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roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 7:19:14 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		I have finally learned how to do this ie post a new thread thanks to a nice sub.
My observation skills need a lot of improvement obviously.
One of my main problems in understanding the lifestyle in general is the fact that some people seem to play roles either dominant or submissive and then 'play' for a period of time. Not that it bothers me that much how other people do things but it does make communication very difficult.
Does this cause anyone else problems?
I'm dominant and I am and I do the things that cause me pleasure as long as I am reasonably sure of consensuality. I don't play.
ie If I'm annoyed with a submissive I discipline them. Obviously I control my anger first so I don't harm them.
This is of course quite different from if I am doing a scene and role playing within the scene.
A scene is different than enjoying our physical sexuality. (I avoided the word playing as I'm certainly not acting) 
The analogy of the difference between two or more people making love BDSM style and people making a BDSM film is an apt one I think.
Ok I understand that submission and domination is a choice for some people. I don't have to try and dominate everyone. That would be just too much like hard work. I chose who I dominate but I'm certainly not acting a part.
So are there subs or Dom/mes reading this  who are acting within their relationships? If so does your partner know you are acting?
Maybe it's the professional influence on the 'lifestyle' that causes these communication problems. They are mostly acting and that's why they burn out.
What do others think?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 7:27:45 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
I have finally learned how to do this ie post a new thread thanks to a nice sub.
My observation skills need a lot of improvement obviously.
One of my main problems in understanding the lifestyle in general is the fact that some people seem to play roles either dominant or submissive and then 'play' for a period of time. Not that it bothers me that much how other people do things but it does make communication very difficult.
Does this cause anyone else problems?

Only for people who think that "dominant" and "submissive" actually mean the same thing to everyone, both in theory and in practice.

The reality is that each relationship is different, and how each relationship will work betewen everyone is different as well- so the need to communicate and understand eachother is the same in EVERY relationship.

A lot of people just like to believe the myth that "dominant" and "submissive" are somehow more solid and universal.

quote:

 I chose who I dominate but I'm certainly not acting a part.
So are there subs or Dom/mes reading this  who are acting within their relationships? If so does your partner know you are acting?
Maybe it's the professional influence on the 'lifestyle' that causes these communication problems. They are mostly acting and that's why they burn out.
What do others think?

We switch, but we aren't acting when we switch.  Sometimes I WISH I could choose where we are- but really it's never been a choice.  It's simply where the energy is at that time.  It would be very wrong of me to deny that or go against where I am at that time.

There are definitely some who come into bdsm to escape, to play and to act- and there are definitely some who will burn out when they realize that no amount of kinky trappings will actually SOLVE any problems they have and that only the long term methods of dealing with it directly will help.

And there are definitely some who really do just enjoy the acting on being kinky.  There's a lot of power in that.  It can be great FUN (something so many kinky people forget about) and it is what works for them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 7:42:45 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		i think much of what you say here does in fact occur,
some simply In it for the minute. Works for them,
however they should be honest of that intent from
the beginning with those they meet.

Sometimes all this use of words like scene, play, roles,
etc. makes me feel like i'm in a TV movie of the week,
though i do understand the widely accepted meaning
of such. i think for those seeking a solid constant
relationship however, these words can become just
another hurdle to overcome in the neverending struggle
to find satisfying, passionte purpose.

chia* (the pet)  

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to lateralist1)
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RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 7:43:01 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I hated the word "play" when I first entered the scene as what I did was too special, unique, etc. to be labeled with such a childish and superficial word.  Then I got over myself.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 7:56:20 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks Lucky Albatross.
I understand what you are saying about people having the same understanding of what dominant and submissive mean as personality traits.
My fem sub thought it was about me being bossy and carrying on at her all the time.
I had to act like a seargent major to get her to do anything. Not my idea of fun.
I agree that kink doesn't solve problems but lifestyle people have helped me to solve my own problems. For which I will always be very grateful.
Whatever floats your boat is my motto BUT I suppose I have the same gripe as a lot of people. I would like people to be honest about it and not use me to further their own vanilla/kink wants without any interest in me as a person. I'm pretty certain I've been hoodwinked loads of times and it really doesn't do me any good. It's made me suspiciuos of everyone's motives. To the point of actually becoming paranoid for a while. And that's not much fun either. So yes honesty and good communication is essential or people can get very screwed up.

