Help me to understand myself.... (Full Version)

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Muttling -> Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 10:53:48 PM)

Greetings all,

I'm switchy but mostly submissive and very masochistic.  I can remember enjoying pain before I can remember starting to masterbate as a child.  I don't have any questions or worries about these aspects of my personality, it's part of who I am.

However, I am relatively new to the fetish community and am finding that I'm a bit of an odd ball.  My activities and interests are quite normal for a male submissive, but my views on other aspects of a relationship seem to be quite contrarian.

I seek a relationship of equals.  I enjoy being told or even compelled/ punished to do that which pleases the woman I'm with, but I draw the line when it comes to managing my own life.  I am close to a couple of dommes who are directly involved in the management of the day to day lives of their slaves and that's just not me.  I would never lie about my day to day activities, but I take responsibility for myself and don't look for a partner to help manage my life for me. 

I'm really not sure that I've done a good job of explaining my quirk, but it's definitely something that is disconcerting.  I don't want a vanilla relationship as it totally ignores my kink interests, but the traditional kink relationships seem to be outside my limits as well.  How do I communicate to another kinkster what my twist is and how do I find fellow kinksters that are truely understanding of my twist on the subject?



BitaTruble -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:04:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

I seek a relationship of equals.  I enjoy being told or even compelled/ punished to do that which pleases the woman I'm with, but I draw the line when it comes to managing my own life. 


Actually, that's quite common among male submissives. The downside is, there's not a whole lot of fleshy female floggers out there who seek out that sort of relationship. Good luck to you.

Celeste



Muttling -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:10:46 PM)

Thanks for the input Celeste. 

On the one hand, it's very nice to know that my views aren't all that uncommon.  On the other hand, it's disconcerting to know that most female floggers don't seek such a relationship. 


It is a definite sigh, but I prefer to know the truth.



pinkme2 -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:38:35 PM)

Sounds like you are not interested in being a submissive outside the bedroom, instead choosing to bottom in a scene or sexual area only.

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. [:)]



Muttling -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:47:09 PM)

That's pretty close to the mark pinkme2.  I enjoy periods of submission that can last a day or more so it's not an entirely sexual/ bedroom focus, but the 24/7 aspect is going too far for my interests.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:50:49 PM)

very very very common...in fact 24-7 is less common....

just be yourself, and let your journey unfold....you dont need to make any decisions about who you are and what you will or will not do right now, and when you find some one special your heart will lead you, this is a journey not a destination.




BitaTruble -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (9/30/2007 11:58:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

That's pretty close to the mark pinkme2.  I enjoy periods of submission that can last a day or more so it's not an entirely sexual/ bedroom focus, but the 24/7 aspect is going too far for my interests.


Don't lose hope, Muttling. There are women out there who do want part-time, semi-regular submission, just not a whole lot of them, so make sure you stand out from the crowd to attract the eye of the few. Perhaps a married sadist or a sadistic top who doesn't have the time nor inclination to pursue 24/7. [;)]

Celeste



pinkme2 -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 12:03:37 AM)

Or perhaps a woman who only likes the kink in the bedroom, and likes to have vanilla outside it?



laurell3 -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 12:05:50 AM)

I dont do 24/7, and I don't desire to control much of another person's life outside of when we are together, with some exceptions.  One exception I can think of that's very common is that I think you will find most will want chastity/masturbation/orgasm restrictions on a 24/7 basis.

l



BitaTruble -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 12:07:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkme2

Or perhaps a woman who only likes the kink in the bedroom, and likes to have vanilla outside it?


That would work. There are a few on the forums who fit that bill, but I don't know their relationship status.

Celeste



Perplex -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 2:22:22 AM)

Welcome to the jungle Mutt,

as Bitatrouble says, there are few domme's who want to only do the 'sex only thing'  which suprises me as I come back into the communities and see just how take charge they are:

caveat: I am not judging, chastising or otherwise besmirching any domme's choices so please, save the angry letters
 
One of the things however that amuses me is that if a female sub doesn't want to do 24/7, you get righteous voices saying that is her chioce, but then a male sub says the same thing and you get cricket noises so unless I'm missing something it sorta seems one sided. 

