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Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casual pl... - 9/6/2007 10:04:53 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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Sparked by something I saw on the good dom/bad dom thread.....

For those who do engage in casual scenes at play parties, do you view them as examples of Dominance and submission? If you are the Dominant party, do you expect submission from the "s" type? If you are the "s" type, do you expect to be "dommed"?

Maybe I am in a minority on this. I do engage in casual play at parties with dominants that I feel comfortable with. I don't however, see them as "being my Dominant" for that frame of time. This has created some controversy at times and even led to scenes that just didn't happen.

When negotiating such a scene I have had a few dominants who have taken the stance of "I'm the Dominant here and I will decide what I do to you and what you will take". No, I'm sorry....but if I am agreeing to engage in a casual scene with someone, it is not because I have a desire to be "their submissive". It is because I am agreeing to engage in casual play because I have a desire to play or because there is something that I feel will be of benefit to be had...for myself, for someone viewing or for the involved dominant. It is not because I am volunteering to be the crash test dummy for him to fulfill his own agenda with. I view it as a "Top" and a "bottom" interacting for that time frame...not as "Dominance" and "submission".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:07:54 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

For those who do engage in casual scenes at play parties, do you view them as examples of Dominance and submission? If you are the Dominant party, do you expect submission from the "s" type? If you are the "s" type, do you expect to be "dommed"?

Nope. I expect, in the words of a dominant I play with, to be taken where I want to go.

He enjoys beating on me. I enjoy being beaten on. It gives him no authority over me.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:08:37 AM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Sparked by something I saw on the good dom/bad dom thread.....

For those who do engage in casual scenes at play parties, do you view them as examples of Dominance and submission? If you are the Dominant party, do you expect submission from the "s" type? If you are the "s" type, do you expect to be "dommed"?

Maybe I am in a minority on this. I do engage in casual play at parties with dominants that I feel comfortable with. I don't however, see them as "being my Dominant" for that frame of time. This has created some controversy at times and even led to scenes that just didn't happen.

When negotiating such a scene I have had a few dominants who have taken the stance of "I'm the Dominant here and I will decide what I do to you and what you will take". No, I'm sorry....but if I am agreeing to engage in a casual scene with someone, it is not because I have a desire to be "their submissive". It is because I am agreeing to engage in casual play because I have a desire to play or because there is something that I feel will be of benefit to be had...for myself, for someone viewing or for the involved dominant. It is not because I am volunteering to be the crash test dummy for him to fulfill his own agenda with. I view it as a "Top" and a "bottom" interacting for that time frame...not as "Dominance" and "submission".

It can be. I've seen some serious power exchange at play parties where you can really tell it was about Domination and submission. I've also seen them where it's just about Topping and bottoming.
However sometimes a "just a topping and bottoming scene" can turn into a deep D/s power exchange.

As long as you and the person you are playing with are communicating what you are getting (and want from the scene) then it's all good. If a Dominant is topping you but thinks it's about D/s then it could be an issue. Hopefully you are asking them what they are getting out of the casual play with you and you are sharing with them what you are getting out of it.

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:17:18 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
For those who do engage in casual scenes at play parties, do you view them as examples of Dominance and submission? If you are the Dominant party, do you expect submission from the "s" type? If you are the "s" type, do you expect to be "dommed"?

Not generally, but it can happen.

I'm going to Boston next weekend for a service weekend. We're fairly casual partners with eachother, but we've talked a lot about this weekend and what it will mean for us and that will definitely entail dominance and submission for us each in this situation.

But that's only because we've decided we want to 'go there' not just because we happen to do a scene together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:18:56 AM

treadingwater

Posts: 11
Status: offline

From some, the casual pre-arranged scenes are the extent of their involvement in D/s; so for them, they do see these as what a D/s relationship entails.

For others, D/s has more meaning and goes beyond just activities that are arranged.

And then still you have those who can combine the two yet keep certain parameters in place ( as you mentioned, you play causally but do not see this as a D/s exchange; more of a Top/bottom exchange )

For myself, I don’t engage in casual play or play parties so my view of D/s is strictly the interaction that I have with others. I view the two as personality traits and not acts.

With all that aside, having someone tell you how a pre-arranged scene is going to play out; dismissing your input from it; that is not something that I could partake in. Unless I knew the person very, very well; and they knew me just as well ( in this case I would most probably follow where they lead ), I would refrain from playing with them.

edited because my font was way too big

< Message edited by treadingwater -- 9/6/2007 10:19:42 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:20:14 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ
It can be. I've seen some serious power exchange at play parties where you can really tell it was about Domination and submission. I've also seen them where it's just about Topping and bottoming.
However sometimes a "just a topping and bottoming scene" can turn into a deep D/s power exchange.

