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How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 4:49:44 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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i will admit from the start that i've been considering posting this question, issue, or dilemma previously however have always stopped myself. The reason being i just did not feel like i was willing to deal with the repercussions of putting this out there for everyone to see... However, recently i've decided to say screw it...So, here goes...

i've been involved with a man i met from this site for the last 3 months in real life, prior to that we were speaking on line and via the telephone for about a month. He's awesome, he's a wonderful Master, great human being, i honestly have no complaints about Him..........However, then there's me........ Recently i've become aware at how 'brainwashed' i was when i was growing up and stuff. Apparently, i'm not nearly as ugly, repulsive, or scary looking as i believe myself to be. i feel utterly and completely hopeless about this issue.....
Before anyone jumps the bandwagon here, i should probably tell You all a few things: Yes, He knows everything i'm thinking and feeling about this issue, we frankly talk about it at length. Yes, i'm continuing to do therapy. Yes, well..........i don't know what else...but damn!!!
My question is: does anyone have any experience in overcoming issues related to self esteem, contradicting the voices in Your head, or being able to successfully challenge the beliefs You hold about Yourself? Any thoughts, experience, suggestions, or advice are welcome.
Thanks,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

Post #: 1

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 4:55:55 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I have those voices in my head. I know logically I am not hard on the eyes, yet I never have felt quite "good enough". It does not matter how many times I get told that I am attractive by many different people, it still doesn't feel real to me often. I get rather shocked when people approach me and compliment my hair, figure, eyes or whatever.

Daddy says I a hottie, and I guess that is all that should matter to me, because I work out very hard to be more fit and awesome for him... but I have at times thought about getting botox because of my insecurities... even though my Dom does not think it is wise to kill my face

Edited to add the part I really wanted to say...

Everyone is deserving of love and to feel good about themselves, even people that are not "beautiful".. being beautiful does not make one more lovable... and that is what I tell myself when I feel insecure

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/11/2007 4:57:24 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 2

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:02:09 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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There are a myriad of different ways. One thing that I find very powerful is self-affirmations and saying what I am grateful for in my life. The focus on gratitude helps me find a positive perspective.

We have an affirmation that he and I do together. If I am feeling unworthy and insecure, he will ask me what my truth is. Then I have an affirmation that I repeat back to him. For awhile I cried through it and didn't really believe. Lately, it just brings me peace, makes me smile and brings happy tears to my eyes.

For me, "I am" is an extremely powerful phrase. It has the ability to drive my perspective of reality. I try to make sure what comes after "I am" is positive and what I wish to be.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 3

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:04:31 PM

chellekitty

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Joined: 3/27/2005
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the best thing i have ever done for my self image was cognative behavioral therapy...which is basically identifying false thoughts and replacing them with true ones...and sometimes other people have no idea what is going on when i say outloud "shut up brain, thats not true" but it helps me, so screw them...(i had to apply it when writing that sentence...i wanted to say that people think i am crazy...but i don't know that all people think i am crazy...its false thinking...) there is a bit more to it...and it takes some training to get your brain to do it...i did 8 weeks of group therapy about 8 years ago and i have been doing it on my own since then...i don't do it perfectly...but when i recognize that something is a false thought, i imediately start looking for the true thought....

feelings are not logical, so true and false do not apply here...lol...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 4

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:06:01 PM

YourHypnoMaster

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Joined: 5/5/2007
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I've heard plenty of hypnotists helping with this, and at least for a while they come out of trance, they look in the mirror, and start posing for a while, going "God I look great."

I do believe hypnosis could help, and any female who would like to ask about this may do so with me.

Any female who would like to do an online session must talk with me for at least one conversation first normally, and have a mic or cam or willingness to phone chat so I can be sure the subject's really in trance (note that I put phone as the last option here, because I understand that can be questionable).

