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[Poll]

How many BDSM partners...


1-2
  23% (10)
3 - 5
  34% (15)
5 - 10
  16% (7)
10 - 20
  16% (7)
more than 20
  2% (1)
more than 50
  2% (1)
~100, give or take a dozen or so
  4% (2)


Total Votes : 43
(last vote on : 8/29/2008 4:35:16 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:04:10 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_1280451/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm  How many…
 
On the thread linked to above, we were asked how many sexual partners have we had. 
 
Like several other posters here, I grew up before AIDS and never knew anybody with an STD.  While I graduated from high school a virgin…I made up for it as a young adult; I have had many sexual partners…but as another poster said, sex with casual partners leaves me feeling a little empty inside.  While I’m no prude, I do like to know the people I’m intimate with…or it just doesn’t feel intimate.  I like to date a person a couple or three times while I decide if we are going to have an intimate relationship together.  Having said that doesn’t mean I automatically expect the relationship to last forever, nor am I hunting for a spouse; all I want is to know who it is I’m fucking.
 
Oddly, this became a real issue yesterday when a submissive guy bailed on a relationship with me because, while I didn’t play with him on first meet, I was willing to play with him the next time we met; but not include sex.  He made the comment that beatings are more important to me than sex (???) and he just couldn’t let someone tie him up and NOT fuck him.  He said he was in a sexless marriage once and didn’t want to fall in love with a woman who would be the same; the gamble was too great, so while our first date seemed nice he doesn’t want anymore unless they include sex.  I pointed out a date or two was awful fast to decide if ya loved someone or not; sex or no!  He didn’t see the irony.
 
I feel like hiking, dancing or sharing books and movies, BDSM play is a way to get to know a person; it does not automatically include sex but perhaps like foreplay, it gets more and more intimate as we get to know each other.  For me, intimate play with people I’m close to is much more fun…I just don’t have to go there to enjoy myself with new friends; we can play AS we get to know each other.
 
At any rate, the other thread prompted this one.  I know there are lots of people who connote BDSM play to sex.  I don’t.  I enjoy BDSM play as a way to get to know others (I play at dungeons with friends around) and how we all learn what it is we like and don’t like about BDSM in general.  Most of the people I know play with several others, often times even when they are partnered up.  It just isn’t about sex all the time.  Sure; its better when it IS…but that is usually for more intimate times and for more intimate relationships. 
 
My question here is:  How many BDSM partners have you had?  Please discuss your feelings regarding sexual intimacy and play, and how long you've been interested in BDSM.  Thanks
 
MsB


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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:22:53 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I have had three owners, two men and a couple. I do not know how many BDSM casual play I was involved with them while I was owned more then a few but not a ton. I have played with two others that when we were “dating”. Pure sexually I have had far more people and have not been in a monogamous relationship with my owners.

I know I am in a pretty small minority on here because I have seen the question before but for me it is exponentially easier to be sexual with someone on a casual basis that I could simply not be with BDSM. To me BDSM/D/s is far more personal and far more mentally deeper for me then sex. Now I am not a just loves to get spanked type of gal as BDSM is part of a power exchange relationship and totally plays on my mental side so I come from complete opposite side of the OP that letting someone play with me on that level is far more intimate then someone fucking me.

As far as the OP story she shared I will defend the man a little. I do not know the whole story but it seems clear he thought sex drive compatibility was not going to happen right or wrong so he stopped it. I give him credit for stopping when he did. If he only thought BDSM had to be sexual in nature then that is his loss but if he truly thought he was headed to a relationship where sex drives and philosophies were not going to match up then he should get some credit.

As this post makes me look like a sex floozy I have often found that sex can often actually get downplayed too much in this life of ours after we of course throw out the HNGs. That drive is important to most and for some can be totally separate for some totally inclusive and for some can be both.


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(in reply to MsBearlee)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:25:27 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I have had a lot of partners, BDSMwise.  I have only seriously owned one, but I have played with many over the years. Some have included sex, some have not. They are not one inthe same to me, but depending on the playmate at th etime, one can lead to the other.

