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Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 1:48:01 PM   
onthedl94


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline 		I am new to BDSM, although I have done enough research to know that the best fit for my desires is D/s.  I have been researching and studying the topic for a year or so but only activly involve for about three months.  In my attempts to find a Dom that I connect with both emotionally and physically, and who will properly train me I have met some pretty, well lets just say not so desirable people.  This is something that I am sure everyone here can relate to I have not doubt!  But in the end I have found my diamond in the rough internet waters.  We have connected on so many different levels and have such a wonderful respect for and trust in eachother, it feels as if we have known eachother for several years rather than only months.
 
Now I know that we have not really been talking long as far as making a longterm committment to a D/s relationship is concerned, but it is my nature to look well in to my future so I can make the necessary arrangements.  In looking at the future we have an issue of the relocation factor.  He is from a different state than I am and we both have pretty close ties to where we live.  All of my family lives in my hometown and we are all very close, and the same is true for Him in addition to Him having a thriving business.  Should it come to making the decision of living together, one of us has to relocate.  Here is where my questions come in:  For those of you who have relocated to be with your Dom or sub how did you handle making that decision?  Was the relocation successful or did you have a hard time with the transition?  Also, how long was it before you met your D/M in real life after you started talking to Him/Her?
 
Of course, everyone is going to make reference to the length of time we have known eachother and I realize that at this point we have a while to go before we get to the meeting and relocation issue so please don't feel it necessary to point this out.  Also, I know everyone is going to make reference to "how much I care for or love" my Dom and I am aware that this must be a large factor in my decision as well, although I believe the fact that I am aleady pondering this issue shows the strong connection we share.  I am merely trying to get advice from others who have struggled with this issue as I am.  Thanks all in advance for you suggestions and stories!

< Message edited by onthedl94 -- 10/21/2007 1:50:36 PM >
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 2:04:35 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think you want to hear that you're putting the cart in front of the horse...so I'll just leave that there.
 
I relocated to Washington to be with Daddy from New Orleans. There were a few reasons. First, He has a daughter here that He would not want to be separated from. Second, I was able to relocate within my company, something that was not possible for Him at the time. Mostly, it was just easier for me to move than for Him to move. That was the bottom line. At some point, the way will become clear and one option will seem more reasonable than the other.
 
I've struggled finding my place here in Washington. It was certainly a culture shock, but it was also difficult finding our balance as a couple. One minute He's only available by phone and the next He's sleeping next to me. It was really kind of crazy, and very difficult to describe accurately.
 
I think you'll get a better picture of what to expect by talking with him and explaining your concerns. Daddy and I were talking about relocation long before it was possible...we went back and forth about what would be better. The pros and cons eventually stack up to one side or the other.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 10/21/2007 2:05:21 PM >

_____________________________

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"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

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(in reply to onthedl94)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 2:14:03 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Not so much a comment about how long you've been talking to each other.  But why would you even think about relocation when you've not even met each other?  That seems odd to me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 2:39:26 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		     As long as you have reasonable belief that this is a relationship that both of you are ready to take to another level, I'd have to look at the economic situation. Having a "thriving business" isn't always a given. While some businesses seem successful no matter where they are located, others have simply hit that magic combination of location, timing, and opportunity that would not survive a transition to another place. For example, Snow Shovels R Us isn't going to make it in South Ga but a thriving internet company can pick up and move without the customers even realizing there was a change. The same can be said of jobs where you don't own the business. A qualified nurse is in demand nationwide, but the oceanographer isn't going to have an easy go of it in Kansas.
    It is NEVER easy to leave close family behind but many people can and do this all the time. You can still love your family no matter where you are. While you might have to limit travel-you can still be connected daily-especially these days with the internet, and national cell phone calling plans. There was a time in my life where leaving family behind seemed like something I could not do. Over time, I've come to see what a rare thing love is, and I'd be willing to do whatever it took to be with someone I cared about. Close family will love you no matter where you hang your hat, and they will only want your happiness. If and when the time comes, you will have a clearer picture about what to do.