Enough shameless promotion, though, I do honestly feel hypnosis can help with this issue to an extent, or at least find where the problem lies. Whether you choose to listen to this advice or not, I wish you luck in proving to yourself that you are worth glances, looks, etc. from passers-by

_____________________________

You enjoy being hypnotized, your hypnosis arouses you...
In fact, your arousal hypnotizes you further...
Your hypnosis arouses you...
Your arousal hypnotizes you...
Around and around like a swirling spiral...
You can see the spiral now, I bet..

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:06:52 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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chelle,

Have you read the book "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda"? My therapist gave me that as homework the first time we met. CBT was a life-saver for me.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 6

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:25:51 PM

ExpressiveSoul1

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/22/2007
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As I was reading the original post my first thought was cognative behavioral therapy and then I read a couple other posts that echoed my own thoughts. Challenging your false thoughts is hard work but it is extremely effective. I too went to group and individual therapy to overcome my issues. Affirmations and gratitude are also positive areas to focus to marry in with challenging the false and destructive thoughts.

I wish you well in this process and I have faith that you will be able change your perception.

Take care,
Christina

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 5:52:28 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

chelle,

Have you read the book "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda"? My therapist gave me that as homework the first time we met. CBT was a life-saver for me.

Knight's Kyra

have not read that one, i will have to look it up..... CBT was a life-saver for you, huh? does Knight know about this...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 6:52:38 PM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

There are a myriad of different ways. One thing that I find very powerful is self-affirmations and saying what I am grateful for in my life. The focus on gratitude helps me find a positive perspective.

We have an affirmation that he and I do together. If I am feeling unworthy and insecure, he will ask me what my truth is. Then I have an affirmation that I repeat back to him. For awhile I cried through it and didn't really believe. Lately, it just brings me peace, makes me smile and brings happy tears to my eyes.

For me, "I am" is an extremely powerful phrase. It has the ability to drive my perspective of reality. I try to make sure what comes after "I am" is positive and what I wish to be.

Knight's Kyra

Kyra
what a wonderful post.. affirmations can be very powerful...."an affirmation we do together" < what a wonderful idea.. : )

Kalista
glad you found the courage to say what the heck, and to post : )

what finally helped me was a combination of things..
some of it was age...getting to around 40 and then 45 and now 50> things within me just changed...perspective on life/living and on myself and what beauty is, changed and evolved....I think with age comes a certain amt of "coming into ones-self"..

I learned acceptance and an inner-peace through joining several womens support groups and talking these feelings out and listening to others talk about theirs and themselves.

another thing that helped was daily affirmations.
and the DESIRE to love myself and see myself and my body image differently. it was a conscious effort and decision to develope self-love.

the main source of strength and focus I found was through Master....his vision of me....how he saw me....
he sees my beauty and strength..
At first > I had to "just accept and obey" ...
I was ( am) not allowed to say anything derogitory about myself.. it was in its own way "behavior modification" as others have mentioned.......... Some of the most difficult assignments he gave me were to write about my feelings, thoughts and how I saw myself. But they were also very effective. For some it is journally...for me it was poetry. I found writing cathartic and enabled me to embrace so much more of my own secret desires and even insecurities. ......Eventually, through a combination of all of the above, I went from acceptance and the desire to feel > to actually feeling I am worthy, strong and beautiful.

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 6:58:34 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
CBT was a life-saver for you, huh? does Knight know about this...

*g* Well, as long as the T only stands for Torment and not Torture, he is quite pleased with the results. Otherwise the CB better belong to someone else!!

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 10

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 7:43:39 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Yep. I'll share some of the wisdom shared with me:

When faced with a crisis of identity or of the soul or whatever, ask yourself three questions:

1) Who are you?
2) What do you want?
3) What are you willing to pay to get it?

If you want to feel you are beautiful, are you willing to give up your beliefs that you are ugly as payment? Same holds true for being of value, having boundaries, etc. etc. That advice contiues to change my life.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 11

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 7:46:12 PM

MidnightMaiden

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Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

He pulls me in close to him, holds my chin and raises my face to make sure we have eye contact. Slowly and softly he says "Sassi, listen to your Master and know what I say to you is true. You are an incredible, not just the slave I see before me, but the woman that you are, you are beautiful and intelligent, and nobody in this world has a right to tell you differently, not even you, do you understand."

