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Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 4:49:32 AM   
Kelika


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Cincinnati
Status: offline 		People who have been my friends for awhile now know that I have put a lot of effort into bettering myself as a person. Well, the other night I was having a discussion with a friend of mine offline who is dominant about internal mastery. ANY submissive woman or man, in my opinion, should ask a prospective dominant how they have mastered themselves; hell for that matter I ask people who claim dominance that are just going to be friends. I do this for many reasons, but one obviously is to see if they know how to master themselves and to learn from them. If they don’t know how to master themselves, then how could possibly hope to master me if that is what they are seeking?

Well, with all of this work I have done and been doing on myself, learning how to make my life better, taking responsibility of it, trying to master my emotions so I don’t see the negative in every situation…things like that, I have started to think of it as mastering myself.  I try to stay positive and even take positive things out of a negative situation.  I also got a new job a few months ago, have helped my father out greatly, and honestly become a glass half full person who thinks carefully about the actions I do and things I think.  I work very hard to better myself in all facets of my life, not just BDSM.

In this discussion that I had with a friend, he agreed completely and said that any woman who hopes to be in a D/s or M/s relationship, in his opinion, should master themselves as well before they seek such a relationship. So, I think that we both agreed it helps you as a human being to grow and also to understand how to do very hard work on oneself. Now that I am working hard on “mastering” myself…do I want to be a dominant?? Oh hell no! I do what I have to do, but I much prefer doing them for someone else, or at the very least enjoy doing them much more when it makes someone else proud or happy. I have learned that much.

So what other things go into internal mastery? Do you think it’s for dominants only? If a submissive woman/man or slave is going to master themselves, what do you think that would entail?  Is it different for submissive women and men to master themselves then for Dominants?

Well wishes, Kelika

_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~ Anais Nin
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 5:32:08 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Being able to exercise self-control is something I'd recommend to everyone.

It's a life-skill, not a bdsm-skill.

It's because of self-control that most adults do not throw themselves to the ground kicking and screaming and holding their breath till they turn blue because they're frustrated.



_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 5:42:39 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Having one's "shit together" is an attractive quality of any submissive I might be interested in.
 
While I can certainly say the same is true of me, I wouldn't particularly appreciate strangers asking me how I've mastered myself - wtf is that, I've gotta prove something to them?  They can make up their own minds as our conversations and preferably real time together unfolds.
 
But some personal examples anyway....  I own my own home, am debt free and have money in the bank.  I have a stable job and strong work ethic in general.  Finally, I do NOT live with my mother!  lol
 
Focus.

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 5:55:48 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Finally, I do NOT live with my mother! lol

LMAO...thats nice!


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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 5:59:17 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I agree that 'mastering yourself' isn't a bdsm thing - just a life thing. While I cannot claim to have mastered myself - I am definately a work in progress. To me it is about financial security and professional security - but also spiritually - you need to know what you believe in. You need to know your inner strength and have confidence in your abilities. As they say 'if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything!'

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 6:16:23 AM   
Satyr6406


Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline 		Frequently, I've spoken to submissives who seem to say that since they're not presently owned, they see no need to "improve themselves". Others say that since they are not owned, they don't know in which direction they need to grow; they need to know what "He" wants her to be.
 
In both of these cases, my response, invariably, is: "But, what are you doing to get yourself ready for when 'He' comes along?".
 
Now, some might say that I am demanding that they account for themselves but, what I'm doing is trying to give them some motivation in a direction that I think is a very good one.
 
I don't want a submissive that I have to spend a lot of time "training" and particular things, in a relationship (I like eight ice cubes in my soda glass) are easily absorbed if the submissive has already incorporated certain principles into their lives.
 
The preparation isn't about certain forms and postures it is the same as it is for dominants; be the best person you can be, know what you have to offer to another person and then, you can present a pleasing "offer" to just about anyone.
 
I mean, let's face it; "respect" means pretty much the same thing to everybody. While some might think not turning your back on your dominant while exiting a room is a good way to show that, just having the prinicple of respect in operation in your life is the winning strategy. Once you already know how to respect others, the outward signs of that respect become very easy to "learn".
 
I think some of us get far too mired in the symbols of this lifestyle and forget that, just like in the 'nilla world, it's WHO WE ARE that matters most to potential partners/mates.
 
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
 
Michael

_____________________________

Peace and comfort,


Michael

Former Vice-President Gore didn't invent the internet but, he DID make up global warming!

(in reply to Babybass)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 6:22:21 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Kelika
   and happy weekend..
 
about this word "Mastery" >>>
 
There are parts of your post I can definately relate to.  In the last couple years I have, also, been experiencing some more personal growth and awareness.  Seems it goes in cycles for me>> about every 4 or 5 years "life" reminds me to look deeper into myself and re-evaluate...
  
Honestly, the term "mastery" trips me up.
It is probably symantics and my own spin on the word> but I cannot help but think of perfection and completed or finished when using the term mastering something..
 
