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RE: The Littlest Things - 10/14/2007 10:03:01 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

So upshot is when Sir reminded me of this ban on public events i felt really, really hurt and reacted quite strongly almost bursting into tears. Trouble was i fully accepted His reasoning for this ban and even agree that until i can behave properly in public why should He take me anywhere?


It is likely temporary. Unlike the former Sir that took it to the next level 'banishment from public'.

Think of this as a form of corrective measure that parents have to do after a bad incident at the grocery store cashier's lineup.

Get a lollypop, do not open it, do not eat it.  It might remind you of the actual event yet calm you into knowing that it is a perhaps a necessary that you are not to behave the way you did.  Discuss with your Sir why you hold this candy.  You hold it with every good will and intention to learn proper behaviour that he advocates. Let it remind you that there is a time when you will be able to open it, a time to lick it and a time to rinse it off and wrap it back up for later.  When you are allowed to finish it off with one last joyful bite may be the time he allows you back into public scene. 

As childish as you behave, is how childish you are treated. 

A letter of apology to the collaring ceremony attendees is not out of the question either (if your behavior was noticed by them).

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/14/2007 11:00:55 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		If the past is in the present it is not the past. There often times, seems to me to be a trend to 'present' a good front. Like when I read a profile that says they have no baggage I dont believe them. At times it seems to me what is being peddled as advice feels like a bit of a smack and a lack of compassion as well. What is wrong with emotion? It is feeling. Sure we do not want to hurt ourselves or each other as much as possible. Sure, we would like to be as responsible as possible for our own stuff and not project it onto others. I like what Maya2001 had to say and her Dom sounds great to me, helping her along with her intense feelings. I get a bit nervous when I sense a kind of flippant attitude regarding emotions.

I also like what Tempting had to say. Our own stuff is our own stuff and there is really no amount of 'work' you can do to keep it at bay, or at a distance. At times it is going to unexpectedly make itself known when someone triggers you, like with the OP, getting triggered by something that happened with her Dom. It is not wrong for things to happen this way. Sure try to not dump on someone but also allow some acceptance, I feel, for things to surface that are not your everyday la la la existence where you may not feel even keel and on top of it, so to speak. Where intense emotions have a place to express as feelings and not always sought how to control them. Emotions contain information that the mind really cannot second guess all the time.

< Message edited by heartcream -- 10/14/2007 11:03:01 PM >

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 4:27:10 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		IMO, I think knowing about what we call baggage is okay, but using it may be detrimental.  We can only base who we are, what we are, how we think, how we react on our past experiences.  They are what created us as we are now.  To learn from them and to use them to move on is part of life.  If we keep dragging them around with us, though, it can hurt what we want to try.  A bad past situation should serve to help us learn what to do/not to do in the future.  But we can't let it colour our perspective of future relationships.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to heartcream)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 5:11:48 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		A very wise man once told me this:
There are two types of people in life, those that have problems and know it and deal with it the best they can and tell you I will make mistakes, I'm sorry, please be patient, I'm still working on it...and those that have problems and don't want to face it so point their fingers at the first ones and condemn them. 

I avoid the second type because you see, everyone has baggage, it's how you handle it that matters and it sounds like you are handling it the very best, honest way that you can right now.
l 

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 5:19:56 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I don't think it's possible to leave your baggage behind. I don't think it's possible to ever fully heal so that old issues never again arise.

I do think it's essential that you are honest with yourself as to the results of your history. And that you override the lust factor or familiarity factor when it comes to picking someone to be with.

Which means that if you have problems with abandonment, you take an eagle eye look at the guy you're suddenly attracted to, to make sure you aren't attracted to him because he's emotionally unavailable just like dear old dad. That you enter into any relationship based on healthy motives, and not to replicate old, unhealthy relationships in the vain hope you can get it right this time.

And more than that, it helps if you know that you have abandonment issues if you look for someone who has some of that himself and therefore wouldn't do it to you, because he doesn't want it done to him. Codependent? Maybe. A way not to have your old baggage come tumbling off the shelf and hit you in the head? Definitely.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 5:40:41 AM   
brattysarahjane


Posts: 36
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		Personally, i think everyone has a little bit of baggage.  The past makes us who we are today.  However, i do think that it is possible to work through that baggage.  Remember that you have a right to your feelings; they just are.  The trick is to work through the nasties so you have the tools to be able to turn those emotions into constructive actions, which you do have control over. 

A little mantra in my house is "Action not reaction." 

