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just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:27:47 AM

delightfu11

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Is it to much to ask that a couple be financially stable before a girl agrees to be part of their family?

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:32:40 AM

xoxi

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No. Your preferences are your own and you shouldn't compromise them for anyone.

I'm curious as to what "join their family" means though. I would date someone who wasn't financially stable as long as he didn't rely on me to pick up the slack. I sure as hell wouldn't move in with him though

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:35:15 AM

bandit25

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They may be looking to you to make them financially stable. I'd be wary.

< Message edited by bandit25 -- 9/19/2007 1:56:37 AM >

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:35:58 AM

delightfu11

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join the family means move in with them and i dont mind helping with the bills its just i dont want to end up supporting them.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:45:55 AM

wilfulcontrol

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No, certainly not too much to ask.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 1:53:15 AM

xoxi

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Then no, it's not too much to ask at all.

Remember that stupid song "I got you Babe" that says "they say our love won't pay the bills" and then goes on into idealistic hippy nonsense about how that's okay because we looooove each other?

Love still won't pay the bills. Your love might pay *their* bills, but ask yourself if it's something you really want to do. Until then, keep your households and finances separate, and be honest with them about why you're hesitant to make that final step. If they try to guilt trip you, or say something like "But we're a family, families support each other through thick and thin" - run. Run fast and far because they might as well be wearing a big blinking sign that says "We will emotionally manipulate you for our own advantage."

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:04:30 AM

MsLilac

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No, I don’t think it’s wrong at all.

As others have said, you should be wary if they are looking to be supported. Another point of view is that, if I were the household in question, I would be wary that someone was looking for a ‘financially stable’ easy ride, and not want to pay their own way.

I recommend keeping finances separate, and just pay for your equal share.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:08:24 AM

delightfu11

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

Then no, it's not too much to ask at all.

Remember that stupid song "I got you Babe" that says "they say our love won't pay the bills" and then goes on into idealistic hippy nonsense about how that's okay because we looooove each other?

Love still won't pay the bills. Your love might pay *their* bills, but ask yourself if it's something you really want to do. Until then, keep your households and finances separate, and be honest with them about why you're hesitant to make that final step. If they try to guilt trip you, or say something like "But we're a family, families support each other through thick and thin" - run. Run fast and far because they might as well be wearing a big blinking sign that says "We will emotionally manipulate you for our own advantage."

thats what i been thinkin they want to do is just use me to help pay the bills...i told them i would want to keep going to school and they said that was fine "if the numbers crunched" but the numbers wont crunch cuz they are totally against me getting any kind of loan for school and i dont have a big enough grant to make it thru without a loan.

also im on disability and they want me to get an under the table job so i can work and get the disability. sorry thats not something i feel comfortable doing but they just sweet talk me about it. i think im to gullible or something when im talking to them their excuses make sense til i hang up the fone and then im like that doesnt sound right.
sorry this is so long im just tired of the guilt trips.

(in reply to xoxi)

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:10:41 AM

KiandPhoenix

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If that is what you want, then not wrong at all. Look at us. We are able to support ourselves, but not able to support a third. We expect a third to at least be able to support themselves, and don't expect them to support us. Why should you on the other side of that type of equation be asked to feel differently.
~Ki

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:15:34 AM

MissMagnolia

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I'm thinking the best people to ask is the couple involved. If you don't like what they seem to be saying, why are you even considering them? Better to leave the "relationship" sooner rather than later.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:16:07 AM

xoxi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delightfu11

thats what i been thinkin they want to do is just use me to help pay the bills...i told them i would want to keep going to school and they said that was fine "if the numbers crunched" but the numbers wont crunch cuz they are totally against me getting any kind of loan for school and i dont have a big enough grant to make it thru without a loan.

also im on disability and they want me to get an under the table job so i can work and get the disability. sorry thats not something i feel comfortable doing but they just sweet talk me about it. i think im to gullible or something when im talking to them their excuses make sense til i hang up the fone and then im like that doesnt sound right.
sorry this is so long im just tired of the guilt trips.

Ugh. You know what you need to do. And don't feel an ounce of guilt for doing it. Run. And laugh while you do it because you have a far better head on your shoulders than this dysfunctional lot trying to snare you.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:20:46 AM

Lashra

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There is red flags all over the place here. What if you get caught working while on disability? Are these people going to pay your bills when that disability is yanked out from under you? No I don't think so. Go to school and forget these people, your education is more important than anything they could offer you.

