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Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 3:58:19 AM

Kidsphoenixx

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline

Whenever anyone ( specifically non-BDSM) asks me about "the lifestyle", my response has always been..." It is NOT based on SEX, that is a just the common general public misconception". Then I go on to spout on about the whole "trust,respect,honesty" bit.
But you know what? After 4-odd years, a LOT of reading, observing and a little bit of social "interaction" , it seems to me that whilst it may not be ALL about sex, sex is, more often than not, the bottom line.
It's all very well to say "It's whatever the parties involved say it is...and whatever IT is, is ok for those involved", but when you really stand back and look, the majority of the time it IS based on sex. ( Please note, I said majority, NOT all.)
The point of this post?
Nothing specific really, just a dawning revelation/verification ( for ME).

(Edited because "i" only comes before "o" in the alphabet, not in "social" lol)

< Message edited by Kidsphoenixx -- 7/24/2007 4:01:05 AM >

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RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:10:44 AM

boytoy4female

Posts: 103
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline

I agree. The bottom line is that it is about sex. At the core, our sexual instinct still reighs supreme. Men especially are sexual creatures. Some ladies have discovered that with a little sexual manipulation, they can have the male taking the first steps into submission. If you remove the sex and everything sexual, there is nothing left for bdsm.

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 2

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:12:27 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

I had a thought about that the other day really, we can yell to the high heavens about how it means different things to different people. But then we sit and talk about which fetishes or kinks make us hot under the collar. Even if sex isn't involved, a great deal of it seems to be for sexual pleasure.

But then again, I can safely say some aspects such as the power exchange in D/s situations, aren't always 'arousing' it's more... 'pleasing' like the kind of contentment one gets from a favorite hobby, or some work well done. I wouldn't call those sexual either. Perhaps it's simply more that, the sexual bits get amplified while the more common feelings and emotions are taken for granted?
I think it can be said about context too, I've heard some people say being flogged or bound can be relaxing, so then that's not completely about sex either, even if their top is expecting to wind them up later.

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 3

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:32:50 AM

MsOpal

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

The OP made me smile to myself. Like many others I have to say that have been 'kinky' since childhood, but I really began my Ds -bdsm journey about 10 years ago. At that time I argued on the side of "it is always about sex and no one will ever convince me differently"!!!! <--- I really was THAT !!!! adamant about it too! Now, after relaxing about things and thinking about my feelings, I have to say that I feel differenly. I have been told that once a person, top or bottom, who is engaged in a bdsm scene or physical play session has an orgasm they no longer have any desire to cntinue that session. My reply is - who says anyone is going to ahve an orgasm in a play session? And if you do, so what, why does it end then?

As a bottom I very rarely bottom to anyone other than Argent and when I have it has been for something like a demo or birthday spankings, not a full out play session, and with Argent and me sex is almost always involved if it is a bdsm play session. But in our everyday Ds power exchange life, it just simply is not always about sex. (OK - please remember this is me and I am not speaking for anyone else and yes the OP said majority not all - I just wanted to voice my experience of changing my opinion the other way) Also, when I Top/Dom my boys - for ME sex has nothing at all to do with anything. I gain no sexual gratification, no sexual excitement, it is not a turn on, and we do not engage in any sexual activity. For me the power, the trust is such a head rush that I cant really describe it, I just know I like it.

One major realization for me over the years has been that even in a play session the feelings of each individual do not have to be the same. For me, my involvement in bdsm and Ds has opened my eyes to the myriad facets of relationships, whether loving or friends or strictly power exchange and to the many ways we all intereact with other everyday and to the subtlties in those interactions. Well and to how hot kinky sex can really be!!!

Yawn - need coffee - good morning!
YMMV, and all the usual caveats,
MsOpal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

and I did.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 4

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:48:05 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

Count me in the "It's whatever the parties involved say it is...and whatever IT is, is ok for those involved" camp. To say that it's not about sex denies that for some people it very well may be.

