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How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 1:34:36 PM   
InsAndOutsFL


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		My husband and I have been doing alot of talking latley.  Most of it about our life together, our sex life, and what we want our lives to be.  Its made me do alot of thinking about myself as a person.  Who am I?  Sex is a huge part of our lives, always has been and I hope it always will be.  I often go out with others, with his permission of course, and he is able to do the same.  Though he prefers not to, for reasons you will realize as I write more.  When we play alone I am often the Dom and I very much enjoy it and can really have fun with it.  I enjoy making him do the things we have discussed, the things that he wants but wants forced so to speak.  A few times I have been more submissive and while I have enjoyed it, it really was not what I wanted (at least with him).  A few men I have met for sex have also had a bit of Dom to them, and its often what I prefer.  I enjoyed and got very arroused with being spanked, flogged, humiliated and so forth from these other men.  Maybe they had more of the mentality for it...maybe they were more skilled than my husband.  I am unsure, but it was different and I enjoyed it.  Then I met one man that I purposely found who was a Dom and he did alot of things he shouldnt have, and in essence turned me off to the idea.  Now we have decided to try to find people so that we could be together as a couple with others, so I found this site and made the profile here.  I made it saying we were a switch couple, which was what I thought, but I have gotten alot of nasty grams telling me there is no such thing, that people are one or the others, and that we were wanna bes.  So, now I am utterly confused.  We have never been in the public with this lifestyle, but it is something we are now trying to do.  So, for all purposes, I would call us Newbies.  My husband is sub, I can say that fairly confidently.  Even the times hes tried hes just not been happy or satisfied, it does nothing for him.  That leaves me to wonder who I really am and what I am suspossed to be.  Is there any way to know for sure?  Can anyone point me in a direction where I can learn more?  I have read books, and web sites and you name it.  I think learning from real people is probably the best way to go.  The other thing is that while BDSM has been part of our sexual lives for the last 8 years behind closed doors, we want to get out in the open a bit more and meet people real time for friendship and who knows.  It is a lifestyle to us, but our lifestyle is sex as well so it all works hand in hand. 
 
I hope this makes sense, thank you in advance to anyone who reads and/or responds.
 
Jennifer
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 1:39:07 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		Makes sense to me. Welcome and good luck. Don't let nasty people tell you there's no such thing as a switch couple. One, they're wrong and two it doesn't matter what label you "fit" into anyway. Have fun, explore and don't let others tell you how you should or shouldn't do things.





_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 1:39:52 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Don't listen to the people who say there is no such thing- trust me there is ALWAYS such a thing, no matter what that "thing" is. 

Yes there is a way to know for sure- that's time, experience, and going with what feels right TO YOU, no what a bunch of internet losers tell you.

There are a lot of people who will try to convince you that their way is the right way and that you need to listen to them more than you need to listen to yourself.  Obviously, that's crap.

IMO you don't sound like a switch couple- you sound like a fem top/male bottom newbie couple starting to explore and wanting to find another couple to explore with in a secure and fulfilling way.

And of course, fuck the labels- they aren't important.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:20:29 PM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Reading your profile... damn would I love to have you two over for coffee...LOL
Nothing wrong guys... Enjoy!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:26:06 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		What LA said.....

Jeff

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn"  Charlie Parker

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:33:38 PM   
cumulus


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		Yep. You're drowning in labels. Just be. In time (and away from your keyboard), you'll find what you're looking for.
 

_____________________________

Regards,
Cumulus

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:34:14 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		My fiance and I are both switches.  We adore what we are and what we do.

This is the happiest and most stable thing I've ever found, and the most freeing.

Don't let others make  you afraid to embrace it.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:38:23 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Its all about what the TWO OF YOU think you are. The option is on here to label yourself as a switch couple... so there must be such a thing right? Don't worry we all get those nasty emails. I read them, and laugh. Someone once told me that I had no idea what D/s is all about because in addition to my future partner being a Dom, I want a friend, a cuddle buddy, someone I can be myself with. Someone with whom I can play a game of mini golf with betting on sexual favors and having a great time. He told me I should join his group on yahoo and then I'd learn a lot more. That I was wrong because I want this. Shrugs. I laughed, and went on to the next email. Same thing in the posts... laugh it off, take all the advice for what it is, apply what you want to, leave what you dont.

welcome to Collar Me. Good luck

girl

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:53:37 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I am very sorry you were treated so rudely. My Master and i are still learning about this life style and each other within the life style. Something He and i have already figured out is that we don't really fit any paticular mold LOL. I actually kinda like that about us...we are freaks among freaks if you will.....LOL. Relax...and enjoy the ride...and RIDE often....*winks*

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 2:59:55 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I think a lot of women are dominant with their partner but sub in a sexual relationship with another man. It has something to do with confidence in the relationship and knowledge of the other person. I'm sorry that you were used in a way that you didn't like by a Dom. Is has happened to a lot of women I think. However there is a difference between a dominant vanilla person and a lifestyle Dom/mes. They sometimes forget that newbies don't necessarily think in the same way as experienced subs do. And everyone is different and have different reasons for joining the 'lifestyle'. I started needing stress relief from pain and a different/ exciting social life. I didn't want to be sexually abused. If you try to work out what you and your husband need and what you can give and then try and find a couple who are compatable. You have to talk it through though don't just assume that they are looking for the same things as you are.

