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Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 8:51:04 AM

sophia37

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My mother, age 85, is in residential care at the moment. Last friday she broke her leg. Nobodies fault but hers, so not the issue. The issue is, shes pretty well lost her cookies. To the point where if she could see herself, she would be disgusted. All doped up, mentally vancant and unable to care for her own basic bodily needs and functions.

And here I am, the person whos meant to watch out for her best interests, allowing her to be something akin to a screaming mushroom on a log. I am now painfully aware that could she see whats shes become, she would be telling me this was no way to live. And so, I am thinking that at the end of Novemember, I'd like to bring her home to die. Im certain she wont last long because without great effort, she is not even interested in eating. She needs insulin to survive as well.

The reason Im writing is that I'd like to see if I could bring her home, take her off the heavy tranquilizers, get her mind going just a bit, maybe show her pictures of her life, and give her a final Xmas with family. At first I wondered if such a thing weas allowed. But after talking to family this morning, it may be Im allowed to bring her home. I just think of Jack Kevorkian when thoughts of dying arise. For some reason I thought I'd go to jail if I wasnt keeping her alive by any means.

My question to all of you is, can you link me to some sites where I can start my reading on end of life issues and organizations that I can look at for helpful advice. I've never been in charge of someones death before and I admit, I feel a little overwhelmed. So any ideas and suggestions would be greatly welcome. I thank you muchly for your help in advance. xo Sophia

Post #: 1

RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 8:53:40 AM

mistoferin

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sophia, a great place to start would be with your local Hospice organization.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:00:31 AM

MsBearlee

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Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did some fine work in this area. She wrote several books which you might be interested in reading. Even just Googling her name will take you to some supportive places...

And yes...talk to the hospital where she is about hospice care; it can be done at home.

I wish you well on this difficult journey,
Beverly

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This one, as well!

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:01:13 AM

Twicehappy2x

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Joined: 3/27/2007
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Sophia, i was an in home hospice nurse. If you like email me on the other side, give me your area and i'll find you links to the good organizations in your area.

You should also contact your local Area Agency on Aging. Often hospices services are provided free of charge through Medicare or the state, or at a greatly reduced fee depending on your mother's income.

Bathing her, giving you a respite visit so you can go shopping, coordinating her meds, general light housekeeping and grief counseling are just a few of the services available to you from a well run hospice service.

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The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:08:16 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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My heart goes out to you on this very hard situation. My gram is developing demetia- and it is no fun. hugs

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:12:39 AM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

Sophia,

my heart goes out to you. my Master and i were faced with the same agonizing decision just a few months ago. His mother suffered a bad stroke, in her bedroom, on a Saturday morning and when they wheeled her out on the stretcher, i had the painful thought that she would never again see her home or her beloved dog.

For three weeks, she lay in a hospital room, in and out of relative consciouness and alertness. Some days were good and it gave Uus hope that she might recover enough to be able to come home to die in her surroundings, just like her husband had been able to do 13 years ago, with home health aide and hospice care. i wanted so badly to be able to bring her home.

She never got well enough and, thankfully, the hospital she was in had a hospice ward, that was able to take her in. my Master and i were able to stay with her, in her room and in the adjoining room, for her final 6 days on earth. That was the best place for her and for Uus, because she got excellent, around-the-clock medical care and the staff took very good care of Uus, as well.

If you can get her into a hospice care facility, that is my recommendation. Trying to care for a dying loved one at home is very difficult and stressful. But, at the very least, do call your local hospice and talk with them. They are very good people to talk to.

Wishing you and yours peace and comfort.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:14:16 AM

sophia37

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I think part of the problem for me is that Im walking into a situation where the general concept is, how to keep her alive, instead of how to let her die with dignity. I mean, if she deosnt want to be moved and doesnt want to eat...maybe its time to NOT move her and let her NOT eat. Is this really so bad?

I'm feeling resistance from her caregiver. I also felt resistance from the hospital to taking her home. They wanted to put her in a full nursing home and let her be a shell of a body in a bed. Is there no other way?

On the other hand, the assisted living home is also telling me, I am the one who will drive her 100 miles round trip back to the dr so he can look at her leg cast. This is a woman who I'd have to lift and tuck into a car front seat while she kicks and screams and hits. She weighs 150 I weigh 130. To me this is a problem. Theres just no way!

Truthfully it would be a blessing should her broken leg go bad and she die of it. Of all the things to pray for. Its very hard sometimes for me. Yet, maybe she has a will to live, simply because shes still alive! Modern medicine. What joy. Of all the things Ive needed to decide for people, this one sticks out as the hardest. Yet Ive done it for my animals and it was considered kind. You cant let your dog suffer. So why do we let human beings suffer?

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:21:20 AM

slavegirljoy

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From: North Carolina, USA
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sophia,

Here are a few sites you can get info about the dying process and about Hospice care.

http://www.hospicefoundation.org/endOfLifeInfo/
http://www.hospicenet.org/
http://www.stvincent.org/ourservices/hospice/preparing/default.htm
http://www.hospicefoundation.org/

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to sophia37)

Post #: 8

RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:25:50 AM

sophia37

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I think Slave girl, the difference is, that your mom in law went quick, and my Mom is taking her own sweet time of it. She wont die in a hospital setting if shes made to eat or take meds. So she cant go to hospice care. This I know. Or this I think, from what Im reading from Hospice right now. They say meds are important. Well so fine. I guess I'll call a hospice but right now Im truly wary.

