Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: How do I please him?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How do I please him? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:51:09 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

...As I'm reading the OP and subsequent posts, I feel as though you are not the problem.


Really?  I get just the opposite.  The OP sounds more and more like one of those drama queens who has a disproportionate view of what and how she should be.  She sets expectations of herself that far exceed her capabilities and then, upon not meeting them, laments to all who will listen about how terrible she is... particularly her dom.  It's a passive-aggressive method for gaining sympathy and support.

I agree with slaveish on this one...

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

It sounds like a convoluted problem you create for one simple reason: attention.


Her dom may indeed be setting her up for failure, but I seriously doubt that.  I know few men who would, for such a great length of time, bother with someone they cared that little for.  Unless they are stuck married to them.

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:09:33 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Her dom may indeed be setting her up for failure, but I seriously doubt that.  I know few men who would, for such a great length of time, bother with someone they cared that little for.  Unless they are stuck married to them.



Hey Treasure!  First off i hope you know how much i think of your and KY's opinions, but i have to disagree with this.  The man i was with did it for 5 years.    Very similar situation, i constantly blamed myself (as did he) and i put up with this for 5 freakin' years.  He would set the bar, i could never reach it, i blamed myself, then got pissed off and acted out and when it was all said and done was convinced that it was all my fault.  There may be more men out there that would bother with someone they cared that little for, without being married to them, than you think. 

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:10:36 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		You speak of displeasing unintentionally and at the same time of a dark, self-destructive personality.

If you are truly incurring his displeasure unintentionally, that to my mind suggests that his expectations have not gotten fully communicated--that, for whatever reason, the two of you are not in sync.

Communication is vital in any relationship, and it is imperative in TPE relationships.  If you don't know what his exepctations are, for whatever reason, you are not likely to succeed in meeting them.

However, if you find yourself acting out of spite, or jealousy, or anger, and are not able to control these negative energies, then seek out a good counselor or therapist, to discover why you can't shake these demons.


_____________________________



(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:14:49 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Her dom may indeed be setting her up for failure, but I seriously doubt that.  I know few men who would, for such a great length of time, bother with someone they cared that little for.  Unless they are stuck married to them.



Hey Treasure!  First off i hope you know how much i think of your and KY's opinions, but i have to disagree with this.  The man i was with did it for 5 years.    Very similar situation, i constantly blamed myself (as did he) and i put up with this for 5 freakin' years.  He would set the bar, i could never reach it, i blamed myself, then got pissed off and acted out and when it was all said and done was convinced that it was all my fault.  There may be more men out there that would bother with someone they cared that little for, without being married to them, than you think. 


And I've heard the story from far too many (and seen the results far too often) to believe it never happens.

And if they were as has been described, I shouldn't have been able to have helped so many find their self-confidence.

<shrug>

With so many sadists (and sadist wannabes) I guess it is too much to expect compassion to be a common trait in any bdsm 'community'.

What a waste of humanity.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:16:58 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		personally, i would suggest he lower his expectations a little and if he didn't and i were you, i'd be damned if i'd stick around anyone who constantly made me feel like i was nothing more than a huge disappointment to them; and in your situation, that's the last thing you need added to your already 'self-destructive' personality.

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:30:14 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

...As I'm reading the OP and subsequent posts, I feel as though you are not the problem.


Really?  I get just the opposite.  The OP sounds more and more like one of those drama queens who has a disproportionate view of what and how she should be.  She sets expectations of herself that far exceed her capabilities and then, upon not meeting them, laments to all who will listen about how terrible she is... particularly her dom.  It's a passive-aggressive method for gaining sympathy and support.

I agree with slaveish on this one...

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

It sounds like a convoluted problem you create for one simple reason: attention.


Her dom may indeed be setting her up for failure, but I seriously doubt that.  I know few men who would, for such a great length of time, bother with someone they cared that little for.  Unless they are stuck married to them.



A prime example of how different people interpret the same thread.  I'll stand where I am, thanks, and wait for the OP to provide additional information.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 12:24:00 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

I swear Sir, it's me not he. I seem to implode from time to time. I'd never try to kill myself. I'm having a hard enough time in this life without adding another to my karmic future.

It sounds like BOTH of you to me.  You both aren't getting your needs met at least based on what I've read here.

