RE: D/s and vanilla? (Full Version)

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interestedfemale -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 7:51:59 AM)

I felt the need to post to this thread.
Mentor and i met in a swinging lifestyle group, i not knowing his desires or wants before hand dealing with D/s.
We fell in love, deeply, now because of this love and my natural nature to be submissive we move forward slowly.
can love and D/s live together, i think so, and more or less know so.
how could i or want to serve him so much if i didn't love him.
how could HE want me in every way if he did not love me.
coming from a purely vanilla life for 46 years, looking back, at all past relationships, mine and others, D/s is a natural thing.
Some with pain, some with just service, some with just a stronger head then the other spouse.
in my mind being equal does not necessarily mean 50/50 housework, money, etc. it means we all have certain things we are better at in a relationship.
Mentor is better at money, discussions, decisions on needs of the household.
i'm a good cook, loving mate, decent housekeeper and i have a difficult time making decisions......ta da!   50/50
Now i'm not going to go into the whole sex scene other then he likes to spank and i love it when he does. (and looking forward to more)
for me it just seems natural. including love, vanilla and D/s just the difference on how far in the dark you take it and whats your comfort level in that relationship.
please tell me if i'm wrong, since i'm new......maybe i'm not understanding......but it is how i feel at this time of our relationship.




chellekitty -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 8:00:20 AM)

darn it, i was hoping this was a new Ben and Jerry's flavor



interestedfemale -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 11:12:40 AM)

New and interesting flavor for my life........hmmmmmm wonder how we could advertise it.......lol



ErusDespicienta -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 11:27:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

So, how resonable is it to have two relationships simultaneously?



That sounds very alternative to me and  I lead an alternative lifestyle, which is not the same as yours. 
If it was the same as yours, it wouldn't be alternative, now would it ?



CreativeDominant -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 11:51:16 AM)

I won't do one without the other.  I've stated in my profile and on here that while I adore casual play, I want a full relationship and that I want that relationship to encompass all that is in my life...D/s, BDSM, and all the vanilla that goes into life.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I want a Neopolitan cone.



softness -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 11:54:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

You have to find the right way to bring the subject up, remember you are potentially dropping something massive on THEM, you have had years to accept what BDSM is to you, cut them some slack if they take more than a few minutes to get used to idea.


I understand that part. It's when "we" talk about it and "he" closes his mind. I read all the posts and see how many do have it all. I think I'll take defiantbadgirls advice......i think i would rather be alone for a bit longer until i, too can have it all.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice with me.



i dont know the ins and outs of your particular relationship ...i just dilike that accusation of closed mindedness if it is being used to not liking something.  but if you have taken time to explain in a fair and objective way - no guilt trips .. no nagging .. no defensiveness and no irate demands - and he is still "closed minded" .. then gracefully accpet that he actually doesn't HAVE to want your kinks ... there is no law that says it MUST be so. Its a shame to put a negative spin on it, your kink just isn't his kink, and so perhaps were he to try it he might like it, but really ... it is up to him it is his life, he can choose what he wants and what he doesn't.

am not getting at you personally .. am sure this isn't something you need telling .. but "closed mindedness" is something that gets tossed about a lot and i am not sure it is always used fairly



Prinsexx -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/2/2007 4:52:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

So, how resonable is it to have two relationships simultaneously?


I don't think it's reasonable...I think it's usual...........



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/3/2007 12:36:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

You have to find the right way to bring the subject up, remember you are potentially dropping something massive on THEM, you have had years to accept what BDSM is to you, cut them some slack if they take more than a few minutes to get used to idea.


I understand that part. It's when "we" talk about it and "he" closes his mind. I read all the posts and see how many do have it all. I think I'll take defiantbadgirls advice......i think i would rather be alone for a bit longer until i, too can have it all.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice with me.



i dont know the ins and outs of your particular relationship ...i just dilike that accusation of closed mindedness if it is being used to not liking something.  but if you have taken time to explain in a fair and objective way - no guilt trips .. no nagging .. no defensiveness and no irate demands - and he is still "closed minded" .. then gracefully accpet that he actually doesn't HAVE to want your kinks ... there is no law that says it MUST be so. Its a shame to put a negative spin on it, your kink just isn't his kink, and so perhaps were he to try it he might like it, but really ... it is up to him it is his life, he can choose what he wants and what he doesn't.

am not getting at you personally .. am sure this isn't something you need telling .. but "closed mindedness" is something that gets tossed about a lot and i am not sure it is always used fairly


i understand your dislike of the term "closed minded". Being a type of clergy in the Pagan (ie alternative.....no offense to anyone here) has given me the chance to accept other peoples opinions with eloquence. However, when someone just flat out refuses to let you explain anything because they "know" its bad. Well it ticks me off at times. Because of the honesty needed in a relationship I don't think it would be right to go into any type of relationship with out revealing important pieces of information about yourself. i dont expect anyone to like my kink. so when i do find others that enjoy the same activities as i do, well its a bonus.



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/3/2007 12:43:18 AM)

FYI: I talked to the man that asked me out. Believe it or not, my nine year old brother found my riding crop and runs outside to me asking me to spank him. well the man was there too. he jokingly said " oh god. your not into that freaking bondage thing are you?" here we go with the honesty....."yes, i am. among other things I enjoy"
long story short, it seems he was with a chic that liked to top him and hurt him. He says he was unwilling....im not sure about that part.....anyhow this continued for about 5 months and he talked her into letting him be in control. so he secured her and tore her up!

so just in case this guy was lying i called up a friend at the PD and asked him to run a check. seems he was arrested and charged with sexual assult against this woman. after his "dealings" with her, she was in the hospical fo 3 days. she pressed charges and one. evidently, the judge said that as long as he pays her medical ills then he wouldnt have to serve any time. OMG!! NO!

so later on he wanted to know if we were still going out. i told him no as i am still moving and stuff. so he asked about next week. so now im creeped out! ugh.



artistbrandi -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/3/2007 6:46:28 AM)

Wow...he was very guilty in his own indulgence, yet he tried to make you feel silly when he saw your crop.  Don't need those kind anyway!

So what if you're in a great great vanilla relationship- married to a gentle man?  I so badly want him to get a LITTLE into it at least...tie me up or something!  Unfortunately, I was assaulted last year...and until I got therapy we had trouble having sex together period.  Now we're back to "normal"...and I want to escalate it.  I can't seem to get his opinion about it at all, but my guess is he's not interested- esp because he's worried about hurting me.  We're great for eachother in all other areas...and now I discover that I enjoy this.  He'd do anything for me...but if he's not enjoying it too, then there's no point.  Maybe after being here a while, I'll get the courage to talk to him more about it...he's out of the country for another 3-5 months at the moment.




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