If she cant really know what shes saying, then its ME allowing her to die. It is but it isnt natural. Hospitals wouldnt just not, NOT give her insulin if she tried to smack their hands away. They would tie her or hold her down by force and administer it.

So I very much feel like Dr Kevorkian. I know if she says, dont test my blood sugar! Dont give me any more shots! That the people around her do it anyway! And while Im not say, hooking her up to a machine and giving her car exhaust to kill her, I am say, withholding something that keeps her going becuase she yells to get away, but without knowing what shes really saying. I've got till the end of Novemeber to think this through and get as much info as possible. And research it I will. I have to be so sure of myself. So sure what Im doing is right.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:27:52 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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gosh- this brings back memories of my dad passing. One minute he was going to live- the next he was doomed. after months of this- one had the thought- what ever is to happen lets get on with it. He was 42 when he passed. It was not pleasant seeing him shrivvel away- be in a coma, and all that. It was very taxing - then of course after he passed- the family fought like heck for a number of years.

To the OP; if you dont have the inheritance matter straightened out- maybe try to get it straightened out now. It sounds tacky but no one is in the right frame of mind when greiving.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:28:26 AM

sophia37

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Thank you slave girl, I will go to those sites. And I will listen very very carefully to everyone who responds to this thread. No doubt. I'll give it all of today to let the replies post. That to me is the best way to start this.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:29:31 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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ummm. a patient MAY refuse meds or treatment at any time.

a living will might have spelled it out clearly.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:39:10 AM

LadyEllen

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From: Stourport-England
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Cant say much Sophia, apart from I hope you can get it all straightened out as to what needs to be, and dont forget yourself in all this - which is easy to do I understand.

I remember a TV programme over here a few months back which dealt with similar situations - doctors trying to keep people alive, avoiding the inevitable by way of continued medication and treatment which only prolonged suffering. There was a very good team in the one situation, giving palliative care and led by a specialist doctor in this field; he would analyse the treatments and adjust them so that suffering was minimal and the inevitable could happen with as much comfort and dignity as possible for his patients. I wonder if there is someone like this whom you could contact?

E

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:41:56 AM

sophia37

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Joined: 2/7/2006
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You are right hunkboy. These are all the considerations I must wade thru and get straight before dec 1st. Her final finances, burial and death issues. I dont have cremation places or anything in place as of yet. I do have me as her POA and the um, oh whats that paper the hospital has you sign when its you that makes the final desicions on a person care. My name is on that as well. But she didnt write out that she wanted to have the plug pulled. She only told me so verbally. So its kinda hard to prove.

I just know whats right. Or maybe I dont know whats right. But it'll come to me soon enough.Unless she dies tomorrow, which she probably wont. Nusring homes are good at one thing for sure. Keeping people from dying.

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Post #: 14

RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:57:07 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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One can get a free creamation if the body is donated to science- they use it as practice for medical students. the ashes tho are intermixed- if you want exclusively -only her ashes there is some charge. burials are VERY expensive these days.

then there is state law. in PA, if one dies w/o a will the state takes the assets. not so in IL, and other states.

This is a hard matter to face- and sooner or later everyone must deal with the whole thing about dieing. we dont talk about it- we sweep it under a rug.

i recall how masty my family and myself was- i dont wish that on anyone. when i cant function, then i hope to quietly die in my sleep.

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 9:58:59 AM

pahunkboy

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http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/43844/donating_your_body_why_and_how.html

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 10:25:20 AM

spankmepink11

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I'm sorry you're dealing with this Sophia, but i can appreciate your point of view here. My mother has made it abundantly clear , verbally and in writing, that she will not be maintained in any sort of vegetative state nor one that prohibits quality of life. I hope when the time comes... i can respect her wishes with resolve.

Best of luck, and i applaud your efforts.

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Post #: 17

RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 11:02:41 AM

sophia37

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wow. donating your body. Thats a beautiful thing! At least to me. I thought they only wanted young peoples bodies. I think I'd like that for myself. Im all about doing good so this makes real sense.

I'll ask both my mother and my aunt what they think of the idea. Thanks hunkboy. Thats very interesting. Im going to persue that line of thought.

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Post #: 18

RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 11:08:03 AM

sophia37

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to Twicehappy, I hope you come back in here to read this thread once more. I see youre offline. I dont know how to email you. I stumbled around with the site for a bit, but in the end no luck. Im in delaware county of NY state. I've been looking for what you say but so far no luck. So I'll take the hand if youre still offering. Maybe you could just post the results in this thread. (Heres to keeping my fingers crossed)

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RE: Time for Mom to die - 10/2/2007 11:22:59 AM

sophia37

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So yes, Im doing the reading thanks to the links posted. The problem as I see it so far is, My mother is not "terminally ill". This is what Hospice says, "To be eligible, they must be certified by a physician to be terminally ill with a life expectancy of six months or less." So so far, my first understanding is that hospice is for cancer patients. Thats how Ive always thought of them. This seems to back me up.

I doubt very much my mothers caregiver or Nurse practioner will say that she cant be kept alive for more then 6 months. Personally? Give the woman life support with breathing tubes and everything, and she might go ,..well,, another year or more! Or maybe more to the point when it comes to nursing homes, They might keep my mother alive long enough until the money runs out! Im wondering if that comes into play with private care.

I dont know. Who can say? Its only if my mother STOPS feeding herself and refusing meds, that she will die. Otherwise...not "terminal"! Although it now appears to me that life itself is terminal. Im sorry to say, but I feel like Im in unfamilar waters with this.

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