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 1:34:20 PM   
kikinymph


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Hmmm.. okay, without knowing the whole situation.. and from a submissive standpoint... here's a little thought or two.. take 'em or leave 'em.

First and foremost is to talk to him.  Ask if what you are doing is pleasing to him.  Ask him to be very specific in what his expecations are of you.  Ask how you can improve.  Some dominants like to change the rules and keep you off kilter.  Some use the appearance that nothing is pleasing them as a tool to help you learn that sometimes you need to ask for help, or to double check with them.  While it is frustrating for us to have the rules changed on us, it is amusing to the dominant whom we are serving at that time.  If it is a lesson that you need to learn, then ask if it a lesson that he is trying to teach you.

Personal implosions and a personally perceived loss of control means that you may need to take it upon yourself to do some Self Improvement.  After all, in every situation there is always one common denominator--you.  So after you have eliminated or examined all the other factors, then you can work with you.  First off, do some self analysis... what seems to set you off?  Is there a specific situation?  Or does it happen at certain trackable intervals (hormonal changes, a few days without contact with him, or a week or two without a scene?)  Now that you've kinda figured out a pattern, or what actually happens within you... how do you think or feel (physically feel as well as emotionally) just before you pop?  With those extra awarenesses you can set up a game plan... when I feel like I'm about to explode, then I will go take a walk or get some quiet time, I will go sit at my Owner's feet, or ask for a hug--and sometimes I even ask for a very specific kind of hug...sometimes I will even give a little scream (when my Owner isn't present--it upsets him).  Find somethings that you can do to decompress those feelings.

And don't forget to TALK calmly and sincerely with him to let him know what you are doing to help head off the explosions.  Ask him for his help--what behaviors does he see you do, just before you go off?  Maybe set up a phrase or hand gesture (umm polite) that lets you know that he is seeing that behavior.

Clarifying his intentions, figuring out what it is that is troubling you so deeply, strategizing on how to help yourself, have him help you can all be positive steps.

Kiki
Guarddawg's Pet


_____________________________

"That which yields is not always weak." Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 4:02:48 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		NightSoftWhisper,

Take a deep breath, you are not alone. Many people have self destructive or defeating behavior patterns that overpower their lives or relationships at times.

First and foremost, A Master or any Dom should never be looked at or viewed in the same light of a Qualified Therapist or Professional.   The problems you are dealing with your Master simply may not have the skills or knowledge to help you properly deal with it. 

I picked up on a couple of things.

You said "I only want him to be Happy but I aways fall short of that goal".  Is this an expection he placed upon or you, or is this your own expectation you are placing upon yourself?

Personally, I would not want this to be part of my sub/slaves goals.  Why? Because it's not a realistic goal, any sub/slave will fail me at some point in time.  Why?  Because I'm a human being, It's impossible for me to be in a state of Happiness 24/7 all year long.   Perhaps you should have a goal such as "I want to serve my master" instead of "I want to make him happy".

Anybody trying to make another human being happy all the time, and maintain this, will fail at some point in time, and the failures will happen often in that relationship.

Again, I stress that Master/Doms should not be looked at or treated as if they are Qualified Therapist or Professionals.  Mind you many Masters have developed skills similar in nature, they simply might not be able to Help Guide you, or Teach you how to get past this.

Your Master may or may not be contributing to your failure, be it intentionally or unintentionally.  I'm not going to try to pass judgement here.  

I do think what is important, is that you realize there is a problem, and that he is aware of this problem as well.   Communication and understanding between you two will go a long way.  However, in order to properly deal with this.  You may need to keep on exploring yourself and relationship dynamics a little deeper.  Be this through self help books, counseling or whatever. 

Personally, I feel and is my opinion, that you are setting yourself up for failure with having the "Goal of making him happy".  

A Small Stupid Example:  Sure somebody can bring me my morning cup of coffee, and I might appear to be emotionally indifferent about it.  Meaning I am simply content.  If the sub/slave was expecting for it to put a Happy smile on my face every time, well they would feel they had failed me somehow.   While in truth, they had not failed me at all.   Perhaps, I simply was not in a good mood that morning for some reason.  Let's say, I had been struggling with an issue at work and it was on my mind at the time she brought me that cup of coffee. 

