The Littlest Things

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missturbation -> The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 5:51:16 PM)
'Just do me a favour and check your baggage at the door.' I think we all have times where we have a convo with someone and for some unknown reason at the time it really upsets us more than it should. Most of the time i shrug that reaction off and just forget it, but a convo i had with Sir recently left me with after thoughts of my hurt. We were talking about having an outing somewhere and Sir reminded me that at present He will not go anywhere public with me. By this i mean go to clubs, events, parties, weddings etc etc. I showed Him up at a friends collaring ceremony, generally behaved really floopily and ignored basic requests He had made of me. So upshot is when Sir reminded me of this ban on public events i felt really, really hurt and reacted quite strongly almost bursting into tears. Trouble was i fully accepted His reasoning for this ban and even agree that until i can behave properly in public why should He take me anywhere? After a long think i realised that my reaction was 'baggage'! In another relationship i had felt that my ex Dom was ashamed of me and was hiding our relationship away. I guess hearing Sir say He would not take me anywhere brought this back for a brief time. Thinking about it now i can of course rationally see that it was an over reaction on my part and that Sir is not ashamed of me. He is teaching me that i can't get away with bad behaviour in public etc etc and i know when he thinks i am ready He will take me out. Anyway to get to the point of this thread i was then thinking about threads i have seen here before about baggage. How 'baggage' is generally frowned upon and seen as a bad thing. Now of course i agree that there is a limit to how much baggage a person can carry or put up with a person carrying. But i also believe that all of us carry some, and its how we deal with it that counts. For me personally i carry very little (that i know of), but what i do carry occasionally rears its ugly head. Things such as someone being ashamed of me as i mentioned above, the cane (bad experience with a misplaced thwack) and abandonment issues which i wont expand on. When baggage does rear its head i can think on my reaction and rationalise that my feelings of worry, fear and hurt are misplaced. I put that baggage right back away and forget it. The feelings are just one of those little things that can take me there (baggage city) and yes its unfair on all concerned when i react badly, but i can deal and do. So really where baggage is concerned, is a little allowed? Is it the way we deal with it when baggage city raises its head that counts? Or is really the bad thing it is generally portrayed as and should we not carry any? Edited - well because i can [:D] Edited again to make sense [:)]

Celeste43 -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:08:41 PM)
Everybody has baggage. The trick is that your issues match. In general we go on day by day and suddenly that issue you thought you had dealt with comes out again. You examine it, discover what triggered it, see if you can get over it or if you need to avoid it, and then pack it back up and stick it back on the shelf.

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:14:23 PM)
Very good, we can have all of the baggage we like. Burdening others with it is a turn off.[&:]

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:19:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Burdening others with it is a turn off.[&:] But surely that depends on what you class as burdening. Sir would have certainly noticed my bad reaction when i momentarily thought He was ashamed of me. However i reigned it in later and have corrected the thought. Is that burdening him, that moment of bad reaction?

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:25:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Burdening others with it is a turn off.[&:] But surely that depends on what you class as burdening. Sir would have certainly noticed my bad reaction when i momentarily thought He was ashamed of me. However i reigned it in later and have corrected the thought. Is that burdening him, that moment of bad reaction? To burden is, to try and transfer a thing you refuse to deal with yourself. A weak and selfish thing to do to another human. Did you feel you did this? If not, then I would not worry. I want to abide with a person in the pleasure garden-not the concentration camp.

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:32:11 PM)
Momentarily yes i probably did. Im not worried about it though. It was a natural reaction in my opinion to a bad prior experience that caused it, it happens.

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:33:34 PM)
But you own that it is yours, rather than blaming it on others. Those who do not give power to others-for so long as they commit crimes against themselves.

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:35:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe But you own that it is yours, rather than blaming it on others. I never asked for ownership of baggage. I don't blame anyone for it in the slightest. Where did i point a finger? Those who do not give power to others-for so long as they commit crimes against themselves. Sorry that doesn't make sense.

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:38:32 PM)
Here is the deal, you admit that the past is past-nothing can change it. You stop living there, you move on. It's a choice, one that requires backbone to make. You KNOW what it is, but it is not used as an EXCUSE.

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:42:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Here is the deal, you admit that the past is past-nothing can change it. You stop living there, you move on. It's a choice, one that requires backbone to make. You KNOW what it is, but it is not used as an EXCUSE. Ok lol. I have moved on and i have a very healthy relationship. However i see the odd baggage city moment as kind of like a flashback. Would you tell someone having flashbacks of a traumatic event to grow a backbone and move on? Not sure what your last line means just as your last line in the last post made no sense to me either.

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:46:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe Here is the deal, you admit that the past is past-nothing can change it. You stop living there, you move on. It's a choice, one that requires backbone to make. You KNOW what it is, but it is not used as an EXCUSE. Ok lol. I have moved on and i have a very healthy relationship. However i see the odd baggage city moment as kind of like a flashback. Would you tell someone having flashbacks of a traumatic event to grow a backbone and move on? Not sure what your last line means just as your last line in the last post made no sense to me either. A flash back isn't the same as being a pain in the ass. One is understandable, the other incomprehensible.

RosesHaveThorns -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:48:43 PM)
Just try to find someone without baggage. And tell me if you find such a thing. What matters is not that it exists, but how it is dealt with. Which can depend on the severity of the event(s) that caused it, and how it was triggered. However, it may be that triggers should be avoided, through I'm not sure how that will work in this case, as it seems like you agree to the reason for the punishment. Perhaps a comprimise in the future that you get to come along to public events, but you are collared, gagged, blind folded and sit for most of it? Or that, as punishment, you go out(Say, to a grocery store) in a very uncomfortable outfit(but still legal), told to only speak when neceasary, and with a master's mark on yourself. However, getting over baggage, depending on serverity, will take time for everyone. And pushing yourself, but not to the point of panic or despair, but a definite push nonetheless.

