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Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 12:41:57 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I did several searches in the archives and have not see a question ANSWERED as I am hoping to see this one---the closest was from 2004 when a new Domina asked "how do I take control from the beginning"---although there were some suggestions--there really weren't many on what things TO control ( as a means to teach others or share for new ideas)---so here is My post---We talk of control and that we "do it"---submissives ask Us to control them---yet we don't seem to address here what it is many of us really control--- ( and this is not about the orgasm)----example: A submissive who petitioned Me a few years ago, wanted Me to start taking control--make his decisions, give him a daily schedule, tell him how to spend his money---1200+ miles away , when I said that was ridiculous, he claims I am not a Domina----pfftt--My questions are:
 
1. What things DO you control with your submissives,
2. Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant
3. How did it happen? Immediately, over time
4. What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?
4. Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?
 
Again this has nothing to do with orgasms, chastity etc--this is real day to day things--
 
 

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 8/3/2007 12:42:46 PM >

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 12:43:33 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
1. What things DO you control with your submissives,

Very little.  My relationships are about authority, not much control.  Unless we're in a scene, I much prefer to delegate and let them control it.  In a scene, I like to control everything- what they speak, how they move, where they stand and all that.

Outside of a scene, they control it, I authorize it.


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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 12:56:27 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
1. What things DO you control with your submissives,

Very little.  My relationships are about authority, not much control.  Unless we're in a scene, I much prefer to delegate and let them control it.  In a scene, I like to control everything- what they speak, how they move, where they stand and all that.

Outside of a scene, they control it, I authorize it.


I like that outlook actually.  I know I like to delegate.

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:05:30 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

1. What things DO you control with your submissives,
2. Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant
3. How did it happen? Immediately, over time
4. What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?
4. Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?
 


I have had most everything controlled at one time or another: finances, hair styles, food choices, exercise, free time, work time, and so on. These things did not happen immediately - it takes trust to be controlled that far, and it takes a good amount of knowledge of a sub to be able to do it effectively for all parties. It was fairly smooth in all instances.

About the only things I would refuse to give up would be the right to raise my UM's as I see fit, and keeping my life / identity "outside" the dynamic. I can't see that isolation would be healthy (for me) emotionally or mentally.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:10:51 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Short answer to what do I control... Everything bar consent

They always retain one 'right' and only the one, to remove consent and walk away. Without that right then frankly where the hell is consent in ANY of it? With it, if they are still here, I know I still have consent because if they tell Me they want to leave I'll help them out that door rather than trying to stop them.

Everything else is MINE! I have control but how much is activly taken up at one time is another matter. The responcibility is always Mine, the buck stops here.

Nobody can live in the real world without making at least some decisions. I don't take on doormats, they are capable girls and I trust in that.  They know EVERY decision is accountable to Me, if I don't like a way a decision was made that I haven't ACTED ON and thus left to them then that will be addressed, either changed or it will be discussed so they understand My views on such situations so they are better placed to know what decision they could/should have made that I would be pleased with, or even possibly rules put in place to cover such situations in the future.

Most of that is used when I am not directly there to make the decisions for them and yes that can be done somewhat at a distance IF they can grasp the baseline of every decision being made being an act of submission even if You are not there, making the choises they believe you would have them make, the choises they believe would be most pleasing to You.

They also need to be focused and devoted to pleasing You. They need to have actualy submitted, not just SAY they have.

But is it something I would even attempt to START with someone at a distance? Not to that level. You need time together to know someone well enough, both for you to know and understand them and for them to learn what pleases You.

