RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (Full Version)

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GhitaAmati -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 7:24:53 AM)

I searched and searched for years through endless really crappy relationships. Finally...when my oldest son (father is now in federal prison..told you my relationship hunting skills suck)...I gave up. I decided my place in life was to be a single mother. Realized that men were rather expensive and as long as I stayed single I could actually keep a savings account and pay my bills (that never happened while I was dating)...I saved enough for a house, paid off my car, went back to college, got a good stable job, ignored every man who decided to flirt with me, and spent quite a bit of time with my son. I came to the conclusion that I was just meant to be alone and the truth of the matter is I was a WHOLE lot happier during that period of my life than I had ever been before. And then, one day, this dude showed up. My boss threw us into a project together and we ended up working on it one night at my house over dinner and he was amazing with my son, they played board games while we were waiting on the computer to finish doing its thing, he helped me put him to bed....and well....he never went home....ever......he's been here since....



toservez -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 7:34:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Sarbonn, I don't even think about this stuff. It just feels negative and defeatist for some reason.

I look at it this way. I just keep busy living life, doing my thing, enjoying the people I have in my life. And stay open to whatever, whomever, comes along. Concentrate on taking care of what I need to take care of, including myself.

By taking this approach, I am happy. Regardless of wether I am alone or not.


I agree with this very much. I do not believe in basing my happiness and contentment for life based on a checklist. I mean by this is I refuse to be unhappy if I am alone, not married, not have any children, have a certain career, live in a certain neighborhood in a certain house and things of this nature. For me happiness must be based on getting up each day and being comfortable with who you are and not what you want to be.

Some people thrive with social interaction, some need/want very little and anything in between. When looking for our other people just have their own path. For some being alone is not an option to them so they appear to leap before looking. For some who maybe do not mind being alone maybe they are more/too picky, who knows.

We have to control our own lives though and finding someone to me does take active participation. Can it just happen, of course but for me personally looking for someone actively has to increase the odds. But looking or not being happy hopefully should not be decided solely based on actually finding someone.




Bearlee -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 8:58:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

I don't believe that there is someone for everyone. I believe that if you want something or someone, you have to put yourself out there and take some risks. That does not guarantee you will be successful. There are no guarantees in life, except that we will all leave it at some point. I search because I crave and want something. I live each day as if its my last, even though all my quests may not be complete. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot

I tend to think that Life is filled with lessons, our spirits must learn from, grow and move forward.

I think that, that could be true, that some of us will learn our lesson's as being single the majority of our lives. And of course the lessons we learn from All our relationships to other human beings and animals, even the Earth.

Is it better to move through a number of people over time to learn the lesson's or with one constant companion over the years? It's probably an individual thing and on a spectrum. 

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
…
I look at it this way. I just keep busy living life, doing my thing, enjoying the people I have in my life. And stay open to whatever, whomever, comes along. Concentrate on taking care of what I need to take care of, including myself.

By taking this approach, I am happy. Regardless of wether I am alone or not. 


I included some quotes from those whose thoughts resonate with me.  Like D…sometimes I need to remind myself of this stuff.
 
I am a person who likes people, but who also enjoys alone time.  I can spend an entire weekend alone, puttering around my home; gardening, cooking, reading, working on some project on my home…or planning another.
 
Having said that, I have lots of friends, too.  I regularly have people over for small dinner parties of six or eight.  I love to cook for my friends.  Sometimes others and I get together for some gardening project together…or I help them brush up on computer techniques…or we swap books we enjoy.  I really do like people.
 
And…I’d prefer to have a partner.  I yearn for a partner.  But pushing it just ends up a complete waste of time.  I’d rather just let it unfold.  I think sometimes we all just get too caught up in how we think things should be (Married with kids; white picket fence; house in the country/city… what ever) and forget to just get on with our lives.   
 
Partners do not make you happy.  YOU make you happy.  It’s my contention that, if ya don’t like your life…change it.  DO the things that make you happy.  Perhaps put yourself in places where you are around people who enjoy doing what you enjoy doing.  I’m really not very ‘clubby’…but I’ve joined book clubs, computer clubs, cooking clubs, BDSM clubs, dog clubs, photography clubs…all sorts of stuff just to a) learn more and b) put myself out there with people.
 
There is some sort of joke I remember where a flood is coming and some guy just knows god will save him.  The water makes it to the first floor just as the police come to help him evacuate.  He refuses help saying…god will save him.  The water is at the second floor when a boat comes to help get him to safety; he refuses saying god will save him.  Finally, as he sits on the roof of his completely flooded home, a helicopter comes to rescue him…and he again refuses help saying god will save him.  When he arrives at the Pearley Gates, he asks god why he let him die; why he didn’t save him.  God of course pointed out that he’d tried three times; evacuation help, a boat, a helicopter!!!  While I’m not a religious person…I love that little story. 
 
