The transitioning period (Full Version)

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DMFParadox -> The transitioning period (9/28/2007 2:33:26 AM)

Ok, ladies and gents, dig into your email archives.  I'm looking for some success stories, and possibly a bit of exposition, on the change from saying hello to establishing a Master/submissive or slave relationship, here on CollarMe.  I want to know about the email or phone conversation that changes the script from "some guy" to "This is a good prospect..."  At first, what people do is look at profiles, find ones that interest them, and send an email that expresses interest.  I typically use a low-key approach; even though I'm neither vanilla nor submissive, but definitely dominant in inclination, I have a lifetime's worth of sublimation to work out--at least where conversations are concerned.  So I comment, I use lighthearted banter, and I don't put their toes to the fire.  That works for me, and I don't plan to change; I'm not interested in how to write an 'introduction' letter.

What I want is the next step.  I'd like to hear from other Doms and female submissives on what got you to the next step; when you established your credentials as being worthy to be a master, or for you women, when you saw that email that made your defenses drop, your heart melt, and your mouth go dry.  I want to know the point when you decided that you really would do anything for that man in your life. 

What I don't want: a)the first time you met in person; b)generalizations that mean nothing to me; c)any kind of words on RL interaction.  This is about emails, chats, IMs, profiles, phone and online interaction ONLY.  I also would not like to be told that nothing is solid until you meet in real life; I'm well aware, real life is where I generally live. d) what I SHOULDN'T do, or say, or who I should or should not approach.  This isn't about that.  This is only about what worked, and especially what worked for YOU. e)Dommes talking, or male subs.  That is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT DYNAMIC and although I'm curious, I want to focus on what's pertinent to my own dynamic right now.  If you're a Domme that got found by a guy, and then subsequently desired to be a submissive, then that's entirely relevant--but I don't expect too many of those stories.

Some specific questions:
For Doms:  Did you tell a story?  Did you make demands right off the bat, how many questions did you ask generally, what did you ask about, when you dealt with talkative girls vs. 1-line writers, what different kinds of strategies worked for you?  The girls that post attractive pictures get INUNDATED with mail; what strategies did you use for them that were successful?  The girls that don't post pictures, or have very much on their profile, what strategies worked best with them?

For subs/slaves: first off, are you high-value.... do you get lots of email?  How did His letters stand out?  What did you feel on first meeting Him, and then how did that change into truly desiring to be his sub?  How did the emotional process progress for you?

Thank you all for your insights and stories ahead of time.  Hopefully, this will get some serious posters interested in sharing their perspective.  Again, look at the list of don'ts.  If you break it, you get spankies.

Release the hounds...



Aileen68 -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 2:37:03 AM)

Ya think you got enough rules for answering???
Perfect example of what wouldn't catch my attention in an email.



liljoy -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 3:23:46 AM)

i met Master in a chat room here. The topic was primal space and i was relating my experience with it. What He had to say about it impressed me enough to check out His profile. His ideas and mine matched well enough for me to contact Him.

We quickly moved to yahoo IM and then to phone. We spent many hours a week getting to know each other. Not just BDSM and sexual stuff either. We discussed our BDSM outlooks initially just very general to see how well we matched on that and then moved to nilla things. we dicussed everything from fav color, family and past relationships.
He didn't exert any control over me right off. He got to know me and let me get to know Him. Then He asked me what i don't like about myself. He helped me accept the things i can't change and helped me change the things that i could change.

He became my rock by showing me that i can lean on Him if i need to by always being there when i needed Him



DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 3:40:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

Ya think you got enough rules for answering???
Perfect example of what wouldn't catch my attention in an email.


Noted.  A valid point; my emails don't look like this.  The forum is a bit different though, in that it's very active, and there are a lot of posts to filter out; therefore, I'm using "cute-girl don't waste my time" tactics.  By the way, you broke the rule stated above in telling me what I shouldn't do... ^_^  Now for the fun part (for me, at least)...



DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 3:43:04 AM)

Thanks, liljoy... that's exactly the kind of experience and response that I'm asking for.  Do you remember any other specific points where you, or he, said the right thing while you were meeting each other?



RCdc -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 4:04:47 AM)

Questions before I can discover if I can respond to your questions in a worthwhile manner -
 
If you cannot 'accept' being told what not to do (in this context), how can you learn what you can/should be doing or what was done.
And why do you need to be explained to anyway?
 
the.dark.



spanklette -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 4:09:47 AM)

I'm not sure you're going to be able to find an e-mail by numbers type of diredtions here. Everyone has different ideas of what they find attractive and what they do not. I think the easiest and most successful route you can take is to read and understand what someone writes in their profile. Ask questions that she/he can respond to, rather that just compliments. But, overall, be genuinely interested in them and try to have that come across.
 
