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How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:45:30 AM

NightSoftWhisper

Posts: 7
Status: offline

To all those both Dominant & submissive a question please. What do you suggest to a submissive who consistently seems to displease her Master even though unintentionally?

I don't mean to be disobedient but I have a dark, somewhat self destructive personality at times and I tend to let it overpower my need to please him.

I love him dearly & don't want to destroy a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man but I don't seem to be able to ever quite meet up to his expectations. I only want him to be happy but I always fall short of that goal.

Respectfully,
Night

Post #: 1

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:50:57 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

To all those both Dominant & submissive a question please. What do you suggest to a submissive who consistently seems to displease her Master even though unintentionally?

I don't mean to be disobedient but I have a dark, somewhat self destructive personality at times and I tend to let it overpower my need to please him.

I love him dearly & don't want to destroy a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man but I don't seem to be able to ever quite meet up to his expectations. I only want him to be happy but I always fall short of that goal.

Respectfully,
Night

Night, with all respect, it doesn't sound like this is -your- problem.

Sounds more like he is amongst those who manipulate others through constantly being 'disappointed' in them.

Ever consider it is not your performance, but his expectations that are out of whack. Asking/demanding more than you can give and then being 'disappointed' you didn't live up to his expectations simply makes you -more- eager to please, and so the cycle goes.

The problem is this erodes self-esteem, which leads to "self destructive" disorders (trying to prove the sincerity of your love for him by hurting yourself).

On edit:

A good D/M is going to give you things to do that you can do successfully, to build up your confidence and to encourage you to think well of yourself (if for no other reason, to thwart those self-destructive activities).

Not saying everything you do is perfect, but I don't believe anyone is -always- failing at everything they do.

If indeed he was disappointed in you at every turn, why would he keep you? Who wants to live with constant disappointment in an intimate partner?

If he is keeping you out of some sense of charity, that is yet another hit against your self-esteem, and yet another reason for your self-destructive behaviour (a form of self-inflicted punishment to show him how much you regret disappointing him).

My advice: step out of the role and have a heart to heart talk with him, person to person. Ask him why he keeps you, why he's never satisfied, why he expects more of you than you can give.

Or dump him and find someone whom you can make happy. Such a person exists, if you are willing to look. But you should have reason to hope for more out of life than someone who's never quite happy with you.

Something for you to think about, I hope.

On 2nd edit:

The more I think about this, the more I blame the D/M.

A week, even maybe a month of incorrectly setting expectations too high for you is possible, but three years ... ?

Any D/M who cannot properly assess your abilities and give you attainable goals for that long is doing it deliberately.

Skip the talk. Dump him. He is dangerous to your mental health and ought not to be involved in bdsm at all.

< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/25/2007 7:08:05 AM >

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 2

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:53:41 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Have you talked to him about this? Maybe you both can come up with a plan on how to change this aspect of your personality. It sounds like you are not in control of the things you do, as if this "dark personality" takes over. It sounds to me like some counseling might be a good idea to see why you get out of control. Maybe it's as simple as a hormone change or as complicated as a personality disorder like borderline.

You say you never quite meet up to his expectations and always fall short of his goals. Maybe he is setting those goals too far out of your reach and expecting too much for you and your reaction to the frustration of this is the acting out you described?

If you don't like the way you behave change it. If you allow it to continue and it disintegrates the relationship you will blame yourself and feel guilty you ruined the relationship. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 3

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:56:35 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

I would have to agree with Bobkgin, if you've been together for 3 years then both of you must be pleased with the relationship, or were at some point. If he's doing it deliberately keeping you at a state of misery by continually expressing dissatisfaction and this doesn't please YOU then it's time for some serious conversation.

I would approach it like an employee self evaluation *evil* You rate yourself 5 stars, he says you're 1. Then he needs to explain how you can improve on areas you thought you were excelling. Have goals and deadlines setup. If he flounders and can't come up with anything then he is being negative for his own satisfaction (seeing your misery). But if you talk and go over things that he's requested/desired for years and you have to admit that you dropped the ball on...

Either way you should have a long honest talk with him to find your answers.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 4

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 6:58:56 AM

NightSoftWhisper

Posts: 7
Status: offline

Thank you both for your kind responses. I don't think he sets unrealistic goals to attain but my jealousy, overwhelming need to please and Scorpio nature seems to take over at inappropriate times.

Maybe I'm just not submissive enough to be a good partner to this wonderful man.

Sighs...

