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Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 6:47:47 PM

Idowhatyousay

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline

This topic is related to my other topic (about the reality of "relocating.") but it's got a different twist.

I am curious to speak with, and learn from, people who have been able to fully, or at least to some satisfactory degree, lived their BDSM lifestyle right under the noses of parents, siblings, etc.

I'm not referring to just a kinky handcuffs-and-blindfolds situation. I speak of submission, slavery, stuff like that. Like losing control to someone, while dancing around the often watchful eyes of those people who know you very well, who see you often.

I hazard this: as a male, I feel much more vulnerable losing control, given the status quo and expectations of our society (american, western). I think a woman could "hide" it in a "traditional" relationship, but I fear that a male might run into some rough spots, explaining certain things.

I know that it's great to be courageous and do what you feel is right and all that, but one thing I can't control is the opinion of others, and their actions or inactions based on that opinion. Religious convictions are wrapped up in all this (in my family) as well as the simple negative feelings toward non-dominant men.

Futhering the pressure of this dilemma is the fact that, given the supply shortage, would a man find himself in a position that's a little more crazy than what he'd prefer? Just to get the experience or relationship?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, these are just things that keep me up at night and make me unhappy. I'd love to see it a different way, if that way was the best way. It's not a perfect world...

Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 6:56:18 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

I gave up caring what others thought of my bdsm a LONG time ago , life is way to short to worry about what other may think or if they wish to judge me .I do not shove what i do in peoples faces or preach i just live my life .I once had a close what i thought to be nilla pal see me at a national leather event and i thought years ago when it happened OOOoooh nO , he saw me he knows he shall tell other etc etc . Then i thought he is there and I know about him , kinda like a slap to the forehead -we became closer pals.Just be yourself and enjoy my motto .

(in reply to Idowhatyousay)

Post #: 2

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 7:30:34 PM

hammerthrower

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline

Thanks. yeah, I see your point. I guess I was more curious about the loss of control aspect. Not simply wearing leather or having a fetish for latex. I don't mean to diminish your point or your involvement. I'm just having a hard time grapplig with the unpredictable, uncontrollable nature of "slavery" or something that's close to that.

I guess I could say that if I was a dominant male or female, I would certainly not care. But I'm not that. I don't direct the action. I don't call the shots. I'm the one who has to (wants to) do what I'm told...

quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

I gave up caring what others thought of my bdsm a LONG time ago , life is way to short to worry about what other may think or if they wish to judge me .I do not shove what i do in peoples faces or preach i just live my life .I once had a close what i thought to be nilla pal see me at a national leather event and i thought years ago when it happened OOOoooh nO , he saw me he knows he shall tell other etc etc . Then i thought he is there and I know about him , kinda like a slap to the forehead -we became closer pals.Just be yourself and enjoy my motto .

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 3

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 8:34:39 PM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

That must be much more difficult for guys i'd imagine.

As a female slave it is much easier for me to just BE- in front of friends and family.

With that being said, my family does know all about our relationship and i can refer to my Master as Daddy in front of most friends and my Mom....my Mom will even endorse some of the things he says or teaches me or gets me to do (knowing how i was always stubborn and difficult to make do things) i think she is kind of envious sometimes LOL cause she couldn't get away with things he does.

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to hammerthrower)

Post #: 4

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 9:02:05 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Hammerthrower> I gave the slave position time and i would not say i failed at it but discoverd it was not who i am personaly .Being in the bdsm life for as many years as i have i think i personaly have acepted just who i am and it did take some time though no matter what area i was experiancing i tried to just do it with honor and pride not allowing outside distrations or negitive acpects .Time will tell .As far as the loss of control and unpredicability for me i learned to give myself to ones i really trust to guide me along my path .Once trust is established try allowing the one your entrusting in your role to guide .Sometimes the toughest part is the power exchange and to give your self to another .I feel i am more a well rounded bdsmer and enjoy many roles , hummm maybe i am just greedy but i do so enjoy not only what i do but whom i exchange with and treasure all the gifts bestowed on to me .Hope that helps .
cherry > it can be very tough for males we grow up as kids all rough and tumble and to outsiders and those in the nilla world they just can not understand nor grasp our reasons why some males are driven to this .We know why and that is what is most important .smiles

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 5

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 9:05:40 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I have very accepting parents. I call my Dominant partner Daddy in front of them, and my dad and I even speak about power dynamics now and then. I joke with him to bad you're not in a power dynamic it makes things so much easier when your word is law and what you say goes period. he chuckles and I say sounds funny but it's true.