Even in real life with a lot of contact You take responcibility for the control from day one, you enforce any breaches of it, reminding them of their commitment, Drawing their submission in Your interaction with them, learning each other.... but you can't cover everything at once, your take up area by area, sometimes areas that catch Your interest  or where You see an obvious need for control...other areas will come up of their own accord... if they are not being drawn to Your attention in some way they they are obviously not broke so little point in 'fixing' them unless it'd be enjoyable or the girl is needing more control and its an area You tackle JUST because it maybe effective in reinforcing that feeling of control and security.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:12:56 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

2. Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant

 
Himself is not into micro-management, so part of my duties are to pay all the bills, maintain our good credit, balance the checkbook, do the shopping, laundry, meal planning, cooking, take care of the social calendar (although I'm not specifically allowed to make any plans without prior approval, I do let him know what else is planned so there are no conflicts) etc. without bugging him every 15 mins to ask if it's okay for me to proceed. He retains veto power and has all the authority to change anything at any moment at his whim.

quote:

3. How did it happen? Immediately, over time
 
Over a period of time lasting about 6 years and for the last 6 or so years, it's pretty much been this way without change. He was used to doing for himself (and it was hard for me to be with someone who was used to doing for himself) but we worked it out. He allows me to do for him now and he has taught me to understand that my service is as he requires it and not as I think it should be.. and that did take a while to learn.

quote:

4. What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?
 
Can't think of anything. If it 'was' within my control, it is 'now' within his. Things like my (adult) children's lives fall outside my control, so are outside his control.

quote:

4. Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?
 
Very smooth, actually. We are well-suited to one another and have been since that initial instant chemistry. The first few years together were just solidifying what we both felt from moment one and it's never changed.

 
Celeste

_____________________________

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:21:18 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
1. What things DO you control with your submissives,

Very little. My relationships are about authority, not much control. Unless we're in a scene, I much prefer to delegate and let them control it. In a scene, I like to control everything- what they speak, how they move, where they stand and all that.

Outside of a scene, they control it, I authorize it.



Pretty close to how I work.

I control anything that directly involves me as far as it is possible -- I'm not a goddess, I can't control the weather for example.

I do have final say on many things that Fox might want to do such as join a gaming group or take a second job but in general I listen to his reasons and make a decision based on what is best for me and for him. I am his first priority when he is at home with me but usually I don't need or want him physically with me all the time so he has a fair amount of free time (tempered by the fact that when I call, he must come and act immediately).

I made a decision early on that I did not want control over his own family of origin issues. I think it is healthier for him to learn to make and carry out those decisions on his own. Such as his going to this parents' cabin this weekend before his birthday -- though he did ask me if I required him this weekend before agreeing to their invitation.

How did I get this? Formal training and evaluation procedures that I use with every potential.

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:28:54 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I don't like to micro manage (although Robert thought differently *S*) I would rather give you my list of wants and my slave make it happen.  If I feel he's not doing whatever it is adequately then I step in. 

I do like certain things certain ways.  An example is someone I chat with right now.  He has very long hair (something I love) and because I feel he looks so much better with his hair down around his shoulders, I've requested (note requested not demande or expected) that he wear his hair that way when he has his webcam on.  He's attractive regardless but that pleases me.  If he feels he needs or wants to do something different then he asks (which is lovely).  Beyond that type of thing...I don't control much else via the internet.  I'm simply not a cyber dominant...and (don't tell him) but if he simply said "no" I'd not fuss (fake domina Donna I know *S*).  I really rather exert in person. 

When Robert was here I didn't care about things like how he did the laundry or how he kept his room.  I cared about how he portrayed himself day to day (which was always wonderfully).  I cared that he managed to make time for himself, I cared that he carried out whatever task I asked of him with dignity and self respect.

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:49:15 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		The short answer is that I control what I want to control, and nothing more.  I'm not a micro-manager, so I don't give a hoot about most (not all) details.  I prefer to manage the bigger picture. 
 
Having said that, for the most part I control behavior.  In addition, I make those decisions that rise to the level of deserving my attention (because I have authority to do so, as LA noted). 
 
None of this comes about instantly.  I'm fond of saying that submission isn't like a light switch... instantly and fully on, or instantly and fully off.  It's more like a dimmer switch with an infinite number of gradients.  Relationships develop over time, and the control inherent to power exchange relationships takes time to develop as well. 
 