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 8:37:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Add my few sense to this clearly esteemed and well voiced group of peeps who obviously work hard to be aware and grow into who they want to be- learn to laugh at yourself and be ok with being fucked up. Almost everyone is in some way.

Once you laugh at being fucked up, I find it's a lot easier to see the path to being not so fucked up, or how to work better as a fucked up person.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)

Post #: 13

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 10:09:16 PM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

Greetings
I had a similar conversation with My woman just this weekend and at times past. Neither of us think of ourselves as all that special or pretty/handsome, or what have you from a self perception point of view. That being said, I told her that the one opinion of how she is in physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of her person that matters is mine. I think that she is the absolutely knockout female to end all females. She understands about 90 % of Me, and what she does not know she asks about. I do the same thing. I am guessing she at least finds Me passable for she has visited 4 times and is moving here in about 3 weeks or so.
With all the above in mind, what matters is how your partner thinks of you, AS WELL AS, how you view yourself. If your SO finds you to be the best damn thing for them then simply you are. When you think the same of your SO, well then I guess the match is made and will be a lasting all around relationship. A relationship based on communication, honesty, love, understanding, play, sex (of course silly), discussions, outings, and all the other things which are part of a relationship (to My mind).

Editted for clarity in one line.

< Message edited by rmanrr -- 11/11/2007 10:11:31 PM >

_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)

Post #: 14

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 10:33:16 PM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Yes, I used to be fraught with contradicting voices in my head. I called them my demons. They almost destroyed my relationship with my Master. They made me crazy with doubt, suspicion, fear, and lack of self confidence. But those mental demons are lies. I had to ask myself, do I trust my Master, or do I trust my lying demons, that have been proven as liars over and over again?

My last "demon attack" was a year ago on Halloween. I called my cousin, frantic because I was really messing things up again as a result. She said, "It's Halloween, so the demons are out. But demons are lies, and tomorrow they will be gone. Do not invite them back."

Since then I would tell my Master every time they'd start lurking. We'd have a lot of conversation, and I would have writing assignments geared to force me to think about myself and my slavery. I came to realize the demons were my fear, and I chose to not live in fear anymore.

As for my self esteem and self confidence, my Master is a difficult man to please, in that he sets the bar very high - high enough for me to have to work very hard to reach, while still being capable of reaching it. Every time I reach it, he raises it. Every time I reach the bar, I see his pride and feel my own. It's funny now that I look back because I think that first bar which seemed so high at the time is about ankle level now :)

All this took a lot of time and a lot of patience. As long as I showed the will and drive to get over myself and please him, he would forgive me the problems I would create (while still addressing them quite affectively). All the while I felt his care for me which helped me realize the lying demons were in fact liars. And if someone like him could care for someone like me, then maybe "someone like me" really wasn't the unloveable person I once thought I was.

I wish you well with this. It can be a hell of a lot of work to "get over yourself" but oh so rewarding when you do :)

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 15

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 10:42:39 PM

BitchGoddessD

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

I thank the day I realised that as I don't find everyone physically attractive so too am I not physically attractive to everyone. Big deal. It's a fact of life not worth worrying about. Physical is only one part of the equation and not the most important. Just accept yourself and celebrate life.