Now, if the sub/slave took this to heart and went off and started beating herself up about it, to the point she lost focus about checking up if I required a refill... well, she would have failed me.  Basically, everything can start to spiral out of control for all the wrong reasons.

So, perhaps it would be better to simply think in terms of how can I be of service to my master.  A sub/slave that can bring me my morning cup of coffee, regardless of whatever mood I'm in, just full filled her role of being of service.  Mission Accomplished,  Goal is maintained, no failures.  100% Sucessfully Accomplished.

I hope this makes sense to you, or others reading this thread.  What I'm trying to stress here.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 8/25/2007 4:05:03 PM >

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 4:11:18 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Stop trying. His happiness or lack of it is his problem. Some people can't ever be pleased.

All you can do is your best and that you are doing. If he asks for a glass of water and you get him one with two ice cubes but he is disappointed because it should have had three ice cubes and a slice of lemon, then it is his fault for not telling you ahead what he wanted.

As far as your jealousy and own unhappiness, I would think that's obvious. You need to feel special to him, that he values you enough to give you a tangible sign of the relationship - a collar. He tells you that you aren't special enough to merit one, that you won't ever be.

So why are you with someone who constantly puts you down and who has made it clear that your needs will never be met. He knew who you were when you met, if you weren't the right one then he should have been honest then instead of enjoying your emotional unhappiness.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 5:18:50 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Hey Treasure!  First off i hope you know how much i think of your and KY's opinions, but i have to disagree with this.  The man i was with did it for 5 years.    Very similar situation, i constantly blamed myself (as did he) and i put up with this for 5 freakin' years.  He would set the bar, i could never reach it, i blamed myself, then got pissed off and acted out and when it was all said and done was convinced that it was all my fault.  There may be more men out there that would bother with someone they cared that little for, without being married to them, than you think.


Thank you, angelic. 

You are right, there are men who would do this but I'm not getting that from the OP's posts.  I could be very wrong, of course, and I admit that... I don't mean to sound cold and unsympathetic.

However, aside from the comments made by the OP that I find telling (for goodness sake, she's a 52 year old woman... you'd think she'd have learned a little self-control by now), I find it curious that she just joined CM ten days ago, claims to be in a three year relationship that she wishes to save, yet her new profile clearly states that she is seeking a dominant. 

I think that if she truly loves her dom as dearly as she says and is that concerned about not destroying their long-term relationship, she has a lot more problems to be worried about.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 5:29:51 PM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Hey Treasure!  First off i hope you know how much i think of your and KY's opinions, but i have to disagree with this.  The man i was with did it for 5 years.    Very similar situation, i constantly blamed myself (as did he) and i put up with this for 5 freakin' years.  He would set the bar, i could never reach it, i blamed myself, then got pissed off and acted out and when it was all said and done was convinced that it was all my fault.  There may be more men out there that would bother with someone they cared that little for, without being married to them, than you think.


Thank you, angelic. 

You are right, there are men who would do this but I'm not getting that from the OP's posts.  I could be very wrong, of course, and I admit that... I don't mean to sound cold and unsympathetic.

However, aside from the comments made by the OP that I find telling (for goodness sake, she's a 52 year old woman... you'd think she'd have learned a little self-control by now), I find it curious that she just joined CM ten days ago, claims to be in a three year relationship that she wishes to save, yet her new profile clearly states that she is seeking a dominant. 

I think that if she truly loves her dom as dearly as she says and is that concerned about not destroying their long-term relationship, she has a lot more problems to be worried about.



My apologies, Treasure.

I hadn't looked at her profile till you mentioned it, and I can see you have valid reasons for doubting her tale.

It is damn peculiar, with a profile like hers, to show up here making the claims she's made.

The only thing I can think of to give her the benefit of the doubt is perhaps that profile was written at a point where she was ready to give up, and now she is having second thoughts (perhaps because the responses to her ad haven't been what she'd hoped?).

But it is still peculiar, and good reason to ask her to explain herself a lot more clearly.

Note to self: before jumping to the rescue, read the profile.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:42:31 PM   
AEVanVogt


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		NSW, if I were your Dom, I'd strip you naked and beat the hell out of you for putting such personal problems on a list for everyone to criticize and philosophize about. Did you get permission from your Dom to air your laundry? It seems as though your initial post was correct; it isn't him; it's you. He seems like a smart, but maybe a little intense, Dom who is trying to teach you to be a good sub and works very hard to make sure you do the right thing. By your account, he's worked with you for three years to help you get it right.

