velvetpetal
Posts: 127
Joined: 2/3/2005
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Sophia,
I am sorry to read what you are going through with your mom.
My own mother died 14 months ago, after having spent aprox 10 years in a nursing home.
She died from a hereditary disease called huntingtons.
About a year before she died, i'd gone for a visit, and while there asked the nurses some questions i'd had, but mostly they didnt have answers. They left a message with her doctor that i wanted to talk to him, but instead of calling me he called my second oldest sister, whom was her medical proxy, and told her he refused to talk to me, and that i'd been causing problems, and if i didnt stop, my mother could be kicked out of the nursing home.
This was mostly over the subject of some test results i wanted from several years back, but also concerning having a feeding tube inserted. Both that sister, and my oldest sister decided that they didnt want the feeding tube inserted, which i didnt agree with.
So i had wanted the doctor to know some of their concerns for not wanting the tube, which i knew were unfounded fears. Anyways he didnt care to hear anything i had to say, and after being called a troublemaker, amongst other mean things, by my two oldest sisters, i stopped all communication with them. And for that year, i didnt talk to either of my two eldest sisters.
Fast forward to a year later, that sister called and said i needed to come to the nursing home, that things werent looking good with my mom. So i picked up my third oldest sister,and my younger brother,and we met my two eldest sisters there.
Two days or so before this date, my mother went under the care of Hospice, which against what you said, is not simply meant for cancer patients, but for anyone that is beginning the process of dying. For some, this means they are under the care of Hospice for months and months, and for some,like my mother only days.It is impossible to acurately predict when death is going to occur, but Hospice is called in when time is drawing close.
There ARE natural signs that everyone whom is dying show. They dont show all, in every case, but usually they show SOME of those signs. For my mother, for instance, she stopped eating. She was fed by a nurse everyday, so when she stopped eating, it was that whatever food was offered, was vomited. Along with pursed lips..she just wouldnt eat anymore.
Most of the time these signs can be explained away from other causes, which makes it often difficult for family to accept. Me, for example...i found it hard to not think maybe it was stomach flu...something...anything...but at least try to feed her again!
Those feelings really became concentrated when she hadnt been eating anything for days. i tried to get them to try feeding her, but the Hospice nurse explained to me that when a body is shutting down, it no longer needs nor wants food. So all we were permitted was water soaked on a mouth swab.
Dying didnt take long for my mother, but my whole family later agreed, it was done exactly like it was planned, and couldnt have been more perfect.
That first day after being called to come..my third oldest sister, her daughter, and i agreed to spend the whole night there with her, first to spend time with her..to say goodbye..but to also make sure she was watched all night long, so to ensure her oxygen mask didnt slip off.
Next late morning, we left to get some sleep, while the two oldest sisters stayed, but were called back after only a few hours rest,because a Hospice nurse had given them a pamplet on signs of eminent death. One of those signs was fingers going blue..apparently my mothers fingers were blue...so we all drove back down.
She seemed fine when we got there,and after an hour or so, the two oldest sisters left,with the promise that they would come back that night, and spend that night with her.
We again left that night after one of the sisters arrived for the night shift, and drove back home. The sister that arrived used the time alone, before the oldest was to arrive..to talk to my mom.. Things like... about it being okay to let go..go into the light when she sees it...That her mother and father and brother were already "there" waiting for her...that once she was gone...she would be free to come visit any of us.. her children.. anytime she wanted.
Repeating things like this over and over to my mom in the hour before the other sister arrived. When my two oldest sisters were there finally..after the second arrived..within minutes..my mom let go.
I know this all seems about me, but i do have a few things to say to you, coming from a person that has gone through it..and i hope it helps.
By no means do i wish to make it seem that i think every death happens or should happen like this..but i think it was a natural death..i think she controled the final moment, to be what SHE wanted the final moment to be.. that she choose the minute she died, to die.
My mother, in suffering the effects of huntingtons..especially in her last 6 years of life or so was unable to talk, unable to walk..unable to feed herself..unable to do anything for herself at all. Living life confined to a specially padded chair..or bed.
She too, wouldnt have wanted to see herself like THAT. Part of me believes that she choose to live like that..though..for her OWN reasons...probably for her children, probably for a chance for things like forgiving to occur...for the things she did.
Anyways, what i am trying to say, is that you dont have the power to decide FOR her..nor the powers of prediction...to know exactly when the moment comes for your mom to die.
Planning a last "anything"(christmas) is a big mistake. Your mom will likely choose her own Year,month,week,day,hour,minute..to die her own death.
Bring your mom back home...if you wish, but please please please understand before you do, that you may have years and years to be a caregiver for her..with all that that includes. You need to stop thinking her death is eminent..and realize it just may NOT be..and can you deal with the reponsibilities of caring for her at home?
Simply because a person cannot feed themself on their own does not mean that they dont still NEED to be fed.. If death is eminent.. her body will take over in deciding if it doesnt need food anymore. Its not a choice you can legally make.The difference between /starving to death.. because she cant feed herself.. /against/ the natural process of dying with the body refusing food/..is HUGE..
I know you are having difficulities with the idea that a nursing home will keep her alive for forever, but trust me, when it is time to GO...there usually isnt a thing any nurse at a nursing home can do to stop it. They must first abide by any wishes your mother included in a living will..or as a last resort. abide by your wishes...usually given to a doctor she is in the care of..to not do things to extend life.
My final bit of advice..before doing ANYTHING..is to find out the legalities further, because i am somewhat disturbed with the info you have shared here about what is legal.
And nothing would be worse,in my opinion, then for a well intentioned daughter to get herself in legal trouble.
Anyways...give your mom a hug and kiss, you are lucky to still have her.
~vel
*****edited to break it up some to be easier to read
< Message edited by velvetpetal -- 10/3/2007 11:28:46 AM >
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When love beckons to you, follow Him,Though His ways are hard and steep.
~~ from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran
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RE: Time for Mom to die - 
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