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Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 7:09:11 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Someone emailed me a great question asking me to elaborate more on my ideas regarding insecurities being selfish and it was such a great question I figured I'd go ahead and post my answer here for discussion:

Well not ALL insecurities are rooted in selfishness.  For example, I'm insecure about my teeth- they have some problems and not well maintained.  This is more about vanity, ego, and public perception- fear of being rejected.  That's not really selfish.

However, having an insecurity that "I'm not good enough for him" when it's someone who has already said you ARE good enough for them and in fact they want you, is a persistant negative sense of self within you, a self-centered need for continued approval and energy from another.

This again isn't NECESSEARILY bad or wrong- lord knows I've got a handful of them as does my partner.  But you have to recognize them for what they are.  While all insecurities come from a place of "I'm not good enough" no insecurites in and of themselves actually PREVENT us from acting like we ARE, in fact, good enough.  

In fact an amusing bit of psychology we often do for ourselves is to put on an OVERconfident front to mask an insecurity which often ends up being a neon sign to manipulators who can smell it a mile away.

Basically I'm trying to say that having insecurities is going to happen- in doms too!  It's much more about recognizing and being aware of your insecurities and the impact they have on you, and taking control of them directly so that YOU are in charge, not your insecurities.

And being selfish and self-centered isn't wrong or bad necessarily either- it's when you recognize that something isn't working and there is a problem, and you stay mired down in the "I'm not good enough" mud pit rather than really working to get out of it, that you get issues.  And it's even ok to have a day you're stuck in the mud.  They happen.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 7:55:15 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Great post. Would also like to add that while having insecurities is a human trait, i don't know anyone who has none at all, and is therefore not necessarily a negative. Allowing them to control you (you being used in the generic sense here) can have a very negative impact on one's relationships. Uncontrolled insecurities can become a never-ending void in a person's life driving them to need constant reassurance and energy from the other people in their lives. Eventually most people get tired of having to constantly fill that void. And then a self-destructive cycle occurs, when the relationship ends because the other person became tired of having to constantly feed that void, reinforcing what the person already believes about themselves that they are not good enough and that no one loves them or will ever love them because of their not being good enough. It can end up becoming a self-perpetuating cycle of disappointment and hurt all brought about because of rather than controlling one's insecurities, we allow them to control us.

Again great post LA

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 7:57:55 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		LA,
the first time i read you say that insecurities were selfish i didn't get what you meant. The more i thought about it the more i realized how right you are.

Now i make an effort to figure out what my motivation is whenever i'm feeling insecure and not worthy. Sometime i just need to hear that i've done well and that He is proud of me. i haven't quite got to the point of being able to ask him directly to tell me those things but i am able to ask if i have done well and if He is proud of me. That in it's self is a huge improvement for me.

i think that every time i am able to pull myself from that insecure selfish mindset brings me a bit closer to being secure.

thanks for this post
lil_joy

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:07:42 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Good post and quite thought provoking ~
 
i wish we could have met while i was in Austin...perhaps another visit.

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:12:36 AM   
Ayanaev717


Posts: 72
Status: offline 		Everyone can be selfish and insecure. I think it becomes a big problem when one doesn't know it and goes along destroying other people. The word denial comes to mind. Then you have a person living their lives on others. Extremely unhealthy.

I have always wondered as a dominant. Do I tell my sub about my obvious insecurities? Or do I simply tell them through trial and error. I have always felt honesty is the best policy.

Always,

Ayanaev

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:12:48 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		What's more, the more we dwell on insecurities within ourselves, the harder it is to be able to reach out towards another.  In a submissive, it means not being able to focus properly on the owner/dominant (because a portion of their attention is on themself).

In a dominant, it means not giving the appropriate attention that it requires to foster the submissiveness in another.

I consider myself very fortunate that in accepting the Lifestyle and my role in it, actually 'was' one of my final (if not my last) insecurities.  That meant that from the start I was always able to look outward towards a partner and develop her desires and be a good role model on her journey.

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:14:23 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		LA,

I disagree that insecurities are selfish although I think that disagreement is rooted in the semantics of how you define selfish.  However, the meat of your post I agree with.

I fight insecurities, some I have long known I have, others I have had for a long time and only recently discovered.

It is easy for me to play with a woman who I don't see as a life partner.  I see my current partner as not just a life partner, but my soul mate in very real terms, but the part that drives my insecurities is the fact she is pretty damn amazing.  Combine that with the fact she HAS manipulated men and toyed with them and that plays right into my insecurities of "while I am a "big" man in the scene in the vanilla world I ain't much, back in school, etc."  The reality of that is and isn't true but is a reality to me in my head.

SO, when there comes one of those days where she changes her habits and instead of calling constantly and instead doesn't, I feel toyed with.  It isn't real, she loves me and my rational side knows that and does its best to calm my heart/vulnerable side.  I shouldn't worry, I mean I know she thinks I am amazing, I know that I do have this effect on women, I know she feels the same connection I do, but a part of me just can't accept that.  I would call that side many things but not selfish, afraid perhaps, idiotic definitely, I mean it IS only a frigging phone call.  It doesn't help that we don't live together as that would ground me differently than being 3,011 miles apart.

