RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (Full Version)

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kdsub -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 9:51:03 PM)

I think people who say they don’t have that fear are not quite telling the truth or they are not wise.
We can all be hurt by public exposure. Some may not care but they are the ones that just don’t have much to loose to begin with.
There are far to many bigots in this world...those not careful could end up beaten to death and tied to a fence in Utah.
Butch



defiantbadgirl -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 9:55:41 PM)

How can two people have a solid relationship if they hide their partner from everyone but the kink community because they fear something might accidentally slip during a conversation? I can understand a Dom not wanting to tell a sub where he works, but to never meet a partner's family or friends sounds too much like the whole married man's secret mistress thing.



xoxi -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 10:52:19 PM)

None of my jobs ever knew I was into D/s because I never discussed my sex life or intimate details of my relationship at work.  Obviously there was chat with coworkers like "he and I are going out to dinner" or "I am soooo in love" or "he bought me flowers" or whatever but standard chitchat type stuff.  Nothing intimate.

My friends know I like manly men and traditional gender roles/relationships.  They also know I like 'being tied up' and having my hair pulled...but no way do they know the extent of my perversions.  Well at least not most of them...some do.

My parents and I don't talk much.  They don't know I'm into it but I doubt it would bother my mom.  My dad might see it as a bit weird but he always saw me as a bit weird :P

I feel so bad for anyone who lost a job over this.  I'm young...I grew up in an 'open minded' world - I can't imagine anything else.



curiouspet55 -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 10:56:04 PM)

I am paranoid about this...I am going into government work, and we all know how much background information they do. I also get paranoid when people go on my laptop or my phone, that they'd see messages or things that would "expose" me. This is all why I don't list my photo on this website, or any for that matter. I wish I could be open about it, but it could quite possibly interfere with my life in a strongly negative way.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 11:06:06 PM)

That's pretty much how I do it. Guess I'm more referring to the extremely paranoid. The ones who are afraid to introduce their partner to family or friends at all. Just wondering how one gets over something like that or coaxes someone out of it.



onlyHisgirl -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 11:16:36 PM)

i am a little paranoid sometimes because Daddy and i are both in positions that could totally ruin O/our lives if anyone in O/our careers found out about O/our extracurricular activities...but W/we trust each other and W/we know that in the vanilla world W/we're presented as boyfriend and girlfriend but behind closed doors He is Master and i am His. :-)



onlyHisgirl -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 11:21:25 PM)

by the way defiantbadgirl....i love your pic ;-)



chellekitty -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/22/2007 11:32:30 PM)

i don't care, but i really just don't have anything to loose, i don't have a job and all my family knows and i don't have any children...



heartfeltsub -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 4:00:55 AM)

FR

i may just be reading between the lines here, but DFG, may i ask are you currently talking to a Dom who won't tell you anything about his work or allow you to meet his family because he says he is paranoid about being outted?

heartfelt



hisannabelle -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 4:12:12 AM)

greetings defiantbadgirl,

i have similar paranoia with regards to work and school. i do not feel beholden to my friends or family to fit their definition of who i should be, so most of them either know that i am kinky, would not care if they did, or just haven't asked yet. He is much more private with his family about that...i don't know most of His family, though (and He, although He has met some of mine, does not really associate with my family either). but when it comes to things like my future career and my education, i do start to get paranoid, and that is the main reason why i do not post pics anymore, or when i do, they are not easily identifiable (i used to post a lot of pics of myself). this is also the reason that i took off my city info. it is a fine balance between being happy with my profile and feeling secure that i will not have to worry about issues at work or with school. in terms of being involved offline, i have attended some munches in the local community and i am not very well known there, so i don't worry too much about that...for the most part, the local community is discreet so it is not a worry of mine. i have far more to lose from my profile here or carefully censoring stuff about bdsm on my website (although i do post about it in my livejournal, which is locked), i think. i also keep bdsm-related things off of my online sites and such just in case anyone from His family might stumble upon something (His daughters know He and i both have myspace sites and they know how to find me on myspace, which has links to my other sites, and the business site i designed for Him has a link to my own site...things like that)...so there is discretion in that aspect as well.

in regards to my family and friends...to me it was much easier just to be up front about "this is the way i want my relationships to be" in terms of letting them know that the other partner pretty much wears the pants. for most of my family, it doesn't need to be anymore in-depth than that. there are some family members and friends with whom i share the kinkier, more sexual aspects, but they are family members and friends with whom i would share sexual information anyway. for the most part, for those who just need to know that i am in a relationship and maybe the basics, i am just up front about the fact that i prefer to be in a submissive role without going into any detail.

respectfully,
annabelle.