We are all a "work in progress" for the most part. 
 
Do I feel that the submissive/slave be self-aware, have a certain amt of control over her/his life and is emotionally and mentally coming from a healthy place of giving and living??  yes..absolutely. 
Do I feel that she/he needs to have every aspect of herself and her life mastered?   No...  it's unrealistic imo..
It is unrealistic, imo, to expect a potential dominant/domme to have completely mastered his/her life, as well.
 
I would much rather be with someone who brought to the relationship the ability, desire and drive to be the best he could be  ( call it mastery if you want to ) ..than have him already think he has it all mastered and stops growing and learning.
 And, I would much rather I feel that way and be that way in what I bring to the relationship> as the submissive.
 
In my experience..just when we think we "have it all down pat" ...life has a way of reminding us we don't ...
 
 
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 6:44:55 AM   
jaxnsax


Posts: 106
Status: offline
Greetings
Why not just call it what it actually is?
Being a mature, responsible, adult.
Mastery really has nothing to do with it in my opinion
jaxon

< Message edited by jaxnsax -- 9/15/2007 6:45:22 AM >

_____________________________

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
~Chinese Proverb~

(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 6:48:12 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I can't say that I've ever felt the need to ASK how a chap has mastered themselves or how anyone has. I assume it's pretty much the same way I have, my children or my grandchildren have; trial, error, experience and self-satisfaction, maybe.

I excercise self-control because it benefits me, or those around me. If I don't, the results aren't awfully pleasant sometimes. I don't do many things that don't benefit me in some way, if any.

I can be seen as a *good mother* sometimes, because I did the *right thing*. I can't truly say that I got a great deal from it, apart from the fact that I avoided being seen as a *bad mother*.
Self-serving.

agirl












(in reply to Kelika)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 6:48:31 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I own my own home, am debt free and have money in the bank.  I have a stable job and strong work ethic in general.



And such individuals never have temper tantrums, never abuse the wife, never kick the puppy and never mistreat anyone?

I was unaware that being financially successful cured all these problems.

And yet, I knew an individual richer than God, who -bought- his mother a home, who was in a near constant state of intoxication and who couldn't string three sentences together without one of them being insulting.

Yet with his boss, co-workers and clients he was smart enough to be polite because that was the only way to ensure his pay cheque.

I see nothing wrong with anyone asking me how I developed my self-control. Why should such a question be considered offensive?

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 7:03:22 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Satyr6406

Frequently, I've spoken to submissives who seem to say that since they're not presently owned, they see no need to "improve themselves". Others say that since they are not owned, they don't know in which direction they need to grow; they need to know what "He" wants her to be.
 
In both of these cases, my response, invariably, is: "But, what are you doing to get yourself ready for when 'He' comes along?".

Micheal


Well, if they only see any purpose in life, in terms of being owned, that's fair comment.

My experience of being owned is being encouraged, shoved and even forced towards being/doing what *I* want to be and do.

agirl




(in reply to Satyr6406)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 7:28:21 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Everyone needs to do this.

When I read that subs expect a Dom to take all of the responsibility for them..I can only think.

Good lord, you cannot be a three year old forever.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 7:52:15 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		The whole "Mastering yourself" thing is really just a buffed up and polished way of saying "growing into a mature adult".

However, if people just said "growing into a mature adult" and not "striving to Master one's self", it would take away from the "WOW" factor of being a Dominant.





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Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 7:58:33 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

The whole "Mastering yourself" thing is really just a buffed up and polished way of saying "growing into a mature adult".

However, if people just said "growing into a mature adult" and not "striving to Master one's self", it would take away from the "WOW" factor of being a Dominant.






Exactly.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 8:06:48 AM   
TankII7871


Posts: 174
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		You grow, up you grow, old you grow,old you die.  fuck that i refuse to play that game therefor ill never grow up and become an adult.

Eric

who just keeps getting better and better toys
the mother of my childern and grandmother of my grandchildren will tell you real quick that she is 12.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 8:30:08 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Whenever I see a wanna be codependent "sub".......I can only say to myself.. "here comes trouble-I'll pass."

Too many people come to D/s from a lack-rather than a strength.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to TankII7871)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 8:42:38 AM   
Kelika


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Cincinnati
Status: offline 		Thank you for your comments...*smiles*.  The way my dominant friend approached it was an article that he is working on for our local groups newsletter and it's entitled "Internal Mastery", much like we use the term "internal enslavement".  What I found wonderful about it though was that it wasn't something he was strictly going to speak about at the Dominants roundtable dinner, but sharing it with the submissive women and men in the community as well.

Yes, I do think it is all about bettering oneself and it is a fancy way of saying that...*chuckles*; but in our lifestyle it is a term that we hear thrown out a lot...Master.  It's too difficult to get into semantics of what is a dominant as opposed to a master as we all have different opinions I am sure.  What I do think, or hope, we all agree on in the community though is that one should be able to A) Either have the skills necessary to be a good dominant/Master before claiming that title or B) Be a submissive man or woman who works hard on better themselves as well and is not just looking for someone to "fix" them; meaning that no one can "fix" yourself -but- yourself.