There is something about life not being the destination; it’s the journey.  I want to enjoy mine; pay attention to it, revel in it…see where it goes.  Yeah, it would be fun to have a partner, but I’m having a good time today, too.
 
D...of all people here, I'd think you'd have the least trouble with this.  You are a most facinating man; enjoy things as they unfold.
 
b



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:05:57 AM)

I stopped thinking about that sort of thing a long time ago.  If I am meant to meet someone, I will.  When I was cosidering it, and I met my exhusband, I was sure he was THE ONE... becasue I wanted him to be.
And he wasnt.  When I stopped worrying about it, and decided that I was OK being alone if that was how it worked out was when I met someone.
Or, actually, 2 someones.
I think the problem is not whether or not we have someone out there.  The problem is whether or not we get so anxious trying to find them that we either miss them or scare them off.

DV




LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:13:41 AM)

     you lazy bastards. get off your computer type ass and start looking for xyz. It does not come to you on a freaking site. it may be a nillla your suppose to be with but if you stay in a linier mode of thought you will find nothing



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:18:06 AM)

Wow, drag in the claws Latex.
No one attacked you, and name calling is unnecessary.
I happened to have met BOTH my boys on here. And wouldnt have met them at al had I NOT been online.
So, if you consider yourself a lazy bastard for being online, then thats all well and good for you. But dont you call me names.




LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:21:26 AM)

you miss the point some people let these sites dictate to them what is life. sitting behind a keyboard is not life but a slow death of suffication from the fresh air of what is really out there ..some people that this is all they have that was my point

I relized it was a little shock and awe but some people need that lol



Shawn1066 -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:24:22 AM)

*waves*

I'm in a wonderful relationship thanks to Collarme. :)

I mean...the site really lived up to its name.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:26:24 AM)

No it wasnt a little shock and awe, it was downright rude.
And yes, some people spend too much time online and forget how to interact.  Others do so in clubs, bars, or the gym too.
Taking anything to excess is bad, but if you are interacting and actually meeting... then its workig for them. For some of us, online does that better than face to face. Keep perspective in mind.

DV



camille65 -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 9:37:57 AM)

Yes I have wondered about it. Sometimes it worries me, other times I'm okay with it. I fall into the side of thinking that there is not someone for everyone and that there is not 'the one' for me.



thetammyjo -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 12:17:39 PM)

I think there are multiple people in the world we could connect to if we are only open to making those connections.

I have connections with many many people.

Lovers, husband, slave, friends, family, colleagues, students, publisher, neighbors, etc.

What I make of those connections is partly in my hands and partly not. I can only control one of them.



SuspendedInGaffa -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 3:32:54 PM)

I don't "do" fate, so for me there's no such thing as what's "supposed to" happen. Neither do I think there's one person for everybody. That'd be an astronomically difficult needle in a haystack to find.

I just think that the more work and positive thought you put into anything, the more chance you have of success. And that's it.



stella41b -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 4:04:32 PM)

I don't really think about this, being honest. I've recently gone from being tied to a Domme in an online relationship crossing the Atlantic (yes, it is the same me - previously stella40) to being minus a Domme and for now on this side of the Atlantic. Experience, inexperience, perception and lack of perception, I don't want to really go into it because it isn't important and I'd like to keep the positives from what was, and there was a lot of positives, but yes I did make mistakes and some of them rather silly mistakes for such an experienced submissive like myself, things that I was able to see I didn't see and being honest I was out of touch with reality.

My point being - and I write here from recent experience - that introspection when it's used to examine what has been and to find answers and the truth of what has been is a good thing, but introspection when you are looking at what is missing from your life and ascribing that to someone who you've never met and don't even know exists usually works against you.

For sure, some things in life which you consider very necessary may not come to you, sometimes they do but in different ways to what you expect, and sometimes you just simply have to compromise.

Not so long ago I went through that introspection just like the OP and it took me some days to work out what went wrong and why and basically it just happened. I made my mistakes (as per usual, as I'm no model of perfection myself) I know where I went wrong, I now know things which I didn't before, I've learned my lessons and I am older and wiser - and this new profile is a sign that I've moved on, I've let go, and I'm once again reaching out and making myself open to others.

Am I not supposed to connect? I don't know, I can't say, and I guess I never will be able to, because before that becomes a fact I'll be dead. But until then I'll keep trying assuming that for someone somewhere at some time I will connect, knowing there's no evidence which proves otherwise.



Mercurialdame -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 4:07:11 PM)

[so I often wonder if maybe it's just not meant to be.)