John

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 1:50:41 PM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
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quote:

2. Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant


He controls my diet, exercise program, all the money, where I work, how often I work, how many hours a week I work, my haircolor, length etc. He controls all sexual interaction with him, He controls social interactions, he handles issues with my kiddo, like school, after-school activities etc...he discusses that with both of us but he makes the final call. I don't think there is much that he has not dictated how he wants it. It has been this way almost a decade.

quote:



3. How did it happen? Immediately, over time


It happened over time.

quote:


4. What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?


I can't think of anything he is a fantastic manager.
quote:



4. Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?


Smooth take-over mostly, sometimes I don't like that I can't stop after work and buy a book(I'm a voracious reader and B&N is my favorite store), nor can I stop at Starbucks and get my favorite vanilla creme, I have been known to grumble about those two things.

< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 8/3/2007 1:53:14 PM >

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~Ron and Hup

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 2:24:30 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		As Lucky said, it is not about control, it is about authority.  He has the authority. 

quote:


2. Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant


If we change the word control to authority, the answer is anything that he wants.  All authority has been transferred to him.  Some of it he delegates back to me and in other things he exercises.  He has authority over the money that I make and how I spend it, what I do with my free time, the clothes that I wear, the food that I eat, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, how I talk and anything else that you can think of.

quote:

3. How did it happen? Immediately, over time


Upon becoming his slave the authority was immediately transferred.  However, he did not exercise it all at once and over time the areas of my life that he chooses to exercise his authority have expanded.  I am not able to think of an aspect of my life where he has not exercised his authority in some fashion.

quote:

4. What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?


When you change the word control to authority, there is not anything that he does not have authority over.  Even the parts of my life that he has delegated the authority back to me, he can take it away at any time.

quote:

4. Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?


It was not a hostile take over.  He has no desire to be with someone that does not willingly transfer the authority to him.  However, there were challenges.  It was a big adjustment; I was a very independent person and I was used to doing things my way and not being accountable to anyone else.  There were some significant behavioral changes for me and it took consistent effort and focus from both of us to make it successful.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 2:38:18 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Again this has nothing to do with orgasms, chastity etc--this is real day to day things--[/color]



I beg to differ. Orgasms ARE real day to day things. And controlling them tends to lead to control of other things.

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 2:57:18 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		An excellent question, and If I weren't leaving town in less than 14 hours, I'd answer (I've got lots of stuff to do, before I leave). But I am so glad you posted this thread - there is much to contemplate in this topic. Thank you. I look foward to reading this thread when I get back, next week-end (and I am writing it down, so I don't forget. It's that good a topic, IMO).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/3/2007 3:00:22 PM >

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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 3:14:55 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
Submissives what do you HAVE controlled by your Dominant

After having read the other responses so far, I find my own situation (as usual) somewhere in the middle.  Master does not generally micro-manage but there are some things He enjoys tighter control over than others.  For example, He doesn't care to control what I eat so much (as long as it's not lots of sugar) as that I eat three meals a day.  He knows I'm notorious for going all day and not eating and then eating something not so good for me late in the evening.  Therefore, He's gotten regular in asking me "What did you eat for breakfast and lunch today?" to see if I did eat anything.

He doesn't really enjoy controlling what I buy but He does control the amount of money I carry.  We have joint checking and saving accounts but I do not freely go and withdraw money without asking.  I have access in case there is an emergency need for such but I don't routinely go to the ATM to get cash.  Whenever He sends me shopping or running errands, I always account for all the money and bring Him receipts back.  This has been the hardest thing for me to adapt to.  I'm not one to go in debt or anything like that but, if I have a purse full of money, it tends to burn a hole in it and I spend rather freely.  Master's policies have really helped prevent this and asserted His control in the financial area. 

Depending on His mood, He'll decide exactly what I wear on any given day.  Sometimes He won't tell me, I'll get dressed, and then He'll have me change something (the whole outfit, just the blouse, my shoes, purse, or earrings).  He doesn't micromanage this often but sometimes it's important to Him. 