You will find the right match for you.  Just keep looking and they will find you, or you will find her, or you'll meet somewhere in the middle.  Since you don't indicate you have any interests which would make a vanilla girl go Aiiihhhhhh screaming and run away, you might keep your eye out in the vanilla world too.  You're a good looking kid (no offense implied) and there is a whole generation of women growing up who never learned the Laura Petri "Ladies can ONLY act like this in the bedroom" routine so you may well find that special lady who wants to take full control in the bedroom but otherwise lead a traditional life.  Good luck to you!



TNstepsout -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 5:51:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Perplex

One of the things however that amuses me is that if a female sub doesn't want to do 24/7, you get righteous voices saying that is her chioce, but then a male sub says the same thing and you get cricket noises so unless I'm missing something it sorta seems one sided. 


Hmmm makes perfect sense to me. I don't understand the problem.



pseudopsychotic -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 8:10:46 AM)


quote:

I seek a relationship of equals.  I enjoy being told or even compelled/ punished to do that which pleases the woman I'm with, but I draw the line when it comes to managing my own life.  I am close to a couple of dommes who are directly involved in the management of the day to day lives of their slaves and that's just not me.  I would never lie about my day to day activities, but I take responsibility for myself and don't look for a partner to help manage my life for me. 


Sing it my brother from another mother.
As a single parent, who's also a pre-med student, I take issue with someone (even Sir) trying to tell me how to handle my own life. I've been living it for 25 years. I actually know what I'm doing for the most part.
I don't think this is something new or odd, so no worries there. At least in my opinion.
You just need to find someone who'll respect that.
And when you do..Let them tell you what to wear every now and again. You know, toss them a bone  (no pun intended)  Give them the small stuff, it's actually fun.

Anyways, I wish you all the luck.




toservez -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 8:36:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

very very very common...in fact 24-7 is less common....

just be yourself, and let your journey unfold....you dont need to make any decisions about who you are and what you will or will not do right now, and when you find some one special your heart will lead you, this is a journey not a destination.


I agree with this very much. I think the OP you explained yourself quite well and to know yourself in what you want and need is a great first step in fact getting what you need.

Find someone that is compatible and refuse to fall for anyone who says it has to be this or that. Whether what you and your eventual want to call it, make it yours.




Perplex -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 9:12:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

quote:

ORIGINAL: Perplex

One of the things however that amuses me is that if a female sub doesn't want to do 24/7, you get righteous voices saying that is her chioce, but then a male sub says the same thing and you get cricket noises so unless I'm missing something it sorta seems one sided. 


Hmmm makes perfect sense to me. I don't understand the problem.


If I misunderstood what you meant, then I'm setting myself up for the great beat-down stick..and deservedly so, but not in the face I have to speak to a group of HS kids at the end of the month and it'd be hard to explain "A domme beat the crap out of me for misunderstanding what she was saying"... :)

but on point: So we've never been fighting for equality...
if you need help with that word, really look it up, it means where everybody is treated equally...now the world will never be perfect, but had someone implied 'white male power' in the same flippant manner as you did, they'd be taken to task by every one around here with a bat...and in this crowd, that can add up to a lot of swings :). 

if there is one rule for dom's..and one for domme's, don't you see you are condeming your own granddaughters to go back into the box, play Ma Kettle, keep the rice cooking bear the children stay barefoot and pregnant?..cuz every pedulum swings back and forth and enough women will sell out "the Cause" & "do what the boys like" equality will go the way of the dodo, unless TODAY when we are equal within the eyes of the law and most tradional minded people (again there will always be note worthy exceptions) we all start being equal with each other and stop this grrrl power crap* If it is good for female subs it should be good for male subs, doms and domme's...gooses and ganders.

