Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "Dominant"?

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Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "Domi... - 11/18/2007 8:17:19 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Maybe there's a full moon or something but there certainly seems to be a rash of posts from women asking "is this right?" when describing a situation that they should very clearly know is wrong. Why is it that when a man claims to be a "Dominant", claims to be "teaching" you the lifestyle, claims that power exchange relationships mean that you must put up with shit that you would never, ever put up with normally, etc, etc,....women lose their heads and all of their common sense. Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 8:24:53 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Maybe there's a full moon or something but there certainly seems to be a rash of posts from women asking "is this right?" when describing a situation that they should very clearly know is wrong. Why is it that when a man claims to be a "Dominant", claims to be "teaching" you the lifestyle, claims that power exchange relationships mean that you must put up with shit that you would never, ever put up with normally, etc, etc,....women lose their heads and all of their common sense. Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

I'll be honest, sometimes I read what others are asking advice about and I sit there and wish like hell that what they are saying is nothing more than fantasy. It's scary to think that grown ups would allow themselves to act in this manner.

/shakes head in disbelief

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:03:23 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

Grown women really can be that naive unfortunately. I was pretty naive when I first started into bdsm, but luckily I listened to the voice that told me this isn't right on things and started finding and reading any sites I could find to learn all I could, then got books and read them, then found the forums here and started reading threads and that was a real eye opener. Over 2 years ago now, I took the step into local groups and began to socialize, and experience and make friends and through all of that I found reality again step by step and reality is way more than fantasy was for me.

Sometimes I just shake my head at some of the posts asking such questions and I want to scream and say hey.......get in touch with reality and act like the adult you're supposed to be....think! I don't think it'd do much good though on some of them and doing this

gives me a headache so I usually try to resist.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:08:45 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Maybe there's a full moon or something but there certainly seems to be a rash of posts from women asking "is this right?" when describing a situation that they should very clearly know is wrong. Why is it that when a man claims to be a "Dominant", claims to be "teaching" you the lifestyle, claims that power exchange relationships mean that you must put up with shit that you would never, ever put up with normally, etc, etc,....women lose their heads and all of their common sense. Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

Oh, please now. This is the majority of vanilla relationships I've known, in either direction. I'm endlessly amazed at what nonsense people will put up with and what drama they pretend not to be loving, mostly to themselves.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:13:11 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

Women so desperate for a "relationship" that they will do almost anything?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:18:00 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

women lose their heads and all of their common sense

Sorry, I nearly burst out laughing at this snippet. It summed up your post so nicely.

When you come up with the perfect definition of 'common sense', you'll have the answer to your own question.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:36:43 PM

Domisub111

Posts: 14
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I thin women read too deeply and somewhat incorrectly into TPE. It's a dynamic and a game within a relationship, not the entire relationship itself. TPE doesn't happen, it grows. How the exchange plays depends on the relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:41:12 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

We can all be naive at times... I think Castle Realm has had a bad impact in some ways, one of which talks about "releasing" a submissive and how a submissive can "release" herself... all this talk is really not applicable to real life.

I think that people expect that human nature will magically change because they are involved in a dynamic... That just is not so, the problems of lesser mortals still exist in dominants. Often they can overcome them, but I think that many submissives (perhaps even myself at one time) expect dominants to be perfect and if they are not then they tell themselves "This is what dominants do"..

I can tell you that at times I flinch when people talk about "a dom would not do this, and a master will not do that", as if because they have a certain orientation they will magically not have issues that other people have.. like addictions, or mental illness, or other issues... Yes, people with a dominant orientation lie, they womanize, they leave a relationship without a good explanation. Dominants have medical issues, they have family problems.. etc etc etc.

Some of these issues can be worked through, others cannot, just like with vanilla.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:47:24 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Yes, they do, and so do some men. But as someone else has already said, it's not a phenomenon in D/s relationships alone.

Some people are so desperate to be in a relationship, to be with someone, and not to be alone, that they will do amazingly stupid things and put up with more bullshit than they themselves can believe and they are the ones doing it.