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RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 8:06:00 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

One of my main problems in understanding the lifestyle in general is the fact that some people seem to play roles either dominant or submissive and then 'play' for a period of time. Not that it bothers me that much how other people do things but it does make communication very difficult.
Does this cause anyone else problems?


Not for me. I absolutely do play. I like it. It's fun. If someone wants to call what I am a 'role', no skin off my nose. It's just a word and other words will fit just as well if not better. Feel free to substitute the word 'calling' for role. It really doesn't matter as long as you're on the same page with your partner/s and, of course, you are free to dictate to any submissive that they not use words which perturb you. They are free to tell you to shove off if they don't like your edicts. You know.. all that consensual stuff that people get all hopped up about.


quote:

So are there subs or Dom/mes reading this  who are acting within their relationships? If so does your partner know you are acting?


I am a submissive so I act like a submissive. When I don't act like a submissive, Himself beats my ass.. and not in a good-that-was-fun sorta way either. I don't, however, pretend to be what I'm not and I think that's what you're really asking. Some people get into BDSM for the great bedroom antics and the rest of the time, they are happy go lucky and don't give two seconds thought to BDSM. No harm, no foul. If you want that, great.. if you don't, that's great too.


quote:

Maybe it's the professional influence on the 'lifestyle' that causes these communication problems. They are mostly acting and that's why they burn out.
What do others think?


Well, yeah, sometimes. You can only wear a mask for so long before it starts to slip and it's actually possible to eat so much chocolate that you get sick of it.  Personally, I don't consider the fact that I'm a woman as a role. I don't consider the fact that I'm bisexual a role and I don't consider the fact that I'm submissive a role. They are just parts of who I am but if someone else wants to say that it's a role, that doesn't break down communication with me because I do understand what they are saying and that's the key to communication, isn't it .. understanding what someone else says and being able to put your own point across in a manner which is equally well understood.

If you are unsure of what someone is saying or if there is terminology which is unclear, rephrase their statements or questions using your own words and just ask them if it's what they meant. It may take a few extra moments, but it's probably worth it so you're on the same page as the person to whom you are speaking.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 10:36:36 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Perhaps you might find my Tribe's definitions meaningful:
Top/bottom = physical roles
Dom/sub = mental roles
Master/slave = spiritual roles

People prefer to be at one level or another. No level is better or worse and often, roles can be mixed (Dom doesn't always = sadist, for example).

There's also a difference between Dominating and being domineering, as you've indicated you've discovered.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 11:53:55 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

Maybe it's the professional influence on the 'lifestyle' that causes these communication problems. They are mostly acting and that's why they burn out.
What do others think?


As a Professional Domme I think you are way off base that the Professionals have taken away communication.
I feel if anything Pro's communicate more as We have many different submissives that all have different personalities as Pros We need to be able to relate to all of these types.

I am one Pro that does not act some Part/Role when doing sessions.
To clarify: I have many sides,Some days I'm a Goddess to be pampered,
some days I am cruel and some days I am silly.Each of those characters(if you will) are a part of Me and part of how I conduct a session.
I would agree that scenes need to be set at times,like darken the room,or some other type of "toy" gets set-up for use.
I dont use the term play as I dont see it as "playing" to Me its serious and I treat it that way.
There are Other Pros out there that are exactly the same,perhaps you just havent been lucky enough to find them.

< Message edited by MistressSassy66 -- 7/20/2007 11:59:43 AM >

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 12:20:28 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		lol Michael. Yep I am getting over myself slowly.
BitaTrouble yes I prefer 'calling.' Although that sounds a bit over the top.
And exactly anyone can tell anyone to go away except of course when there is a great deal at stake in other ways.
Thanks for reminding me about checking what someone else means.
Thanks for your tribes definitions MasterFireMaam.
I'm not sure about the spiritual bit for me but you never know. Do you think Mistress/slave can reach the spiritual or is it only Master slave?
Yes I have always known the dangers of falling into domineering behaviours.
Been there done that got the Tshirt and learnt the lessons I hope.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: roles and scenes - 7/20/2007 12:45:24 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		So are you saying you are always dominant? You are always in charge? You stand over a sub cooking dinner for example and tell them exactly how much oregano to put in the spaghetti sauce? Or do you let her do it herself, deciding for herself if she wants it garlicky or cheesy or whatever? Because if she's making the decision and you're just sitting and eating happily then aren't you bowing to her will? Aren't you submitting to eat what she chose to cook?