They used to take me to fetish events and drop me off an bring me back.

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 6

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 9:05:56 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I would stop being concerned about it - and if you have a deep innate sense of who you are then trying to hide it is only going to lead to more pain. Embrace it and let the world see you for who you really are. Remember you are never alone.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 7

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/8/2007 9:27:16 PM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

Master and I currently live with his sister, brother in law and eight year old nephew it does make it hard sometimes to maintain the dynamic in our relationship but we have found ways around this. I guess it helps that I am a female slave as nobody really says too much when I get him a drink but I do get a lot of crap from his sister telling me i should make him get his own drinks.

We have our own little rituals like waiting on my knees in the bedroom for him when he gets home from work, at meal times I will help out in the kitchen and bring his plate to him in the loungeroom I don't start eating until he has started and when he has finished i take his plate back to the kitchen and do everybodies dishes.

For actaul play stuff we have to wait until people are either asleep or we have the house to ourself but trust me we really make use of that time alone.

Willow

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

Post #: 8

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 2:45:27 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

you know it doesn't have to be all out there and in your families face. To the rest of the world many of us look just like a nilla couple. Sure it could be all out there and in the face but if it would damage you or your relationship with your family why would you accept that?

(in reply to Idowhatyousay)

Post #: 9

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 4:58:33 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I think calling someone Daddy or Master in front of your parents is disrespectful to them. To the op comming out to your family or friends is hard. You have to consider that they do not have blinders on. They may suspect what is going on with you. Out of respect or fear of knowing they may not wish to confront you about it. If you have a close friend open up to them about it to test the waters.

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 10

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 4:59:02 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I am curious to speak with, and learn from, people who have been able to fully, or at least to some satisfactory degree, lived their BDSM lifestyle right under the noses of parents, siblings, etc.

My family, my friends, my co-workers have always been very aware of who I am; I don't hide it from anyone.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Idowhatyousay)

Post #: 11

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 5:17:24 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

You know, most slaves I know appear to be simply loving partners to anyone not fully aware of their dynamic.

Same thing for most owners.

I think we fantasize about how different we all are but at the core of it we are all still in human relationships and we all have to do those mundane things just to live life.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Idowhatyousay)

Post #: 12

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 5:24:06 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I don't go to great pains to hide it but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I have come out to selected friends and family but only if I spend so much time with them that they are likely to notice something anyway and if I think they can handle the truth. It's based more on their need to know than my need to tell! I am very mindful of not burdening them with knowledge they had no wish to have. As I broach the subject, I pave the way by mentioning that I have moved into an alternative lifestyle, and that I am willing to share more because I trust them, but only if they want to know more. I respect their right to say no, they don't want to know. If they say yes, they want to know more, I usually talk more about the D/s and power exchange than about the "whips and chains" and then answer questions that they may have. So far, this approach hasn't backfired on me!

Yes it is possibly easier for female subs than males, although the women's libbers tend to frown on women serving men! i'm sure a couple of people at a vanilla party last week thought Master was a tad lazy when i was the one who went up to the bar both times to buy soft drinks for U/us both. That actually would have been easier for a man I think! However, that said, it is possible to look on male submission as a quiet strength, like a knight who is strong but who bends his knee to his Queen. If it is seen in that sort of light, male submission can be outwardly expressed in public as good old-fashioned manners ... opening doors, holding Her coat for Her, making sure Her needs are met, speaking respectfully, fetching things for Her etc. It needn't be viewed as any more kinky than that when around others ... in private, well then it's up to the tastes of the couple!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 13

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 5:30:50 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

Honestly, I don't understand why anyone would have a problem living a 24/7 power exchange relationship amongst family, friends and neighbors without raising an eyebrow... provided you have a bit of common sense.

First of all, I don't think anyone's relationship has to be completely transparent to those around them. Every relationship has aspects of it that are kept private, and should be kept private. Though in the modern world of blogs and websites and forums, there seems to be a veritable loss of privacy and a sense that everything should be shared in a public fashion. Is it for purposes of validation? Insecurity? I dunno, but I think it's unnatural and self-destructive.

Having said that, a power exchange relationship is all about control. Even in vanilla relationships it's common for one partner to "wear the pants in that family" or for people to observe that "he really dotes on her" or any other manner of recognizing that someone is, obviously, the one wielding control in the relationship. You want to live your relationship's control dynamic openly, go right ahead and it's not likely to be the cause of anything more than some ribbing from your friends who think you're "whipped" (and who probably are "whipped" themselves when they get home, with none of your benefits).

