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The value of silence - 8/7/2007 11:50:42 AM

OwnedShylah

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/5/2007
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Ok I need some help. Master has asked me to teach a class on the value of silence in a D/s relationship.

I have some questions... I already have some basic answer for all these questions, but would like more input.

Why is silence important in a D/s relationship?

For the Submissive?

For the Dominant?

Times to be silent

For the submissive
For the Dominant

And anything else you can add to the subject would be very helpful.

Thank you
Shylah

< Message edited by OwnedShylah -- 8/7/2007 11:52:14 AM >

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Post #: 1

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:18:35 PM

CrazyC

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Joined: 9/28/2006
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I know for me, I have learned to be quite when emotionally upset so that i make sure what i am going ot say is accurate and not full of emotions. In accurate, i mean not full of just being mean or trying to one up. To make sure i am seeing it from his point, and to try to keep communication open. Another thing is staying quite and completely walking away from the situation to get a diffrent perspective.

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Post #: 2

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:23:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedShylah
Why is silence important in a D/s relationship?

For the Submissive?
For the Dominant?

I think sometimes kinky people try and make things too difficult in their attempts to be "special." Focus more on why ANYONE would find silence important. Since D/s isn't about what we DO, then those same motivations can apply to dom and sub.

I will, however, once again use my love of Alanis Morissette to elaborate a point on silence:
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
(long silence)
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction

Ask people what the difference between silence/stillness/quiet are. Why are people not prone to being silent? What are some good AND bad thoughts about silence?

quote:

Times to be silent
For the submissive
For the Dominant

When something needs to be listened to.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OwnedShylah)

Post #: 3

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:24:00 PM

SirDominic

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Joined: 11/22/2006
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Quite agree, crazy. The really important thing is to NOT say something you don't mean in anger. Once it is said, it can never be unsaid.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

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Post #: 4

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:27:25 PM

mmb1

Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
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I think silence is asking for a lot, not in a scene, but in R/L. If you need to express something, silence is not a form of communication and therefore not effective in what I would want in a relationship.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 5

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:31:48 PM

caught4u

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
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um, its important to all because how can you learn if you can't shut up and listen. unless of course your alone and talking to yourself

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Post #: 6

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:32:56 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Obviously everyone is different, with different personalities and such...... but....
~My~ experience with men has been that they often get aggravated with women who want to talk to them about their day or whatever, the minute they walk in the door. I'm not like that, in that I understand the need for down time, peace and quiet... and the periodic need for quiet self reflection.

In a D/s or M/s relationship, I believe a sub/slave should know or be told if the one they serve is the type who relishes quiet, down time upon returning home or after stressful events, etc. In general, women feel the need to talk to establish or reestablish intimacy, so by accepting that their master wants quiet at certain times, they are respecting his wishes and serving his needs for quiet time.

That's just one example I can think of.

(in reply to OwnedShylah)

Post #: 7

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:33:58 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mmb1
silence is not a form of communication

Oh yes it is, mmb1. A very "loud" form of communication

. As everyone has basically already said, it is very important for anyone to watch what they say when angry or hurt. You can always think about it and say it later but, as Sir Dominic said, once said it can never be "unsaid."

The OP asks when about the value of silence and when we should use it. On the other hand, I would bring up the point of when it isn't a good idea. That seems to be the problem I sometimes face. Because I don't want to say something when I'm upset or angry, I tend to just clam up and not say anything. Not in a pouty, "look at me, I'm giving you the silent treatment" type of way. It's just that I cannot fake emotions. It is nearly impossible for me to seem happy and content when I'm not. Master can always tell. So, I get totally silent - more of a contemplative silence - and since that's not my normal demeanor, He knows something is afoot. It is not good for silence to come into play at times like this for us. Just an observation........luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/7/2007 12:35:23 PM >

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Post #: 8

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:37:01 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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And how often does a dom use the silent treatment as a form of punishment?

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Post #: 9

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:39:11 PM

fadedlace

Posts: 137
Joined: 5/17/2005
From: Louisiana
Status: offline

Silence, especially combined with turning and walking away, is an effective tool to let someone know they're just not worthy of a reply to concerns and valid questions...it can be devastating to someone's ability to trust over time, when it's happening consistently in what's supposed to be a committed relationship.

< Message edited by fadedlace -- 8/7/2007 12:40:20 PM >

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Post #: 10

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:51:13 PM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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Without silence, one cannot listen.

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Post #: 11

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:57:43 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
And how often does a dom use the silent treatment as a form of punishment?

Exactly. You read of that happening very often in posts from subs/slaves here. My Master never uses it but I know there are many who do. Whether it works for you or not, it is definitely a powerful tool used by many........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 12:59:55 PM

OwnedShylah

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/5/2007
Status: offline

Ok, I feel like I need to explain what I'm asking for a little bit.

I am asking for input on silence as it pertains to a D/s relationship. From both the perspective of the Dom and sub. I’m not interested in vanilla reasons to be silent. “I’m silent when I’m angry” isn’t what I’m looking for… my apologies if that is offensive to anyone.