(in reply to onthedl94)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 2:58:43 PM   
onthedl94


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline 		I guess as I put more thought in to it, it's not relocating to be with Him that I am actually requesting information on.  It's relocating to be with any Dom really.  If I am struggling with the idea of relocating should I put my efforts in to talking to this or any other Dom for that matter that does not live close to me?  Or should I focus my efforts closer to home?  The only problem with that is that I truely do have a strong connection with this person.

I'm just over thinking it, I guess.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 3:29:18 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I first spoke to FirmhandKY at the end of April 2006 and we met in person in mid-June.  A few more week-long visits and nearly nine interminable months later, I moved 800 miles to be with him.

(psst... there is nothing significant about that nine months, by the way.  )

Although we were both amenable to relocating eventually, I was the one who moved primarily because it was easier and we could make the transition much faster.  Neither of us liked the long-distance thing, at all.

Our fast timetable wouldn't be right for just anybody and I will point out that we do not live together full-time right now, though when he's not traveling for work we do spend more time together than apart.  I also didn't have many ties where I was before... one or two close ones that have been a little challenging but workable.

I've found the transition not to be too much of a problem, but I love my new location.  There was a bit of adjustment to make in getting settled at work (I transferred with the same company) and sometimes when FirmhandKY isn't here it gets a little lonesome.  Then again, that's not much different from where I was before.  I work a lot and never seem to have the time or inclination to build much of a social network for myself.

In the end, you'll just need to decide what means more to you and take into consideration what sacrifices you are willing to make.

(in reply to onthedl94)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 5:01:54 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I relocated, not only to two different states but also a way of life.  Sir is a snowbird, spending winters in AZ and summers in MT. 

We actually met at a lifestyle event in my state.  Spent the next few months getting to know each other better via internet and phone.  Then spent a few weeks together giving me an idea about how life is lived in a motor home.  A few months later i took a leave of absense from my job to spend part of the winter with him and never returned.  I wasn't prepared to burn my bridges till we'd spent a longer time together and i was sure.   

Twice a year while traveling we stop to visit my kids (i'm lucky as they all live in the same area).  We spend anywhere from a week to 3 weeks visiting, depending on how much time is needed to keep the family ties. 

The transition for me was easier than i'd expected.  I've always loved small cozy houses.  Sir had some problems with having to let me have space for my stuff.  He's a packrat and hated to get rid of his stuff.  However, after several months i was tired of wearing the same 4 outfits and wanted more of my clothes.  So we bought a new to us motor home, sorted out what we needed from the old motor home and found places for all the necessities in the new one. 

We're on our way to AZ at the moment.  In fact, we'll be in AZ tomorrow afternoon after traveling for the past month.  This will be my 3rd winter there.  We're very happy together. 

(in reply to onthedl94)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/21/2007 5:06:41 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		hi

i'm almost in the same situation as you're in, OP and planning to relocate from Chicago to Salem, Oregon in 08 with my SO/Dom.

it was a tough call to make since i would be uprooting two UMs from family and friends however he has a business there which would make it difficult for him to relocate. my UMs are excited about moving to Oregon and cannot wait to go horseback riding and camping. plus i wouldn't have to find a job out there ...i'll still continue review bands/musicians on the west coast for the radio station i work for.

on the other hand, i am quite nervous about moving since i'll be leaving "the sleeping alone at night" to "sharing a bed with my husband" (getting married in June).  we have had many conversations (and will continue to do so) about my concerns about moving to my UMs ...dealing with my ex is next on my list since visitation will have to change dramatically.  it's part of the reason why we're taking it slow with the moving/wedding plans and waiting until school's out for the summer.

good luck to you and yours


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to onthedl94)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 4:58:18 AM   
handsoverhead


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/7/2006
Status: offline 		We chatted for about 3 or 4 months before meeting. Neither of us had any intention of it being any more serious than semi-regular play-date weekends so relocation was not seriously discussed for at least the first year. Once things became more serious, I made it known I would not be willing to relocate though I probably brought it up in a non-specific way in the initial chatting stages. It was definitely something I had seriously considered in the abstract before it was anywhere close to an issue. I had already made a firm decision not to relocate before it was even a possibility.

