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RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 6:25:51 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Train him well, and then be happy in doing such a great job in your service that he finds no problems in stepping up to the plate when called upon.........who you are is NOT what you do, what your relationship is is NOT who does the cooking. You'll be fine.

That is a great way to look at LA, thank you.

quote:

If you have the money, maybe you could hire out some help.

Keep in mind the situation is temporary, and a little role reversal might be fun.

Psychologically, too, know that your being sidelined serves a greater purpose of you having improved health and mobility. This will make you more "useful" on the back end.

And as a real non sequitor, if I were your neighbor, I would have loved to pitch in to help somehow.

Thanks cloudboy. If Hubby has to go see a client of His i do have someone i can hire to care for me. My aunt has full time care givers and they are wonderful and one of them would come if necessary. You are right i will be much more useful than i am now when i recover, including for sex

. Thanks for the offer to help.

quote:

One thing I have done is make a to do list that consists of things that I can do.

Great idea, thanks tammyjo.

quote:

I would suggest both of you say "I'm sorry" ahead of time for everything that's going to get done wrong over that initial recovery period when he's having to do everything you have been accustomed to handling. Realize that he's going to do everything "all wrong", he's going to put everything in all the wrong places, yet you're going to have to let him win every argument about whether you can get up and do it yourself--because your recovery will rather insist on it!

LOL so true.

Thank you candy, celeste and cyntilating for your well wishes.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 21

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 6:58:16 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

Having been in this situation myself, I can tell you that he will find a way to adapt to what needs to be done.

In my case, the real problem was the cooking. I had to take a crash course, via online, on how to prepare decent meals. My STRONG suggestion: concentrate on meals that you can prepare in bulk, and freze the excess for later. The crock pot was my saving grace during my wife's post op recovery. What kept me sane, what kept our BDSM relationship alive, was going to PT together. Those scenes were unconventional, but they were effective! She pushed herself hard, and made a recovery in record time. (Her physical therapist started out thinking I was a total bastard, but by the end she was squarely in my corner. No surprise to see her show up months later at a munch and then a play party.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 22

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 7:03:57 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

my (step)Dad was and still is one of the most dominant men i know, although he doesn't call it that (that i know of..lol), and i can guarantee that he's done every bit of this many times over. After my mother had a stroke that left her paralyzed on the left side, he took complete (and i do mean complete) care of her until her death 5 years later. To say he's my hero is an understatement of mammoth sizes. i don't find the "helpless" man any more attractive than i do the "helpless little woman". i'd tell him how you feel...maybe he'll surprise you.

Good luck.

jimini

PS: Be sure to give him lots of praise, no matter where he puts stuff or how he does things. He's still a "newbie" after all, and will need lots..lol.

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions?

< Message edited by krikket -- 9/17/2007 7:07:28 PM >

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 23

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 7:17:51 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I simply want to chime in with my well wishes for you..When my Mother had her hip replacement in october a few years back..her only wish was to be able to dance with my Father once again..she was able to 3 months later and she was age 72 at the time..so as they have told you recovery will be hard but quicker than one would think..just remember to keep up on your physical therapy as that will allow a more successful and speedy recovery...Now as to suggestions..gather together easy recipes for him to follow and make them very detailed on preparation..and as someone said crock pot meals cannot get much easier..but frankly you will be there with him..so I am sure if he is not sure on something he will ask for clarification.and as for the rest of the household chores..let it go...:0)..do not stress it out..you will be back to your usual in plenty of time to avoid the condemned sign from being posted to your door..

...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 24

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 7:21:39 PM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

Hi proud, I wouldnt worry about if he has helpless man syndrome at this point. What is important is to find ways to help you both get through this and you have gotten alot of good suggest. I would try to precook and freeze as much as you can. Most soups freeze well and you can freeze them in portions. add some cracker and a salad .. you have a meal.
Maybe write out a chart for him of what you usually do in a day.
Ask for outside help where and when you can.
Most importantly Dont worry it will just drive both of you crazy.

Just think he might get a taste of what you do daily and apperciate you even more then he already does.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 25

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 8:52:57 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Most soups freeze well and you can freeze them in portions

Thanks for the idea, i have a few good soup recipes that are South Beach friendly that i will freeze.

quote:

Just think he might get a taste of what you do daily and apperciate you even more then he already does.

One can only hope.

Tempting--i'm glad your mother is doing so well.

quote:

as for the rest of the household chores..let it go...:0)..do not stress it out..you will be back to your usual in plenty of time to avoid the condemned sign from being posted to your door.....Tempting

LOL, i can picture me now pushing the vacuum while holding onto my walker.

krikket--your step dad deserves a lot of credit.

quote:

Be sure to give him lots of praise, no matter where he puts stuff or how he does things. He's still a "newbie" after all, and will need lots..lol.

