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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

FR

The worst thing you could do is feel ashamed or isolated.  I would list this as the number one problem in long term live in relationships, vanilla or otherwise.  And this isn't a kinky problem, it's a relationship problem.  There's a gazillion books and seminars on this- so don't feel alone and don't feel like you have to reinvent the wheel here.  And don't feel like your relationship is somehow deficient because it doesn't all magically happen- that's a myth and one of the reasons it IS such a relationship problem, because we're all taught it's not supposed to happen in good relationships and completely unprepared when it does.

Of course it starts with talking to eachother- how do you really feel?  What do you really want?  What do you expect?  What are some of the things you think caused the change?  Is this the first long term live in Ds relationship either of you have had? 

Now, this conversation will likely be a few conversations over the span of a week or two.  But if it takes just a half hour together in one night, then fabulous.

What you next need to do is each make a list of things to DO together that you KNOW you can commit to doing at least once a week, and that you KNOW will bring up some of those feelings and experiences you want to have.  Then, commit to doing at least two of them for a month.

Now, don't let that nagging voice of "It shouldn't feel like work" get to you- that's just wasted energy and completely wrong.  You've outgrown the old habits and need to form new ones, and that takes work.  Lack of focus is the cause of the problem- not the cure for the problem.

Then try it for a month.  Then, reassess.  What worked?  What didn't?  What did you like?  What would you change?  Feel free to throw the whole thing out and start over gain if it didn't.  This is all about forming a NEW relationship together.  As great as those new feelings were, that's not who or where you are now and you have to build something new together.

After 6 months of serious working on ACTIONS, if you seriously still feel like this connection isn't blooming or genuine, find a therapist and/or group to help.