And talk with Your Master, if possible.  Let Him know that you feel ready to be taken into public again.  Maybe there is a task or test you could preform/do that would prove to Him that you are ready for this.  Perhaps you could start with something small like an hour at a club.

just my two cents.  hope it helps.

bratty sarah jane

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 5:44:32 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Burdening others with it is a turn off.


But surely that depends on what you class as burdening. Sir would have certainly noticed my bad reaction when i momentarily thought He was ashamed of me. However i reigned it in later and have corrected the thought. Is that burdening him, that moment of bad reaction? 


i wouldnt say so.  i have moments like that too.  wolf has never laid a hand on me in anger, and it took me over 10 years to overcome flinching when he's raised his voice at me.  why?  18 years of growing up, 10 years of first marriage.

i'm allowed to react.  at the same time, i also allow myself to say "THIS is not reacting to whats going on, its past memories affecting me".  wolf knows those things, and while it really hurt him...he understood.  (now i argue back!)

Daddy knows too...and soothes me when i panic.

kitten

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 6:25:34 AM   
rmanrr


Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings
Well said My woman. The past teaches us more about us and about how we view others, letting it influence unduly how we act presently is what is to be avoided I think, in order to prevent past mistakes being repeated. Life is after all a journey and knowing where we have been helps to guide us to where we are going.


_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 6:53:09 AM   
MstrDennynSlave


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

IMO, I think knowing about what we call baggage is okay, but using it may be detrimental.  We can only base who we are, what we are, how we think, how we react on our past experiences.  They are what created us as we are now.  To learn from them and to use them to move on is part of life.  If we keep dragging them around with us, though, it can hurt what we want to try.  A bad past situation should serve to help us learn what to do/not to do in the future.  But we can't let it colour our perspective of future relationships.


What you said about not letting it color our future relationships is right on the money.

Master knows that I come with baggage from a very abusive first marriage, as well as being sexually abused as a child. When we frist got together, we talked about everything I'd gone through as a child and in my first marriage. He told me he didnt want to cause me any flashbacks.

There has only been 2 times that I've had any flashbacks, and Master has apologized profusely both times. We talk about it, and I move on. Granted it has been hard, but with Master's love and support, I feel that I'm a much better person now. My baggage is in my past and with His help it is staying on the shelf.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 7:13:50 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Thank you for your replies so far

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MstrDennynSlave)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 7:18:59 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think it is impossible to check your baggage at the door.  We all have luggage we carry around and that luggage may be full of new clothes or old clothes that are clean but with a few stains unable to be removed or dirty clothes that have never been washed.

I've stated before that I don't care to bear the brunt of what someone else did to you...nor am I looking to be your therapist.  I want to be your dominant and your confidante and your partner but I do not want to be the one held responsible for feelings way out of proportion to something I have done to you or for fixing those feelings completely.

That doesn't mean I run away when those feelings rear their ugly head...hell, if we have made it to the age of 25, I think most of us are going to find that it is not all new clothes in our bags anymore.  As a dominant, I think it is my job to understand and accept the responsibilities that come with the position and to have the knowledge that, because I control aspects of my submissive's life, I am going to do things to her or with her that may indeed trigger past events recollection.  How she deals, or has dealt, with her past is what is important.  Is it still unresolved and only hidden away or has she taken at least some of the appropriate steps in dealing with it?  Introspection...therapy if need be...etc..  When it rears its head in our relationship, is she open enough...as missturbation was...to see that what was going on was not her dominant's fault but that indeed, his actions were only a trigger for feelings created by another in her life?  A situation like this is easier to deal with and responds much more readily to support from me, caring from me, help from me and whoever I send her to than a situation that is still ugly and unresolved and unlooked at (except to still be blaming the other party solely for what happened and for what it has done to you).

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 8:02:25 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		do not judge someone by their baggage.  until you have walked in their shoes. Some of us has went through horros that would make anyone crazy.  We always Judge someone by the worst they are never the best.  Wither it be looks. education Fincial. We all judge how stupid is that. But then again we are only human

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 9:24:35 AM   
lonlyrossInNeed


Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with  rafe .

puppy
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Very good, we can have all of the baggage we like.

Burdening others with it is a turn off.


_____________________________

To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 9:37:22 AM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline 		We all have baggage.
 
The important thing to find out:
"Is it a matching set"?
 
          


(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The Littlest Things - 10/15/2007 3:18:58 PM   
goober


Posts: 32
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline 		I think having baggage is acceptable, but being of sound mind to be able to recognise it, deal, learn and then move on from it is the important part.

When someone is to submit, they also submit any baggage, and as part of being an understanding D, it's important to recognise them, and nurture the s to grow no?

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)
Profile   Post #: 35
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