Honestly, I don't know what makes some people more pleasantly memorable, but I'm sure it has something with exhibiting genuine interest.



liljoy -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 4:31:32 AM)

There are things in my past that are hard for me to talk about. Some of them were things that a person needs to know if they are to be involved with me. They've caused others to reject me before. i get those on the table fairly soon because if someone can't deal with them then i don't want to waste my time.

Some of the things i'd never told anyone before because i thought they were so dark and ugly that no one could see them and still accept me. He got me to open up to Him about all the things. He didn't reject me but He shined a light on the dark things and showed me why they weren't as dark and awful as i had thought they were.

His not rejecting me was a good sign. His getting me to open up about the dark things was better. Him shining a light on those things and showing me why they weren't as bad as i thought they were showed me that He was indeed special and Someone that i needed as part of my life.

i had some medical issues that i hadn't taken care of. He made me take care of them. Some of the medical proceedures i had to undergo were scarey and painful. Being LD at the time He couldn't be there for me in person but He was there for me on the phone before each proceedure. i was to call Him after each proceedure and He would call often after that to check on me and help as much as He could.

When i had a death in the family He let me lean on Him. When i was taking care of things to make the move down here and got so frantic or freaked out i didn't know which way to go. He guided and calmed me.

i can't speak on what i said or did to let Him know that i was the right one but i am here with Him now so i must have said or done some things right too. i was just myself



DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 4:43:40 AM)

General response: I'm not looking for advice, I'm looking for success stories in a very specific way, too specific for the 'success stories' board--this would get lost in that crowd.  Tell me your story.  liljoy's got the idea.



RCdc -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 5:04:45 AM)

OK - that makes more sense now as a question.
Met Darcy online (non BDSM), we talked, shared photographs (noooo not like that[8|][;)]) as in we both are artists... and the relationship grew.  He didn't exert or force control but exuded it.
He was (and is) well read, high intellect, deep, sincere and had a good solid network and solid long term friendships and a huge ego tempered with genuine humility.  He knows how to use words and values the importance of them, hence excellent communication skills.  He has never been 'shy' in showing his sensitive side.  He teaches as he learns and that pretty much rocks.
Emotionally, he taught me patience and control.  No one else ever has.
 
the.dark.



Aileen68 -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 5:05:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
Noted.  A valid point; my emails don't look like this.  The forum is a bit different though, in that it's very active, and there are a lot of posts to filter out; therefore, I'm using "cute-girl don't waste my time" tactics.  By the way, you broke the rule stated above in telling me what I shouldn't do... ^_^  Now for the fun part (for me, at least)...


You didn't just use the words cute girl in reference to me, did you?



RCdc -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 5:19:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
Noted.  A valid point; my emails don't look like this.  The forum is a bit different though, in that it's very active, and there are a lot of posts to filter out; therefore, I'm using "cute-girl don't waste my time" tactics.  By the way, you broke the rule stated above in telling me what I shouldn't do... ^_^  Now for the fun part (for me, at least)...


You didn't just use the words cute girl in reference to me, did you?


Eeek - he is new here, and suffering from slight 'i'm dominant' frenzy Aileen... deep breaths and hopefully he will get that as he has his 'rules' and lines which shouldn't be crossed... others have theirs.[;)]
 
Peace
the.dark.



TNstepsout -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 5:42:50 AM)

The only one that really stands out to me was a man who, through our email exchanges, made me laugh and seemed very insightful about me. He complimented me in such a way that it felt that he acknowledged part of me that few people even noticed.  He was reading between the lines and really gaining an understanding of me that was not superficial. It elevated trust levels very quickly.



DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 6:57:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

You didn't just use the words cute girl in reference to me, did you?


Nope, nor in reference to anything else BDSM; I go out almost every night for one event or another, and talk to damned near everybody, or they talk to me.  I'm polite, and friendly, but that puts a restraint on my time, and I cut off people if any one of a dozen warning signs crops up.  Girls that are at least moderately attractive and dressed to kill will act exactly the same way I do, I've noticed.  "cute girl" effect. 

That said, you're pretty damned cute.  I was talking about me though, not you.



toservez -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 7:05:09 AM)

My Master wrote me a message that was personal in nature that was only about three fairly short paragraphs but totally got me from my profile in his very own words. I clicked on his profile and was impressed and clearly thought what he wrote me was true to his profile and not just written for me to send back a positive reply.

We messaged for two weeks, I would say every other day as I was swamped as all women are when we first come on here then we moved to the phone. Ten days after starting on the phone we met and we were fortunate enough because of finances and distance to be able to see each other a lot over the months before I moved to him.

What was it about him… He came off as normal and realistic and would laugh off the suggestion in anyway that you are supposed to turn on a “dominant” personality to a stranger. For me he was a fascinating regular guy, clearly demonstrated a passion for this life and life in general and his personality just fit with mine. Outside of some of the topics we were discussing you would have never known we were headed to an M/s relationship until we had probably met the third time.




DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 7:07:58 AM)

Tnstepinout, the dark, thanks.