Personally, I believe that there is a pervasive sexuality that runs through most of WIITWD, even as it relates to power exchange relationship dynamics. And while sexuality is not the functional equivalent of sex, it can certainly be a catalyst.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 5

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:56:51 AM

malloves69

Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

yes sex is a big part of it for me with my mistress

yes i pay her but LOVE our times together

everything we do is special and i dont think i could get that in a vanilla relationship now ...love when she fucks me with her strapons

love when she fists me anally

once her fists slides into me i give up myself completely to her and her desires

can you tell i got some yesterday ? ..still smiling

the 2 times a week get togethers we do have are the best times of the week for me ...other then seeing my kids on the weekends

being a submissive male isnt all bad ..she can take my ass anytime she wants to

ahhh and the ways she makes me cum are awesome

have fun ..i know i do mal

(in reply to MsOpal)

Post #: 6

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 4:59:24 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

Like many committed adult relationships, it ~includes~ but is not limited to sex. My relationships aren't based solely on sex, and if a particular dynamic didn't include kinky sex but did include the power exchange / transfer, I'd be fine with it. Basing any dynamic solely on sex is asking for an untimely end to that relationship. There's got to be more if it's not a disposable / fun convenience (and if it is, yay - carry on).

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 7

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 5:46:25 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsOpal
...
As a bottom I very rarely bottom to anyone other than Argent and when I have it has been for something like a demo or birthday spankings, not a full out play session, and with Argent and me sex is almost always involved if it is a bdsm play session. But in our everyday Ds power exchange life, it just simply is not always about sex.
...
Also, when I Top/Dom my boys - for ME sex has nothing at all to do with anything. I gain no sexual gratification, no sexual excitement, it is not a turn on, and we do not engage in any sexual activity. For me the power, the trust is such a head rush that I cant really describe it, I just know I like it.

One major realization for me over the years has been that even in a play session the feelings of each individual do not have to be the same. For me, my involvement in bdsm and Ds has opened my eyes to the myriad facets of relationships, whether loving or friends or strictly power exchange and to the many ways we all intereact with other everyday and to the subtlties in those interactions. Well and to how hot kinky sex can really be!!!
...

I thought this was a lovely, well thought out post; it certainly mirrors what I've experienced.

The thing is…I can play and have a wonderful time without overt sex included; in fact (because I have no significant other), that is how I generally play.

I agree with John though, and would say that there is almost always a pervasive sexuality with most play dynamics and it is the most fun when one can allow the catalyst loose to its intended fruition; but I just can’t imagine myself f*cking everybody with whom I play.

Yeah, I keep hearing ‘…but ‘slut’ is a good thing!’ I just can’t bring myself to go there. LOL

beverly

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(in reply to MsOpal)

Post #: 8

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 5:55:54 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kidsphoenixx

Whenever anyone ( specifically non-BDSM) asks me about "the lifestyle", my response has always been..." It is NOT based on SEX, that is a just the common general public misconception". Then I go on to spout on about the whole "trust,respect,honesty" bit.
But you know what? After 4-odd years, a LOT of reading, observing and a little bit of social "interaction" , it seems to me that whilst it may not be ALL about sex, sex is, more often than not, the bottom line.
It's all very well to say "It's whatever the parties involved say it is...and whatever IT is, is ok for those involved", but when you really stand back and look, the majority of the time it IS based on sex. ( Please note, I said majority, NOT all.)
The point of this post?
Nothing specific really, just a dawning revelation/verification ( for ME).

(Edited because "i" only comes before "o" in the alphabet, not in "social" lol)

Ever seen Futurama? In particular the episode where Frye starts dating a robot and the Professor plays that robot-sex ed. video? The video goes on this lecture about how all advances of civilization have been just an effort to impress whatever sex you wanted to hump and increase chances of getting laid.

I'm inclined to agree with them. Sex is a lot of fun and most people enjoy doing it, for one reason or another. The lifestyle, as a whole, isn't about sex but damn if isn't a strong factor.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 9

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:16:39 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i make it a habit not to tell anyone about the lifestyle or that i have a Daddy except those who already know like the staff/co-workers at the radio station. i did once when a guy try to approach me with "do you enjoy being dominated in bed" pick up line however when i told him "i would have to ask Daddy for permission to meet him", he immediately went on this long tiraide assuming i'm sex slave that i have very low self-esteem and confidence and enjoy having incestious sex with my "father"...he even said people like me are sick freaks. *sighs* oh well

_____________________________

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(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 10

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:25:49 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

"Let's talk about you and me"

Thanks, now i'll have that little diddy in my head all day

Personally, i'm in it for the articles

chia* {aren't we, isn't it} (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 11

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:42:51 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I wouldn't base a realtionship wholly on sex, but i also won't stay in a relationship thats not sexually satisfying.

My most intimate friends know that i gravitate towards dominant men.....enjoy being spanked...toys, etc...If they ask a question i answer honeslty but i don't use "lifestyle" terms to do so.

