Dearly Departed

Dearly Departed (Full Version)

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paleseptember -> Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 2:18:44 PM)
First of all, hi to all on the board. I am new here and thus may be void of protocol, but I try to offer insite wherever possible. Secondly, I'd like to bring up this story that I heard from another submissive. I don't know that I'm looking to debate, merely discuss the aspects. ~+stops babbling about possibilities and babbles about the actual circumstance now+~ We have a submissive, or actually what I believe to be a slave living in a house with her collared Master. They have been married for years. They are surprisingly happy. Somewhere down the line, he finds out that he is terminally ill. The details of the illness are unimportant so they will not be shared. Knowing that he has very little time to live, he proceeds to send this girl (or woman, actually) online to seek his replacement. He fully intends to help the transition from his house to her new home as he places her in willing hands. The girl, unsurprisingly is unhappy about the situation. She is, however doing as her Master tells her and seeking willing Dominants. So, I suppose my question is, how would this work? How can one serve two Masters at once? And although he seems to be wanting to take care of her in these regards, is it really in the girl's best interest to find her a new Master before she's mourned for her former...scratch that...current Master. ~+shakes my head+~ Nonetheless, I'm glad I'm not in either of their situations. I'll be checking back. -ps

BitaTruble -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 2:41:02 PM)
Wow. I can't imagine that if I were in that situation that I would be emotionally prepared to seek out someone new, much less be able to refrain from comparing them to my current Master. It would be so unfair for me to put anyone in that situation given the amount of feeling I have for Himself and the time and effort he's put into training me for him, specifically. I believe he's a rare breed who's perfectly suited to how I am able to serve and brings out the potential to be my best for him. I've lost loved ones before and I know me. I need my time to grieve and to readjust myself to the new world I reside in which is one without my loved one in it. Masters aren't fungible like some mechanical cog and some are absolutely priceless and just can't be replaced. I hope never to find myself in such a situation. Celeste edited to add: my heart goes out to both those souls

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 2:43:23 PM)
lots and lots of deprogramming. firsst the person has to have a cleansing spiritual emotional. she has to walk on her own legs learn to feel free again with out the reign of a master or mistress to be her self then she can give her self to someone

celticlord2112 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 2:48:41 PM)
I shudder to think what that would be like for any person. However, while I would commend her Master for having the strength of mind and character to be thinking of her at such a time, I would respectfully suggest that her search be focused on finding a trustworthy mentor figure--someone who could shepherd and guide her through her grieving process, but fully cognizant that in all probability she would eventually move on and submit to another man. She will need time and space to mourn. Any dominant who enters her life in such a time must realize this, and this will color any relationship said dominant might have with her.

santasub -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 3:04:03 PM)
Whilst the Master means well he can not control her processes after his death. She needs friends - his and hers - comfort and time, time, time.

AquaticSub -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 3:08:36 PM)
The intention may be good, but a person's mourning process can't just be skipped over. I couldn't handle looking for someone new while dealing with that. If this were us, I wouldn't want to waste a single second looking for somone else as I would be treasuring every moment that I had left with him. Besides, there is no way I would be ready to be with anyone else right away.

instynctive -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 3:09:25 PM)
I'm actually familiar with a situation that is very similar.. however, things didn't go as planned and the sub in question dropped out of the scene for many years... fortunately she found a family to belong to and is now very happy... a few bumps here and there, but it's turned out well for her...

inkydorei -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 3:27:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 I shudder to think what that would be like for any person. However, while I would commend her Master for having the strength of mind and character to be thinking of her at such a time, I would respectfully suggest that her search be focused on finding a trustworthy mentor figure--someone who could shepherd and guide her through her grieving process, but fully cognizant that in all probability she would eventually move on and submit to another man. She will need time and space to mourn. Any dominant who enters her life in such a time must realize this, and this will color any relationship said dominant might have with her. excellent advice!

Celeste43 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 5:47:50 PM)
He'd do better to find her a grief therapist, an attorney, an accountant and so on. As well as push her to spend time with friends because dropping them for two years while he's terminal means she won't have any left when she needs them. Hell, as far as that goes, call the friends and family and tell them what's happening and ask them to check in on her, help her cope, take her shopping and make sure she stays active while mourning. Besides, the truth is that the moment he dies she is released and doesn't have to follow his wishes anymore.