It is the humanity within men who helped women get this equal within the eyes of the law, etc etc etc.  and the moment they as a group figure out its a shell game that ya'll aren't fighting for equal you're fighting to win...will be the day that men jump off the PC train and ya'll can go back to being secretaries and nurses.  Cuz as hard as the struggle was to overcome men not wanting female bosses, it will be trebly as hard when there are fewer men who refuse to do the right thing because they now understand they will not be treated with the same humanity they gave.

sorry to the OP for the thread hijack.

*define this as any and all "girls are better than boys media/cultural blitz's" the same way most reasonable people woudl condemn telling a little girl she can't grow up to be a doctor, cuz only men can be doctors



Muttling -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 4:40:52 PM)

Thanks all for the constructive responses and the support.  It's always nice to have kink friendly friends who really understand where I'm coming from.


I got a good laugh out of the female sub v. male sub discussion.  Women and men are very different and society does treat us differently.  Fair or not, it's just a reality of life and one that can be quite fun to observe.  The secret is to laugh at it and understand that it's not worth getting worked up over.   (Now if some lady wants to volunteer to work me over for such things, I might develop an little bit of attitude but that's a story for another thread.)



TNstepsout -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/1/2007 5:59:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Perplex

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

quote:

ORIGINAL: Perplex

One of the things however that amuses me is that if a female sub doesn't want to do 24/7, you get righteous voices saying that is her chioce, but then a male sub says the same thing and you get cricket noises so unless I'm missing something it sorta seems one sided. 


Hmmm makes perfect sense to me. I don't understand the problem.


If I misunderstood what you meant, then I'm setting myself up for the great beat-down stick..and deservedly so, but not in the face I have to speak to a group of HS kids at the end of the month and it'd be hard to explain "A domme beat the crap out of me for misunderstanding what she was saying"... :)


Well actually I was just funnin'. Sorry, but I'm a born smart ass and can't help it.

But to respond. You are right, there are some double standards, but until men and women are exactly the same, not just equal in terms of rights, there will be different standards. Men and women seek different things, need different things, and if you are to successfully form a relationship you have to work within the parameters of those needs.



Perplex -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/2/2007 2:17:33 AM)

I was figgerin' you were funnin', that's why I put my origianl caveat in the tirade...so in case I was wrong, I woudln't look like a total jerk, mebbe a 85%-90% jerk, but that's still better than 100% pure :).

I don't think being the same would be much fun at all, but we can be treated within the eyes of one another as equal...which is just a little different than the same.   I think nobody would have the arguement cats are different than dogs...and it is against basic humaninty (american at least) to abuse a cat or abuse a dog (abuse defined by regional norms) is wrong, no matter what species they are.  so while cats and dogs are not the same they are being treated equally. 

but keep funnin', and I'll keep ranting...we could do a stage act eventually.



InkedMaster -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/2/2007 3:06:25 AM)

Well lets see, Dominant, Top, Sadist, Daddy, Switch, slave, submissive, bottom, cumguzzler and a host of others. Did I mention cumguzzler? Anyway, all descriptive words, all with thier own meaning and conatations and our own perceptions of what we believe those terms to mean to us. People seemingly get caught up in labeling and to a point I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I mean if one is a male hedonistic bottom with submissive views and slave tendencies who desires to Top a Sadistic Domme thats a Switch who's a submissive cumguzzler only to Her Master but an Alpha to everyone else, from the bottom...Holy Shit my head hurts!, but you get the picture, we're just people, different, but still people and we want what we want. Is there someone out there for us that will meet all our needs, desires and cravings? Damn skippy there is!



Lashra -> RE: Help me to understand myself.... (10/2/2007 4:50:26 AM)

I let my sub pretty much handle his own life and thats mainly because we do not live together. I am not into micromanagement at all, been there done that did not like it. I feel that if he isn't a big enough boy to handle his life then he isn't the one for me.

I take care of what goes on in the bedroom and decisions concerning "us". So far its worked wonderfully for both of us. Now when we move in together he has said he wants me to handle the finances, which I had intended to anyway because he is just bad with money.

So can it work? Yes depending upon the people involved. And yes there are other Domme's out there who would enjoy this type of relationship.

~Lashra



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