DV


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VampiresLair

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:34:48 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez
...
As far as the OP story she shared I will defend the man a little. I do not know the whole story but it seems clear he thought sex drive compatibility was not going to happen right or wrong so he stopped it. I give him credit for stopping when he did. If he only thought BDSM had to be sexual in nature then that is his loss but if he truly thought he was headed to a relationship where sex drives and philosophies were not going to match up then he should get some credit.
...   


I couldn't agree more, toserve; I've never understood pursuing a relationship that is clearly doomed.  My thoughts were that we DID seem to click and had chatted two weeks and had very much in common.  That he actually humped my arm while sitting together (sheeshhhh), I tried not to jump to the conclusion he was an HNG.  I didn't get sexual with him but I did sit close with him, draped my arm over him, played with his hair, etc.  It seems odd to me he can decide I'm not a sexual being based on a single date...sans sex.  I'd say we hardly know each other.
 
It's funny; I've been chatting with a couple friends who tell me I'm whacked for not fucking the guy; more than one said he'd dump me for not taking him to bed on the first date, too!  That just floors me...  It's hard to believe I can be so involved in BDSM...and be old fashioned!     LOL
 
Thank you for your comments; it's interesting how different we all can be about play and sex, huh?
 
B

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:41:24 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		been in 2 long term power exchange relationships....and 5 to 8 more people that i have done BDSM play with more than once or twice...if you want to add just the once or twice...thats gonna boost it up to betwen 20 and 50...i have been doing this for around 6 years... 4 years publically...

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(in reply to MsBearlee)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:46:39 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Over the years I had several numbers of sexual partners though it's only within the past 2 years where I've had both feet in the world of BDSM. On that note, I have had three partners that was based upon a BDSM aspect and with one, I was owned and collared by a Master.
    I reched adulthood at the start of the AIDS crisis and my entire adult life is lived under this shadow. My interest in BDSM probably has been with me my entire adult lifethough mostly in fantasy and wishing to experience all I read and heard about. It wasn't until my late 30's that I reached a point where I had a more cpmplete understanding about my sexual interests and gaining more self confidence as a person to where I unabashedly state I am into kink. I consider myself part of the population where BDSM and sexual play are hand in hand. For me it adds spice to a regular sexual activity and some areas it more then just sex.
   I am discrimminating in the sex partners I choose and who I choose to have sex with, this I also apply to who I engage in BDSM play with also. I have taken the time to better educate myself in matters of personal health and this is the prime motive behind my choices.
   I found I can be sexually intimate with a person who I barely know and the same applies when I play with someone for the first time. The only "requirement" is I need to feel a small level of attrraction for the person to fully enjoy the play experience. There is a certain level of intimacy created in that situation but usually it's not to the extent I would have for my S/O and/or Dom.


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(in reply to MsBearlee)
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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 1:50:59 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		These are the types of subjects that just fascinate me because they clearly will depict the giant differences between everyone who is in this life and then we will go in to some thread with a singular topic and we will write like we are all the same.

This particular topic always fascinates me because time and time again I am in a giant minority that clearly people like yourselves can have casual D/s/BDSM more then casual sex. I understand it on some level as your guy could have just been wanted some kinky sex and kinky without the sex he just was not going to do, and for others like this to eliminate them buy not doing both at the same time. Still like yourself and others who talk about this that is not the only or main reason is interesting to me at least.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to MsBearlee)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 2:13:02 PM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild
…
  I found I can be sexually intimate with a person who I barely know and the same applies when I play with someone for the first time. The only "requirement" is I need to feel a small level of attrraction for the person to fully enjoy the play experience. There is a certain level of intimacy created in that situation but usually it's not to the extent I would have for my S/O and/or Dom.  
 
