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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 4:31:53 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

Your DOM is telling you that you are beautiful. He is the DOM so listen to him, even when you feel fat and worthless and stupid. ~grinning~ Don't negate his authority by arguing with him about it. He likes what he finds in you, he expresses it, and so not believing him is effectively saying the power is yours and not his. Act "as if" until you feel it - it's all a matter of practice.

 
For me personally believing something because Sir say's so isn't enough. I also want to believe deep down, and from noone telling me that i am beautiful. It's ok saying 'Sir thinks i am beautiful so therefore i am' but the best thing is being able to say 'i think i'm beautiful so therefore i am'.
What works for me is looking in the mirror and saying 'ok what do i like about the way i look?' Finding what i like and making the best of it, making those bits shine through. It doesn't have to be appearance wise either. It may be my sense of humour, intelligence etc etc etc.
I don't believe anyone is ever going to be 100% happy about everything in themselves, but we can make the best and feel our best possible. Learning to love myself is far more important to me than learning to love myself because someone else tells me to.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 5:12:42 AM   
MsPleasure


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/1/2007
Status: offline 		Decide how you want to live your life and get rid of all negative thoughts.  Talk it out...you must hear it coming from yourself.   I would have never thought in a million years I'd be taking pictures or into bdsm.  But I decided I wanted to try it and moved forward.  Really thats the approach in anything we want to try.  You have already started the process keep moving forward.

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 5:33:40 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		When I get the bouts of insecurities I try to stay focused on things that are positive and to keep my mind busy. Keeping my head focused on goals, on tasks on priorities and always moving forward is the very best way I've found to avoid falling into the quagmire of self-doubt. If I keep my mind busy thinking of all the things I need to do, I just don't have time to beat up on myself.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 5:47:44 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		another thing is, is that my need to obey my Dominant/Master/Owner/Person i choose to give authority in my life is so strong and overwhelming that to argue with them and to call them a liar by denying what they say is true, that it destroys me...don't get me wrong...i will try to tell them why it's not true...but it is with the intent of them telling me why it is true..."i want to believe you, but my past expeirence has told me it is not true and this is why....please tell me you are not lying to me and why"....and if their imediate reaction is always "because i said so" then they are not the person for me...there are times when it is appropriate, probably because i asked at an inappropriate time...but with the way my mind works, i do need it explained...just once...but i will hold on to it...lol...it can be a double edged sword at times, when you replace one line of thinking with another...

chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 6:00:41 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Please don't think i mean this in an attacking way in any shape or form chelle but i am always concerned when i see statements like your's.
Noone can validate you, but you. It doesn't matter who tells you, you are beautiful (for example) and why, if you don't believe it deep down then it's pointless.
What happens when your Dom is no longer there to validate you?

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 7:31:25 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i have been unowned for the past 4 years...i have grown immeasurably...i am not the same person i was now that i was then...so what happens when my Dom is no longer around? i suppose i will continue growing, just as i have the past 4 years...all by myself...i have become beautiful (without changing a thing physically), confident, grown a backbone, set up boundaries, gotten clean, developed coping skills, and so on and so forth, without being owned...i am now a person that has power to exchange...the incident i was refering to was actually in reference to my nature as an s-type...to whether i needed to be owned again....and i do...
don't worry, i've got a handle on things....
thanks
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to missturbation)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 7:43:16 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		From another, similar thread:

Often the beauty question obscures the real issue, and that is perspective. A person can look at themselves and totally ignore a whole side of themselves and completely overemphasize another part. You see this quite clearly in anorexics where, not matter how slight their real body fat is, to them it’s an overwhelming mountain of ugly blubber. Anorexics do not corner the market on doing this, many people harbor varying degrees of obsessive perspective, and in general, other people have little impact in affecting such an outlook. About the best someone can do is help them see there are other things about them than the negative perspective, that their fat/bad teeth/whatever doesn’t define all of who they are. But mainly it takes the person themselves to see it, to realize there is much more to them than this one aspect of their life. It also takes a change in definition, for anorexics, their definition of beauty is being thin. By changing their definition, they start changing their perspective, and vice versa.

People tend to make things more complicated than they have to. If you change your definition, you change your perspective, and start looking at and for those other things. If you have a snaggle tooth, maybe you have great calves or have a delicate feminine snort when you laugh or something else. Or if you overemphasize physical traits, start emphasizing personality, emotional, spiritual or other traits. After all, sometimes... maybe many times... physical beauty can be a hinderance instead of an asset.

In the end, gravity and time have the final say on your body, but your mind and spirit cannot be touched.