And, most often, I bet you do exactly what he wants. It's just that you don't see it that way because you can't get everything you want in return. So I agree that it's really your problem, and all of the posters on this thread have had something valuable to say. If you are the one who keeps sabotaging the relationship, why is he still around? How many times has he put up with your drama and rejection and allowed you to come back, tail not so much between your legs, and given you the support you crave?

If I were he, and I saw these posts of yours, I would have to work very hard to control myself. But I would control myself, because it seems like your Dom is not the problem at all. You are his problem, and he's used to dealing with you. Work on it. Meanwhile, next time you see him, make sure you get very far down on the floor (kissing his feet is a good idea) and beg him to forgive you. I wonder if he will. Actually, if he does, he ought to post about his own problem.

AE

< Message edited by AEVanVogt -- 8/25/2007 6:44:41 PM >

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 10:15:07 PM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin
The problem is this erodes self-esteem, which leads to "self destructive" disorders (trying to prove the sincerity of your love for him by hurting yourself).

On edit:

A good D/M is going to give you things to do that you can do successfully, to build up your confidence and to encourage you to think well of yourself (if for no other reason, to thwart those self-destructive activities).

Not saying everything you do is perfect, but I don't believe anyone is -always- failing at everything they do.

If indeed he was disappointed in you at every turn, why would he keep you? Who wants to live with constant disappointment in an intimate partner?

If he is keeping you out of some sense of charity, that is yet another hit against your self-esteem, and yet another reason for your self-destructive behaviour (a form of self-inflicted punishment to show him how much you regret disappointing him).

My advice: step out of the role and have a heart to heart talk with him, person to person. Ask him why he keeps you, why he's never satisfied, why he expects more of you than you can give.

Or dump him and find someone whom you can make happy. Such a person exists, if you are willing to look. But you should have reason to hope for more out of life than someone who's never quite happy with you.

Something for you to think about, I hope.

On 2nd edit:

The more I think about this, the more I blame the D/M.

A week, even maybe a month of incorrectly setting expectations too high for you is possible, but three years ... ?

Any D/M who cannot properly assess your abilities and give you attainable goals for that long is doing it deliberately.

Skip the talk. Dump him. He is dangerous to your mental health and ought not to be involved in bdsm at all.
It must be just me, but your advice sounds like you're trying to get her to break up with him and look at you as the more reasonable possibility, as if reason/fairness has a whole lot to do with D/s relationships and love.
Yes he should communicate to her what he needs/expects of her, but it sounds to me that she has some issues she needs to sit with some psych person on the couch and resolve when she says this
quote:

NightSoftWhisper
I don't mean to be disobedient but I have a dark, somewhat self destructive personality at times and I tend to let it overpower my need to please him.
 
I love him dearly & don't want to destroy a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man
Granting this is not enough information, and I haven't read the whole thread.  

P.S.  How do you please him?  Ask him, as only he can give you an answer that matters to your relationship.     Good luck,    M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMaam -- 8/25/2007 10:16:27 PM >

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 4:16:34 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam

It must be just me, but your advice sounds like you're trying to get her to break up with him and look at you as the more reasonable possibility,



The only motive I had in offering my advice was to help someone who seemed to be in need.

I suppose any D/M who has ever told a sub/slave to break it up with someone who seems to be damaging him/her is vulnerable to such insinuations.

That would be a good way to chill any such advice from D/Ms, even when it is warranted (as it appeared to me to be in this case, till I read her profile).

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam

as if reason/fairness has a whole lot to do with D/s relationships and love.

...



That's an interesting admission on your part.

I happen to believe reason and fairness are essential ingredients when it comes to bdsm and love.

I would have thought most people would agree that irrational and unjust behaviour in bdsm or love are undesirable.

YMMV.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 4:59:40 AM   
MasterMagnus321


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		You say, "Maybe I'm just not submissive enough to be a good partner to this wonderful man."  I agree with everything Bobkgin mentioned, and I'll add this: if you have the question you mention, then this "wonderful man" is not setting clear enough goals and boundaries for you; you should have ZERO doubt about exactly what he wants all the time.  My favorite things as a Dom are: STRUCTURE, CONSISTENCY, and CLARITY... consider carefully.

