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michaelOfGeorgia -> My Wellness as of late (8/20/2007 12:23:46 AM)
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*UPDATE*
this is just an update on my current state of health and well being. i is not, however, a rant or any attempt for pity or remorse. just stating facts here in order to clear my mind and get things off my chest.
I think everyone is aware of my depression/anxiety and mood swings. well, something happened to be these past few days that have cause me to have thought I had tried to purge from my mind over the past few years. These thoughts have me a bit concerned and, quite frankly, scared.
for the first time in at least 5 years, the serious thought of suicide (without notifying anyone or letting on my intentions) have raised it's ugly head yet again. I am tending to this matter as I often do when I don't want anyone around to cause me to feel worse than I do in such situations. the ones that come up and say things like: "I/We will miss you" "what about all those people you'll be leaving behind?" or, the ever popular "you're just wanting attention, get over it".
let me continue by saying that, although those thought have arisen yet again, i am fighting these feelings. having a major tooth infection and pain is not helping matters none at all. I am using whatever means I can to get the pain and swelling down, again...all on my own.
to top it all off, I love my girlfriend dearly and have to think of her since it is mostly my job (not really a job, just a labor of love) to take care of her and her needs. She has Muscular Dystrophy and tries to do as much as she can herself, and I fill in when she is not able to do some things. I have no regrets with this choice in life. we love eachother dearly, that and the fact I am a born submissive and love my duties. it's a strain sometimes, but still I have no regrets.
I have SSI/Disability and would really love to have a regular job, but she has told me many times that my job now is helping her. She gives me a little money here and there if i need it, I use my EBT card and share my food with her, since I do most of the cooking. we even take in a new movie at least once a week, provided there's a good one and her parents allow us the use of the van.
but, despite all of this, I still have my depressionary problems and I usually keep to myself in these times, hiding as much of my pain from her when she needs me. I put aside myself for her. she lives nearby, with her parents, it's a mutual arraignment since they all are paying for the trailer. They are purchasing it themselve.
I live alone in my own wreck of a trailer, paying $300.00 a month rent, and the rest goes to bills, so I have very little money of my own.
I have no personal vehicle so if I go anywhere, it's usually with her, or she helps with busfare if I don't have it and need time to myself.
otherwise, when not in use, I'm sitting at home at the PC, TV playing off to my right, either watchin cable or a DVD...sometimes listening to music, if i get the need to sing and try to better my spirits.
so, now everyone knows more about me. just keep in mind this...I wrote all of this to let everyone know who I am, what I do during the days of the week and how emotional I can get. also, I wanted to let everyone know that I am a service sub, even if it's in a vanilla capacity. there are things missing that I see others talk about all the time, things I long for...but know this, my girlfriend comes first and will never be kept out of the loop. she is also available for primary and supliment meetings as well as occaisional phone calls at her discretion. Poeple wanted to know the real me...well...here it is...in black and white for all to see. I am real.
thank you for taking the time to read this and please remember, this is for informational use only. not sympathy or negativity are required.
and now back to your previous forums.
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