Bobkgin -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 5:08:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

That's pretty much how I do it. Guess I'm more referring to the extremely paranoid. The ones who are afraid to introduce their partner to family or friends at all. Just wondering how one gets over something like that or coaxes someone out of it.


That's just weird, and makes no sense to me at all.

If you can't trust your partner in a vanilla setting, when do you trust your partner?

And bear in mind I am ruling out that the partner is married (which would provide plenty of motive for hiding the BDSM partner from family and friends).

Seems to me this is a trust issue, pure and simple, and should be addressed that way. If the partner still won't budge, find someone with fewer trust issues.

I cannot abide distrust within a loving relationship.



eyesopened -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 5:29:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Every time we go out...I make sure she wears a short skirt with a huge butt plug, nipple clamps, ball gag....and latex hood.....Her tshirt reads "stupid sub."  Mine of course says "I'm with stupid sub."  And she is required to ask all of my family and friends if they require any sexual servicing at every family gathering or BBQ or funeral that we might attend.


i love reading your posts!

to the OP:  i'm a private person.  my personal life belongs only to those with whom i wish to share it.  i don't consider myself paranoid but my job includes a morals clause and i could certainly lose my job if i were "out".  Additionally i don't share really any personal information at my job.  i don't see where it is appropriate to announce one's sexual or relationship business to acquaintances.  i'm not paranoid, just private.



susie -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 5:29:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

That's pretty much how I do it. Guess I'm more referring to the extremely paranoid. The ones who are afraid to introduce their partner to family or friends at all. Just wondering how one gets over something like that or coaxes someone out of it.


I have never come across a situation like that. As far as anyone outside of the two of us knows, we are a normal couple who live together. What we do in private is exactly that, private. I would never dream of saying something to any member of his family that would "out" him, although I know that a couple of his family have an idea of the kind of relationship he has. We often go out with my parents for dinner or away for the weekend.

If I could not trust him to not say something to my family that would "out" me then I would not trust him with anything else either.



Aileen68 -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 5:30:09 AM)

My jobs have always been more artistic rather than corporate.  I think there's much more acceptance in those lines of work and being outed and blacklisted as a result was never a concern.   I'll be self employed when I go back to work so once again being outed isn't a concern. 
As for family and friends...I'm private in my sexual life, but they all know I'm "wacky" and I doubt they' be all that surprised.



feastie -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 6:20:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Well I guess I should once again point out that it's not legal in most states to do what we do....so it is grounds for termination in some respects.


WOW, thank you SO much!! How kind. I guess I should point out ONCE AGAIN that I am in Australia and that we have entirely different work laws. I should also point out that, contrary to your seeming belief, I have not followed your OMFG 70 whole posts in this forum. ROFLMAO.

Domi, I love you and want to have your babies.


Wow, that was a little overboard on the snark, there, Maggie.  However poorly she phrased it, Laurel was only trying to give you the answer for which you asked.  Actually, the only problem in her post was "once again" and it might well be that she has posted about it before, just not directly to you.  Do screaming dominas not adhere to being mannerly in Australia?  Or is that just for the little people?

To the OP ... my private life is my private life.  I don't bring it to work or in front of my children.  It was a concern during my divorce, as my ex-husband know about it, but again, he would have had to prove that I'd allowed my children to witness any of it.  If someone were to find me on here and out me at work, I'm not sure what would happen actually, as its a new job.  However, during the discussion, I would point out that the person accusing me of impropriety or whatever was also on the site.  Since I don't have any pictures posted or use my real name, it would be tough to link me here.  If I sent someone a picture, then they obviously would have to have an acct here to receive it, wouldn't they?  So, it's a really a double-edged sword for the tattletale.