~Lashra

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:33:17 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delightfu11

thats what i been thinkin they want to do is just use me to help pay the bills...i told them i would want to keep going to school and they said that was fine "if the numbers crunched" but the numbers wont crunch cuz they are totally against me getting any kind of loan for school and i dont have a big enough grant to make it thru without a loan.

also im on disability and they want me to get an under the table job so i can work and get the disability. sorry thats not something i feel comfortable doing but they just sweet talk me about it. i think im to gullible or something when im talking to them their excuses make sense til i hang up the fone and then im like that doesnt sound right.
sorry this is so long im just tired of the guilt trips.

Yep, they are just using you. Suggesting you commit fraud tells you all you need to know about their honesty and integrity.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 2:51:12 AM

soultoshare

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just one word for you, dear......RUN!!!!!!!

Run like hell...they see you as a meal ticket, which you seem to realize based on the qouted post alone. It's your gut talking...LISTEN TO IT!!! I don't expect anyone to support me, and I refuse to support anyone else. I learned that lesson with my ex hubby....it was MY money till it was in the joint checking account, then it was HIS......I'll never do that again!

There are honest folks out there who won't take advantage of you.......wait for them. IF you enter into an arrangement with these people you are talking about here, then all I can say is that you made your bed, you'll have to lie in it. Not only do they want you to support them, they want you to break the law. Trust me, they won't be there to bail you out when you get caught!

Just my .05 worth.

< Message edited by soultoshare -- 9/19/2007 2:53:15 AM >

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 3:28:17 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delightfu11

...i told them i would want to keep going to school and they said that was fine "if the numbers crunched" but the numbers wont crunch cuz they are totally against me getting any kind of loan for school and i dont have a big enough grant to make it thru without a loan.

also im on disability and they want me to get an under the table job so i can work and get the disability.

I see two big RED FLAGS right here.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 3:39:47 AM

MsLilac

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You seem to already know the answer to this.

What would happen to them if you got caught committing fraud? Nothing. What would happen to you if you got caught? Your whole financial support net comes crashing down, not to sure of the law over in the U.S, but you could be up on charges, you are basically in the shitter. Can you honestly say that this couple would be there to support and help you out?

If they keep trying pressuring you into it, cut them off. The fact they suggest that you put your whole future at risk like that says a lot about them. Someone already made a great suggestion about concentrating on your studies, prepare for your own future.

This obviously isn’t sitting right with you. You know what to do.

Whatever happens, good luck.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 3:47:45 AM

bandit25

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Honey, do what your heart is telling you to do and don't for ONE SECOND feel guilty about it. You take care of you first!

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 4:51:24 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delightfu11

Is it to much to ask that a couple be financially stable before a girl agrees to be part of their family?

No but you may want to define what you consider to be financially stable and state that upfront.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 4:51:25 AM

ProlificNeeds

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I'd make sure my business partner, a husband, ect, anyone I was joining finances with, was financially stable. Why jump into the pool if the person is guarenteed to start dragging you down with them? I'm not advocating that money is all, but I wouldn't trust my bod to someone who's in the habit of mutilating or killing. I also wouldn't trust my financial stability to someone who cannot look after their own.

If you 'join' the family on the basis you still have control over your own bills/work ect, and aren't tied into their financial obligations, then sure, you're safe, just be careful what you put your name on.

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RE: just a q thats been bothering me... - 9/19/2007 4:55:30 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delightfu11

thats what i been thinkin they want to do is just use me to help pay the bills...i told them i would want to keep going to school and they said that was fine "if the numbers crunched" but the numbers wont crunch cuz they are totally against me getting any kind of loan for school and i dont have a big enough grant to make it thru without a loan.

also im on disability and they want me to get an under the table job so i can work and get the disability. sorry thats not something i feel comfortable doing but they just sweet talk me about it. i think im to gullible or something when im talking to them their excuses make sense til i hang up the fone and then im like that doesnt sound right.
sorry this is so long im just tired of the guilt trips.

Ok... all this?

Red flags. Big waving red flags. If you want to finish school, hold out for people who want you to finish school. They exist. If you were talking to us, there wouldn't even be a discussion about it. You would get the loan and finish. Cheating the disability system? Well, I personally find it disgusting and wouldn't bother with anyone who wanted me to do that.

Good luck!

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/19/2007 4:57:19 AM >

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