Our D/s relationship, need advice please (Full Version)

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KashmirKitten -> Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 7:17:10 PM)

Hello to everyone. I am new here and am going to open my private life up for your scrutiny. This is something that we have both discussed numerous times privately but I have had not had input from anyone else. And i desperately need advice. I am bringing this here because this is a part of our lives i cant really share with anyone else.
I am married to my husband for a few years. He was my first and only real time Master.We had met in aol chatroom. After which time we talked on phone/online. I visited him at his home and he in turn visited me. He collared me during this time, and he was wonderful. Taught me things about myself as a sub and as a person that I never knew. This continued for about 6mos. We made plans for me to move to be with him, which I did after my Um was done with his school year. After my Um and I moved to his home, our D/s life dwindled less and less till it was practically non existent. We however were very much in love so this was tolerated if not a bit dissapointing. We became married after a about a year of me moving there. I still wear his collar but have no real rules or boundaries set, as most submissives do. I have talked with him about this repeatedly and he says he stills wants to be Master to me, but basically it's only play time in the bedroom. The occasional spanking, and kinky sex, etc...
My question is what should I do? He was at one time a wonderful Master. He sincerely says he wants to be that again but we aren't moving forward. I love him as my husband, and that will never change. I could live with him as my husband forever and that would be okay. BUT I want my Master back. I yearn for his control again. Is there anything that I can do or do I have to leave it totally up to him?



Estring -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 7:33:48 PM)

If you have talked to him repeatedly about this, and nothing has changed, I seriously doubt that it ever will. He seems happy with the way things are.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 8:08:01 PM)

Aside from telling him that, in exactly those words, there is nothing you can do.
You cant force someone to have certain feelings or act a certain way around you.
You have to accept that your relationship may have changed, and there might not be anything other than the kink.
If you need more, tell him you need more. But understand and accept that just becasue you need it doesnt mean you will get it from him.

DV




MrSpectacular -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 8:17:22 PM)

I think you have to leave it up to him - you have made your feelings clear so you have communicated. You however cannot control him and he needs to make up his own mind.
Sorry you have such a dilemma.



MsterStoney442 -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 8:32:36 PM)

Greetings
 
 I was told just about the same thing > She walked away . Thats all I can say .
 
 
MsterStomy442



Tigrita -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 8:43:46 PM)

This is really tricky.  My opinion may go against the grain, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway.  You are a human being; a slave, but a human being, with needs.  If those basic needs are not being met, you are not well-kept.  A master has the responsibility of taking care of his slaves needs, in the sense of keeping them a healthy human being, in my opinion.  I don't believe that means a slave should always be delightfully happy and content with the way her master keeps her, but a life sentence of denying her her identity, especially the identity as a slave that brought her there, is not healthy.  I assume you put on his collar with the understanding that both of you would fulfill certain needs of eachother; negotiations/clear expectations in choosing a compatible M/s relationship for both of you.  If he is not the master he promised to be, it is his obligation and responsibility to rectify that or allow you the means to be fulfilled that way.  Maybe that means releasing you and allowing you to find a suitable master outside the marriage?  Just one potential solution.

Best wishes,

~ J



mya75 -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 8:49:36 PM)

maybe he is uncomfortable balancing being a Master and a Father to the Um...going by what you said all was ok until you moved in and the family part of it had to be incorporated into your/his daily life.....I think its just going to take some serious communication and working out what haulted your lifestyle...



KashmirKitten -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 9:44:11 PM)

Yes my Um has been a lot of the problem. Not sure where to go from here but i am going to share the post with him. TY guys...



Estring -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 9:46:05 PM)

ums have to be the priority. He may not be happy with that.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 9:56:36 PM)

FR

The worst thing you could do is feel ashamed or isolated.  I would list this as the number one problem in long term live in relationships, vanilla or otherwise.  And this isn't a kinky problem, it's a relationship problem.  There's a gazillion books and seminars on this- so don't feel alone and don't feel like you have to reinvent the wheel here.  And don't feel like your relationship is somehow deficient because it doesn't all magically happen- that's a myth and one of the reasons it IS such a relationship problem, because we're all taught it's not supposed to happen in good relationships and completely unprepared when it does.