I am also not speaking of silence as punishment for or from either the Dom or sub.

When are good times for each side to be silent?

Why is important for each side to be silent?

What are reasons a Dom/Domme would be silent when interacting with their submissive? What does the Dom/Domme gain from this silence?

What are reasons for the submissive to be silent? What does the submissive gain from this time of silence?

I’m not saying silence as in NEVER speaking or communicating; I mean silence as in times where it may not be constructive for the Dom/Domme or submissive to speak and the reason for that person to choose silence over adding their two cents.

Hopefully that clears my original question up a bit.

Shylah

< Message edited by OwnedShylah -- 8/7/2007 1:01:37 PM >

_____________________________

Give your self to me and I will give my self to you

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Post #: 13

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:03:09 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedShylah

Ok, I feel like I need to explain what I'm asking for a little bit.

I am asking for input on silence as it pertains to a D/s relationship. From both the perspective of the Dom and sub. I’m not interested in vanilla reasons to be silent. “I’m silent when I’m angry” isn’t what I’m looking for… my apologies if that is offensive to anyone.

I am also not speaking of silence as punishment for or from either the Dom or sub.

When are good times for each side to be silent?

Why is important for each side to be silent?

What are reasons a Dom/Domme would be silent when interacting with their submissive? What does the Dom/Domme gain from this silence?

What are reasons for the submissive to be silent? What does the submissive gain from this time of silence?

I’m not saying silence as in NEVER speaking or communicating; I mean silence as in times where it may not be constructive for the Dom/Domme or submissive to speak and the reason for that person to choose silence over adding their two cents.

Hopefully that clears my original question up a bit.

Shylah

That only confuses me more.

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D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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Post #: 14

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:04:19 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

I think silence is very useful. It gives one time to make sure their mind is in gear before engaging their mouth.

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I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

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Post #: 15

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:06:25 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

This is a topic that is important to me but not really in anyway connected to BDSM.

I like silence, I need silence. I get sick to death of idle chatter. If someone is uncomfortable with moments of not having to yap on and on all the time they will soon get uncomfortable with my company.

As far as questioning wether or not there can be communication in silence. I believe some of the very best communication is done without words.

I will never forget a day about 12 years ago. My sister-in-law and I were out riding our horses and we had stopped on a hilltop to soak in the view. A few minutes into our sitting there looking around she said something like "you know whats really cool LeeAnn? I just realized we have been riding for close to two hours and hardly said anything. I love that we can be like that."
It was true, we hadn't talked much at all. Yet, were we not communicating during those quiet times? Of course we were! Smiles, pointing out different things to one another, all sorts of things. Just very few spoken words.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 16

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:06:56 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I think silence is very useful. It gives one time to make sure their mind is in gear before engaging their mouth.

YEP YEP

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Post #: 17

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:25:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Apparently when you said this "And anything else you can add to the subject would be very helpful" you really didn't mean that?

You need to realize that these are exactly the thoughts and questions that your audience will have. Are you going to tell them that they aren't giving you what you want?

There's no such thing as "vanilla reasons" or "dom reasons" We're all people. It will make your life a lot easier to see this as a human/relationship issue rather than an orientation issue.

You're trying to talk about silence in a very small and narrow way. This is fine in itself, but that doesn't help when you're dealing with a very complex concept.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 8/7/2007 1:28:44 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 18

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:37:08 PM

BIllCT

Posts: 160
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline

Silence can be used in many ways!
It can be used as a punishment between a couple, it can be used as a way of just ignoring someone also.
BUt silence can be a weapon when used between couples and can ultimately ruin a relationship in my opinion!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: The value of silence - 8/7/2007 1:39:52 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Apparently when you said this "And anything else you can add to the subject would be very helpful" you really didn't mean that?

You need to realize that these are exactly the thoughts and questions that your audience will have. Are you going to tell them that they aren't giving you what you want?

There's no such thing as "vanilla reasons" or "dom reasons" We're all people. It will make your life a lot easier to see this as a human/relationship issue rather than an orientation issue.

You're trying to talk about silence in a very small and narrow way. This is fine in itself, but that doesn't help when you're dealing with a very complex concept.

Bingo.

As for my relationship - silence really doesn't have a place. We believe talking and communication is key to a happy relationship. He would never tell me to be silent because it's a "subbly" thing to do, in fact we would have to say that, for us and in our opinion, silence is pretty bad for a relationship.

The only times Valyraen specifically wants silence is when my talking would interupt a show he wants to watch or distract when he is doing something. He will occasionally tell me I can't speak anymore, but that is only to annoy me when he feels like watching me do the frustrated kitten dance. I only use silence when I am angry or dealing with other emotions and I simply can't express them. So I tell him that I can not express myself properly at the moment and I would like to be silent for a time to think about it.

The OP may find those to be "vanilla" reasons but they are the only reasons that this d/s couple actually uses silence.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/7/2007 1:40:29 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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