Then, in other areas, He can be amazingly hands off.  I'll ask what He wants in His lunch or what He wants prepared for dinner and He'll simply say, "surprise me."  Sometimes in bed He just lies back and says "please me, girl."  But then other days, He's very specific about exactly what He wants.  I'm adaptable and just go with the flow.  If He doesn't control any specific area, I just try to operate as closely to what I know He would prefer if He did tell me. 
quote:

How did it happen? Immediately, over time
Most everything happened rather immediately.  My own getting used to it has taken longer in some areas, specifically the finances.  As beingchewsie said, I love stopping by the bookstore or Starbucks and treating myself.  As long as I have enough money in my purse to do so, He doesn't mind.  But I never stop by and dip into our bank account via the debit card just to treat myself.  It's not appropriate in our relationship for me to do so.  That's been a bit hard for me to get used to but I've adapted well.
quote:

What would you NEVER control or allow to be controlled?
Well, we don't have children so I can't say that.  I suppose the only thing that even comes close would be my access to/relationship with my mother, brother, and sister.  He has no desire to prohibit or limit this anyway so I don't think it'll ever be an issue.  If it were to become so, I'm sure I'd have anguish over it.  We are very close.
quote:

Was it a smooth transition or a hostile take over?
Smooth.  As kyra said, He wouldn't want me if I wasn't willing to obey Him and do all He requires.  The money thing has been hard for me but it was never a hostile thing.  With our dynamic, it was more like Daddy being firm with His daughter over her allowance.  "Here's your allowance.  Don't blow it because I'm not giving you anymore until it's time.".  So........I rein in my spendthrift ways........luci
 

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/3/2007 3:19:02 PM >

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 4:13:36 PM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		not sure if I am misunderstanding your question..
but,
I am not controlled, I am with someone who is in control.  For me, there is a difference. 
 
Cyndi

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 8:23:39 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Again this has nothing to do with orgasms, chastity etc--this is real day to day things--



I beg to differ. Orgasms ARE real day to day things. And controlling them tends to lead to control of other things.



That may be true, however this post was not designed to address the sexual, but as almost all posters spoke of, day to day living things---finances, food, work, clothing etc---as you can see, no one here mentioned anything sexual---

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/3/2007 8:25:45 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cyntilating

not sure if I am misunderstanding your question..
but,
I am not controlled, I am with someone who is in control.  For me, there is a difference. 
 
Cyndi


Can you explain for us how you define the difference with specific examples?

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/4/2007 5:26:58 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		Mistress Hathor
 
yes, I can and will, and thank you for asking...
 
In the relationship I was in, the dominant role was one of leadership and authority..
 
You asked for an example:
 
 I was not micro-managed, my day was still planned out by me.  I would often times, wanting to please him and because I respected and trusted his knowledge and life-skills, ask about certain choices or decisions I needed to make about home or perhaps my job ( I worked full-time job ) or something that happened in my day with my kids ( I was raising 2 children, that were not his and he and I did not live together ).  His advice was one of leadership and direction but he did not make those kind of decisions for me.
I didn't have a list by him of things that filled my day>rather, I was encouraged to give him MY list of things I needed to do that day and he was then aware and would sometimes alter or sometimes not, depending on his mood or his wisdom and insight..
for instance> if he saw that my day was to be filled with heavy responsibility, but I hadnt alloted any time for myself or my own pleasure ( quiet time, reading, personal excersize ) or something that he thought would be beneficial to me ( or to him or his desires), then he  would amend that for me by pointed that out and talking to me about it.  I see that as guidance rather than controlling me..
    HIS list, his demands of my day, his instructions = He controls my day 
vs.
my list, with his permission and sometimes guidance and direction = leadership and authority.
 