Of course it starts with talking to eachother- how do you really feel?  What do you really want?  What do you expect?  What are some of the things you think caused the change?  Is this the first long term live in Ds relationship either of you have had? 

Now, this conversation will likely be a few conversations over the span of a week or two.  But if it takes just a half hour together in one night, then fabulous.

What you next need to do is each make a list of things to DO together that you KNOW you can commit to doing at least once a week, and that you KNOW will bring up some of those feelings and experiences you want to have.  Then, commit to doing at least two of them for a month.

Now, don't let that nagging voice of "It shouldn't feel like work" get to you- that's just wasted energy and completely wrong.  You've outgrown the old habits and need to form new ones, and that takes work.  Lack of focus is the cause of the problem- not the cure for the problem.

Then try it for a month.  Then, reassess.  What worked?  What didn't?  What did you like?  What would you change?  Feel free to throw the whole thing out and start over gain if it didn't.  This is all about forming a NEW relationship together.  As great as those new feelings were, that's not who or where you are now and you have to build something new together.

After 6 months of serious working on ACTIONS, if you seriously still feel like this connection isn't blooming or genuine, find a therapist and/or group to help.



insistentone -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 10:00:12 PM)

So long as you remain OK with not getting what you want it is unlikely that you will be able to motivate him to deliver. I would call attention to his claim that for him it is only kinky sex....how is it that you did not know this? Perhaps it  once meant more then this to him? Maybe you totally misunderstood him some how? Maybe he is lieing now, that something is getting in he way of  D/s for him but he does not want to deal with it so gives you a story that he hopes will put you off asking for D/s??? If you want to get to the bottom of this you will need to figure him out, and probably push....in the right places of course. 



angelikaJ -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 10:08:37 PM)

I link to this thread a lot...but it made sense to me when I read it:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1240921



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 10:10:08 PM)

You can't control his actions or reactions. You can only control your own.  My mom's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you miss them if they were gone? 2) Is being in the relationship unhealthy for you? If the answer is no to either question, you need to take a look at the validity of the relationship.

If you think that continuing down this road will eventually be unhealthy for you, he needs to know that. Have you suggested that you two set aside one weekend a month were you go away and have a Ds weekend?

Master Fire



DarkDaddyZ -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/1/2007 10:11:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

You can't control his actions or reactions. You can only control your own.  My mom's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you miss them if they were gone? 2) Is being in the relationship unhealthy for you? If the answer is no to either question, you need to take a look at the validity of the relationship.

If you think that continuing down this road will eventually be unhealthy for you, he needs to know that. Have you suggested that you two set aside one weekend a month were you go away and have a Ds weekend?

Master Fire


Ditto what Master Fire said!



Celeste43 -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 6:17:10 AM)

First, it's not uncommon for men to have trouble seeing the mother of their ums as someone they can mistreat. And although you enjoy it, he's still framing this as mistreatment. Plus the stress of worrying about supporting a family may be overwhelming him.

The way around it is two fold; ask him to decide what he wants for dinner and give him the choices available chicken, meatloaf, pasta etc.

Second and more important is to give lots of positive reinforcement for him having taken that control. Thank him, tell him how much you enjoy it when he makes decisions, even these kind of small ones. And that you would love it if he would tell you what he wants before you go to the store so you know what to get for him. Then tell him Monday night you will be grocery shopping tomorrow and what does he want.

This will get him used to making decisions again which had to go by the wayside when you weren't up to serving during pregnancy and right after labor. And more importantly, he'll be able to realize that control isn't only the fun stuff of having you crawl naked across the floor which you can't do anymore except in the privacy of your bedroom.

Beyond that, were there any rules he put in place in the beginning which you are still obeying? Things you don't even think about anymore? In my relationship there are those things; no peas, look people in the eye, don't get out of bed if I can't sleep unless I've been tossing and turning for a long time. He doesn't feel the need to keep adding rules. He has better things to do with his time than check up on me doing stuff which he doesn't care about.

But you could ask for some protocols; kneel by the side of the bed at night and ask for permission to get in, always bring him his coffee in the morning, bring your collar to him to put on you at bedtime if it's one you can sleep in or have him remove it if it's too delicate to sleep in. You can even do this on your own for a few days and then ask him if he likes that and wants to add it, or not.