Your summary above, more or less says, that sometimes, life has a plan allready mapped out for you. And if your 'destined' to be single, then your wasting your time trying to fight that.
FUCK THAT!!!
Let someone else control you? Even if their name is fate. That's way too passive for me. If i want something, i go out and get it.
Im against fatalistic thinking, it paralyses people. It keeps people still, prevents risk taking learning and growth.
Sure, its a real bummer to of not found someone. It aint none too pleasant either, to of found someone and lost em. But id rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all.
And whilst im hunting down my partner, i kiss tons of frogs. One of those frogs, turned out to be a prince, but id never of known, had i not sought him out, hunted him down, and caught him. Life is for living. Not for letting it flow around, over, and passed you.
When im in hell, i want to be able to say, at the very least, "what a ride!".
Mercurialdame



KatyLied -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 5:10:50 PM)

quote:

Not for letting it flow around,


For some of us, there is a calmer life required.  One of allowing it to flow.  One where we aren't constantly pursuing or in pursuit....of something or someone.



petdave -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 5:58:43 PM)

There are blind people who will never drive a car.
There are paraplegics who will never dance the Tango
There are people who will never be able to hold a job that makes more than minimum wage.
There are people who will never have a successful relationship.

Yes, i believe it's entirely possible to be so maladaptive, damaged, what-have-you, that you are effectively removed from the dating pool.

However, i also think that as long as you are reasonably intelligent and dedicated, i think that the majority of people can compromise, repress, or otherwise fake themselves into a relationship if they have enough fear of dying alone. Whether this requires giving up sexual fantasies, giving up booze, giving up your life to a career, giving up your standards, etc. Hell, even giving up your health and safety, for some women.

So if you're always seeking perfection and not finding it... Priorities...



stella41b -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 7:09:01 PM)

Much of the problem is to do with fear.. no matter whether it's fear of yourself, fear of someone else or fear of life.

Consider that quite a few people in this world are alone because they're wishing they were with someone they don't even know exists, and that quite a few people are also alone because they're wishing they weren't with a person they do know exists.

So what is it? Fear of yourself? Fear of others? Fear of the unknown? Of life? Of hurting others? Of being hurt?

Guess what? I'm sitting here alone today, and I'm alone because NONE of my relationships turned out to be that special one.

I'm someone who takes everything and everyone completely at face value. Tell me something and I'll believe you. Tell me who you are and I'll believe you. I'll trust you even. I'll believe something until I know it's not true. I'll trust someone and accept them until it reaches the point where they cannot be trusted and are unacceptable - few people have ever achieved that in my life.

This means I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I've failed many more times than I've ever succeeded. Been fooled a lot of times, fooled myself even more times, got hurt too, but all along I've learned, and I'm living for the times when I've succeeded, achieved, and been able to find enough happiness and love to share with other people.

I live differently to most other people, because of who I am, I follow my Soul, I'm prepared to follow my dreams wherever they may lead, even if they come to nothing. I'm here and living and breathing, and so is this world and so are other people and I want to share as much love and happiness as I can with other people because that is all I'm going to be leaving behind when I'm gone. This is all I've tried to leave behind in all my previous relationships and and I try my best to leave as much behind me throughout each and every day.

Doesn't matter whether it's online or not, the Internet is a tool for communication, it's a powerful one and one which can be used in oh so many ways to enrich your life offline. Only a few people are still struggling with that concept.

Shakespeare once wrote 'Anything can be good or bad, only thinking makes it so.' (off the top of my head) Looking for perfection for me is being afraid to live. None of us here are perfect, I'm certainly not, life certainly isn't, it's not meant to be, it's meant to be lived.



Aneirin -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 7:10:57 PM)

Maybe some people are meant to be partnerless, maybe not, I do think how one feels about it is to do with their outlook.I know sometimes too much positive thought will eventually lead to negative thought, I know that too well, the thought has crossed my mind on more than one occaision that I will be one of those to be partnerless, but then tell myself to think that is negative and negativity is no good for a person.I have resigned myself to think what happens will happen,which is neither negative nor positive.I just be myself,if there is anyone out there that can accept me for who I am,then maybe I can do the same.

I have had deep love and lost it and feel can I ever have the same again, I will wait and see.



MissSCD -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 8:08:03 PM)

To the OP:

Interesting topic.  
I used to sing gospel music, and the man who taught me to do this was very wise in things of this world.   I miss him very  much.  (gospel has nothing to do with my post other than that was the type of music he taught me so no religious war please)
He had a daughter who married and divorced.  His theroy was that some people are not meant to marry.  I have a theory that some are not meant for this lifestyle.  Maybe some force of some kind is keeping you away for a purpose.
When my divorce came a long, I could never forget his wise words which were not everyone is intended to be married.   Throw that into this lifestyle, and I say openly that not everyone is meant to be in it.  
Don't limit your search here.  Expand it a bit. 
Wish you all the best.

Regards, MissSCD



SugarMyChurro -> RE: Ever wonder if you just weren't supposed to connect? (10/16/2007 8:17:12 PM)

Nothing is written.

You choose your own level of participation.



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