But if living your lifestyle openly means that you need to wear a spiked leather collar, leash, cuffs, assless chaps and the like... or asking permission to enter a room or take a dump, or falling to your knees and kissing her feet... or being called a worthless slug or slave... well... it's likely that you'll draw plenty of attention and plenty of comments. That's where the common sense helps.

I think most of the reservations people have about openly living their power exchange relationship is that they know what's going on, they know what it means, and they assume that it's obvious to everyone around them. It's not. Enjoy.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Idowhatyousay)

Post #: 14

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 5:40:07 AM

BloodLuna

Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

My mother was naturally submissive to my father from the dawn of my memory. She called him Father or Daddy, kept his house immaculate, had dinner on the table at 5pm promptly and as I got older Daddy became Sir. I don't think they were "lifestylers" but she was naturally submissive and my father was a bit of an overbearing guy. But in my M/s relationship with my owner, I don't even think she blinks at my calling him Sir or Daddy- I call him Master in front of everyone else but I have never been able to do so in front of my folks. They do react funny to the sudden change in me - I've always been dominant in my relationships with men and to hear me call any man other than my dad Sir freaked them out for a little while. But I have a locking, Turian (gor) collar around my neck and while there have been very few questions - I'm pretty sure they understand the underlying implications. My family seems to defer to Sir when asking questions about what our schedules are like, money issues etc.

As far as my dominant side - I'm very open about that as well. I've never hid who I am from those that I consider "family" I've run into quite a bit of trouble with that as I am involved in a divorce from my husband (seperated 2 years) and after 5 years of being in the lifestyle with me he's now trying to use it against me to take my um (who isn't his biologically) So in recent weeks I've had to become more . . . quiet about the lifestyle and my involvement in it. It angers me greatly that I have to hide who I am because some jerk off judge might be a conservative jerkoff that thinks WIITWD is a mental illness and not a healthy lifestyle.

Sorry for the vent- haven't had my coffee yet

Lady Luna

_____________________________

"Old goths never die, they just need less makeup"

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 15

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 5:42:20 AM

SassySue

Posts: 54
Joined: 2/12/2006
Status: offline

Well said, Rover! And, certainly true enough. Discretion is the key. Who cares if others think you are too devoted.. just look at them and say, yeah, but the sex is WILD. They will turn green with envy, shut their mouths and get on with their lives and leave you to lead your own.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 16

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 6:00:03 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

you know it doesn't have to be all out there and in your families face. To the rest of the world many of us look just like a nilla couple. Sure it could be all out there and in the face but if it would damage you or your relationship with your family why would you accept that?

Yes. If i had a Master living here with my children, i would expect that my Master would respect certain boundaries in front of my children. Same goes if we lived with my sister and brother-in-law. i see no reason to do an 'in your face' with my family and i would respect his family in the same way. This is one of those things that needs to be discussed before entering a living arrangement with family members.

The dynamic of the relationship hopefully exists always, whether in public or private. There simply is imo no reason for an 'in your face', with the exception of maybe shock value and why do that? It seems polite and respectful of all parties to keep the whips, chains, kneeling and feet kissing to privacy. That does not mean that i stop being his slave/submissive.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 17

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 6:14:31 AM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

I now live in the community where I grew up. Being from a big farm family and this being a farming community, every one knows everyones business ect. However, Master and I do live our life choice no matter who is around. I may be looked at like Im odd or what ever but its fine. We have cow pasture on three sides of our house so the cows really dont care either.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to SassySue)

Post #: 18

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 6:16:20 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

i am what i am what i am the thing of it is i do not flaunt what i am to every person. My lifestyle is my business and no one Else's. some people have an agenda to do the shock cult thing. Screw you why should you hurt others for self gain. But they do. what would you want to hurt a sibling or make them feel insecure about being around you or friends just to say i am kinky. how stupid and selfish is that. I think it is best. That people just mind their own business. Just be happy with who you are. Looking for acknowledgment from others is always a human flaw.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 19

RE: Living where you are, while being who you are - 11/9/2007 6:57:29 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Your generalizing when you say looking for acknowledgement is a human flaw. In some cases (work) there is a reason to look for it. To declare a flaw is only to declare an opinion.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 20

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