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I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:38:45 PM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Hello everyone,

Not really sure why I am posting this, I doubt anyone can help me much.

I really miss my family. It's been eleven months since I have seen my twin sister. I haven't even met my new niece yet. My heart aches, I'm depressed and no amount of talking to her on the phone helps. In fact it just makes me cry more.

I'm so stressed out in between my dead end get hassled and harrased job, missing my family and my dead beat mother in law who lives with us I'm utterly exausted ALL the time.

Sir is stressed because I am stressed. He's also stressed because his mom is really mean to him. He can't ask her to leave because she won't and she refuses to get a job. And we can't afford to take care of her.

We are both at our last strand. We were able to get away last weekend, and it did do us some good. Until we got back home, and it started all over again. I just don't know what to do anymore!

I guess I am just ranting, but I guess it helps a little to know that I can...

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

Post #: 1

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:46:21 PM

fieryangel21

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

I believe the prudent thing to do when someone is freeloading from you is to kick them out on the street. Sounds harsh since it's his mom, but if she isn't even nice to you, let alone the fact that she won't do her part, she doesn't deserve your kindness. I wouldn't put up with that crap. Give her an ultimatum, and let her know you're serious. "You have to pay us rent and do some chores around here, and stop treating us like crap, or you're gone." If she actually will not leave, put her stuff out on the lawn. Call the cops. Get a restraining order, whatever it takes. You don't deserve to be treated like that, either of you.

Sorry about your sister. :-( You should arrange to meet up with her in person from time to time. I know you're both probably busy, but it's important to make time for stuff like that, especially if missing her is that hard. You two don't want to have any regrets if, heaven forbid, the other passes on.

_____________________________

Angel

I always find myself wondering when signing on to the public computers on campus, "Do you really care about my personal settings, or are you just programmed to say that?"

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 2

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:52:33 PM

fieryangel21

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

Oh, hey, I have an even better idea. Both of you should pick up all your stuff and move out to where your sister lives. Do it while his mom is out or sleeping. Two birds. One stone.

Too bad it probably isn't that simple...

But I tried.

_____________________________

Angel

I always find myself wondering when signing on to the public computers on campus, "Do you really care about my personal settings, or are you just programmed to say that?"

(in reply to fieryangel21)

Post #: 3

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:53:24 PM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

I really empathize with you. It is hard to miss your family, and deal with so much stress too.

As to the problem with your mother in law......is she disabled in any way? Is she able to hold a job? Does she have any drug/alcohol/mental conditions that would keep her from holding down a job?

If she is able to work and live independently, but chooses to use and abuse her family instead, then your husband would have to be the one to tell her to leave and make it stick. He can offer to help her look for living arrangements, job opportunities, etc. He can set a reasonable deadline for her to be moved out. If worst comes to worse, and she refuses to do anything to help herself, the next time she leaves the house, he could change all the locks, and set her stuff on the doorstep. But again, this is something he would have to decide to do, and it is hellishly hard to be that tough on your mother.

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist to see if her bad behavior is due to a psychiatric condition which might respond to treatment?

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 4

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:58:14 PM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for giving me a great mental picture of Sir's mom's stuff on the lawn hehe. It's not that simple, she's waiting on SSI to go through, when it hasn't for the last four years. What she doesn't realize is that she's not exactly dissabled. She says she can't get a job, because if she does she'll loose the chance to get money from SSI... How ridiculious is this? Sir will not throw his mother out, but yet she is not looking for another place to live. She's content with mooching of us for the rest of her life. Or mooching off some one else.

As far as my sis... We're broke, she's broke... And she's on the other end of the US. I don't regret coming here, I love my Sir to the point of acheing. It's just that I miss my sister. We're moving soon, hopefully in December. But it's not soon enough. And I think we've exhausted all the ideas we have had.

Thanks for letting me bitch. And thanks for trying to help.

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

(in reply to fieryangel21)

Post #: 5

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 1:58:38 PM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

You're right no one can do anything to help except you and sir, and if sir takes his role and treats you (his woman) as the priority instead of his freeloading mother, I expect things will get a lot better. M

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"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 6

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:06:24 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelriven

Thanks for giving me a great mental picture of Sir's mom's stuff on the lawn hehe. It's not that simple, she's waiting on SSI to go through, when it hasn't for the last four years. What she doesn't realize is that she's not exactly dissabled. She says she can't get a job, because if she does she'll loose the chance to get money from SSI... How ridiculious is this? Sir will not throw his mother out, but yet she is not looking for another place to live. She's content with mooching of us for the rest of her life. Or mooching off some one else.