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 5

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:02:31 AM

beticat

Posts: 30
Joined: 12/9/2006
Status: offline

The question I would ask relates to your usage of unintentional ~
If you are cleaning and straightening his study because you think he will like it and then he doesn't. That would be unintentional.
However, if you are using drugs and he doesn't like it. That would be intentional.
While I know we don't have the whole story and you are certainly under no obligation to share all the details, it sounds a little to me like either there is an extreme lack of communication or you and he are mismatched or in the worst case scenario that he is abusive and has learned how to cloak it with D/s language.
In one of my relationships, I disappointed my Dom. It was unintentional ~ he asked what I thought about something and I told him. It wasn't what he wanted to hear. I did not deliberately say something to hurt him.
Hope this helps.
You may want to spend some time by yourself and ask yourself what is wonderful *currently*.
Best wishes.

_____________________________

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
-Rolling Stones

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 6

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:04:35 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

Honestly, if it has been 3 yrs+ and he gets disappointed often and stays with you, he obviously adores your ability to understand your own failures and learn from that specific mistake. If it is only to make a mistake in another area and again you learn, he stays.

Maybe he is indeed in it for the long haul and is aquiring much pride and enjoyment out of your accumulated event-learned mishaps.

If I were you, I'd avoid

quote:

I don't mean to be disobedient but I have a dark, somewhat self destructive personality at times and I tend to let it overpower my need to please him.

this mentality and come to him as soon as you feel the disobedient traits coming upon yourself and allow him to check and balance if the cause for such is valid or needs to be avoided. Doing this, giving him the power to re-direct your thoughts and actions before they occur is a goal he might want to achieve. Keep up as you are and you do risk losing him. Allow him to take charge of you, since it is obvious you are unable to do this for yourself. Eventually, hopefully these bad habits will be weened from you and you will be a much better submissive and person for it.

ps. straighten up, you baad gurl LOL.

< Message edited by came4U -- 8/25/2007 7:21:11 AM >

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 7

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:04:38 AM

NightSoftWhisper

Posts: 7
Status: offline

Thank you Sabella. Smiles....well he is a Sadist and delights in my misery at times but I'm starting to think I'm not good enough.

I've been in the lifestyle for over 9 1/2 years and have yet to be collared. Although I am not one to encourage the "velcro collar" syndrome so common these days, give me a break already.

He had a collared slave before me but will NOT collar me. He doesn't view it as a necessity to the health of our relationship but truthfully it eats away at me and causes the darkness to come over me.

I'm normally a loving, sweet person but good Goddess when I'm like that I'm a horrid lil cunt indeed.

(in reply to Sabella)

Post #: 8

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:08:00 AM

NightSoftWhisper

Posts: 7
Status: offline

Smiles....wish it were as simple as just beating it out of me. Thank you for your take on the matter came4U. You make some very valid observations.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 9

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:22:01 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

Thank you both for your kind responses. I don't think he sets unrealistic goals to attain but my jealousy, overwhelming need to please and Scorpio nature seems to take over at inappropriate times.

Maybe I'm just not submissive enough to be a good partner to this wonderful man.

Sighs...

Bull Cookies!!

A "wonderful man" would not be setting expectations so high that you'd end up feeling like this. Not for three years.

An "overwhelming need to please" is exactly one of the components needed in a good submissive.

"Jealousy" is a symptom of insecurity, understandable given your feeling that you always disappoint. Again, the cause for that is a D/M who does not set reasonable expectations for -you-.

"Scorpio", your problem is here on earth, not in the stars.

Manipulating someone with low self-esteem will -always- lead the that individual thinking it is all her/his fault, and not the person in charge. It's the first clue to your problem and you should heed it.

He sets expectations too high, and convinces you that you can achieve them (which is easy to do given how much you want to please). Then when you inevitably fail (because the expectations are too high), you blame yourself and not him, and the cycle repeats endlessly.

Night, to be honest, I have my doubts whether anyone can help you but you. It will be easy to blame yourself and ignore those of us who point to this "wonderful man" as the culprit.

But eventually this is going to add up and you'll either try suicide or be forced to leave to avoid it.

Those with low self-esteem and being fully manipulated by it are just not in the right state of mind to see the problem and disengage.

I hope I'm wrong about that. But I suspect this is going to get a lot worse before you find your self-preservation instinct kicking in to the rescue.

But to be honest, I don't think there is anything you can do to satisfy him. If your love and eagerness to please has failed over three years, the fourth year is not going to get better.

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 10

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:22:58 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

no no, not beating you out of anything.

If the man has logic, he will not need to ..in order to out-smart your will to be 'bad' before it happens.

if that doesn't work, I suggest he beat ya LOL.

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 11

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:28:15 AM

NightSoftWhisper

Posts: 7
Status: offline

I swear Sir, it's me not he. I seem to implode from time to time. I'd never try to kill myself. I'm having a hard enough time in this life without adding another to my karmic future.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 12

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 7:45:32 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

I swear Sir, it's me not he. I seem to implode from time to time. I'd never try to kill myself. I'm having a hard enough time in this life without adding another to my karmic future.