Because not only are you asking for more control, you're not offering concrete suggestions of what kinds of control would work with the changes in the house. Subs can be active and dream things up. You want him to control a certain activity, ask him what you should do, try it for a while and then ask if he wants to continue making these decisions or not. Ease him back into control little by little.



batshalom -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 6:23:03 AM)

I echo Celeste and will throw in an additional idea to help respark his desire to Master you.

Do some ritualistic things, like kneeling at his feet when he sits (if this is not ok in front of the UM, do it when s/he is in bed), call him a name that sets him apart (like "Master" or "Sir" or whatever), and put yourself in that mindset regardless if you have boundaries. Give yourself boundaries, get in your own headspace, and he may well follow along.



Phoenix2raven -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 6:56:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KashmirKitten

Yes my Um has been a lot of the problem. Not sure where to go from here but i am going to share the post with him. TY guys...
That helps me to say I can empathize with your Dom because before my current submissive I had never been with a submissive with a um. That made it difficult for me to do standard D/s activities. This may be the problem he may just be frustrated by not being able to just bend you over in the kitchen and give you a spanking or have you cow tow to him etc. If it is this type of problem there are ways to get around it. If it isn't  there is no magic pill to make him take responsibility. I hope for your sake that it is what I am suggesting but if it isn't all I can say is  good luck and I hope you are happy.



MaamJay -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 7:20:07 AM)

Whilst UMs are not part of Our household, I do know others who manage to sustain M/s with them around. A few little suggestions for simple rituals:
* have Him hold your hand while out shopping etc ... yes it looks romantic but it is also controlling
* consider walking a little behind Him? (can be respectful) ... or He might prefer you to walk slightly in front so He can watch your wiggle!
* have Him order for you in a restaurant (He might request your input from the menu before the waiter arrives ... or then again, He may not!)
* drop a little bob or curtsey when you serve His meal
* always prepare His meal first, serve Him first, then go back and fetch your own and the UMs
* keep all that is or will be His (such as His plate, His favourite drink in the fridge ... whatever!) on your right side ... after all, Master is always right [;)]
* devise little codes or signals for things you might otherwise ask permission for where this would raise undue attention ... eg you could have a code for "may i use the bathroom please?"
Hopefully these examples might inspire the 2 of you to develop some of your own!

Also be mindful that like most aspects of relationships, the outward expression of M/s or D/s ebbs and flows. Master and i have been going through an ebbtide ... but given all the stresses of the past year or so, W/we freely acknowledge how burned out leaving a marriage, selling a much-loved home and property, buying a new house in another state, packing over 200 boxes of stuff, moving 5000km across country, unpacking about 190 boxes LOL and still struggling a bit to find enough work has left U/us! So while W/we have this cute mini-Dungeon in the new shed ... so far there's not been a lot of energy spare to use it. That is natural and stressing out too much about it is counter-productive. I'm with LA on the idea that "blame and shame" isn't helpful ... focusing on forging new paths is much more productive. And yes, it may feel "artificial" ... anything that is new generally does. And you will both have to "work" at it ... but that's OK too, because that's what makes the results worthwhile. For U/us, it's been many of the little rituals that has kept U/us going in the headspace.

I hope you can both work together on finding a way around/through/over/under the obstacles and create a whole new expression of your M/s relationship. All the best!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



MasterWilliam55 -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 9:29:29 AM)

LuckyAlbatross has given you some good suggestions. I would add, that it's often the little things in a D/s relationship that keep the dynamic alive. The use of a few subtle protocols on a day-to-day basis, occassional rituals and play once a month. I'm not suggesting you didn't do this in the past but small things matter. Serve him first, see that his drink glass is full, ask permission to do things. Start with a couple of things and work up. It may rekindle his interest.

Doms need reinforcement just as you do.



slimcontroller -> RE: Our D/s relationship, need advice please (11/2/2007 11:38:10 AM)

Oh dear, as one who endured a vanilla relationship that had gone pear shaped I can sympathise. In my case there was no um to consider; but in the end it ended in tears and worse. So how can I presume to advise.

Slimcontroller



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