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Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:16:11 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

A male of my aquaintance, less than a year ago, tried to top me & could not, did not know how. He was always broke & whining about it. After a friend reported that he was at a swingers club, approaching coupels, did i confront him & find that he was looking for a woman to keep him that he just wanted to have as many women as he could.

Now he is on here, claiming to be a Dom with 20 years experience and has some poor newbie utterly confused, except for the certainty that he loves her.

So what is our responsibility to new people? Ones we don't know? Warn them or let them find out for themselves?

Post #: 1

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:26:35 PM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

My question is if this person is over the age of consent then it is there choice to make. Also how do we know you’re the one being truthful. I don’t personally know you so… Also if this “newbie” is just new to the site doesn’t mean they aren’t new to life.

People on here are adults and allowed to make their own mistakes.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 2

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:30:29 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLegs

A male of my aquaintance, less than a year ago, tried to top me & could not, did not know how. He was always broke & whining about it. After a friend reported that he was at a swingers club, approaching coupels, did i confront him & find that he was looking for a woman to keep him that he just wanted to have as many women as he could.

Now he is on here, claiming to be a Dom with 20 years experience and has some poor newbie utterly confused, except for the certainty that he loves her.

So what is our responsibility to new people? Ones we don't know? Warn them or let them find out for themselves?

Your responsability is to yourself.

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 3

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:35:22 PM

mytruth2u

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

I am new myself and already got a little burned. I would have appreciated a warning if i was in her situation. If she is a newbie and if her first experience is with a Dom like that it might scare her away from the lifestyle altogether. If it wasn’t for some really nice people that helped me threw the bad time with my first Dom i might not be here either. :-)

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 4

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:38:02 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I was once in a situation where two friends were having a sexual relationship with the same man and he was telling each of them they were the only one. These were longterm friends. I pondered which do I tell? Do I tell? In the end, I decided to wait and they found it out for themselves. My reasoning was that they are both mature adults and making them see something that I found offensive as true isn't really my position.

For me at least, I think the same reasoning applies here. If the guy was saying he was HIV negative and I knew he was positive, it might be different, but lying about experience level, I think unfortunately this "newbie" is going to have to learn for themselves eventually without guidance how to sort it out, because it's very common.
l

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 5

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:46:45 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon

My question is if this person is over the age of consent then it is there choice to make. Also how do we know you’re the one being truthful. I don’t personally know you so… Also if this “newbie” is just new to the site doesn’t mean they aren’t new to life.

People on here are adults and allowed to make their own mistakes.

Oh good. I'd prefer to sit back & watch, I just felt a little guilty about it

(in reply to SunNMoon)

Post #: 6

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:52:56 PM

RainierBeach

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Usually people know what they should do, and what they want to do. They just need to be reaasured when what they want to do, is in conflict with what they should do.
However if what you think you should do is based on some societal opinion, and not based on your own code, ignore that thought completely.

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 7

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:56:36 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

i would tell her only first hand experience...not what you heard about....and then leave it up to her to make an informed decision....i consider it ethical to tell other people your personal negative experiences with an individual....it boundary becomes shakey when are relating second hand stories to people and is just plain gossip when it is a thirdhand story and beyond, in my opinion....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 8

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 8:57:28 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLegs

A male of my aquaintance, less than a year ago, tried to top me & could not, did not know how. He was always broke & whining about it. After a friend reported that he was at a swingers club, approaching coupels, did i confront him & find that he was looking for a woman to keep him that he just wanted to have as many women as he could.

Now he is on here, claiming to be a Dom with 20 years experience and has some poor newbie utterly confused, except for the certainty that he loves her.

So what is our responsibility to new people? Ones we don't know? Warn them or let them find out for themselves?

Why is it always 20 or 30 or 10 when people make this stuff up? Why cant people use something that sounds a little less manufactured like 17 or 13 or 7 plus 6 months?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 9

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:00:21 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainierBeach

Usually people know what they should do, and what they want to do. They just need to be reaasured when what they want to do, is in conflict with what they should do.
However if what you think you should do is based on some societal opinion, and not based on your own code, ignore that thought completely.

Well, as it was pointed out. there is no reason for a stranger to beleive me and there is the possibility it would have the opposite effect. It is better to leave her to her own choices.

Good intentions are not always enough

(in reply to RainierBeach)

Post #: 10

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:03:38 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

Smiles @ Rabbit

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 11

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:06:34 PM

Synocense

Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

Here is a different take on the topic ...

The problem with not being honest about your experience level is, not only has the potential to put another person at mental/emotional risk, but positively a physical risk too. In 20 years a person can gain ALOT of knowledge about bdsm - books, websites and a few 'partners' is no substitution for trial and error. I would not be willing to sit back and watch a trainwreck waiting to happen. What would happen if you went to him instead of her and told him that you are not comfortable knowing that he is lying and potentially putting someone else's safety at risk?