_____________________________

Nothing lasts, and yet nothing passes, either.
And nothing passes just because nothing lasts.
-Philip Roth

~MASTERMAGNUS

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 5:18:27 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello NightSoftWhisper,

It is nice to see you on the boards, even if the query you post brings out a sympathetic ache for you.

Given the little that I know and have observed of you, I think you can handle and probably ultimately would rather have an unfiltered opinion than not, so here is mine.

The idea of trying to pin down who is more to blame is pointless.  The two of you are in a relationship and nothing happens of this nature that is not communal.  However, given that he is not here to present his side of the story, and knowing what I will call a 'familiar submissive tendency to take on the full responsibility of "failure" as a duty of your devotion', I will only address what I feel I have any kind of personal experience to give you advice on.  You may of course, take it for what it is worth...and again, as we do not know the whole of the situation, that may not be much at all.

Something is fundamentally wrong if you consistently and repeatedly fail at anything, and a relationship certainly is no different.  The pragmatist in me would say that I find it very hard to believe that an intelligent, loving and truly submissive woman like yourself would not know, deep inside what it is that is actually causing that, and ultimately, what you must do.

If you need to take it onto your own shoulders at first to process the situation, here goes:  Yes, you may not be a person who has what it takes to please him... no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you wish to please him or not.  This might sound very harsh, but really is not.  It just boils down to not being the right type of people for each other.

You have time and emotion invested in this man.  You are also submissive and devotional in nature, from what I know of you.

If a part of who you are as a person is organically overpowering another...i.e. your innate personality is overpowering your desire, ability and need to please him...that suggests to me  there is a war going on within yourself that you are staging which can not have any outcome but some sort of  self destruction.  (I say staging within yourself, because this is your fight, not his.)

If you can honestly say that you do not think his goals and requirements are unrealistic, and that you know you want him to have what he desires for himself, but can not provide it, and are starting to both doubt yourself and your self worth and that you the person are actually starting to become less of a person, or less of the healthy or ‘good’ person you normally would be because you are in this relationship...you are in serious trouble.

I have no idea if you have talked to him about the gravity of this problem.  Sometimes we keep away the intensity and severity of our struggles for fear of them being rejected…but I would bet that if you have not done so, that it is more likely that a part of you realized that he may well recognize that you two may actually be harming rather than growing with each other, and that recognition may cause him to make hard choices which will cost you both dearly.  If you have not exposed to him the gravity of the situation, for what ever reason, you should.  No one here can give you the answers you really need...only you and he can, and that is going to require a lot of strength and bravery on your part, because when things have gotten to this point in a relationship, the likelihood of you finding a solution to a fairytale ending are pretty unlikely, if for no other reason than that the both of you have allowed it to get to this point....

I am not going to spend a lot of time giving you a load of holistic, Dr. Phil happy-crap and tell you there is life beyond this relationship, that you can find a better man (or a better man for you) and when you do you will realize your true failure was not in not serving him well but in denying and doing such disservice to yourself in this relationship, and that with the right man, having learned that hard lesson, you will not only be a happier and more fulfilled woman, but a better slave as well...honestly, somewhere inside you  you know that and hearing it from others just adds a strange bitterness until the time is right for regrowth.

My advice to you would sum up as this:  Listen to the woman you are at the core of your being, that is all you really have to offer anyone anyway…and that includes yourself.  I know you want to find a way to be the person he needs and desires to be satisfied in a relationship.  Think of it this way...given the way you love him, would you want him to have to kill off or drastically change fundamental parts of who he is to keep you happy and fulfilled in your relationship together?  Would you think it was a good idea or a healthy way forward in a relationship?  Would you think that anything good could come from something like that?

Some people love each other but can not be good partners to each other in a relationship...that gets even trickier with our given dynamic.  You can dissect this down into whose fault is whose, but that is really unnecessary and in the end, is not at all going to change things. Ultimately, you can not cast blame upon who a person is, and there are some types of people who have the potential to really harm each other, no matter how much they care about each other, just by their natures Trying to brake off parts of yourself and glue things on which are not organic to you is only going to cause serious damage which will take a long time to correct (and which is not anyone else's fault but your own) the smoke-and-mirrors of which will not change who you are into what he wants... you will just be a broken you with taped on, ill fitting, chaffing bits who still, fundamentally, is not suited to that other person you love so much.

