RE: D/s and vanilla? (Full Version)

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LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:30:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

there's more to life than being in the BDSM lifestyle 24/7/365 without having any other outside interests or hobbies



im not talking about just living bdsm. i have children that will always take priority over everything. but to find someone that understands lifes other obligations and pleasures AND who loves the same things i do i bdsm, well that would be perfect. im just doubting this person exists. hence the possibale search for two seperate men.



Celeste43 -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:31:45 AM)

I can't fathom a d/s relationship without the mushy and romantic stuff. It would be like having a tennis partner, not a life partner. You might play tennis with the same person for two decades, but you would never give them control over your finances. Totally different with a life partner who has the same risk if things go wrong.

Besides I'm not in this just for the beat and fuck, although that's fun. To accept control, I have to be emotionally intimate and I can't be emotionally intimate with someone who is emotionally closed.



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:32:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Find someone that will beat your ass and then do "The hand holding, cuddles, kisses, watching television together."  


that is what ive been unsuccessful in finding. i don't want just the motions. i want the emotions and the bonding that comes with the real deal.



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:35:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I can tell you that it is very reasonable for some.  Case in point, I have a husband.  I also have a submissive. 


do you have a strong attatchment to both? are you in love with both? if so, how do they deal with that?



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:38:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I can't fathom a d/s relationship without the mushy and romantic stuff. It would be like having a tennis partner, not a life partner. You might play tennis with the same person for two decades, but you would never give them control over your finances. Totally different with a life partner who has the same risk if things go wrong.

Besides I'm not in this just for the beat and fuck, although that's fun. To accept control, I have to be emotionally intimate and I can't be emotionally intimate with someone who is emotionally closed.

i have a hard time NOT being able to seperate the mush from the D/s parts. so the ideal situation is to find one person that enjoys both aspects. barring that....two folks. i have a friend that i play with. it's a big struggle for me not to fall in love with him. so far i'm holding my own on that though. *knock on wood*



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:51:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingInSin

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

there's more to life than being in the BDSM lifestyle 24/7/365 without having any other outside interests or hobbies



im not talking about just living bdsm. i have children that will always take priority over everything. but to find someone that understands lifes other obligations and pleasures AND who loves the same things i do i bdsm, well that would be perfect. im just doubting this person exists. hence the possibale search for two seperate men.

i have UMs too and yes they do take precendent over any man in my life ...and always will because they are 1st. 

however i didn't need to find 2 separate men (one for nilla and one for BDSM) - i've found such men ...2 in fact - Daddy and my SO.  they know there will be times when my UMs need mom to do bake sales, field trips, doc appts, etc ...yet i do set time aside for Daddy and SO in between my schedule to meet their needs.

it's possible to handle both ...i've been doing it for over a year now with Daddy ...soon permamently with my SO



defiantbadgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 10:58:41 AM)

I have the same problem. For some strange reason, many of the Dom and Switch men I encounter are unable to combine the two. The ones who are seem to be already taken. Not being poly makes it a lot harder. I do know they are out there though, and I'd rather be alone for longer in order to find one than to settle for being treated like a married man's secret mistress.



BigPapaHal -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 11:40:58 AM)

Hello ladies! yes it is possible for a man to be both. I love the position of daddy and punishing a bad girl, however I am a daddy who also loves to hold and love and comfort a babygirl who has been punished. I also am comfortable completly with a Loving and romantic adult relationship with my babygirl.
As a Dom/Man with daddy desires and very romantic needs, with the common sense to know when the right time for each one ocures, I guess thats a rare thing right? Well it is also almost impossible to find a woman who understands and desires/needs both! [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m18.gif[/image]
But here I am still single after several tries, with women who claim both needs but then turn into one or the other. Were the Hell are the real women with babygirl needs?
If your out there please let me know were you are?     BigPapaHal 



defiantbadgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 11:46:19 AM)

You like to punish first, then hold and comfort? Wow, I like that. Not so sure about the babygirl dynamic though. Wearing diapers and drinking out of bottles definitely isn't my thing.



MsBearlee -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 11:53:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's called polyamory- most poly people are vanilla. 


HUH???????    While I know no multi-partnered vanilla ppl, most of the BDSMers I know who are coupled-up...are Poly.  


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's perfectly fine to have as many relationships of whatever sort you want, as long as everyone is made aware and accepting of the situation. 


Okay, this part, I understand...and agree.   There is nothing all that 'shocking' about much BDSM anymore; it is becoming increasingly familiar and out of the closet.  Why not mention some of the more gentle aspects...and see what the person's reactions are?  I remember a man contacting me through a long-forgotten Match.com profile.  I sent him off to read the one I had on Alt, at the time... and he acted like he'd found nervana!  LOL   We had a good time...in his 65 years he'd never been able to act on his foot fetish! 
 