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 2:28:03 PM   
dawntreader


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Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

People tend to make things more complicated than they have to. If you change your definition, you change your perspective, and start looking at and for those other things. If you have a snaggle tooth, maybe you have great calves or have a delicate feminine snort when you laugh or something else. Or if you overemphasize physical traits, start emphasizing personality, emotional, spiritual or other traits. After all, sometimes... maybe many times... physical beauty can be a hinderance instead of an asset.

In the end, gravity and time have the final say on your body, but your mind and spirit cannot be touched.


Greetings Vanatru,
i hope you don't mind if i just pull out the segment of your quote i wish to emphasize...the whole post was on spot truly but this part spoke to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
My question is: does anyone have any experience in overcoming issues related to self esteem, contradicting the voices in Your head, or being able to successfully challenge the beliefs You hold about Yourself?

Greetings Kalista07,
The solutution is very simple but very hard to do...take your ego out of the equation. Find your physical beauty in the eyes of others - not your own reflection...how narcacissitic a society have we become that we feel a person has  self-esteem issues if they do not find themselves physically beautiful? Find your value in what you are to others and take care of yourself so you can serve them.
 
And if you have no self confidence because you have low self esteem because you do not see a beautiful woman in your mirror - realise you may never see her. When you truly accept the reflection of yourself thru your eyes - you can finally decide who's opinion you want to go with - the ones that find you attractive or yourself, who does not. It is always about choice~
 
i do not have time for low self esteem...not anymore. It takes me out of the game, fills me with negative energy, and personally - i think it is selfish and rude to those that think highly of me.
 
i do not need to find myself physically beautiful to be happy. i do not need to be in love with the image in the mirror. What i see there is not what others see and never will be...it does not have to be. If a Dominant finds me attractive, then i am. Plenty of Dominants have not, and to them i am not attractive. i do not need to be attractive to me because i do not spend my day in the mirror looking at myself - i am out there living this life.
 
What i DO find beautiful is my spirit, and MOST of the spirits i come in contact with are beautiful as well. The body is a temple. It holds our spirit and we have a responsiblity to care for that which cares for us. i appreciate the temple that holds my spirit, so i care for it with exercise, good nutrition, good hygiene and massage.
 
When i think of attractiveness in others, i look at it more as personal preference as opposed to ugly or beautiful. The men i find attractive most likely will not be found in GQ, even though i like the guys in there too :-)
 
Truly, the whole issue is about ego. When you take yourself out of the focus it may help you see yourself thru the eyes of others and value yourself on your actions and not your reflection~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Vanatru)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 2:34:53 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		um you do not change my perception. I ll change yours :)

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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 5:59:05 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i just wanted to quickly thank everyone for their kind and heartfelt responses.....i must admit that this morning when i got up i tried the whole looking in the mirror thing......Yeah.....Anyway...he he he they say it's progress not perfection, right?
Thanks again,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 6:21:17 PM   
Kaiynasha


Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		You could always try a cognitive behavioral method called Act, Feel, Think.

For example you want to stop eating cupcakes.

Act-  So you eat less cake or find something else to do.
Feel- You do something to help you feel more confident, positive, and less afraid. Therefore you don't get anxious.
Think- Learn new ways on how to deal with your anxieties or thoughts.

You can learn to use cognitive restructuring:
You may wish to start making positive self-statements and then reinforcing those self- statements. You do so by give yourself or have someone give you homework assignment to keep you consistent and following-up  To make you feel more confident.


(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/12/2007 6:51:18 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		I grew up in a family who was controlled and dominated by men.  I loved my grandfather and father, but they had this perception that they were perfect and everyone else was nuts.
There was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse.  I was called fat a lot.  Being yelled and cursed at also caused me to have very poor self esteem.
Then my marriage resulted in the same way.  It seems I am attracted to dominating men.
How did I overcome it?   I went through some serious counseling.  This feeling of low self-esteme is very dangerous.  You are probably a beautiful person on the outside and inside, but are unable to see it. 
I am finally at peace with myself.  Don't wait a moment.  Get you an appointment with your Community Ministry counselors, and they will be able to help you based on income.
 
Regards, MissSCD

< Message edited by MissSCD -- 11/12/2007 6:53:17 PM >

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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/13/2007 4:58:24 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		how do you change your perception.....

i'm 44 and still struggling with it.  i think what messes with me the most is "hearing" all the old tapes playing in my head.

you're fat
your're ugly
you're stupid
you're worthless
no one else will ever want you
you deserve (whatever ugly behavior is happening to me)

and i get stuck in that rut again.  i look at my 25 year old daughter, and i can see that she is a BEAUTIFUL young woman.  she's confident, she can speak her mind, she has that innate quality that makes people around her jump to please her.  i can see those things in her....

the thing is, she looks EXACTLY like me, albeit her hair is darker and curlier.  and i cant see that i may be just as lovely as she is.  i can see we look alike, but not what i look like.

