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D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 8:54:50 PM

LivingInSin

Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

A new aquaintance asked me out on a date today. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Here is my concern.
In past relationships things have gone wrong when bdsm is introduced into a vanilla relationship, and when romance, mushy, lovey feelings get added to the bdsm aspect.
So, how resonable is it to have two relationships simultaneously? You know, one that understands the "needs" that tend to accompany those in this lifestyle. And that will not think any less of you for those needs.
The other one that would be strictly vanilla. The hand holding, cuddles, kisses, watching television together.
I know from expierence that in all reality I can't just abandon this lifestyle. It so doens't work when I try. But trying to find someone that can walk in both worlds is daunting. Not to mention disheartening.
So I thought I would ask here and see what others have seen, heard of, or tried.

_____________________________

*Instead of complaining that rose bushes have thorns, rejoice that thorn bushes bloom*

*Myth says that only the woman who has been an utter slave can be truly free------this is no myth*

Post #: 1

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 8:58:38 PM

Damocles809

Posts: 532
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline

Eeewwww! Vanilla cooties!

(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:05:24 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Angel and I have a fantastic BDSM relationship, but nothing romantic.
He understands that I need that as well, and deals with my dating others.
AS long as you are open and honest with someone vanilla you meet, and let them know you are seeing someone else and would prefer to continue to do so. Essentially keep the relationship open and you can avoid the mess of explaining the differences between their vanilla place and the others BDSM one.
Thats what has worked for me, at least. Though, vanilla in general doesnt work, so its been more of a 2 sub arrangement.

DV

_____________________________

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VampiresLair

(in reply to Damocles809)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:11:55 PM

LivingInSin

Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

I've tried doing that in the past. The vanilla person ends up looking at it as "cheating" or figures it's a really open relationship. I can understand a Dom having a couple or so subs/slaves. To me, that is normal. Having a vanilla joe having two girlfriends screws me all up.

Damocles809 - I think someone could put me in a tent full of vanilla folk and I would be good. lol, some of them may come out "flavored" a bit :)

_____________________________

*Instead of complaining that rose bushes have thorns, rejoice that thorn bushes bloom*

*Myth says that only the woman who has been an utter slave can be truly free------this is no myth*

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:14:33 PM

SunnyTawse

Posts: 151
Joined: 11/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Though, vanilla in general doesnt work... <snip>

I'm with you on that!!

I can't even estimate the number of miserable kinky people I've spoken with over the years who fell in love with vanillas and now face the quandary of love versus kink.

As for the number of happy kinky people I've spoken with over the years who fell in love with vanillas... that would be ONE. And I haven't spoken with him for about five years, so... who knows?... <shrugs>...

If you're kinky at core, if you're hardwired for it... please don't get involved with a vanilla without at least discussing the fact that you have needs they will not be able to meet.

Sunny Tawse
Sadien Domina
Archon of Rings
http://AthenorLodge.com

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:21:41 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

when some one you love is kinky is a good book that will lead him to water....but only he can choose to drink/.....

good luck!!!

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(in reply to SunnyTawse)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:43:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It's called polyamory- most poly people are vanilla.

It's perfectly fine to have as many relationships of whatever sort you want, as long as everyone is made aware and accepting of the situation.

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(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:51:22 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

A new aquaintance asked me out on a date today. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Here is my concern.
In past relationships things have gone wrong when bdsm is introduced into a vanilla relationship, and when romance, mushy, lovey feelings get added to the bdsm aspect.
So, how resonable is it to have two relationships simultaneously? You know, one that understands the "needs" that tend to accompany those in this lifestyle. And that will not think any less of you for those needs.
The other one that would be strictly vanilla. The hand holding, cuddles, kisses, watching television together.
I know from expierence that in all reality I can't just abandon this lifestyle. It so doens't work when I try. But trying to find someone that can walk in both worlds is daunting. Not to mention disheartening.
So I thought I would ask here and see what others have seen, heard of, or tried.

I have this with my Master...I know that Master and I are not nearly the only ones who have such a relationship...it is VERY possible to "have it all" as they say....

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 9:53:54 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

In past relationships things have gone wrong when bdsm is introduced into a vanilla relationship, and when romance, mushy, lovey feelings get added to the bdsm aspect.

How have things gone wrong?

trying to find someone that can walk in both worlds is daunting. Not to mention disheartening.

Although I haven't found anyone yet that can combine both worlds, I know they are out there and I refuse to settle for less. Having two relationships where both needs are met may work as a temporary solution (providing you are honest with both partners). If your goal is something long term, I would advise against it.

Many people who post on these boards have been in the same d/s relationship for several years. I have a hard time believing that in all that time, they have never gone out on a date or participated in any vanilla activities together. I think it's safe to assume that at least 98% of them have successfully combined both worlds.

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(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 10:06:21 PM

MsOpal

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

Argent and I have been together for 28+ years. We have raised kids and made a home and have what many see as "a good life". We have 4 grandkids and we go to band concerts and other school events. We enjpy going to symphonies and theatre, minor league baseball, live mucis from Eric Clampton and Bruce to down home dance halls. We hold hands. We watch movies while I lay with my head in his lap on the couch. We make popcorn. We go the beach, take wildlife tours, and travel.

We host bdsm meetings, discussion groups, and play evenings. We have been speakers at regional events. We attend other groups, meetings, demos and play evenings. Last night we had a rope demo at our house. There are people on this site who know us and have been to our home. There are people we met because of this site.

It is totally possible.
MsOpal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

and I did.