Good point, thank you i'll do that and no criticism.

quote:

What kept me sane, what kept our BDSM relationship alive, was going to PT together. Those scenes were unconventional, but they were effective! She pushed herself hard, and made a recovery in record time. (Her physical therapist started out thinking I was a total bastard, but by the end she was squarely in my corner. No surprise to see her show up months later at a munch and then a play party.)

Wow Bipolarber, interesting concept to make the PT exercises into a scene.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LaMspeach)

Post #: 26

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 9:05:07 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Fast reply

Sighs............It's cool to like being the caretaker. Learn not to hog it all the time-Even owners like to be able to do it.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 27

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 9:46:12 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

proud,
I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a short and uneventful recovery. As you probably know, I have had to have a couple of major surgeries recently. I have always been the one to do for everyone else and having to have people take care of me and wait on me was a very difficult thing for me. I asked for this same advice on here. People reminded me that it was selfish of me to not ask for or accept help from those who love me. Selfish because I get so much pleasure out of doing for everyone else, that by not allowing others to care for me I was robbing them of the pleasure of doing for me too.

Celeste had some awesome suggestions. Also, when I've had time to plan ahead for downtime, I make a lot of meals in advance. I went out and bought one of those Food Savers that seals your food in bags (a great investment!). I divide the meals into portion sizes and freeze them. You can make lots of foods to lay pretty flat in them and then I freeze them on a cookie sheet so you can stack them in the freezer. That way they don't take up as much space. The bags are tough enough that you (or hubby) can then reheat them in a pan of boiling water and you have nice home cooked meals without a lot of mess or fuss.

I did a lot of reading while I was recuperating, so stock up on some books you've been meaning to get to. Once you are feeling like you can sit up for more extended periods....small chores can be brought to you so that you feel like you are still contributing, as Celeste said. I used to fold the laundry sitting up in bed....well, ok, not sheets or big stuff like that but you get the idea. It was also a great opportunity to go through and organize paperwork and clean out those junk drawers (everyone has those right?).

Anyway, also take some time to notice how happy it makes others to care for you. Best wishes and keep us posted as to when this will all be happening. (Also, if you know anyone else on the boards, remind them to keep us updated on how you're doing!)

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 28

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/17/2007 10:20:30 PM

silentsubby

Posts: 46
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

Best wishes for a speedy recovery. I had surgery in April that had complications that ended up with my Dom/Hubby having to take off work to care for me.. it was hard to give up and let him do for me but in the end I realise that he did it because he cares and loves me.. remember that things they do are not going to be perfect and they are doing the best they can.. we ate quite a bit of take out but in the end we survived it and I am sure you will too... it is a different "power" that we have when it comes to caring for those people and things around us but the power can be passed on and taken back when you are ready to take it back and nothing they mess up cant be fixed... just focus on yourself and that will allow you to heal faster and better and get life back the way you are used to it.

_____________________________

silentsubby ~protected, collared and loved for eternity by BigDaddyWyoming~

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 29

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 4:01:42 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Hi proud,

I'm going to tell you congratulations on your surgery! You're going to feel much better in a relatively short amount of time and won't that be a welcome addition to your life?

Making meals in advance, making a checklist for daily chores or a weekly schedule is a great thing. They will prove very useful to your man. He loves you, he will not mind one bit taking care of you and your home. However, do yourself a favor and realize that he probably won't do things just like you do them, when you do them, etc. You cannot use that as an excuse to overdo, either. Follow your doctor's instructions and ignore that your guy doesn't do things the way you do. He'll be doing the best he can, because he loves you. That's the important thing, not whether it gets done.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to silentsubby)

Post #: 30

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 7:57:28 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

Try cooking big pots of soups and stews now and freezing them in meal sized portions in freezer bags.You can do pot roasts with veggies and things like that and slice and freeze them as well.

Make a list of things like when and what to feed the cat so while you are in the hospital and still doped up at home he knows what to do.

Go over basic stuff and leave him instructions in a notebook for stuff like how to run the washer, the dish washer etc. Along with instructions for what gets washed with what.

Leave him a list of the brands, sizes, types of grocery items you normally buy.

And HAVE PATIENCE! The hardest thing for me is to sit still and let some body else do "my" work. Right next to not sighing when they go shopping on their own because trust me, they will get something back wards. Not intentionally, it is just that i am normally there to buy what i cook with.

It is so damn hard not to fuss but go "OK, tonight we make it out of this". Not anybodies fault, so learn to let it go.

On the plus side, Jewel always manages to find something, some little gift she knows i'll love to cheer me up because i am feeling bad that day. My favorite cactus and bike care utility bag i got that way.

Rest and heal yourself is the very best thing you can do for him right now.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 31

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 9:43:09 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

Yes.

Tell him men have been surviving on their own for tens of thousands of years, and it is time he learned to do the same.

If necessary, write out instructions and post them in a prominent place so he doesn't keep bugging you about how he does this or that.

Sorry for being testy, but I don't do the 'helpless man in the house' and I've little patience for men who can't or won't learn.