B



susie -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 11:54:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

You like to punish first, then hold and comfort? Wow, I like that. Not so sure about the babygirl dynamic though. Wearing diapers and drinking out of bottles definitely isn't my thing.


WTF?



defiantbadgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 12:05:14 PM)

I was responding to BigPapaHal's post.



susie -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 12:17:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I was responding to BigPapaHal's post.


And where in it does he say that wearing diapers and drinking out of a bottle come into their dynamic. It might but really that is not what all Daddy / daughter, baby girl dynamics are based on.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 12:30:27 PM)

Point well taken. I reacted prematurely to the title babygirl.



BigPapaHal -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 12:31:31 PM)

Me neither, My thing is way more verbal than anything. I just like the fact that a full fleged, Highly Sexual woman can be as innocently needy as a teenage girl. And understand her need for strict disiplin from a daddy figure, however she must understand that daddy punishes her out of love and concern that she becomes a better person over all. And that, that love also consists of the need for daddy to be the comforter and trusted gentle passionate lover. Is that weird? I realy thought that this was the norm for daddys! To me that diaper thing is NOT what I am about. I guess that if I'm that diferent I'll have to create a new catagory for myself, lets see now???? ah ha I've got it howabout " A Compassionate/Dom " LOL or even a com/dom ha! ha!.   What do you think?.......BigPapaHal
 
PS! A smooth shaven pussy is a must, it's in my mouth way to much to have hair on it!  Sorry I'm so slow, I only two finger hunt and peck..........BPH



defiantbadgirl -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 12:35:36 PM)

I agree with susie that I jumped to conclusions far too quickly. Compassionate/Dom does sound good though.



softness -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 1:25:18 PM)

I think you can introduce BDSM into a vanilla relationship .. as long as you pick the right partner and do it in a sympathetic and non aggressive way.

I have been with my current girlfriend almost a year and  half she has known from the beginning that I have some very pronounced kink and that i would identify myself within the lifestyle as a slave. She is not Domme nor did she have any experience of BDSM before she met me. By increments we have introduced just enough BDSM for me to feel really comfortable in the relationship.

You have to find the right way to bring the subject up, remember you are potentially dropping something massive on THEM, you have had years to accept what BDSM is to you, cut them some slack if they take more than a few minutes to get used to idea. We went away for the weekend, so that if it turned out to be something she couldn't get her head around  we could leave the conversation out there and not bring it back with us.

We slowly built BDSM into our life together, so that now much like a 24/7 Ds couple, it is a streamline part of our relatiuonship. We dont play, which is fine for me, but we have plenty of ritual there which makes me feel great and allows me to feel in service to her. Some she really enjoys, some she doesn't get at all but continues with them because they make me happy. As an example she gets that I need to care for her - cook, clean, pamper, fetch, carry etc. She finds orgasm control a huge turn on and so that is part of our otherwise pretty vanilla sex life. She totally does not get some things though - eg me asking permission of her to leave the bed. That was something i had in a previous relationship - underlining that whatever it was i had to do always came second to being there for my Owner if i was needed or wanted. It became such a habit and a comfort for me then that i wanted it to continue. She still finds it utterly bonkers but its joins the whole other bunch of things that makes me .. well me.

Am sure many will scoff at what we have, but it makes us happy - and nobody elses opinion really matters but ours where our happiness is concerned.



AEslaveM -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 1:33:27 PM)

i, too, am one of the ones who managed to end up in a "best of both worlds" life.  i get the mushy vanilla stuff in between, around, and within the kink...  :)

M



Littlepita -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 1:45:39 PM)

I'm another who gets the best of both worlds all wrapped up in one incredible man. I wouldn't have D/s without love, which my Sir could go on and on about how love makes D/s more difficult. Fortunately he give gives me all his love without reservation, to which I am so forever grateful. Then he throws me over the back of the couch and gives me a good beating that reminds how much I love that side of him as well. [:)]



LivingInSin -> RE: D/s and vanilla? (10/1/2007 8:32:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

You have to find the right way to bring the subject up, remember you are potentially dropping something massive on THEM, you have had years to accept what BDSM is to you, cut them some slack if they take more than a few minutes to get used to idea.


I understand that part. It's when "we" talk about it and "he" closes his mind. I read all the posts and see how many do have it all. I think I'll take defiantbadgirls advice......i think i would rather be alone for a bit longer until i, too can have it all.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice with me.




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