Please be careful and be strong,

Jen

< Message edited by puella -- 8/26/2007 5:31:13 AM >

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 5:46:29 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Hey Treasure!  First off i hope you know how much i think of your and KY's opinions, but i have to disagree with this.  The man i was with did it for 5 years.    Very similar situation, i constantly blamed myself (as did he) and i put up with this for 5 freakin' years.  He would set the bar, i could never reach it, i blamed myself, then got pissed off and acted out and when it was all said and done was convinced that it was all my fault.  There may be more men out there that would bother with someone they cared that little for, without being married to them, than you think.


Thank you, angelic. 

You are right, there are men who would do this but I'm not getting that from the OP's posts.  I could be very wrong, of course, and I admit that... I don't mean to sound cold and unsympathetic.

However, aside from the comments made by the OP that I find telling (for goodness sake, she's a 52 year old woman... you'd think she'd have learned a little self-control by now), I find it curious that she just joined CM ten days ago, claims to be in a three year relationship that she wishes to save, yet her new profile clearly states that she is seeking a dominant. 

I think that if she truly loves her dom as dearly as she says and is that concerned about not destroying their long-term relationship, she has a lot more problems to be worried about.



Treasure,
I just just checked out the OP's profile, and I have to make the same RED FLAG calls on this as you.  It's also aparent she herself is the one setting the bar so high...  "My ultimate goal is to please you and see that satisfaction in your eyes."
This is twice now where I have spotted this.  So, I stand firmly by my previous post I made. 

Angelic,
I myself have had to deal with somebody holding onto the high expecation of making me happy 24/7 everyday of the year.  It was a very frustrating experience.  It was very difficult to break of her this expectation, she actually would get very upset, moody.   At moments it felt like she was pushing too hard, where she was more interested in trying to See my smile, verses being concerned with being of service.  I hope that makes sense to you.   Actually she used to buy me small gifts all the time, until the top of my dressor could no long withstand the display of these things in a practical manner.   She actually got all bummed out when I ended up finally boxing some of them up, It affected her sense of self esteem, for me I had to box some of these things up.  It was no longer practical to have so many little gift's of love and affection on display there.  Basically, I picked up on the fact, she was self absorbed or obsessed with wanting to see specific reactions from me!   Actually, it starts to feel a lot like somebody trying to top from the bottom!  Why? Because this is topping from the bottom mentality of sorts.
 

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 8/26/2007 5:47:59 AM >

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 9:55:21 AM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I would have thought most people would agree that irrational and unjust behaviour in bdsm or love are undesirable
Nowhere does the OP accuse her dominant of being irrational or unjust, you are simply making a huge leap, and assuming that because she says she cannot get it right.

As to fairness/justice within D/s or love, I don't know about you, but it is my experience that we frequently do things that are ill advised by those not in love.   And certainly, expecting a full grown adult to dominate/submit to you, has nothing to do with being equal, reasonable or just in my opinion/experience.    Perhaps you seek something of a 50/50 relationship, but I certainly don't and won't even attempt to go there again; in mine, I will give 100% of who I am as a dominant, and he will do the similarly as a submissive/slave to me, which will hardly be considered just/fair by outsiders.    M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMaam -- 8/26/2007 10:06:44 AM >

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How do I please him? - 8/26/2007 2:00:58 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Stop trying. His happiness or lack of it is his problem. Some people can't ever be pleased.



I personally think a person either is or is not happy.  It is intrinsic to that person.

You will not make his happiness, or destroy his happiness.  He has the power in himself to grant or deny
other people the ability to alter his emotional state, not you.  In other words, you may do things, but only he can choose to be happy or satisfied or displeased or angry about them. 

Further, if he has not told you what it is se expects, seems to me that it is unfair of him/her to expect you to read his/her mind to know what he wants. 

I agree with the posters who mentioned that you should discuss your issues with him directly.  I would even go one step further and point out that kink-friendly therapists do exist, and perhaps the two of you would do well to undergo some kink-friendly couples therapy.

Good luck!

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How do I please him? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125