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

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Post #: 16

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 10:53:47 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i will admit from the start that i've been considering posting this question, issue, or dilemma previously however have always stopped myself. The reason being i just did not feel like i was willing to deal with the repercussions of putting this out there for everyone to see... However, recently i've decided to say screw it...So, here goes...

i've been involved with a man i met from this site for the last 3 months in real life, prior to that we were speaking on line and via the telephone for about a month. He's awesome, he's a wonderful Master, great human being, i honestly have no complaints about Him..........However, then there's me........ Recently i've become aware at how 'brainwashed' i was when i was growing up and stuff. Apparently, i'm not nearly as ugly, repulsive, or scary looking as i believe myself to be. i feel utterly and completely hopeless about this issue.....
Before anyone jumps the bandwagon here, i should probably tell You all a few things: Yes, He knows everything i'm thinking and feeling about this issue, we frankly talk about it at length. Yes, i'm continuing to do therapy. Yes, well..........i don't know what else...but damn!!!
My question is: does anyone have any experience in overcoming issues related to self esteem, contradicting the voices in Your head, or being able to successfully challenge the beliefs You hold about Yourself? Any thoughts, experience, suggestions, or advice are welcome.
Thanks,
Kali

yes, send me an email on the other side if you want.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 17

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/11/2007 11:39:20 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I have used a technique where I make them say "I look good in this dress" or "I am a pretty girl" the point is to find something that resonates with the person, especially the things they can't even bring themselves to utter aloud. If it is really hard for them, I let them whisper it in my ear. I work on the, at some point saying "I don't hear you believing it, say it with feeling". Took a couple of years with my ex but it changed her at a core level.

I have changed a great deal but remember, doing things like the above is going after symptoms, I have to find the root reason for something, some childhood issue/scar/whatever. Knowing that, I can really work on the issue.

And cut yourself a bit of slack. We all suffer from insecurity, there are things that trigger mine pretty hard, not as many as there used to be but it still happens. Remember too, it is easy to feel secure if you don't think much of your partner, find someone you think is amazing as you have and that ups the stakes in your mind. BSB doesn't mean to but I have had some hard core fits of insecurity with her for that reason. What makes a HUGE difference is that her and I talk, not just exchange words but we share deeply about our fears, our insecurities with each other AND we take care of the other when they are being vulnerable. I have finally learned to ask for what I need around the things that drive my insecurities. It is scary to ask for those things so having a partner who makes you feel safe to discuss those things can be an amazing help.

Lastly, watch and see how he looks at you and try and imagine how HE sees you, not what you think he sees. I bet he sees someone who makes his heart sing and his mind race....

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 18

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 1:16:15 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

FR~~
My Master has and is changing my perception of me. He sees in me something i didn't know was there. We truly breatheasone because we are one. My Master has said He feels it, I know I do.
When we kiss sometimes He will breathe in to my lungs. I breathe Him in. I taste Him, smell Him. Then I breath out into His lungs. He breathes me in....We do this 3 times. Then while our lips are still touching we will look into each others eyes. I see true love there...peace there... We breathe as one, because we are one. Master shows me this in word and deed daily....how can I not feel beautiful after that?

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 19

RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 3:59:47 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is: does anyone have any experience in overcoming issues related to self esteem, contradicting the voices in Your head, or being able to successfully challenge the beliefs You hold about Yourself? Any thoughts, experience, suggestions, or advice are welcome.

Key kali. The way I overcame it was through experience. You can tell yourself all day long that you are wonderful, your therapist can toss out those questions that make you know, intellectually, that you are wonderful; but for me, knowing is nothing like feeling it.

What I have to do is turn my head totally off and accept what my Dom is telling me with his words and actions. It takes practice, you will have your share of backward days, you will still experience feeling ugly and gross, but the more your Dom shows you how beautiful you are, the easier it is to believe it and the more often you will believe it (because you will feel it).

Your DOM is telling you that you are beautiful. He is the DOM so listen to him, even when you feel fat and worthless and stupid. ~grinning~ Don't negate his authority by arguing with him about it. He likes what he finds in you, he expresses it, and so not believing him is effectively saying the power is yours and not his. Act "as if" until you feel it - it's all a matter of practice.

It is amazing to me how well this works (for me). I wish you well and I hope you find out how truly beautiful you are. ~smiling~

< Message edited by batshalom -- 11/12/2007 4:03:20 AM >

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 20

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