Going from long distance to living together is like nothing else I have experienced. It is wonderful but also a massive adjustment. As someone else said, one second it is all phone conversations and messaging and the next they are with you all the time. I even missed the instant message chats in the beginning! But we talked a lot about expectations and changes in expectations and we live a loving happy life. I wouldn't change a thing.

Best of luck to you. I think it is good to think about these sorts of things before they become a topic for actual discussion - It's good to know what you want and what you can or cannot give.

edited for spelling

< Message edited by handsoverhead -- 10/22/2007 5:00:10 AM >

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 5:03:25 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I said clearly that I couldn't relocate until after my family were on their own. Because of that and the difficulties of getting time away as a single parent, I only talked to people within a reasonable driving distance. He was about 3 hours away. Had he been unable to relocate eventually, we would have remained in a ldr. Thankfully he could eventually relocate. But we remained in a ldr for about two years until we both felt that we knew each other well enough to move to the next step.

(in reply to handsoverhead)
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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 5:27:54 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		The common thing in these post is that people have found jobs in the areas where they relocated. People have to realise that a lot of areas where someone wants you to relocate there are no jobs avaliable. There are a lot of variables in relocating. Jobs, homes, family, ect. It takes work on both sides. It seems a lot of people on here dont have the patience to see it through. To many on here are seeking instant gradification.

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 7:34:54 AM   
viperess


Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings,
Relocating is never easy but at the same time it can be looked upon as exciting adventure. i have always been one to preach the take your time, go slowly, watch, listen, and be sure before you get into a M/s relation...Having said that i began speaking with Master on here and then on IM back in the begining of Nov. of 06 and on the 18th of the same month i traveled from Texas to Cali to meet Him and never left. After 11 months here i would not change having moved so quickly. It is hard though leaving friends and family but He is wonderful about allowing me to speak with my UM's as often as we wish, has invited them to come visit any time they wish. i think a lot of the transition in relocation just depends on how you view your life and those you wish to be with. If someone would have told me a year ago i would move even further from the east coast to serve i would have asked what kind of drugs they were on, but now i could not imagin not doing it. The best advise i can give you is talk, talk, talk, and then follow your heart.
wish you the very best in your journey

viperess slave of Master BlackTarnHeart

_____________________________

viperess slave of BlackTarnHeart
heart and chain sister to velvetvixen68

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 7:45:52 AM   
thoren


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline 		Hi :
Thoren here ( Sir perhaps ) ( NOt master ) I have assumed for some time that I might have to relocate. I recognized that my subissive match migh have to work for some year. I am pensioned and travel. So for me , if a good submissive match comes along , I already know how to pack. being over 60 , I'm a snowbird. But also know that large numbers of retirees ( I am pensioned )  either leave their home states OR just become snowbirds . A bigger factor may be the general health of the people involved. IE can they travel with heart conditions or stroke problems ,etc.
If I find that great match it will be moving time for me. A good match means expecially someone who I think will  outlive me .
Thoren

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 7:50:15 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onthedl94

I guess as I put more thought in to it, it's not relocating to be with Him that I am actually requesting information on.  It's relocating to be with any Dom really.  If I am struggling with the idea of relocating should I put my efforts in to talking to this or any other Dom for that matter that does not live close to me?  Or should I focus my efforts closer to home?  The only problem with that is that I truely do have a strong connection with this person.

I'm just over thinking it, I guess.


To me I would just take the D/s part and even relocating for another person part out of the equation and just simply focus on you.

To me until you can answer that you can separate yourself from your family which it sounds you are close to and have stayed in the same place for probably quite a long time then to me I would not think about relocating. It is easy to dream or to chase something but you cannot substitute what your family gives you and how you are in that area for a relationship. As human beings we are not simple and a relationship and how we are with family are two different things.