I know intelligent and educated women that believe that the reason their boyfriends only come over 1-2 nights a week sometime between 11pm and 3 am and never spend the night is because they are just busy. There are men that wouldn't believe in 100 years that their wives are having affairs with their female friends.

Denial is powerful, it turns otherwise intelligent and sensible people into bumbling idiots. If you want something bad enough, you can deny all of the truths that try to get in your way.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 9:55:52 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

Of course they can, and we as observers into one snapshot of their worlds have no idea what brought them to that place. Nor do we know their potential for getting past that place and rising beyond it.

I have two sisters. One sister and I have the strength to get through just about anything. My other sister does not. She is stressed very easily, and falls apart very easily. I once complained to my "strong" sister about my "weak" sister, feeling frustrated over her constant complaints over her relatively (at the time) easy life. "Strong" sister said, "Rather than be pissed off at her for not being as strong as you, maybe you should just be grateful that you are as strong as you are."

Those words struck me, and I try to remember them when I see someone behaving in a way that baffles me. Just last Friday I asked my doctor, "Shouldn't I be better yet?" I told him I felt pathetic for not having gotten through what's going on with me right now. He said, "Everyone has different abilities. And ability itself is not a bad thing. We're all at different levels. Respect your own level and respect others', too. Stop making comparisons."

Great advice, and I'll heed it in all sorts of circumstances, including when someone is being naive.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 10:18:50 PM

amiciaN

Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

mistoferin--

I will be forever grateful that an experienced submissive woman told me that she wanted to make sure I understood one simple concept, "Submissive, not stupid", even if she had to make a button and pin it to my chest. Not my shirt... my chest! I was smart enough to listen.

Besides-- arguing with an ex-Marine is like mud wrestling with a pig...

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Maybe there's a full moon or something but there certainly seems to be a rash of posts from women asking "is this right?" when describing a situation that they should very clearly know is wrong. Why is it that when a man claims to be a "Dominant", claims to be "teaching" you the lifestyle, claims that power exchange relationships mean that you must put up with shit that you would never, ever put up with normally, etc, etc,....women lose their heads and all of their common sense. Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 10:18:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

There's also a lot of peer pressure in the scene from subs to other subs to be the perfect ideal of sub, so much so that newbies really don't see past it very easily to the lies and crap that it is. There's so many stereotypes and generalities and over romanticism and flat out lies laid out like a golden basket ot fruit- if ONLY you "act right" then you can taste.

It's not excusable in the end of course, but it makes it a lot more understandable for why subs put themselves through so much.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 10:45:18 PM

astarri

Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Maybe there's a full moon or something but there certainly seems to be a rash of posts from women asking "is this right?" when describing a situation that they should very clearly know is wrong. Why is it that when a man claims to be a "Dominant", claims to be "teaching" you the lifestyle, claims that power exchange relationships mean that you must put up with shit that you would never, ever put up with normally, etc, etc,....women lose their heads and all of their common sense. Surely, grown adult women can not be this naive?

you are assuming that they have made good choices in their vanilla relationships. I'm not saying that the D/s part doesn't play into it but some people will bend over and take a whole lot before standing up and that has nothing to do with being sub or slave.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/18/2007 11:35:48 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Agreed, it is not just submissive women, it is women in all walks of life. Even I had that one relationship where I put up with crap, and I am a smart cookie. Someone said denial is powerful; and it is. So is being addicted to someone.

Did you ever read the book, Smart Women, Foolish Choices? You would never have to ask the question if you did. It was not only about relationships, but about money, etc. Anything that basically got ahold of you.

Once you realize it, it no longer has any power over you and your brains come back.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/18/2007 11:37:27 PM >

(in reply to astarri)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 5:12:54 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I think that people expect that human nature will magically change because they are involved in a dynamic... That just is not so, the problems of lesser mortals still exist in dominants. Often they can overcome them, but I think that many submissives (perhaps even myself at one time) expect dominants to be perfect and if they are not then they tell themselves "This is what dominants do"..