I'm glad to hear you won't kill yourself.

But regarding your karmic burden, engaging in self-destructive behaviour is no help either.

As for who is to blame for the problem ...

Night, I've been mastering for over 25 years, and seen more than my fair share of people with low self-esteem issues. I know there is nothing to be done until the individual in question is ready for it.

This isn't a question of you failing him. It's a matter of him failing to take care of your emotional needs.

And if he was unable to do that much, he should have released you rather than go three years letting you feel worse about yourself after evey disappointment.

None of this describes someone I'd consider "wonderful". At best he is desperate for someone and doesn't realize what he's doing. At worst he's deliberately manipulative and not concerned about your best interests.

Either way it is an unhealthy relationship for you.

It will be difficult, but do not lightly dismiss these thoughts. Think about them.

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 13

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 8:27:35 AM

YourShyPet

Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

Well I can only speak for how it works with me, and my Dom in reguards to pleasing & happiness... He makes me happy... he does many things deliberatly to make me just ga ga happy... which in turn I wanna do whatever I can to make him ga ga happy... he always laughs and says when you make a sub or slave just blissfully happy... they'll just kill themselves to make you happy.

_____________________________

kittin

http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to Bobkgin)

Post #: 14

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 8:53:19 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

I swear Sir, it's me not he. I seem to implode from time to time. I'd never try to kill myself. I'm having a hard enough time in this life without adding another to my karmic future.

Perhaps you could provide us with a specific example? As I'm reading the OP and subsequent posts, I feel as though you are not the problem. However, you swear you are, but we really don't have enough information.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 15

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:05:20 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

If there are clear and consistent expectations within the dynamic and you frequently disregard those expectations, then I would say your best approach would be to work on self discipline.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 16

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:12:00 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightSoftWhisper

I swear Sir, it's me not he. I seem to implode from time to time. I'd never try to kill myself. I'm having a hard enough time in this life without adding another to my karmic future.

Perhaps you could provide us with a specific example? As I'm reading the OP and subsequent posts, I feel as though you are not the problem. However, you swear you are, but we really don't have enough information.

While you're answering that question, you can tell us whether you had this problem during the 6.5 years you were in this lifestyle before meeting your current partner.

My bet is this wasn't a problem then, as I think you'd have mentioned that in your OP.

Which will raise the next question: why is it this guy is having a problem where none before him had it?

9.5 years and only one person having this problem would tell me this isn't your problem, it's his.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 17

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:12:25 AM

pearlmoongirl

Posts: 68
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

Maybe it would help if you and He would set some simple expectations. Start small and be specific. Do you even have a contract or some sort of written agreement? If not, that might be a really be a good idea.

When the communication is clear and the goals are clear, it seems to me that the *path* is also clear - it will lead you towards Him, or show you the reason why you need to get out of the relationship.

~ pmg

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 18

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:21:14 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

It sounds like a convoluted problem you create for one simple reason: attention. He doesn't give you the attention you want. You don't feel good enough. You don't feel as good as the last girl he collared. As someone else pointed out, it's self-esteem.

Work on it. Let it go. You are your own person and no one else. This dynamic is new to both of you, and your M sees fit to withhold a collar.

All I can say is ... so what?

Does it make you any less his? Does it mean your dynamic is not real? Why such a focus on a piece of jewelry? Could ~that~ be his lesson for you? Learn who you are. Learn your strengths. Stop passively aggressively controlling him (or trying to control him) with this ridiculousness. If a collar is so important to you, find a Dom who will give you one right away. It will be meaningless, of course, but at least you will have one.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)

Post #: 19

RE: How do I please him? - 8/25/2007 9:38:49 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I love him dearly & don't want to destroy a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man but I don't seem to be able to ever quite meet up to his expectations. I only want him to be happy but I always fall short of that goal.
quote:

How do you know you do not meet up to his expectations, does he tell you that? i can appreciate that you feel like you always let him down. Where does that feeling come from?

If he is balancing his expectations with praise and encouragement and you are throwing that back at him by saying or doing something ugly then you need to figure out why.

If however, he is setting expectations higher than you are comfortable with and yet always telling you how badly you are failing him and that you are worthless (i.e. not worthy of his collar), then this is an abusive relationship and you either accept it and continue for another 2 or 3 years until you have really finally and forever had enough or you save yourself those years and walk now.

~edited because Holy Mother of God that looked huge on my end and to fix the *##@@@@*** quote thingie.
~sigh~ ok i really hate the quote thingie.

< Message edited by angelic -- 8/25/2007 9:42:12 AM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to NightSoftWhisper)

Post #: 20

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