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help needed - 11/12/2007 3:54:21 AM   
mart39


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		newbie dom needs help im strugeling with mind control with my sub
any advice anyone please
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:27:28 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		What kind of mind control? What are you hoping to accomplish? Your best aid is going to be experience, but in the meantime we will need more info. Is she balking at your command? Does she have issues? Are you trying to turn her into SuperSub? Make her bark when you give her a hand gesture? What?

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:50:48 AM   
mart39


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		yes she has issues she loves pain and will disobay  a lot of the time just to get punnished, so at the moment im strugeling  and im a newbie

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:54:47 AM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		Just my opinion here but, if she is disobeying in order to *make* you punish her then she is actually manipulating you.  She has you mastered!

Try a form of actual punishment, while explaining to her that you will not tolerate such behavior, during that punishment.  If she's wanting a spanking, instead- make her write 3 pages of somethings in total silence.

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:58:09 AM   
mart39


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		thankyou mamadomme for the advice she loves spanking

(in reply to MamaDomme)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 5:01:58 AM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		np

Just remember-- don't give in to a spoiled child's temper tantrums-- pu them in the corner instead.

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 5:14:39 AM   
CyanideLady


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline 		One of the biggest mistakes I've seen with new Doms and subs is that they think the only reason to give a beating/spanking/caning/etc. is as a punishment.

I have never spanked a person who enjoyed spanking to punish them.  spanking is a fun time activity for that person, as humiliation is a fun tiem activity for a humilaition slut.

Find what they do not enjoy and use that as punishment while conveying your disappointment.

Also, you should engage in the enjoyed activities as rewards.

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 5:16:56 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		If you really want to get into mind games with her. Marry her.

(in reply to CyanideLady)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 5:30:26 AM   
mart39


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		thanks for the advice cyanidelady

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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 9:05:43 AM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mart39

newbie dom needs help im strugeling with mind control with my sub
any advice anyone please


I agree with all advice given so far.  She is behaving like what some refer to as a SAM.  (smart ass masochist) 
 
She is misbehaving to get what she wants from you.
 
So, as the previous posters have said, just stop giving her what she wants when she misbehaves. 
 
If she loves to be spanked, then use the spanking as a rewared for GOOD behavior.
 
Tell her this is what you are doing.  Make it clear that you will not allow her to manipulate and control you.
 
Good luck.  <smile>

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 9:20:07 AM   
ItzKat


Posts: 86
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		Just to bring up a small point to motivation... if you are new to playing with each other she may not be so much a SAM but just testing your response and her boundries.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing... it is part of the getting to know you process. 

Regardless, you should respond as suggested above.  Not to reward her for her bad behavior, but really punish her with something she doesn't like, and reward her for what she does. 

_____________________________

~Kat

That which does not kill us... can really mess up our hair!

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 10:04:11 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If the only way she can get her need for pain met is to disobey, you need to change this. You can tell her to ask for a spanking or play, and then give it to her so she can get her need met in a more straightforward way, or you can tell her that she will get play as a reward for good behavior. And then follow up on it.

Here, he prefers I ask because sometimes I may need it but not have done anything substantial enough to earn it as a reward. Being able to come to him and tell him I'm feeling overstressed, and I need to be bound and used, and have him do so leaves me feeling better and reaffirms my commitment to him simply because he took the time and trouble to do so.

But if she needs play once a week, and you only offer it once a month, then she will seek to get her needs met even through negative behavior. Remember, bad breath is better than no breath at all!

Talk to her. Does she need play at the end of a tough work week? After interacting with her family? Is she doing this to deliberately upset you? Does she view this as playful but you view it as disrespectful? You need to learn a lot more about her than you have as of yet. Communicate. Because if her needs aren't met, she won't stay.

(in reply to ItzKat)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 10:14:14 AM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mart39

thankyou mamadomme for the advice she loves spanking


As a rule of thumb, i dont go by  what one would consider to be a normal punishment. Punishments are tailored to both the sub and the situation. 