LotusSong -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 6:21:25 PM)
I'll share my situation. When I was diagnosed with MS, I told my husband that if he wanted to leave, to leave now because it might not be pretty. He told me, we agreed for "better or for worse" and this was just the latter. He also said, "I know you wouldn't do that if it were me". Forget the D/s thing and view the reality. It sounds as if the master is copping the "JohnWayne" attitude that I was doing and forgetting there are two sides to a relationship. It is kind of him to offer another, but let her decide how she wants to handle the situation. Would she do the same for him if it was reversed? Would he leave her in her time of need? Sometimes the fear causes a pushing away of another, when deep down that's the last thing you want to happen.

adoracat -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 7:52:08 PM)
i went through this. my LordFallcon died last december. we found out in sept he had cancer, and by the end of november, it was obvious that he was not responding well to treatment (he was given a 5% survival possibility in october).... he made me promise to seek someone who would take care of me and love me like he did. now granted, i'm married, we're polyamorous, but he knows wolf (we shared a household) and he knew i wasnt going to handle it well. at the end of february/first part of march, i met Sir. he gave me my permanent collar a little over 2 weeks ago. every person heals differently. Fallcon had watched me die inside 2 years before, when my former sir had passed away suddenly....in fact, the 2 year anniversary of his passing was a week before Fallcon passed away. his last orders were hard for me. i could have refused, absolutely. but he wanted me happy, and i am.... though i still grieve for him, also. kitten, whose Sir knows, and understands.

paleseptember -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/19/2007 8:42:49 PM)
It seems to me that both parties are right. He wants to be sure his slave is cared for even after he's gone. She is devoted to her one and only. But the truth of the matter is, far more than he needs to know that she'll be ok, she needs to be able to be there for him. She will die inside if she can't be. It is this girl's oppinion that he should be going to a kink friendly councelor with her and help start the greiving process even before he's gone. This will help both parties. But the bottom line is, I'm not in the situation. What's right for me might not be right for someone else. To LotusSong and adoracat: You both are stronger that I could ever hope to be. Bless your hearts for that. I wouldn't have traded places with you for the world. But perserverance is to be admired, and hopefully everyone will be the stronger for it. ~+offers hugs and leaves on that note+~

TankII7871 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 2:11:32 AM)
When I finally take a vacation(dirt nap) my girls will be looked after by a Domme/Friend of ours. This has already been arranged and all parties know it. Now since neither my girls or the Domme is interested in same sex relationships its not that my girls will be owned by the Domme. The Domme will look out for them in the BDSM part of their life and make sure I don't have to come back and haunt some Ass that took advantage of my girls when they was feeling weak. We try to look after our loved ones after we are gone by making arrangements such as life insurance and such. To me this is just part of living this life style added to a nilla lifestyle. Eric haunting a Troll near you soon

becca333 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 4:58:23 AM)
He's doing the best he can for her, but the person she'll be after he's gone isn't the person she was when she was with him. When she's ready, she'll find another Master, if that's what she still wants. And it'll probably be someone very different from the Master she has now - she'll have new needs. Right now she needs time with him, comfort, and some practical plans in place for her future.

MadameMarque -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 6:21:11 AM)
In such a situation, I would hope, and urge, that the submissive be transitioned to a reliable household, who are trusted and known by the owner or dominant, not to be owned by them, but as a haven, for her. Whether they are actually in the scene, or just scene-friendly, it is more important that the submissive be supported by good people, until fate and opportunity send her to the right person for her, at the right time, in the future. One could look upon this as a guardianship situation. All blessings to all those involved.

Celeste43 -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 6:31:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadameMarque In such a situation, I would hope, and urge, that the submissive be transitioned to a reliable household, who are trusted and known by the owner or dominant, not to be owned by them, but as a haven, for her. Whether they are actually in the scene, or just scene-friendly, it is more important that the submissive be supported by good people, until fate and opportunity send her to the right person for her, at the right time, in the future. One could look upon this as a guardianship situation. All blessings to all those involved. Is she mentally incompetent that she needs a legal guardian? And do you really think the best thing for her is to lose not only her husband but also her own home? Would you give this advice to your mother should your father predecease her? You really believe people suffering from one loss will do best by having everything of their own removed from them by force? The fact that she's been able to nurse him to the end while handling all the household chores shows that she isn't incapable of making decisions.