As long as you and the person you are playing with are communicating what you are getting (and want from the scene) then it's all good. If a Dominant is topping you but thinks it's about D/s then it could be an issue. Hopefully you are asking them what they are getting out of the casual play with you and you are sharing with them what you are getting out of it.

Hmmm....you know, I should say that there are very few dominants who I will agree to play casually with....and most of them have been close personal friends for years. It is a rarer occasion that I will play with someone new in a casual scene, and that usually only happens after I've observed at least a few of their scenes.

I have had many occasions though, of people who have watched a scene come up afterward and comment on the "power of the energy and connection" and sometimes even what a beautiful example of "Dominance and submission" it was. They are often shocked when they ask the question "How long have you two been together?" to find the answer is "Oh, we're not together....just friends who enjoy a good scene."

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 10:23:40 AM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

Hmmm....you know, I should say that there are very few dominants who I will agree to play casually with....and most of them have been close personal friends for years. It is a rarer occasion that I will play with someone new in a casual scene, and that usually only happens after I've observed at least a few of their scenes.

I have had many occasions though, of people who have watched a scene come up afterward and comment on the "power of the energy and connection" and sometimes even what a beautiful example of "Dominance and submission" it was. They are often shocked when they ask the question "How long have you two been together?" to find the answer is "Oh, we're not together....just friends who enjoy a good scene."

I've seen that too and I may be like "wow" but I remember when I first went to a dungeon I thought the same thing and would say similar comments.

I will say though the first time I saw a deep spiritual scene was also at a Play Party at a public dungeon and I didn't know the players (at that time) but they were instrumental in my desiring more than the spank and tickle Saturday night fixes I was getting up to that time.

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 11:00:00 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
He enjoys beating on me. I enjoy being beaten on. It gives him no authority over me.

Yup, that is exactly how I see it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 12:05:45 PM

wilfulcontrol

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Depends...I've had someone at a play party grabs my arm and say "You're the only person here who hasn't spanked me yet" and whatever play we engage in will stay at the Top/bottom level. Sometimes We've accidentally hit someone's hot buttons and scenes got very intense very fast and had a very strong D/s element, which is why communication is important if you are going to play casually.

_____________________________

"In the darkest hole you'ld be well advised not to plan my funeral before the body dies"

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 12:18:41 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

~FR~

Only to a certain extent. If I'm engaging with someone I will listen to their direction for my own safety. If a Top is telling me not to move, it may be because they are about to use a knife or something so I'm not about to move and get a nipple sliced off. Mostly, though, I'm only going to engage in scenes with strangers that aren't going to be all that dangerous to my physical health because they're, you know, strangers.

Of course, that's all rather moot for me now since I'm not allowed to bottom anymore but this was taken from the perspective of my past when I used to bottom frequently. In actuallity, I submitted to certain criteria, not to the person with whom I was scening. In that respect, that person also submitted to certain criteria and if they failed to meet that criteria, the scene was stopped immediately.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to wilfulcontrol)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 12:23:03 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Sparked by something I saw on the good dom/bad dom thread.....

For those who do engage in casual scenes at play parties, do you view them as examples of Dominance and submission? If you are the Dominant party, do you expect submission from the "s" type? If you are the "s" type, do you expect to be "dommed"?

Maybe I am in a minority on this. I do engage in casual play at parties with dominants that I feel comfortable with. I don't however, see them as "being my Dominant" for that frame of time. This has created some controversy at times and even led to scenes that just didn't happen.

When negotiating such a scene I have had a few dominants who have taken the stance of "I'm the Dominant here and I will decide what I do to you and what you will take". No, I'm sorry....but if I am agreeing to engage in a casual scene with someone, it is not because I have a desire to be "their submissive". It is because I am agreeing to engage in casual play because I have a desire to play or because there is something that I feel will be of benefit to be had...for myself, for someone viewing or for the involved dominant. It is not because I am volunteering to be the crash test dummy for him to fulfill his own agenda with. I view it as a "Top" and a "bottom" interacting for that time frame...not as "Dominance" and "submission".

It depends. I have negotiated and done scenes with submissives where the energy flow was, as you described it, from Top to bottom and bottom to Top. I have also done scenes with submissives who felt that submissive energy and in turn, made me feel dominant energy and for that scene only, we interacted in a dominant-submissive mode with it fading away at the end of the aftercare.