As far as my sis... We're broke, she's broke... And she's on the other end of the US. I don't regret coming here, I love my Sir to the point of acheing. It's just that I miss my sister. We're moving soon, hopefully in December. But it's not soon enough. And I think we've exhausted all the ideas we have had.

Thanks for letting me bitch. And thanks for trying to help.

If it helps, you aren't the only one who has been though a situation like this, and there are lots of pat answers, none of them so easy to implement.

But the least likely scenario is that things will just get better on their own.

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 7

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:14:56 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

It looks like Sir has made a decision regarding his priorities. You need to decide if they are in line with your priorities. Is Sir's mother's name on the lease? If not I don't think she has much standing, legally to remain under your roof, unless you want to support her indefinitely. I say show her the door and give her this opportunity to find another mooching possibility.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Alumbrado)

Post #: 8

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:20:21 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

as much as i feel her frustration, i think i would lose some respect for a man that put his mom out.....even if she is annoying as hell......

to the op.....its a bad situation....i hope yall find a solution that works well for all involved...

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 9

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:21:07 PM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

I would, and we have discussed it. But he just won't do it. We haven't confronted her yet on getting a job. She did at one point fill out applications, but it didn't go any farther from there. Sir has told her she needs to help clean up, and she turns around and calls him an asshole.

I swear Sir is comitting slow suicide by stress heh. I think we are going to have to confront her soon, because this is insane.

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 10

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:31:54 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

The two of you need to sit down and have a talk with her. You need to tell her that financially you are no longer able to support her, but you most certainly will help her to find a job and another place to live and will help her with the move. Tell her that this will have to occur within a time frame of a month or so. Give her a deadline. The first of October. Tell her that unfortunately, if she doesn't feel that this is fair then you'll have no choice but to help her move this weekend. Stay calm, respectful, mature and a united front. Throw a big ass party when she's gone.

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 11

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:38:41 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am sorry, but Sir needs to find his cajones and kick momma off the free ride train.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 12

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:40:32 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

The two of you need to sit down and have a talk with her. You need to tell her that financially you are no longer able to support her, but you most certainly will help her to find a job and another place to live and will help her with the move. Tell her that this will have to occur within a time frame of a month or so. Give her a deadline. The first of October. Tell her that unfortunately, if she doesn't feel that this is fair then you'll have no choice but to help her move this weekend. Stay calm, respectful, mature and a united front. Throw a big ass party when she's gone.

I agree with Aileen68.

If one has tried everything else to make the situation change, sometimes Tough Love may be the only solution.

Although I might be jaundiced. When I was dot.bombed 6 years ago, I worked my ass off at whatever I could to in order to get my life in order; ultimately getting pulled into the union.

When my sister and brother in law had to close her business, she went right out and found a job as an office manager to pay her half of the bills. He got a job working under the table so he could apply for unemployment, then got all pissed off when the company he worked for put him on a W-2 payroll. Now he works as little as he can and whines about having trouble making a life for himself.

I cant stand lazy people who stand around waiting for a handout or bending the rules (i.e. committing fraud) in order to take advantage of a system set up to help people get back on their feet in hard times.

Sinergy

_____________________________

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David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 13

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 2:41:37 PM

kiyari

Posts: 631
Status: offline

Might it be possible to restrict the 'communicating' parts?

Supporting family, in the collapsing society and economy that is going on now,
is way different that it might have been (same scenario else) in an earlier time.

You two need to avoid taking on the 'irritation' of the unhappy interactions,
in addition to the more practical (read: financial) stressing.

Maybe lay down some days or times,
when the 'extended household' has just GOT TO give you each / both
some peace, quiet and space.

Trying to be practical and yet helpful.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 14

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 3:54:44 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

Mama has no need to look for a job or home. She has a son who is enabling her to be a leech. Mama sits fat, dumb and happy, bossing her landlord and providers around, and in return she gets free room and board. Not a bad deal at all if you look at it from her perspective.

Others have said it.. sit down with her and make some rules, make out a time line, assist her with finding a place, etc. That isn't throwing Mama out, it's making her a responsible adult.

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to kiyari)

Post #: 15

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 4:05:27 PM

realisticwish

Posts: 137
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

Might I suggest a webcam for your visits with your sister. Sometimes seeing a friendly face and hearing the voice might help.

Glad you were able to get away if only for a weekend. I have been the mother in law route and it is not an easy pat answer.

I wish you luck dear you and your Sir.