MaamJay -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 9:30:06 AM)
People suffering from chronic or terminal illness often push loved ones away in the mistaken belief that this is "being cruel to be kind" or it will somehow make their loss less painful. In fact, it makes the current situation far more painful as it is denying the partner's right to choose if they want to stay. It's actually quite selfish of them though they would say they are being unselfish. I can see that the Master in question is trying to do the right thing in terms of ensuring His girl will be safe ... but I don't agree with His methods in general. ONLY if the slave were completely dependent upon the Master for all aspects of daily life (there is one example here at collarme for whom this works and her Master already has contingency plans in place to which she has agreed) ... would I concur with what He is trying to do. If however the slave is quite capable of looking after herself in the real world, then I would agree with CelticLord in that at the most, it would be appropriate to seek a trusted bdsm guide (who could be Dom/me or sub!) who would truly be able to empathise with her loss and would be alongside her in the grieving and healing process, a true friend. I can understand why He might want to know who that would be and that she will be safe and comforted. I agree with Celeste that moving homes and therefore losing all that is dear and familiar would likely be a disaster and just too much emotional upheaval. she should move on only when she is ready to do so and there is no magic number of days, months or years when that should be the case. And I also agree that the next Master might indeed be quite different from the one she has now so a hasty decision wouldn't be appropriate. However I don't agree entirely with your earlier post Celeste that what she needs is a grief therapist, accountant etc etc. Unless it's a particularly kink-friendly grief therapist they may not have the understanding of the particular depths and dynamics of a Master/slave relationship compared to a vanilla one. I think a trusted bdsm friend who already knows her and her Master and has observed their dynamic is likely to be better able to share with her and also to notice when she is showing signs of recovery. Besides, I don't really subscribe to the apparently American way of running off to a professional therapist for everything! That's what friends are for ... unless it something seriously pathological. Still, a harrowing situation and I can only hope that those involved find the appropriate way to get through it. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

CuriousLord -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 9:44:06 AM)
Not too long back, I was laying in a bed in the ER, IV's in me, crippling pain but I wasn't sure what was wrong. Before the test results came back, I considered the possibility that the doctor wouldn't be able to do anything. That I'd die. And what'd happen to my slave. (This is to say, that I felt being in those shoes at a time. No sympathy needed for me- I turned out to be relatively fine, just need to get through these damn medications a while longer.) I can't help. I couldn't even decide what would be best for my slave. Too many conflicts, too sad of a subject. I think I may've done it, regardless, even if just to satisfy my conscience before passing. Perhaps the most immediate approach is for the new Dom to understand that the slave is held in trust. After this, it gets complicated very, very quickly.

submittous -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 9:47:42 AM)
Having recently faced mortality up close I think I understand the described Masters thinking, even if the story is a bit romantic.... our situation is different in that we are co-Doms and we have been together over 20 years. The issues and logistics of finance, property, Mexican inheritance laws etc took precedence over finding her next bdsm partner... if she would even want one. We quickly agreed that if chemo didn't work and I were gone she was and is more than capable of finding a partner, there were so many more important things that I was needing to do with that time. Fortunately the chemo did work and my prognosis for dying of some other cause is pretty good, the experience however drew us closer and makes each day more intense and important.. Bill

marieToo -> RE: Dearly Departed (8/20/2007 9:51:09 AM)
FR: It's not unheard of for Masters to have arrangements in place for their slave to be owned by another Master that they trust, in the event of their death. I'm not sure I'd send her seeking online in this manner, as the Master has done in this case, but the idea of him feeling that she needs to go from being owned by him to being owned by another with no time gap in between to mourn, doesn't seem that remarkable to me. Who says she can't mourn while being under the ownership of another? It isnt about love affairs for ALL people who practice bdsm. For some, it is approached with a more practical need or "calling" to be owned and used--- and that need/desire takes priority over romance, compatibility, love, etc.

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