I'd like in the future to read about more specific moments, like liljoy's mentioning "he asked me what I wanted to improve about myself."  Generalizations, like "He complimented me in such a way that it felt that he acknowledged part of me that few people even noticed"... are on the right track, but I want the actual compliment.  keep on describing the journey, that's great, but bring it home with the words that were used.

Also, I'm looking for those "aha!" moments when you realized you had a committed sub on your hands... or if you are a sub, those moments when you decided then and there that this was the one.  The EXACT moment, if you can do it.  Not many people can--I know for damned sure I couldn't describe all of my aha! moments in similar mein--but I'm hoping enough of you can to shed a light on this dark corner.



DMFParadox -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 7:25:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
Noted.  A valid point; my emails don't look like this.  The forum is a bit different though, in that it's very active, and there are a lot of posts to filter out; therefore, I'm using "cute-girl don't waste my time" tactics.  By the way, you broke the rule stated above in telling me what I shouldn't do... ^_^  Now for the fun part (for me, at least)...


You didn't just use the words cute girl in reference to me, did you?


Eeek - he is new here, and suffering from slight 'i'm dominant' frenzy Aileen... deep breaths and hopefully he will get that as he has his 'rules' and lines which shouldn't be crossed... others have theirs.[;)]
 
Peace
the.dark.

 
Heh.  This one gave me a chuckle.

Collarme and the bdsm lifestyle isn't the hothouse garden some treat it as; it's a valid approach to social situations that is prevalent in some degree across the board, everywhere.  If you spend a lot of time with other people, new people all the time, then you start to see strong patterns.  Also, I personally have been aware of BDSM since I was a teen.  In simpler terms, this isn't culture shock, and I'm not new to it even if it were. 

I am feeling the urge to paddle some people that are posting without paying attention to what this is about... I was joking with Aileen, but it's true to myself and if it offends, oh well.  I'm not married to the punchline, I'll have patience and wait for the good stuff to come out from others.  (or more of it, things are promising so far.)

Edit: bloody font settings changed without permission, and suddenly I had 16pt Verdana... bah. it's been handled.



domiguy -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 7:44:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

Some specific questions:
For Doms:  Did you tell a story?  Did you make demands right off the bat, how many questions did you ask generally, what did you ask about, when you dealt with talkative girls vs. 1-line writers, what different kinds of strategies worked for you?  The girls that post attractive pictures get INUNDATED with mail; what strategies did you use for them that were successful?  The girls that don't post pictures, or have very much on their profile, what strategies worked best with them?

For subs/slaves: first off, are you high-value.... do you get lots of email?  How did His letters stand out?  What did you feel on first meeting Him, and then how did that change into truly desiring to be his sub?  How did the emotional process progress for you?

Thank you all for your insights and stories ahead of time.  Hopefully, this will get some serious posters interested in sharing their perspective.  Again, look at the list of don'ts.  If you break it, you get spankies.

Release the hounds...


Well first off you are right ...The good looking women get a ton of mail...and since there is no way possible to convey how cool I am through this medium without coming across as an arrogant prick...I go ugly early.....and often...I work on the theory that women tend to run in sets of threes or fours...And often one woman out of the group is palatable...So by getting close to the undesirable I am actually getting closer to what it is that I seek....Upon meeting "her" friends I'll start "chatting up" the hottie of the group and usually end up leaving "cockwhore4U" crying at the bar.....IT WORKS!!!!  Add this little ploy to your arsenal and you should be knee deep in the 'quality" fishy squishy stuff for years to come.  No need to thank me...Just payin' it forward. 



RCdc -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 8:33:26 AM)

Glad to make someone chukle at least![;)]
I understand that BDSM and CM isn't a hotbed but then, I never mentioned them.  I simply commented on 'life' in general.  People have boundaries and ways of appropriate behaviour in their lives.
Bdsm has nothing to do with it.
I never said you were 'new' - I said you have frenzy - ie; exuding a personality that fits the dominant stereotype... ergo... 'feeling the urge to paddle certain people' and 'cute'girls'... and then stating it.  Whilst I am sure you are trying to portray humour, any community is tough to break into and being .mywayorthehighway. on a freebie message board can push people to bite back.  Being true to yourself is one thing - but doing it at the cost of anothers boundaries sucks simply from a non consent standpoint.
 
And funnily enough our little discussion here isn't digressing from your original question.  Darcy recognised and even enquired on my boundaries when we began conversing and visa versa.  He never imposed, he simply exuded beyond them.  And that is what made him unique to me.  He exuded ego and was completely true to himself, without imposing on the boundaries that were there.  In that way, he overcame them effortlessly and moved beyond them and it is the moving beyond - that is where the most intriguing possibilities lie.
 
Peace
the.dark.



akisha -> RE: The transitioning period (9/28/2007 9:08:57 AM)

Well I don't do "online only" so guess I'm not allowed to answer. Oh well [&o]



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