~J~

(in reply to maybemaybenot)

Post #: 16

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/22/2007 7:09:43 PM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Thank you everyone!

Sir and I have sat down together and talked, alot about everything that's been going on and what we can do about it all.

As for missing my sister, nothing can be done right now. She has no internet or a web cam. But She is going to start sending me some more pictures, and some letters.

I'm going job hunting yet again tomorrow. Wish me luck, I just got some good leads today.

As far as Sir's mom... My sister once explained that if a person gets comfortable in a situation they are unwilling to change it even if need be. So, we are slowly making it very uncomfortable for his mother to live here. We tried it today by telling her she is only allowed three ciggerettes because we have no money to buy anymore. She was upset, but guess what... It worked.... Sort of.

She went over to her freinds to spend the night, didn't even tell us. They arrived at the house, and she just left heh. The only problem? They're our friends too, and now she's going to be mooching off them when it comes time that we make her uncomfortable enough to leave. So, we'renot throwing her out, we're just forcing her to choose.

In the end if we look like the bad guys, I really don't care. She really does need to realize reality is here, and there's no escaping it.

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

(in reply to realisticwish)

Post #: 17

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/23/2007 3:03:33 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

makes me glad that men I date really old men..

mother in laws are a hard limit lol.

(in reply to Steelriven)

Post #: 18

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/23/2007 3:15:34 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Seven years ago, one of my step-sons moved in to my house. He'd lost his job, and was drowning in debt, and behind in paying child support for one of his children. He was almost 30 years old at the time.

I'd hate to see anyone living on the street if they are a relative, so I let him live with me, rent free, with the understanding he would be doing this only until he'd found a job, and had a few weeks to save some money to find his own place-which he promised would happen "right away".

Nine months went by, and he still had no job. He spent them smoking pot in my house (I do not drugs whatsoever myself, and I objected. So he did it behind my back in the garage, instead), and not even offerring to do anything like clean his room, empty the trash, or walk the dogs. He even asked me to do his laundry, which I refused from the start to do.

He never offerred to pay one cent toward groceries. He left the house on week-days at 8am, and came home at all hours on week-days and week-ends, (like 4am). I wouldn't have objected to this much, except he always was losing his house keys, and would wake me up to let him inside the house. I also told him more than once I was concerned for his safety when he was gone for days at a time, and never let me know where he was, or what he was doing. He didn't care about that, though, even when I explained that a mere phone call to inform me he wasn't dead somewhere, instead of being just "out on the town" would be a good (and polite) thing to do for me.

I finally got sick of this behavior from him. So I told him after those 9 months, that he had exactly 2 weeks to learn how to clean the house, and get a job, or I was turning him over to an attorney and-or the police for not paying his child support. I told him I wasn't trying to be "mean", but explained that he was 30 years old, not 15, and it was time to grow up and get on with adult responsibilites.

He was gone within 1 week. He left without so much as saying thank you. Now I only see him about twice a year, which is just fine with me.

I get along with my other stepson much better than this one, because he is much more of a repsonsible adult (he is 32 years old, employed as a CPA, and acts like a grown-up). Although when this step-son lived with me, we actually saw very little of eachother, because he was hardly ever home, and when we did see eachother, we didn't talk much, but if we did talk, we were civil to eachother. But he still really needed to grow up, IMO.

I don't feel badly about what I said to him, or that I (supposedly) "kicked him out". He needed to hear it, IMO, and he needed to get his own place and start living like adults do. No regrets from me on that episode at all.

I'd have been willing to have him live with me rent free, for quite awile longer, to actually enable him to get back on his financial feet - if he hadn't taken total advantage of the situation for the duration, from day one.

P.S. I think the "giving her a dead-line" idea is a very good one.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2007 3:45:36 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 19

RE: I don't know what to do anymore. - 8/23/2007 3:49:45 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

How old is mom? Maybe sign her up through your local Office of Aging for a rent controlled senior citizens apartment?

If she is waiting on SSI and still has yet to receive it i am assuming her doctor has written her up as disabled?

Go online, search for the Area Agency on Aging, ask to speak to a case worker. Explain your situation, tell her his mom must move as you are moving as well and she simply cannot move with you. Explain the stress, that you cannot mentally, physically or financially care for her any longer.

The case worker should be able to assist his mother in obtaining senior/disabled housing and welfare until her disability goes through. The fact that she is being handled by the Office of Aging can often be the deciding factor in pushing her SSI through.

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 8/23/2007 3:56:26 AM >

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The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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Post #: 20

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