So to me I would suggest thinking about if you could not see your family for long periods of time, have an entire support/social system rendered to emails and phone calls for the most part and things of this nature.

It has been my observation that many people who have pretty much only lived in one place and moved out of state, even with an already family in tow, for another or job often end up leaving to go back home. It may be measured in months or years but I think you are on the right track to be contemplating this instead of just chasing one aspect of your goals in life.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 7:55:38 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		(using fast reply)
 
My submissive and I are currently in the same town.  In about eight months, that is going to change, at least for him and possibly for Us.  The topic has come up for either him to find a way to stay here or for Us to find a way to be closer to him.  W/we think W/we have it worked out for the three of U/us to be about six hours away from each other by next summer.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Relocation Factor - 10/22/2007 10:40:13 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		This has nothing at all to do with D/s or BDSM.
Just an experience that you might benefit from.
I was very much in love but I would not leave my family.
I have regretted it all my life.
I had the chance I blew it.
All I can say is dont blow it.
Take it slow but do it if you think it has a chance.
It's not the things we do in life that we regret it's the things we don't do.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Relocation Factor - 11/17/2007 11:19:45 AM   
urtoy


Posts: 55
Joined: 4/23/2004
Status: offline 		It's always a tough call, but I'd be averse to leaving family behind. I guess all you can do is take your time making such an important decision and do whatis best for you, without being swayed by al the "if you're a twue submissive" BS. 

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Relocation Factor - 11/17/2007 11:31:59 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		So far, I have dealt mostly with submissives that lived out of state.  Since I do not hide what I do for a living, it becomes pretty clear that I cannot relocate without some serious, serious thought.  For me, it is not just a matter of picking up and starting over to build a practice, it is finding the space, getting licensed in the new state, building a practice, etc., etc., etc..  And for those who think it that getting licensed in another state is just a matter of transferring your license, it isn't...it is a matter of studying for and taking their state board and then waiting to see if you pass. 

Even with all that, I would relocate if I just could not do without a certain submissive and there were things that made it even more difficult for her to relocate than me.  But this is why I like to talk to someone, meet someone, continue to talk, take things slowly and make sure.  Next April, I will have been in practice for 25 years...that is hard to give up and start over building again.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Relocation Factor - 11/17/2007 11:34:15 AM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		I know what you are saying, about "preparing".  I think some are confused that you are packing your bags right now, but what you are really doing is just thinking in advance.  Which is good, that way you don't have to make a snap decision you'd have given it a lot of thought in the event that things do go in a positive direction.  I wish more "relocators", especially those from other countries would do research beforehand.

In response to your question, it's really up to how the two of you feel, when it feels right to have your first meeting.

As for relocation....I would do the pro and con thing.  You say he has a business...can he run it from another location?  or is it a business where he needs to be there on a daily basis?  Which of you makes more?  You both have family ties...are there little um's involved? or you talking just family in general?  Not really answers here, but only a few points to consider....

As I said, might as well consider it now, not saying have some serious discussion with him, but at this stage in your relationship, think of your side of things and what "you" are willing to give up or compromise on....then later if things progress further, "then" have a discussion with him....because if neither of you can relocate, it's best to make this just a friend thing or just walk away now, before you grow even closer and it will be too painful to walk away.

Just my ramblings and experiences...I'm sure others have a much better take on the situation.   Good luck to the both of you  :>

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to urtoy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Relocation Factor - 11/17/2007 12:05:20 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Not so much a comment about how long you've been talking to each other.  But why would you even think about relocation when you've not even met each other?  That seems odd to me.


I accepted a noob ‘slave’ into a poly house once without meeting first.  The relationship only lasted 2 years though.  However, it failed due to her inexperience/exposure not because we didn’t meet first.  The rapture of BDSM wore off and her vanilla heart emerged… She asked me to join her in a vanilla lifestyle.  She went vanilla because the core of her motivation was sexual not emotional need.  After here perspectives, her core changed. the thrill of the passion became normal.  The rapture faded. 

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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