Make a list of what she don't  like and how much she dislikes each thing on the list. The worse the offense the greater the punishment( the more she dislikes it)
If she likes spankings etc.  these are rewards to her.  Make them rewards.



_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to mart39)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 1:00:56 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

If you really want to get into mind games with her. Marry her.



worse...if you really want to punish her marry her
and then get a sub

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 1:54:29 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You don't think she's been punished enough for picking someone who thinks it's better to solicite strangers for information instead of talking (and listening) to her?

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 3:18:33 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline 		Perhaps it's not just the act of spanking she wants but the feeling of being punished?  I know that I sometimes get in moods where I want to be disobedient and be punished...I really don't mean for it to be disrespectful toward my Master but I need to feel his control over me.  It's not the same if I were simply to beg him to beat me...I want to be *forced* into something.

I think communication is the key here...talk to her and find out why she's doing this.  Is it the spanking she likes?  Would she be happy if you spanked her once a day, at the end of the day, as a reward for her good behavior?  Or is she doing it because she wants you to keep her in line?  If it's the latter you need to decide if either you can live with it or she can live without it...and if you do want to incorporate it into your relationship (rape play, kidnapping and torture, etc.) then you need to get to know each other's signals and communicate clearly.  She needs to be able to tell if you're in the mood to force her or if you just want her to obey and be good, and you need to be able to tell if she is saying no because she wants to be forced, or if she really means no.  A safeword might help but I personally don't use safewords in relationships - whether you decide to implement one is up to you.

I suggest that one night, before you play or anything, you just sit down and discuss these things.  Communication is a huge part of a D/s relationship.  I wish the two of you the best of luck

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:06:28 PM   
nyrisa


Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

You don't think she's been punished enough for picking someone who thinks it's better to solicite strangers for information instead of talking (and listening) to her?



We all start out as newbies. If she is a newbie also, discussing punishment or behavior modification strategies with her (solely) might end up as a good instance of the blind leading the blind. I have very often seen good advice offered in these forums. I have seen some really bad advice offered, too, but hopefully the readers are capable of filtering the wheat from the chaff. I have learned a lot from just listening in on posts. I hope we won't make people feel hesitant to ask honest questions because they are afraid they will be ridiculed.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:17:20 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I've always found that a turban and a crystal ball help to focus my brainwaves so I can influence anothers mind.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to nyrisa)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:22:34 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mart39

newbie dom needs help im strugeling with mind control with my sub
any advice anyone please


i applaud you for admiting that you are new to all this

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to mart39)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: help needed - 11/12/2007 4:23:01 PM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItzKat

Just to bring up a small point to motivation... if you are new to playing with each other she may not be so much a SAM but just testing your response and her boundries.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing... it is part of the getting to know you process. 

Regardless, you should respond as suggested above.  Not to reward her for her bad behavior, but really punish her with something she doesn't like, and reward her for what she does. 


If memories serve me, in terms of Yoga philosophy, the feminine will often test the masculine, you know, poke the soft spots to see how the masculine will react. If the masculine reacts poorly, then the feminine will see that as weakness, or a lack of integrity. The usual response is to react with good humor, showing strength in spite of being 'poked'. :)

I agree with the others, with perhaps a little twist from my playbook. If it's not working, change the rules. Dom's don't HAVE to be fair, just rational. :)

At the risk of repeating all the good advice here, and sounding like a know-it-all...

If pain is desired, yet punishment is warrented, you could:
1. Deliver the pain, but skip the warm up.
2. Deliver the pain, but provide a different flavor. (Meaning: If spankings are desired, have her sit or lay on a bit of carpet runner with the traction spikes turned up, or even standing on it.)

Over all, change the rules so that you remain in charge.

_____________________________

Thou art fertile ground and I will plant a garden in thee.

(in reply to ItzKat)
Profile   Post #: 20
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