SunNMoon -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 7:34:14 AM)

It’s not that I’m paranoid; it is that I’m a very private person. I do worry that it might possibly interfere with my finding a job or other career related things.

Family well we just don’t talk about these kinds of things. They would meet my future SO, since he will be taken to all kinds of family events. I have a close knit family and they just want me to be happy and loved.

Some of my friends know. One of them has even been shown profiles of guys that I thought were cute. But she doesn’t really get it, nor do the other friends that I have that know about it. Other’s well we just don’t talk about it.

On giving out personal information, I’m just paranoid about that anyways. Not just here but everywhere on the net.



mischievousone -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 8:23:36 AM)

My partner and I look just like any other couple that you would see walking down the street, so there is nothing to hide there. As for what we do or don't do behind closed doors that is between us.  I like to keep my private life, and my public life seperate.  If I were to bring my sex life public it would be career suicide, whether it was BDSM or Vanilla.  Careers have been ruined for relatively simple indiscretions, let alone tying them up and taking a crop to their backside.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 8:24:15 AM)

I can understand the concern. Yes it can cause you to loose family. Friends and all kinds of things. It is really no bodies business. I always love the do not ask do not tell rule. If your doing business or at work it is all about that.
can you see it at a cooperate meeting going  Hey hows it going cool i got my butt spanked last night what did you do.
ROFL  Yeah right.. can you see in that in a board room meeting. Yeah Buddy Lil 

    I think a little reserve gose well here. Being a conservitive vs liberal is where Morals meet values



SilverWulf -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 11:19:22 AM)

I've never understood how people lose their jobs over this lifestyle.  More to the point, how they lost a job and didn't sue the hell out of whoever they were working for. 

IMO, the paranoia goes way over the top in a lot of cases.

An earlier post stated that what we do is illegal.  True, one cannot consent to assault and battery.

But, there is nothing illegal about D/s.  One controlling the relationship, the other doing as they are told.  One taking care of the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping;  the other working and providing direction for all those activities.  Sorta sounds like the way my grandparents lived.

If ever confronted about your lifestyle choice there should be no reason to be afraid.

"I'm the man of the house"
"We live a 50's style relationship"
"I ask for a cup of coffee and she gets it, what's the problem?"
"I work and she takes care of the house, gotta problem with that?"

The rest, keep behind closed doors.  If you have details about your play activities out there and accessible for whoever wants to read it, you may want to re-think what's on your profile if it might cause a problem somewhere in your life.

I had a boss confront me one time.  I stopped it right away by looking at him as asking point blank "does your wife swallow?"  I then followed up and said to him that what he did in his bedroom was private, and it was the same way with me.  No problems after that.

IMO, some need to ease up a bit on the paranoia.  Granted, there are some situations where the paranoia is justified to an extent, just try to not let it control your life so much that it hinders what you can do and enjoy.

Dan




LdyScarletDomina -> RE: paranoia about bdsm/ds (9/23/2007 12:24:26 PM)

I think I have a different take than most.  I am a 31 year old goth, I'm a kinky, liberal, pot headed,  loud mouthed pagan and I would rather be hated and spit upon for what I am than beloved and worshiped for what I am not.  But then again I still dress in black and put in fangs to go to the mall just to screwwith the preppies.  My ums actually love it when I dress up, they say they have the coolest mom ever.  All of my friends and family know about my lifestyle choises.  My grandmother hasn't spoken to me in 4 years because of that.  My mother has been naturally submissive to my father for 35 years.  She surprised me by being very supportive of most of my choices (they don't get the poly thing tho LOL) 

Bottom line is I prefer to have people in my life that support me, and accept me, even if they don't approve of what I do. Yes, its caused alot of trouble - I nearly lost my ums in my first divorce because I had a prejudicial judge.  (change of venue does wonders)  But it has also brought me great joy.  My friends don't talk about me behind my back, I don't work in a place that puts more value in your private life than in your work ethic, and I have no negativity from people who are bigoted or think their way is the only right way. 

Lady Scarlet



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