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 3:26:02 PM   
InsAndOutsFL


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		OMGosh!  This was not the response I was prepared for.  I am nearly tearful!  I can never thank you all enough.  I have worried for 24 hours about posting here, because I was worried my way of thinking would be so looked down on by everyone.  I wish to thank everyone again who emailed me privatly with words of wisdom and hope.  This has been and will continue to be a huge emotional journey for a long time I hope.  In every aspect in live I always tell people I never want to quit learning, I firmly believe when you think you can not learn any more that you have given up on the best part of life.  So it is both our goal to learn and grow.  I really believe this common interest will stregnthen our bonds and that is whats important.  Thank you all, and I welcome any other opinions on this topic as well. 
 
Warm Thoughts & Hugs
 
Jennifer

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 4:15:55 PM   
instynctive


Posts: 2726
Status: offline 		Don't be mistaken.. there are those who will "look down" at your chosen lifestyle and will probably end up flaming you for it.

Honestly though, pay as much attention to them as you would about the style or color of car you drive, or which way you mow the lawn, or breathe, for that matter.

The interenet is a great place to meet and share ideas and communicate with people from all walks of life, all drawn together with like mindsets... occasionally interrupted by losers who get their jollies by always being right, and if you don't do something exactly like them, then you are wrong.

Good luck in your journey... you will certainly find your "happy medium" and you will find your relationship going farther than you could ever have dreamed or hoped for.


_____________________________


Lifestyle-friendly web hosting and design: http://kinkyqueer.net

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 4:23:59 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
quote:

How Does One Discover Ones Self?


well, for me, i just get up in the morning, go into the bathroom and look in the mirror..low and behold...there i am...LOL


_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 6:54:26 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I'll simply add to the well-wishers and say be who you want to be! As a strange sort of switch myself who is happiest when both sub and Domme "sides" of me are operating simultaneously with 2 different people ... I've had my share of flames! Shrug em off, don't let them get to you. Once I made some real bdsm friends, not only were they boggled that I could do what I do, they coined a whole new word for me ... a Duality. I like it!
Sounds to me that you might be closer to a switch/duality, hubby sounds more like a sub who can occasionally Top but doesn't really get into it. But who knows, once you "come out" and learn more, you might find different sides emerge. Another good reason not to get too hung up with labels just yet.
Best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 7:00:48 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		We are the weird ones here....we are swingers!!!  Most people find us a bit evil...(just kidding...we have 3 eyes...).

Enjoy who you are......we sure do!!!!



_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to MaamJay)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 8:19:23 PM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		It mystifies me why anyone would waste their time emailing a stranger to tell them how 'wrong' they are.  Some people are very fragile and unsure about themselves, and get incredibly threatened by anyone who doesn't follow their particular pattern.  I'd guess that most of them have zero experience in real, also.

Ignore them.  You're having fun, getting in touch with your wants and needs, you have a fantastic relationship and you've taken a brave step in exploring further.  Don't worry about the labels, just keep exploring and growing, and find out what works best for you both.

Good luck, and have fun!

(in reply to HornyToadsMI)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 8:20:40 PM   
pleasing4u


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Whatever makes you happy, who cares what others think??????

(in reply to HornyToadsMI)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 9:48:53 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		it is said you only get the most out of something as much as you put in.. exploring things together can be a very positive experince wish you the best of luck on your life path

(in reply to pleasing4u)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/17/2007 10:16:11 PM   
MasterMagnus321


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		I have found journaling to be very helpful; committed, consistent structure, like writing every day, is a light I follow during "dark nights of the soul"... also, people's opinions are helpful to me, as they help me gain perspective, but at the end of the day, I have to think for myself- who knows me better than me?  Self-honesty is the strongest psychic implement from which I will accept pain, for it gives me pain, but the truths I obtain bring me pleasure...

_____________________________

Nothing lasts, and yet nothing passes, either.
And nothing passes just because nothing lasts.
-Philip Roth

~MASTERMAGNUS

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: How Does One Discover Ones Self? - 8/18/2007 6:17:58 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		What you are and what you're supposed to be is whoever you are at the moment.  Regardless of anyone else's immaterial point of view on the topic.  You and your husband enjoy the journey.  Nothing needs to be cut in stone unless you insist.  Evolve. Learn. Enjoy.  Be.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to InsAndOutsFL)
Profile   Post #: 20
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