RRafe -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:51:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RosesHaveThorns Just try to find someone without baggage. And tell me if you find such a thing. What matters is not that it exists, but how it is dealt with. Which can depend on the severity of the event(s) that caused it, and how it was triggered. However, it may be that triggers should be avoided, through I'm not sure how that will work in this case, as it seems like you agree to the reason for the punishment. Perhaps a comprimise in the future that you get to come along to public events, but you are collared, gagged, blind folded and sit for most of it? Or that, as punishment, you go out(Say, to a grocery store) in a very uncomfortable outfit(but still legal), told to only speak when neceasary, and with a master's mark on yourself. However, getting over baggage, depending on serverity, will take time for everyone. And pushing yourself, but not to the point of panic or despair, but a definite push nonetheless. yes,things that are indulged are reenforced. The only way to break the viscious cycle is to own that they were, but need not continue to BE. And excercising new behaviors to quit doing the old. THAT is what takes back bone-forging ahead out of the fog.

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:52:57 PM)
Where does being a pain in the ass come in to this? Where did i come across as being a pain in the ass with this? Why do your replies make no sense in context to what i have said or asked? [8\|]

missturbation -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 6:59:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RosesHaveThorns Just try to find someone without baggage. And tell me if you find such a thing. Thats my thought too. What matters is not that it exists, but how it is dealt with. Which can depend on the severity of the event(s) that caused it, and how it was triggered. Agreed. However, it may be that triggers should be avoided, through I'm not sure how that will work in this case, as it seems like you agree to the reason for the punishment. I do yes. I dont think it will actually reoccur now i have thought on it and realise the feeling of hurt was baggage and not valid. Perhaps a comprimise in the future that you get to come along to public events, but you are collared, gagged, blind folded and sit for most of it? Or that, as punishment, you go out(Say, to a grocery store) in a very uncomfortable outfit(but still legal), told to only speak when neceasary, and with a master's mark on yourself. Thank you for the suggestions. I'm quite happy though to just wait for Sir to feel i am ready to be taken out again. However, getting over baggage, depending on serverity, will take time for everyone. And pushing yourself, but not to the point of panic or despair, but a definite push nonetheless. I think this was just a case of momentary flashback, a bit like de ja vu lol. Don't think it will be a reoccuring issue.

Maya2001 -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 7:08:53 PM)
In my last relationship something that occured that triggered a flashback for me which had me in tears , the scene was stopped and my dom asked what happened and we ended up having a good discussion about it, neither of us ended up viewing it as a negative, for him it gave him more insight about me and things that I had been thru in the past as he said it is helpful for him in understanding me and he wanted me to know also I should not be ashamed for bursting into tears as it was a natural reaction and that I also had nothing to apologize for , for me that discussion was a powerful trust building experience and the problem never again reared it's ugly head with him again, because between the 2 of us we dealt with it and got it out of the way, and did not just sweep it under the carpet.

CutieMouse -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 7:57:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation Where does being a pain in the ass come in to this? Where did i come across as being a pain in the ass with this? Why do your replies make no sense in context to what i have said or asked? [8\|] I'm reading his comments in a generic "you" sense, not a personalized "you" sense... As for my baggage - it's present, accounted for, and properly stored in a matching set of vintage hard side alligator luggage, complete with train case and steamer trunk. [:D] That is to say, I am aware that I am (in part) a product of my history - both good and bad; however, it is my responsibility to properly deal with it. If maintain a responsible attitude towards my "baggage", it should have little impact on current and future relationships; my awareness enables me to deal with the rare "luggage explosion" in a reasonable and mature fashion.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 9:05:20 PM)
The baggage you are aware of and know to have a triggering point, that explain a certain reaction to a given event is baggage that is dealt with and put aside as you did..I worry sometimes though, of those unknown hidden bags, the ones where at the time of there happening made you think no big deal,,but later comes to rear its ugly head , and confuses the heck out of you as to its existence..Tempting

junecleaver -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 9:32:50 PM)
quote: So really where baggage is concerned, is a little allowed? Is it the way we deal with it when baggage city raises its head that counts? Or is really the bad thing it is generally portrayed as and should we not carry any? A friend told me the other day that, 'We deal with people as they are, not as they should be.' However, I'm not nearly as tolerant or kind as them. I expect people to be respectably close to who they 'should' be if they want to be a part of my life. I would not date a Dominant who had a bunch of baggage. I'm not sure if baggage is 'a bad thing' but I'm not comfortable allowing someone to be in charge of my life when they are still struggling to control their past. But my Dominant is an amazingly positive, baggage light individual, so it's not something I worry about. I have tried very hard to avoid baggage. But whatever I have collected, my Dominant wants to be a part of it. The final walls he has to knock down are the ones I have built up to control those painful experiences. Letting him into that part of me has not and will not be easy. Maybe it's not so much baggage as private pain I'm just not ready to share. But it has definitely weighted down parts of our relationship. We made a huge step this weekend which was very uncomfortable for me and really satisfying for him. I'm glad that he accepts my slightly damaged bits along with the rest of me. But I don't think he would have developed a relationship with someone who was bogged down with the baggage of their poor choices or too high maintence because of past experiences.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: The Littlest Things (10/14/2007 9:47:48 PM)
I don't have a negative view on baggage- I just know what baggage I can and can't carry and get turned off by people who a) don't recognize those limits b) allow their baggage to carry them c) don't make any effort to control their baggage intake For me a good relationship is about choosing matching luggage and being able to share the load, even hopefully lighten it over time :)

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