When it was just He and I ...privately..intimately..he was incontrol, yes.  But, I was also encouraged to bring my own ideas and certainly personal expression of passion to these times.  There were time when a certain block of time he made for just us was completely filled with all his ideas and desires and all he wanted from me at that time was my surrender to them all, he would make that clear to me at that time.....but he also enjoyed the times when he chose to leave the equipment and toys aside and loved that we each brought our own spontaneous reactions and creative ideas together and were free to express ourselves emotionally, intimately and physically.
 There was never a doubt whether he was in control and I always wanted to please him and would naturally follow his direction and lead, but my point is that it ( my actions and desire to please) came from the heart, not because>>
"it was what I was told to do"  = controlled ( in my opinion )
 
I suppose the way I see the terms and meaning of
being controlled vs being with someone who is in control
is similar to the way I define and separate>
someone being domineering vs being dominant.
being controlling vs being in control..
 
Someone who is controlling and domineering, generally, is doing that from a place of weakness ( or fears ) and LACK of control of their ownselves or own life OR a need to control everything and everyone around them...and I see that as a negative characteristic. 
A dominants dominance is in reactions to, and exists because of, the submissives submission to Him/Her/Them ( in my opinion , and will apologize and am aware that I might have left some PC out of that equation but was going for simplicity rather than all inclusive for this particular thought)...They are not attempting to dominate others or situations that are not theirs to be in control of....
 
 
Its not that Im trying to speak for or define how dominants feel...no way... just trying to explain how I responded to the one I was with and His particular manner of being in control of self and of our relationship.  I did not feel controlled.
 
His leadership role was/is a natural part of his personality in general and the manner in which he lived ALL of his life, not just his style of relationship preference.
 
I hope I have answered your question
Cyndi
 
 
 

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RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/4/2007 6:18:21 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I can identify with that way of things, not quite My way but enough simerlaritys to see much is only in terms of perspective and labeling.

A girl of Mine has given up all her control to Me, to use kira's teminology, I have the authroity over all her life.

she knows that I can and will excersise that control in any area I wish to, most of the time it is where I see things that can be done better or things that will give her the structure she craves (ergo it is better because that structure leads her to feel more secure and cared for, thus more confident). I can also choose to control to simply satisfy My preffrences or enjoyment.

Those areas where I do not activly at that time take up directly, she knows are still accountable to Me and if they are mishandled/displeasing/disruptive/etc. Then I WILL take more direct control

A little like your 'your list' 'His list' difference.

Edit to address another point of MH's that I didn't cover earlier:
From the point of submission I have that authority, it is what she submits to. The way and extent I will excersise that control will start in a few areas and extend as the relationship deepens and I get a better and better understanding of her and We build greater trust in each other. It often expands quite rapidly over the first few months as areas needed are identified and addressed before slowing down once 'problem areas' have been tackled. The more 'problem areas' the faster that initial stage tends to go, often those areas are covered by dealing with symptoms and then returned to with a better understanding of the gril to look at root causes.


< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 8/4/2007 6:30:53 AM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Taking/Asserting/Control - 8/4/2007 6:33:30 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Cyndi,
 
Thank you so very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and your life---this has been invaluable--I will read and reread it many times----I find that as W/we profess control,  power exchange, authority for submissives and well-- for new Dominants-we do not do a good job of giving real examples--we always seem to speak in the theoretical--that is not to say your ways will work for others but it does give them a real place to start and look at the mainifestation----
 
Raven,
 
As always your words are inspired and show a different side of this  manifestation--I like from both of you that you address, it is for the GOOD of the submssive, hence proferring more trust and a deeper relationship.
 
Cyndi,
 
your example of domineering and controlling versus Dominant and in control are marvelous---as well as "leave the equipment and toys aside"---and that it came from the heart---because He inspired you, supported you, guided you.., not commanded or demanded----smiles
 
So very very insightful from you, Raven, and so many others---articulating so others can SEE and feel versus espousing concepts--I look forward to more posts-----
 
 

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 8/4/2007 6:34:51 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 20
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