I have to agree with this 100% and I too do not mean to sound testy. Contrary to popular belief men are not helpless.

To the OP in your position since he is used to living this way writing things down for him maybe helpful. But that may cause you more stress then perhaps hiring a maid to come and do the usual chores and hiring someone to come care for you. Expensive? It can be but unless you have a relative/friend thats willing to come and help you both out you may have no other choice. Unless of course he decides he wants to learn to do these things just in case something ever happens to you and he has to learn to take care of himself.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 32

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 12:59:17 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions?

Ok first he is a 60 year old with a brain... Is he incapable of caring for you if so find someone who can. My thought is he has a brain and I am sure he can figure out what needs done... It is not rocket science here it is house work and cooking.... Unless he has some handicape we are not being told about that keeps him from doing what needs done I am sure everything will be fine.

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 33

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 1:34:13 PM

KiandPhoenix

Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

Not to put a morbid spin on it, but what if one day you die before he does? He will have to know how to do all these things anyhow. I train my subs to exist without me for exactly that reason. I also have to know how to survive. For years before I was in the lifestyle, when I was sick, I used to tell my girlfriends "I will still do 'X thing' because if you weren’t here I would have to do it myself anyhow". When I spent a year alone I had no problems. As I posted in another thread, I still do dishes, laundry, trash, pay bills, shop, on the rarest of occasion I will change the litter box.

Others have suggested you get help, and that may be the way to go if you are a neat freak. Things probably wont be done great, or the way you like them, until you take over again. He needs to know how to live alone though. Written instructions are a good idea, because he can feel less like an idiot asking you things like "What setting do I put the whites on" over and over for every detail.

I understand the feeling of being useless. The more inured I am, the harder it is to keep me in bed, because I want to prove that I am not useless. There is no good solution to this feeling though as far as I have found.
~Ki

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 34

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 2:53:54 PM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf

My thought is he has a brain and I am sure he can figure out what needs done... It is not rocket science here it is house work and cooking....

Not picking on you SkyWolf, just snipping a piece so i can make a comment to all those who posted in the same vein here.

Everybody stop!

This is not about whether or not the man is capable, i am sure he will get through it.

I do not see any where proudsub said he was incompetent.

He could be the Head of the Pentagon and she will not feel like he can open a can of cat food on his own, worse, like most of us subbies, myself included, in regards to our dominants,she thinks he should not have to.

Proudsub is like most of the subs here, ah hell like most house wives i know.

Nobody and i mean nobody is going to get it exactly right, no matter how hard they try. All women have a "way" they do things, to their own satisfaction, the way in their mind pleases their Master/man.

And like any good subbie (yes i know let go and let your dominant help, now for the truth of the way subbies think) she is worried about her not being able to do things, about somebody having to do them.

Will he remember Fifi only likes 9 lives, he has never used the new coffee pot on his own before, will he water my plants every other day....on and on.

It is natural for her to feel that way. I am not saying it is right, only that if you asked most subs in the same situation, they are going to have those worries.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to MstrSkyWoIf)

Post #: 35

RE: stressing over being cared for - 9/18/2007 3:29:14 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a short and uneventful recovery.

Thanks erin. I do remember you posting about the same concerns.

quote:

I went out and bought one of those Food Savers that seals your food in bags (a great investment!). I divide the meals into portion sizes and freeze them. You can make lots of foods to lay pretty flat in them

I have one of those in the cupboard that i haven't used in years, time to pull it out, thanks for the suggestion. Thanks for all the other good ideas too, gonna make a to-do list.

quote:

Best wishes for a speedy recovery. I had surgery in April that had complications that ended up with my Dom/Hubby having to take off work to care for me.. it was hard to give up and let him do for me but in the end I realise that he did it because he cares and loves me.. remember that things they do are not going to be perfect and they are doing the best they can.. we ate quite a bit of take out but in the end we survived it and I am sure you will too.

Thanks silentsubby. I know we will be eating a lot of take-out too.

quote:

I'm going to tell you congratulations on your surgery! You're going to feel much better in a relatively short amount of time and won't that be a welcome addition to your life?

Thanks feastie, i sure hope you are right.

quote:

Go over basic stuff and leave him instructions in a notebook for stuff like how to run the washer, the dish washer etc. ....And HAVE PATIENCE!

A notebook is a good idea, thanks twice. Fortunately i am a very patient, easy going person but this will certainly test it.

quote:

This is not about whether or not the man is capable, i am sure he will get through it.

He is a good learner, i simply have spoiled Him too much over the years.

quote:

And like any good subbie (yes i know let go and let your dominant help, now for the truth of the way subbies think) she is worried about her not being able to do things, about somebody having to do them.

Yes that was the point of my thread but there are a lot of good suggestions here.

To the ones who suggested hiring help. I will only do that as a last resort after i see how it goes. Maybe a one time cleaning service after 2-3 weeks would be a good idea. I certainly am not a "neat freak" so a little mess won't bother me at all as long as things are sanitary.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 36

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