranting.  i went with her once to see her therapist and laid out my concerns, but no joy.
 
i let go....and a few years later she reappeared in my life back on track. 
 
i think if S/someone is in distress and refuses or cannot accept help, it is not immoral to withdraw so Y/you are not collateral damage.
 
pinksugarsub



NinjaProphet -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/21/2007 6:37:40 AM)

Run for cover??  Perhaps not. It's difficult to be a good friend or source of support from a great distance. At the same time, some strong limits are called for. If the unstable one decides to ask for help, you want to be close enough to help, but not so close that you get splattered with their shit when they hit the wall.

If their problems feel overwhelming or dangerous to you. Then even more distance is need. I would never play with someone showing signs of major instability.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Instability in the Lifestyle (11/21/2007 7:28:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

Someone asked me this the other day and i think i had too many answers for them but i think fresh possibilities might be in order....
What are some suggestions, keeping in mind the motto of safe, sane and consensual....When someone you are either friends with or involved within the lifestyle in any manner becomes unstable?  This would be either due to mental instablility as well as drug or alcohol abuse.  Be it Dominant or submissive or undecided...They of course refuse help.  Do you run for cover?


I will offer my support and encouragement only if they agree to get help and then do so...otherwise, I remove myself from their life.  My life has had enough drama from other players...I don't need more.  I've stated that I won't be a therapist for my submissive and I will not be a therapist for a friend.

What brought me to this point was my own story;  my parents were functional alcoholics.  Due to some deep problems in their marriage, they began drinking in 1968 when I was 13 and my brother was 12.  Given how things were in those days, no one of an adult status chose to confront them and so my brother and I more or less raised ourselves.  When I left home to enter the service and my brother left home to go to work in the oilfields, neither of us were sure that the day would not come when we would get a call that they had somehow killed themselves or each other.  Surprisingly, they began to straighten up in those years.  They never did reach full sobriety but they did improve to the point where I could at least be in their lives to an extent but always mindful of my own health and sanity.  I know that part of the reason for my occasional restlessness relates to my years of dealing and living with people like this during a time of maturation.  I won't go through it again with a loved one and won't put someone else through it.



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