I can tell you that at times I flinch when people talk about "a dom would not do this, and a master will not do that", as if because they have a certain orientation they will magically not have issues that other people have.. like addictions, or mental illness, or other issues... Yes, people with a dominant orientation lie, they womanize, they leave a relationship without a good explanation. Dominants have medical issues, they have family problems.. etc etc etc.

This is so important. Of course dominants can do all of these things. I don't understand why there is a tendency to put them all up on a collective pedestal as though somehow their "title" makes them immune from such human failings. Sometimes I think that people find this lifestyle and view it as though it is some sort of Utopia where all of the trappings and injustices of the world cease to exist. I believe that you are right in that it is, at least in part, due to sites like Castle Realm...but those sites can not be wholly responsible for the myths, the perpetuation of them and the naivety.

Somewhere there seems to be a huge disconnect. I often wonder where they get these impressions. Surely they can't have all been to Castle Realm. Surely they can't have all had poor information relayed to them under the guise of "dominance".

Yes, in vanilla relationships women can indeed have issues with defining and enforcing boundaries too, but here it seems that there are additional factors that complicate their ability to do so. Or at least there seems to be a perception that the rules are different here somehow and that the people involved here are somehow different (better)...not that there is any credibility to that.

So how do we dispel those myths? How do we change those perceptions? How do we convey to them that defining and enforcing boundaries is not a contradiction to submission? How do we get them to understand that dominants are still just ordinary men and women who are subject to all of the same frailties and shortcomings?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 5:17:46 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
There's also a lot of peer pressure in the scene from subs to other subs to be the perfect ideal of sub, so much so that newbies really don't see past it very easily to the lies and crap that it is. There's so many stereotypes and generalities and over romanticism and flat out lies laid out like a golden basket ot fruit- if ONLY you "act right" then you can taste.

It's not excusable in the end of course, but it makes it a lot more understandable for why subs put themselves through so much.

I think you are absolutely right LA. As a group, I think that we collectively fail in that area.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 5:25:56 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Men who wouldn't dream of acting like such asses toward the women they know in real life act this way, so if they can be this stupid, the women can be also.

I have decided that you can never go wrong overestimating the stupidity of the human race. Any time a product is brought out called idiot proof, someone becomes a bigger idiot and does manage to fuck it up. So why not relationships also?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 5:36:36 AM

mefisto69

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline

ON YOUR KNEES SLUT ! TREMBLE AND QUAKE IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR ALMIGHTY DOMINATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !

there, that felt good.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 6:00:15 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

It's the same reason some women loose their heads with "cute boys" or when they hear the word "submissive..." I don't know why...it's silly. And it happens. Not the full moon...it happens everyday...they just don't bitch about it as often is all.

(in reply to mefisto69)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you lose your mind when you hear the word "... - 11/19/2007 6:59:28 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Yes, in vanilla relationships women can indeed have issues with defining and enforcing boundaries too, but here it seems that there are additional factors that complicate their ability to do so. Or at least there seems to be a perception that the rules are different here somehow and that the people involved here are somehow different (better)...not that there is any credibility to that.

So how do we dispel those myths? How do we change those perceptions? How do we convey to them that defining and enforcing boundaries is not a contradiction to submission? How do we get them to understand that dominants are still just ordinary men and women who are subject to all of the same frailties and shortcomings?

I took a three hour workshop with the self defense school that my Daddy works for, he wanted me to have the workshop so I would know what he does, but the larger reason is because I was sexually harassed at work and I kinda froze about it and did not know how to respond. I lack boundaries sometimes.. he knows this, and he wants me to become better at setting boundaries... even with him. How can he know I am unhappy unless I tell him? I think that women would value from more classes that taught them how to set boundaries... not just kinky ones, but vanilla ones too.

I believe the submissives that post here are pretty well adjusted ones to be honest Erin, look around at all the threads and the submissives are the first ones that tell troubled women to "grow a set"

. This forum is a mechanism to educate submissives, a powerful one if they choose to avail themselves of it.. there are a lot of us here that live our lives in a submissive way.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

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