The people involved are what makes it what it is. There are submissive friends of mine who feel submissive around me, whether we are scening (rare, rare, rare for the last year) or not and I feel dominant towards them but this is all in a friendly, non-binding way. It is just the way we interact. There are other submissives I know who do not make me feel dominant nor feel like a top...I feel neutral towards them. I might like them as people, enjoy them, have fun talking with them, etc. but I get no vibe of a D/s nature at all.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 12:52:05 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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Ahhhh...I agree. Good scenes do have that submissive/dominant energy going on, at least for me, but you said the way that I feel best when you said "in a non binding way". I guess I just don't see that energy though as being submission, although it may indeed be submissive. I don't know if that really makes any sense to anyone but me, but I don't really know how else to describe it. Submission to me is a whole other thing that encompasses far more than could ever be inspired in the course of a scene at a play party with someone I have no desire to have a longer term, more meaningful relationship with.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 2:18:12 PM

teamnoir

Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline

Locally, most casual play is primarily SM based. D/s based play is less common. However, it's fairly common for the primarily SM based casual play to include occasional overtones of d/s.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 2:40:37 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

It really depends. Sometimes I don't expect it, but it happens, and it's really cool.

Other times I've played with people I don't even know well who WANT, crave, need, ache for real authority transfer and I like the idea of going there with them. I design what I want and they're surprised and the surprise is part of the appeal. I had to do this as a professional, but I love the improv quality as a non-pro.

(in reply to teamnoir)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 4:49:57 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: teamnoir

Locally, most casual play is primarily SM based. D/s based play is less common. However, it's fairly common for the primarily SM based casual play to include occasional overtones of d/s.

I would have to say that locally here, the play usually involves committed couples most often. Yes, singles do indeed get together and play, but it's more rare.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to teamnoir)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 4:58:19 PM

SolarAndViolet

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

The few times I've done (semi-)random casual scenes, it's been mostly Top/bottom as opposed to D/s unless a particular dynamic comes up and both she and I are responsive to each other in that fashion. I personally, like to find buttons and learn how to push them, and that takes time.

Much the same, it takes time to build an understanding to both feed both the Top's desires to dominate and/or control as well as the Bottom's desires to be submissive. Perhaps one has watched the other and had a general idea what things to do to get the person to drop, or to want to take control.. or perhaps it's even discussed ("do x, then y and z, and I'll do whatever you want", etc).

If people can jump right in, that's great for them, and I hope they enjoy it. I can feel awfully possessive, and if I don't get a feel that the bottom is 'mine' (at least for a time, if it is casual), then it's not easy for me to just 'Dom'. Much like there's a difference between being with 'A Dom' vs. being with 'My Dom', there's a correlation for me that is there when I think of 'My girl' as opposed to playing with 'a girl'.

Which isn't to say that bondage and S&M play isn't meaningful and enjoyable, it's just different. If seeking D/s with a girl, I'm looking for a deeper connection then "hey, want to scene?"

-Solar

_____________________________

Vici, Vidi, Veni... (S)

Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 5:09:59 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I view it as a "Top" and a "bottom" interacting for that time frame...not as "Dominance" and "submission".

In most cases... watching others play in a causal situation.. I would see it as Top - bottom interaction at a minimum. In general, I can't state with any creditiblity that D/s interaction is occuring or not occuring. It' because D/s is more mental state of mind between the individuals that is manifest in our behaviors. Behaviors that both would see in the same light.. IE Dominant or Submissive as the case may be. If.. I am fortunate to know or be apart of the mental mindset that they share between themselves.. then I could appreciate the D/s component.

Now... for myself... the few times I have played causal have never been a D/s interaction. For me causal is someone that I am only mildly know or just met. Mostly... I only play with individuals I know very well and have an ongoing relationship that exist without play. These indivduals that I play with.. well.. the natural tendency of Dominance on my side and submission on theirs has an influence on our relationship... and therefore is very much a part of my play with them.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 5:16:25 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

In a dungeon/party setting where we played with someone we met there it would certianly just be a Top/bottom interaction. There really isn't any way for me to get my head wrapped around anything else. Thats one of the reasons I have never done a lot of casual play in that manner. It is too difficult for me to get into many areas with someone where I don't really know them, their reactions, or levels.

Now we do have friends where things fall into an inbetween. It is not causal play but its not a "relationship" either. For the time they are here, (whether that is a couple of hours, a couple of days, or a couple of weeks), there is a D/s exchange involved.

K

(in reply to SolarAndViolet)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 7:03:14 PM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

To an extent, yes.

This means that I'll do scenes in which I, as the dominant, essentially govern how the scene goes. (Post-negotiation--we've worked out what's desired and what's forbidden for both of us, now I get to figure out what to do within those boundaries.) I see this as a bit of d/s, yes. I'll also do casual things that have overtones of authority, like scenes involving humiliation, training, punishment, or commands, and service.

With ongoing casual playmates, sometimes, even if we don't have a formal d/s relationship, we have subtle elements of leading/following in our interactions. I think this has something to do with my finding moderately deferential and attentive people more attractive.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you see/expect dominance and submission in casua... - 9/6/2007 7:08:33 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Top/Bottom.

At best, I would call it an "erotic simulation" and somewhat hollow to me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

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