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 12

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:18:52 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

The problem with that Synocense is that in my experience there are more liars on the personals than people that are real and honest. Are you going to follow this unknown person around and monitor all their conversations with prospective partners? Are you going to follow around all newbies, because most of them are being lied to, new profiles are like hamburger meat to starving wolves to these guys.

Are we assuming this unknown apparently adult person isn't intelligent enough to figure things out on their own? Being submissive doesn't mean they need help, being new doesn't mean being stupid. We can't follow everyone newbie around as much as we'd like to see them not fall prey to pretenders.
I have a line in my profile saying I will give advice or point out resources to those that ask and are new. I'm not sure there's much else you can do.
l

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 10/6/2007 9:19:36 PM >

(in reply to Synocense)

Post #: 13

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:31:31 PM

LadyLegs

Posts: 176
Status: offline

As much as I would like to help people avoid pain (not caused by me) I think those that say it is futile are right.

Perhaps this man is actually a master of Florentine flogging and just chose not to share that with me.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 14

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 9:34:24 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

The thing that sticks in my craw though, (about newbies.) is that alot of them don't seem to be using their common sense. It works the same way whether your 'lifestyle' or vanilla. Do Research!!! ask people online what websites they go to. (specify non porn/erotic stories sites. great viewing/reading but not really useful for research.) And take everything that people say with a grain of salt, ( or a whole truckload if ya have to!) at least til you can tell the posers from the real timers. I mean we got this great tool for research, (internet) so use it! lol. sorry for the rant.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 15

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 10:29:50 PM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLegs

A male of my aquaintance, less than a year ago, tried to top me & could not, did not know how. He was always broke & whining about it. After a friend reported that he was at a swingers club, approaching coupels, did i confront him & find that he was looking for a woman to keep him that he just wanted to have as many women as he could.

Now he is on here, claiming to be a Dom with 20 years experience and has some poor newbie utterly confused, except for the certainty that he loves her.

And how would you know this for a fact?

quote:

So what is our responsibility to new people? Ones we don't know? Warn them or let them find out for themselves?

The last thing a place like this needs is an underground rumour mill.

What happens if you tell her, and she asks him about it (which anyone would do when contacted by a stranger with such accusations)?

If he tells her you're just a disgruntled ex who hasn't finished obsessing about him, is stalking him, etc, what then?

And how do you know that what he told you on one occassion still applies? Perhaps he's changed his thoughts about it. Perhaps this is the real deal.

quote:

I'd prefer to sit back & watch ...

And how will you manage that? And why waste your time doing it?

What are his life, his actions and decisions to you?

Something about this just doesn't feel right.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 16

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 11:02:14 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

you term your post "ethics question" ....you already know what to do, and your not doing it.

if you get a chance to check out a presenter named Master Skip, check out what he says about right action.ill nut shell it for you..you dont serve her, him the world or yourself by playing safe.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 17

RE: Ethics Question - 10/6/2007 11:22:31 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I had the same darn situation occur in June-ish of this year. A guy I was previously with, in person, for mere months on and off, mostly off (non-dom, who never heard of D/s before I met him).
He knew I came here to CM and started with one profile, dumb enough to not know about the new feature of 'whos viewing me' and knowing his age, sex, location, heigh, weight, I wrote him to tell him ..omg wat are you doing here? After a few weeks of telling him off, he left. Days later, again, a new name, same idiotic details, I write, he deletes profile. By the third one, he has a profile that includes telling of his experience with nipple torture. Knowing that I was his ONLY bdsm knowledge (and at that, we did very LITTLE) I knew he was bull$hitting and didn't find it humorous at all, not to mention DANGEROUS. So, I wrote again, to this person I suspected was him and voila, he knew my name,knew it was me and told me he wrote that because 'I had seen clothes pins at a store and I 'GIGGLED' and refered to them being used in a kink-sense. OMFG. He actually decided that he was experienced because of that?? Yep, I asked him just that. After another kinips$it of me telling him off he again left, created 3 more profiles and learned now to lay low and change a few details so I wouldn't know it is him. Are people THAT creepy? YES. What can you do about it? sigh, nothing.

I have decided that if someone chooses to believe him (no he is not a serial killer by any means, just a lifetime bullshitter) then so be it. If she ends up loving him, fine. If she ends up hurt (via disappointment) then oh well, she just happened to believe a liar. I am on the fence with it all if she is not a close friend and available for me to disclose reality to her, I don't think putting myself out on a limb to save another is a position I want to be in.

Love is buyer beware. Is ok with me if he is gone elsewhere, he was cheap anyways LOL.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 18

xx - 10/7/2007 1:11:59 AM

Pheremones

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

xxx

< Message edited by Pheremones -- 10/7/2007 1:13:38 AM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 19

RE: Ethics Question - 10/7/2007 2:08:44 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Another way to look at it: what if she were your best friend? or your friend's daughter? Would you warn her or leave her to her own devices? She can always just delete, block if she doesn't want to hear.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to LadyLegs)

Post #: 20

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