(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 10:17:18 PM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

Greetings
I am one of the lucky I guess. she fits Me in all categories that any would care to name. I am indeed the luckiest Man to walk the planet (and cause I believe it, it must be so) heh heh.

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Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 9/30/2007 10:57:20 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

i have spoken to all kinds and types It really is all about love but you do not see long term anything anymore kudos to those that can out do media bs about what it is to make it work if your into each other and put each other first life is easy other wise your like to parts of sand paper rubbing on wood it wears away eventually

(in reply to rmanrr)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 4:46:07 AM

kirii

Posts: 79
Status: offline

I once dated a man who had no interest what-so-ever in BDSM at all. We dated for about a year and a half and during that time he would accompany me to clubs and watch while I indulged my need for pain J , just as I would accompany him while he indulged in his need for speed ( he was interested in drag racing, something which I had no interest in )
Our approach worked for us as long as we remembered that acceptance was what was most important; despite our differences.

(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 4:59:23 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

there's more to life than being in the BDSM lifestyle 24/7/365 without having any other outside interests or hobbies

like what breatheasone said - i have it all. i have both kink and nilla and it works perfectly for me and those i'm relationships with. we don't need to stay in kink mode constantly - humanly impossible because at some point you do have to interact with the vanilla world unless you enjoy being bottled up in your kinky ways.

it can work only if you're willing to try

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(in reply to kirii)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 5:08:06 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline

I am in a 6 year long vanilla relationship with someone I love. He has absolutely no interest in BDSM. He loves me and is not interested in seeing other women either. He knows I have needs that he isn't able to meet. He wants me happy and supports me finding other outlets for those needs.

It is possible to have it all. Communication and respect are essential.

Good luck with your relationship(s).

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Post #: 15

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 5:10:14 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Find someone that will beat your ass and then do "The hand holding, cuddles, kisses, watching television together."

l

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 5:17:03 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I've read a number of posts and know a few couples IRL who successfully moved from a vanilla relationship to a kinky one. In fact, there are a lot of people who begin their kinky life that way and a lot of couples who seem very happy. So I don't think it's impossible. I do think it can be difficult to find a vanilla person who is accepting of allowing their GF or wife to pursue other relationships to get their "kink" fix. In general our societal view is that a couple should be monogamous. It's hard for a lot of people to get their head around any other concept. The idea of an open relationship is also quite closely associated with swinging, and that just doesn't go over well with a lot of people.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 6:54:28 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I can tell you that it is very reasonable for some. Case in point, I have a husband. I also have a submissive. My husband is starting to like kink more, but he is of a Dominant nature. At this time, I think the best definition would be beginner Top, as he's had a couple of casual play opportunities, but hasn't moved to having his own submissive.

Even with Our interest in kink, My husband and I have the vanilla relationship. There is no D/s at home. (My submissive doesn't live under Our roof.)

For My kink, I have My submissive. That is the area where the Sadist/masochist relationship is. The service, such as pedicures and what not comes in. There are vanilla activities included there, but not the romance, etc.

As Lucky said, it does fall under what I consider poly, but My definition isn't everyone's. My point being that some of Us can, and do live with these types of arrangements. Again, to agree with her, it does work better when everyone is aware of the relationships that you are involved with and with whom. Around here, folks just call U/us the "P" family now.

Edited to add a flick of a space bar. Guess I was just too busy smiling to type it right the first time.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/1/2007 6:56:06 AM >

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 8:53:44 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

As others have written you have to be honest with yourself and with anyone you are with. It would not be fair to a person who you may be leading on but will never satisfy you in one major aspect. What are your goals in these relationships beside immediate needs filled? Do you want a long term relationship in one or both aspects of your dichotomy?

If you need the power exchange relationship but cannot find someone that wants that and is compatible with the rest of your life I would suggest being patient but keep trying. People can and do both two types of relationships at a time but finding two other people that are ok with it cannot be any easier then finding one person for all needs. Work on one or both but make sure if both the people that get involved know what you are wanting and all about.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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(in reply to LivingInSin)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s and vanilla? - 10/1/2007 10:26:55 AM

LivingInSin

Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

In past relationships things have gone wrong when bdsm is introduced into a vanilla relationship, and when romance, mushy, lovey feelings get added to the bdsm aspect.

How have things gone wrong?

trying to find someone that can walk in both worlds is daunting. Not to mention disheartening.

Although I haven't found anyone yet that can combine both worlds, I know they are out there and I refuse to settle for less. Having two relationships where both needs are met may work as a temporary solution (providing you are honest with both partners). If your goal is something long term, I would advise against it.

Many people who post on these boards have been in the same d/s relationship for several years. I have a hard time believing that in all that time, they have never gone out on a date or participated in any vanilla activities together. I think it's safe to assume that at least 98% of them have successfully combined both worlds.

how things have gone wrong. well when i have introduced bdsm into a vanilla relationship the men i have been with either feel they are "abusing" me and want no part of it. Since im the one that brought it up though they started thinking that is all i wanted. we parted ways after me being on the defensive way too much about my kink. OR the ones that really do end up abusing me becuase they are not wired for the D/s and SM. i have zero issue with parting ways if things are dicked up.

i am not in any type of closet to anyone. im submissive, a witch, a priestess, im a maschochist. all rolled into one. i understand that it will probaly turn out to be a temp fix. but at this point im just trying to put it all together you know?

_____________________________

*Instead of complaining that rose bushes have thorns, rejoice that thorn bushes bloom*

*Myth says that only the woman who has been an utter slave can be truly free------this is no myth*

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 20

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