I used to be a woman who said I wanted to be a slave because I wanted someone else to tell me how I should live (OMG, I was so warped when I first came to the lifestyle...lol).  I'm not saying it is bad to want someone to do that but for that to be the reason for me was horrid!  Slaves and submissive men and women have SOOOO much responsibility.  I was not in a good place emotionally when I came to the lifestyle and I honestly think I was looking for someone to fix me or to love me enough for the both of us.

Since that time, I have spent an enormous amount of time, effort and energy into understanding myself, my behaviors, the triggers, my past, present and what I would like out of the future.  My father is a recovering alcoholic, a recent recovering alcoholic and I think when that happened, when I was -forced- to be the one to take care of everything in his life and in my life...it all finally clicked; all of the reading, what past mentors and I discussed, all of the things I knew intellectually but couldn't yet understand or grasp emotionally.  It was like an awakening. 

I do hope that a submissive man or woman would work on themselves and it's something I do, as I mention, inside and outside the lifestyle.  So, while I can understand saying that they don't want to do something until the owner is present in their life...I guess for me, that wouldn't show enough passion or enthusiasm to want to express what I am capable of doing for him when I have a "him" in my life.  When I read books in the lifestyle or go to bashes, I select what I read with thought and care as to what might benefit a relationship later on (most of the time....lol.  Sometimes a girl just likes learning or watching something specific). 

I also found it quite interesting when I mentioned to a Master friend, one that I would drop to my knees for in an instant, that I bought a book to read "How the Irish saved Civilization" that he said the authors name and when I read it to let him know and we could discuss it.  God any time I get with him I feel wonderfully blessed because he is so busy, so it's in again, all facets of life.  If I want to attract a highly intelligent man...then I have work on being highly intelligent myself.  

Thank you again!  I have a DM and First Aid class I need to get ready for...another chance to broaden my knowledge and skills!


_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~ Anais Nin

(in reply to RRafe)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 8:45:25 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

So what other things go into internal mastery? Do you think it’s for dominants only? If a submissive woman/man or slave is going to master themselves, what do you think that would entail? Is it different for submissive women and men to master themselves then for Dominants?


Being self aware. Being honest with yourself. Exerting self control. Being responsible for yourself, your well being, your reactions, your happiness.

No matter how much control someone may give to another, that does not absolve them from personal responsibility. You're still an adult, and there's a lot to be accountable for. Even if the only thing you are entirely accountable for is your emotions because your dynamic is micromanaging flavor of TPE (just a specific example, not a generalization), it's still something.

I really can't comment if the experience of being self aware is different along the D/s line. I imagine it may be different amongst people in general.


_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 9:57:21 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kelika
So what other things go into internal mastery? Do you think it’s for dominants only? If a submissive woman/man or slave is going to master themselves, what do you think that would entail?  Is it different for submissive women and men to master themselves then for Dominants?


ok...so this is my opinion and my opinion only...

i belive that if i don't have control over whats going on inside of me, how the heck can i hand over the reigns to someone else and how the heck could someone could take another's reigns if they can't control whats on theirs? i also believe that health has three prongs - mind, body and spirit, and all must be taken care of for a person to be...healthy...all must be taken care of for me to be healthy...and i will not get into another realtionship until i am healthy...the part of that health thats relevant to this post is the mental part...or is that spiritual? one of those...both of those...perhaps all three could be thrown in...

i don't know if its any different...i've never been in anyone else's head while they were learning to better themselves...i don't use "master" in reference to myself...because i don't lead even when i am alone...i don't do well with leading...and not to get too deep into it, but...i think it could be summed up with the words i had tattooed as a reminder to myself on the inside of my left wrist a week ago "God's will, Not yours"...and its so much easier in the passenger seat...not trying to control whats going on, following the path thats already there...even if it is the one less traveled by...

if another s-type wanted to better themselves, and they did not have a D-type (or wanted to do it as a suprise or got permission to get help or whatever the circumstance) to help them through the process...if they came to me, i would sit down with them and figure out what areas they wanted to work on, and then figured out how they thought they could do it...then give them the encouragement to do it....we have all the answers in our heads...sometimes it just takes the right questions to access them...

oh and i was discussing this with my mom of all people, last night, the phrase "internal enslavement" seems to explain away co-dependency these days and make it all nice and happy and acceptable...

chelle...


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to Kelika)
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RE: Is mastering yourself only something for Dominants? - 9/15/2007 10:18:40 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Why not just call it what it actually is?
Being a mature, responsible, adult.


This is also how I view it.  It's not a lifestyle thing, it's a life thing.  It has to do with how you conduct your life, in general, being consistent and taking care of things.  Shouldn't be difficult for an adult, but as we see here every day, not so easy for some.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 20
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