He's dominant but there are arenas in life that he just doesn't choose to dominate. As long as he has clean clothes he doesn't care when I do laundry. As long as dinner is there he doesn't much care what it is, nor if I ask him to grill it. He doesn't act dominant or is dominant or however you like to say it, he just doesn't care to waste his energy on these things.

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 5:44:56 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Mistress Sassy I don't think that professional Dommes have taken away communication at all. In fact I'm sure that as it is your business to please a client then you are probably better at understanding their needs than I am. And understanding is a part of good communication.
After all you are a professional and it seems a very good one.
However as a Dominant woman I do not rely on pleasing a man.
Of course I want him to be happy in a relationship with me.
But if he isn't happy doing what I want him to do for me and with me then I am the wrong woman for him. It's as simple as that.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 5:53:29 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Celeste when I find the right submissive lover I will teach him how to cook in a way that pleases me. If he has the capacity to learn. If not I will do the cooking and he can be my helper. Not all people have the ability to learn everything. Some are more naturally gifted than others though. And some excel in some areas and don't in others.
I see it as my job to find out where my lover excels and where he needs help. And then supply the help he needs to please me.

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 6:10:26 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Celeste when I find my submissive lover I will make sure that he can cook my meals to my specifications. If he can't or can't learn with my help and guidance then I will do it myself with his help.
Some people are naturally giften at almost everything, some excel at some things.
It is my job to find out what he can do perfectly well himself and what he needs my help with to learn. Teaching, training, stretching or whatever you call it is part of being a good Domme for me. I am obviously different than your master because I am a different person with different expectations and skills. I have met one or two men who exceeded my expectations when preparing food. Never met one who could clean up to my standards though lol.

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 7:27:50 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear lateralist1, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
First, lateralist1 --congratulations on doing your first post!  It is a good topic indeed.
 
For me, in using the word(s) role --it really is depending on how it is used.  I prefer to use it as how I define my role in life--as a Dominant, good person and so forth.  For me, in my mind's eyes are the entire scheme of thing in life itself and how I interact with it.
 
The Scene, has been used to describe in a cryptic manner as to the BDSM, D/s, M/s and or S&M culture.  And 'A/the scene' was used to describe for that moment where people were doing their own thing; A to Z with themselves within a larger facility, club, among themselves and or private party.  I do avoid using 'role play' unless it is part of a scene, such as Interrogation scenes--that we use different arch-types as to put a different spin on a scene.
 
As you have stated, to which I also agree to -- I am a Dominant but, I do not have to be domineering as to project the powers, knowledge and or skills as a Dominant. 
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 9:36:02 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1
..... the lifestyle in general is the fact that some people seem to play roles either dominant or submissive and then 'play' for a period of time. Not that it bothers me that much how other people do things but it does make communication very difficult.
Does this cause anyone else problems?


THIS is a prime example of what makes a 'top' or a 'bottom' these people 'play' [like a theatre roll] for a period of time then when the 'play time' stops, they go to 'normal,' aka 'non kink.' If are STRICTLY a 'Top/bottom' couple or within that dynamic, and it works for you, go for it. For me, its NOT a 'part' I play, its who I am.

quote:


So are there subs or Dom/mes reading this  who are acting within their relationships? If so does your partner know you are acting?


I may act like a brat at times {giggles} or more 'feline' yet, as for acting submissive, nope. Yes, He knows I act like a brat or a cat at times. He calls me a brat sometimes. As for acting submissive, I AM submissive, I am a slave afterall. I may not behave submissive to everyone around me, that doesn't mean I am acting or playing.

quote:


Maybe it's the professional influence on the 'lifestyle' that causes these communication problems. They are mostly acting and that's why they burn out.
What do others think?


No. I think its just the seperation from Tops/bottoms to Doms/subs and Masters/slaves. Tops and bottoms 'play' or 'act' while the later 2 live it. Fantasy verses reality. It depends on where 'things' aka 'playing' ends; Tops and bottoms end things once their 'play time' is over, Doms/subs an Masters/slaves do NOT stop 'playing,' its reality and its continuious.   