Thank you for your comments, bear.  I appreciated this last paragraph and believe it is much the same for me.  It is not that I haven’t enjoyed sex with someone on a first date…it’s just that sometimes, if the messages aren’t clear, I prefer to wait and get to know someone a little better.  It’s not like I need three months or anything, just a date or three before I decide what the person is really about.  Dating is like eating a new food to me; a single meet may not enough to make a decision about the item. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

…   I understand it on some level as your guy could have just been wanted some kinky sex and kinky without the sex he just was not going to do, and for others like this to eliminate them buy not doing both at the same time. …
 
LOL   Clearly that was the case, toserve.  Perhaps it was the humping on my arm that squicked me, but I was willing to give it some time.  <shrugs>   Perhaps he has the same feelings about BDSM as you seem to…that it takes more trust to let someone tie ya up than it does to just fuck ‘em.   A single date as a deal-breaker just seems kinda fast to me.
 
Still, I’m very interested in people who find play (even safe play with new partners when there are others around) impossible.  Some seem to feel easy play is the same as easy sex; people who engage in it are just…well…easy.   And then there are others who think being a slut is a good thing; go figure! 
 
Ain’t life grand? 
 
B

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/17/2007 2:23:39 PM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		Many many bdsm partners, and  sexual partners over the years ,I too am a child of the era when aids and most other sexual contacted diseases weren't around,I lost my virginity at 14 to my next door neighbor,A good friend of the family, she was cute as a bug but lets face it any thing was cute back then...lol

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/18/2007 9:01:04 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		There's a bit of a discrepancy between BDSM play partners (more than a few) and how many people I've had a romp in the sack with (not as many).

In either case, I'm not really one to keep score. I don't care about numbers, I care about connections.


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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/18/2007 9:29:31 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		I am keeping my mouth shut on this one and probably a good thing that I do
i'm a good girl (whistles)

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/18/2007 9:32:04 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i grew up in a household where sex before marriage was not allowed. i was 23 when i lost virginity with my first sexual partner (now my ex).  i don't believe in spreading myself around due to STDs and AIDS. i was very selective in choosing my partner while i was separated and my former dom was my last active sexual partner which was 2 yrs ago.

currently i don't have any sexual or play partners (one night stands are so passe and unfulfilling to me) which includes Daddy too. our D/s dynamic doesn't have the aspect of being physically intimate with Him which is fine with me. i don't need sex to feel complete with Daddy ...there are other ways of having intimacy.

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/18/2007 10:31:08 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		bad girls spit, good girls swallow....great girls gargle....


i am a good girl too


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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/18/2007 11:47:54 PM   
HotFaerieMama


Posts: 2617
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		i've had sex with a total of 5 people three were girls one of the guys is my ex hubby.. as far as the lifestyle goes i was collared for 4 years ..that was mostly me sitting around wondering where the hell he was.. and i now have  a mentor who very well may collar me.

*is a good girl*

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 2:05:21 AM   
Damocles809


Posts: 532
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline 		About 9 or 10.

Only had sex with one. 

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 2:44:34 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have had three and I am not into casual play so that explains the low number. I have to care about someone in order to play with them. If I don't have some sort of feelings or a very strong attraction at the very least, I could care less about them quite frankly. I like to really know my partner beyond just a Hi how ya doing, want to beat my ass tonight? kind of thing.

~Lashra


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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 2:51:38 AM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		chellekitty- are you sure we aren't sisters?

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RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 3:51:02 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

bad girls spit, good girls swallow....great girls gargle....


i am a good girl too


then i must a prized jewel to my guy since i don't do neither


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 6:07:58 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Two relationships.  At parties and such with my dom....maybe add another 6 or so to the list.  As casual partners.

(in reply to MsBearlee)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How many BDSM partners... - 9/19/2007 6:21:38 AM   
acissej


Posts: 2370
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: New Jersey
Status: offline 		I've had five BDSM partners.  One was pretty casual, three were pretty serious, and one was so serious I married him.  I had vaginal intercourse only with the husband, and oral with two or three of the others.    

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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