Daddy keeps telling me that i'm beautiful.  other people tell me that too.  but i still see the hideous person that i was told from childhood that i was.  my mama still cries when we've talked about this...and wont speak to my father for days after, because he was the basis of 90% of those tapes.

kitten, thoughtfully.

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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/13/2007 12:22:19 PM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I agree that positive affirmations do wonders to change  the negative perceptions we can have on ourselves.  I was also one who was never encouraged to value anything about myself as a young person.  Even though at times i still tend to call "bullshit" if i think one is too grandiose with their compliments, i have learned to appreciate that i am attractive and to let my self perception be influenced, though not totally reliant. on how others see me.

I once suggested to an adorable friend who has very low self esteem  to stop herself every time she said something negative about herself and list 5 things she liked about herself...or that she found attractive about herself, it's not a cure all, but it helps diffuse the negative train of thought.

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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/13/2007 5:57:42 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I have a mild case of dysmorphia myself. A skewed perception of ones self. Some people have it to the extreme. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder
I think you can gain acceptance of what you feel are your flaws. Takes time but doable.

(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/13/2007 6:22:59 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

My question is: does anyone have any experience in overcoming issues related to self esteem, contradicting the voices in Your head, or being able to successfully challenge the beliefs You hold about Yourself? Any thoughts, experience, suggestions, or advice are welcome.
Thanks,
Kali


Hi Kali,
 
I'm Steel. I'm Fat, Opinionated, Insecure, have an Issue with my Penis Size, Think people are always making fun of me, Wonder why my wife/slave finds me sexy, and F.I.N.E. (F'ed Up, Insecure, Nuerotic, and Emotional).
 
These are things I battle EVERY day, some days are better than others, some days are worse. It's called the Human Condition in the Post Modern Primitive Social Class.
 
So how do I deal with it?
 
Every morning after I shower, Shite, and Shave. I look myself in the mirror and I say "You are a Sexy Bitch!!!" I have done this every day for 15 years and you know what? I am a Sexy Bitch, my wife thinks so and my UM loves me and knowing that I love me too makes it all seem true.
 
YES some days it is harder than others especially when someone makes a comment or a joke at your expense, but tomorrow is another day. Start again.
 
Is this going to make everything better? NOPE cause nothing will, it will be a process you deal with for the rest of your life. But it makes living that life easier.
 
Try going to a CoDA meeting look it up in your area, I am NOT saying you are Co Dependent but many self essteem issues are brought up there and you can get a support group for when you feel not so sexy.
 
Hope that helps if you are interested in CoDA contact me on the other side.
 
As Always
 
Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 36
Change a'comin'. - 11/13/2007 11:22:26 PM   
ThomasMore


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		We went to the Moon, for Cliff's sake!  That one couldn't literally change one's mind is absolutely baffling in this age of the self-made individual.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/13/2007 11:39:09 PM   
destiny1ofone


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		Reading your words struck a cord with this girl. It's difficult to climb out from under the piles of stuff placed upon us as children and also as adults. It has been this girls experience that the best thing to do to alter ones perception of self is to change ones behavior.

If the voices in your head say you're not so smart...take a class....do your best and show yourself how smart you really are.

If the voices say you're not pretty....take a long look in the mirror....see how soft your lips are...or how your eyes are wide with curiousity....ever notice that subtle angle of your chin before?

Actions speak louder than words. Take a good hard look at yourself from a fresh viewpoint. Figure out the good things about who you are. Self talk is amazing.

< Message edited by destiny1ofone -- 11/13/2007 11:44:53 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How do You change Your perception? - 11/14/2007 7:39:48 AM   
pseudopsychotic


Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		 Changing your perception is actually the best way to go about it.
Because really? It doesnt matter what other people say...Because you dont have to be around them 24/7.

I used to be a cutter and had to change the way I cope with stuff via changing my perception.
Now I've never had any self esteem issues..I'm actually on the verity that I'm a pretty cool person and I actually like who I am.
But anyways, it starts small...and I believe you have both feet in the right direction.
You realized that you have worth, you realized that you have to change your way of thinking.
Good for you.

Start by doing things that will make yourself feel good about the person you are. (Out side of the stuff you do for your Dom, though it helps too I'm sure.)
And it sounds like you have a pretty good support group (being your Dom) so that's a plus as well.
That's all I have for now.
Its lame, but I hope it helps.

_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

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Profile   Post #: 39
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