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 9:39:22 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thankyou Lady Hugs I actually understood most of the above.
And the length of your post didn't put me off reading it either.
You could still do with learning how to say what you mean in a more direct manner though. Take this sentence  For me, in my mind's eyes are the entire scheme of thing in life itself and how I interact with it. 
I know what it means. I think.
However you have attempted to say what I have been trying to get at.
So lets try it this way.
I am a dominant person in everything that I am and do and therfore I am not going to have any relationships where I don't dominate the other person. Unless I consciously chose not to do so. I can chose. I only dominate my mother when I have to for her safety. If only more women would come out of the closet and show there dominant natures the word would be a lot better place. However I think some women think that it's not femine. Men won't like it and so on. Of course if they are going to dominate they had better be a lot less selfish than most men are. Or nobody will ever care much for anyone. Some Doms on this site show that they are caring Doms. You know just like a traditional good man is supposed to be. Strong, caring, considerate. Able to make good decisions for his woman and family. Which often included other women relatives. Some I'm not so sure about. Sits back and waits for the flames.
 

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 9:41:44 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

Mistress Sassy I don't think that professional Dommes have taken away communication at all. In fact I'm sure that as it is your business to please a client then you are probably better at understanding their needs than I am. And understanding is a part of good communication.
After all you are a professional and it seems a very good one.
However as a Dominant woman I do not rely on pleasing a man.
Of course I want him to be happy in a relationship with me.
But if he isn't happy doing what I want him to do for me and with me then I am the wrong woman for him. It's as simple as that.



As a Dominant Woman I dont make a priority to please men.
Yes I do sort of cater to what My submissives like.
I get more pleasure doing the sessions than the submissives.
Thats why I do it for My pleasure and its not a sexual pleasure either.
Its just a pleasureable experience to torture submissives.


_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 10:25:53 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks slaverosebeauty. That's just what I wanted.
Now please will a male sub contribute.
I know women don't play at being submissive in general.
But I want to find a really submissive man.
There must be at least one out there that isn't collared.
Being submissive does not stop you from being a man.
Just like being dominant does not stop me from being a woman.
I'm just as sentimental, emotional, loving, caring etc as any submissive woman. More than a lot.
I just do it in a dominant way.
I can also be just as tough, demanding and yes selfish as any man.
So can we please put the gender stereotypes to rest.
So I have urged dominant women to come out of the closet now I urge submissive men. Because as far as I am concerned their are a lot of profiles on this and every site that states submissive and they actually want to call the shots.
On alt it actually says 'role'.
Perhaps they are all just players.
The trouble with playing just like in vanilla people get emotionally hurt.
Now if your paying then presumably you can call the shots.
But not in a relationship with me you don't.

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 11:31:51 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Lateralist, congratulations on your first new topic.  It's an interesting thought and certain to bring forth some good discussion.
 
Personally, I am prone to use the word "play" to describe activities related to BDSM.  A quick glane to the dictionary actually has a very long list of definitions.  I won't reprint the whole thing, but here's what was at the top:
 
Main Entry: 2play
intransitive senses
1 a : to engage in sport or recreation

When using a word to describe a scene, such as at a club, the word seems to be a good fit.  The way I see it, I'm having fun, otherwise, what am I doing it for?  If I'm not enjoying it, what's the point?  Does it mean that I don't take the lifestyle or My relationships seriously?  Of course not.  It just means that I'm enjoying what I am doing.
 
In My view the lifestyle, just like life, isn't always stern and serious.  Sometimes it's fun.  Sometimes it's amusing.  Wouldn't it be rather boring if it wasn't?

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: roles and scenes - 7/21/2007 1:08:08 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Mistress Sassy are you talking about your clients when you talk about your submissives? If so then what a great way to make a living lol.
If not do you have a personal relationship with them outside BDSM activities?
This is my other problem.
I want the whole thing a complete relationship.
Whereas men only want to meet me for BDSM 'play'.
It's like it's the only thing about me that interests them.
Actually I've just realised there are vanilla men who only want women for one thing as well lol.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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