I agree completely with Johns post, and i would ask the OP....have we not deduced that for some...it is indeed all about sex...and not so much a 24/7 power exchange?

I don't even attempt to pursue anything intimate/sexual with someone that does not share a common structure of beliefs... and desires for the relationship because i have no desire to repress any part of myself at this point in life.

As loudly as some will proclaim "it's not about sex!!" In my opinion, if there was not some type of fulfillment that is comparable to sexual satisfaction to the aroused, then no one would be doing that which we do. Either way, a hunger is being fed, a thirst being quenched.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:52:15 AM

BossySSBBW

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/18/2006
Status: offline

What irritates me is the people who think it is only about sex and their initial contact with me is "what are you going to do to me". The do me, do me people make me want to scream at times. Some men I have spoken to have said it is not about sex for them, but the emotional release that the submission gives them. So, maybe it evolves in this lifestyle just as it does in a vanilla lifestyle.

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 13

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:52:33 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

To me, this is about sex. And laughter. And fishing. And confidences. And condolences when necessary. And happiness and some really great conversations. And sex. And intensity. and getting my ass beat. And sex. And love. And friendship. And life.

Anything less is unacceptable - to me.

juliet

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 14

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 6:56:35 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Why on earth people think getting naked and beating each other and pulling on the soft bits is sex is beyond me. Sex is when the lights are off, nobody talks, she is on her back s just waiting for him to be done so they can both fall asleep.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 15

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 7:01:08 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Why on earth people think getting naked and beating each other and pulling on the soft bits is sex is beyond me. Sex is when the lights are off, nobody talks, she is on her back s just waiting for him to be done so they can both fall asleep.

What happens if he falls asleep first?

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 7:16:28 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

There are very very few people I know who got into "all this" and didn't have it relate to sexual pleasure in some way. It might grow into MORE than that over time, it might not be the focus, but very very few people get into this thinking "Oh it's so awesome I can finally have someone order me to do my laundry and that will make me SOO happy!"

And the reality is, sex is (and IMO should be) a big part of almost everyone's life. It's fun, it's primal, it's pleasureable, it's free (unless you want something special and can't find it otherwise) and it's US.

Most of my discussions on sex in kink is how so many kinksters are against sex in public. That's a kinky activity that's just too edgy for most people to allow.

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(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 17

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 7:17:18 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Count me in the camp where in sexuality does pervade a lot of w.i.i.t.w.d.. I feel that it is strongest within the BDSM aspects but even in the strictly D/s non-play aspect of the relationship, it is there...even if just in understood but unstated terms.

And there is nothing wrong with that. No matter how we dress up our romantic relationships with others, the physical drive is there. It is a biological fact and trying to deny it makes little sense to me.

Do I want someone I can speak to about music, books, politics, all manner of subjects? Yes.
Do I want someone who can help me build a nicer looking home for the two of us to enjoy? Yes. Do I want someone who makes me feel warm and loved and respected and there for me when the rest of the world is kicking my ass? Yes.
I want all that...and I want it to be someone who enjoys fucking/sucking/playing with/being played with by me after/before/even during a good scene. Someone who recognizes that part of the reason she sought out BDSM and D/s was because of a latent strong sexualilty within herself that was not being satisfied often enough or well enough or correctly...for her.

(in reply to Kidsphoenixx)

Post #: 18

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 8:36:18 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

I can certainly understand those people that say that for them wiitwd is about sex and those that don't. However, I would argue that all of it started with sexual developent back in puberty. Maybe someone doesn't figure it out until they're 40 and by then perhaps simply scrubbing the floors at someone else's command is what makes them feel complete. But I'm willing to bet that if you could trace back where that relationship (serving = complete) orignially came from, it would be something related to sex. For example, perhaps the idea of submitting sexually was appealing but not understood during puberty. Over time, the sex appeal turns into a sense of belonging or comfort. And the sexual submission slowly gets turned into simple service of everyday non-sexual activities. Just a crazy thought.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 19

RE: Let's Talk About Sex, Babeeee... - 7/24/2007 8:46:48 AM

MsOpal

Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Why on earth people think getting naked and beating each other and pulling on the soft bits is sex is beyond me. Sex is when the lights are off, nobody talks, she is on her back s just waiting for him to be done so they can both fall asleep.

What happens if he falls asleep first?

John

Hopefully she remembers to be on top the next time!!!

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

and I did.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 20

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