I guess this was more of a vent than a response but there it is.

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:18:42 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
Thank you for posting this, since insecurities often cause some very negative and hurtful behavior, such as bullying and putting others down.  It is my belief that accepting yourself, just as you are, and striving to be the best YOU, that you can be, rather than trying to remake yourself into someone else is the key to combating the fear of rejection that causes, in my opinion, most feelings of insecurity. Everyone is born with a natural tendency to fear rejection, because our very survival as a baby is dependent on others being there for us and taking care of us.  But, as we mature and become capable of caring for ourselves, there is a lessening need to rely on others for our survival and we learn to feel more confident in our own abilities.  Still, most people continue to have a deep-seeded, underlying fear of rejection that continues to need to be addressed and kept in check, in order to not let it rule our emotions.   Understanding that no one is perfect and everyone, no matter how "perfect" their life might seem, has some self-doubt, should help us to realize that it's natural and normal to feel insecure.  Recognizing that we each have our own unique strengths and positive qualities, as well as weaknesses and negative qualities, can help us to see ourselves in a more balanced light and to work on making the most of our strengths, rather than constantly dwell on and beat ourselves up about our weaknesses and negative qualities. Being self accepting and loving yourself is not the same as being egotistical or conceited and it isn't selfish.  It is respecting yourself and the unique person you were created to be, warts and all. As always, my personal views. slave joy,Owned property of Master David

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 7/13/2007 8:21:25 AM >

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:20:37 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i don't know about anyone else, but i have found a vent helps greatly in not allowing an insecurity to control me. Quite often in venting to others, their input helps us to listen to that rational side of our brain that is telling us it is only a phone call and thereby we keep our insecurities from potentially destroying something wonderful.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:45:24 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Dear LuckyAlbatross,

First let me get this out of the way, i am smitten, there i've said it. (blushes)

Recently, a Domina emailed me forwarding some very nice comments
and requesting a picture of myself. i politely replied and consented, but
shared that i was critical about my image in photographs and have
never felt i was very photogenic. Her reply stated that She had an
"mmmmmmm" reaction to my photo before reading of my picture
"insecurities". i will admit that the word stung a bit, and i felt a bit judged
by Her response. No other communication was forwarded by either.

Your post has me thinking however, that yes, perhaps i am insecure of
how others will judge me on looks. And, i really don't know why i even
felt the need to forward my self-critique along with my picture. i suppose
my insecurity was seeking forgiveness from a perceived judgement that
i assumed would exist. In the end, i was not judged by my image, but
by my obvious need to frame it in explanation. Lesson learned i suppose.

As a stylist, i spend the day long helping others overcome the insecurities
they have of their own image. Perhaps it is time for a little self-makeover.

Thanks for getting me to think about it.

chia* (the pet) 

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:47:14 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		LOL one of the many things I work hard with my partner about is stopping his automatic desire to preface and amend and caveat EVERYTHING before he actually gets to the point or reveals something about himself and get him to just say it and be confident about it.  He's a LOT better on that now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:48:24 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I disagree that insecurities are selfish although I think that disagreement is rooted in the semantics of how you define selfish.  However, the meat of your post I agree with.

Do you mean that you never consider any insecurities selfish?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 8:50:41 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Your post has me thinking however, that yes, perhaps i am insecure of
how others will judge me on looks. And, i really don't know why i even
felt the need to forward my self-critique along with my picture. i suppose
my insecurity was seeking forgiveness from a perceived judgement that
i assumed would exist. In the end, i was not judged by my image, but
by my obvious need to frame it in explanation. Lesson learned i suppose.

chia* (the pet) 


chia,
How well i relate to this... i am aware the image i see in the mirror and in the photograph is distorted by my insecurities and i have sabatoged many relationships with the very scenario you describe above. "Confidence" seems to be the key aphrodesiac and one i personally need to work on~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to chiaThePet)
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:10:30 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

LOL one of the many things I work hard with my partner about is stopping his automatic desire to preface and amend and caveat EVERYTHING before he actually gets to the point or reveals something about himself and get him to just say it and be confident about it.  He's a LOT better on that now.

I totally agree.  This situation happens with several people who are very close to me. Usually under the guise of self deprecating humor which is completely transparent.  I make them back up and take it back and will usually take them to task for it.
Where I feel selfishness enters the picture is when babysitting another person's insecurities becomes too labor intensive (ie: high maintenance), the relationship or friendship becomes very one sided and I tire of it quickly.  They tend to be the same people who create tremendous drama in their lives and the lives of those around them. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I don't DO drama. 

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:13:25 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Your post has me thinking however, that yes, perhaps i am insecure of
how others will judge me on looks. And, i really don't know why i even
felt the need to forward my self-critique along with my picture. i suppose
my insecurity was seeking forgiveness from a perceived judgement that
i assumed would exist. In the end, i was not judged by my image, but
by my obvious need to frame it in explanation. Lesson learned i suppose.

chia* (the pet) 


chia,
How well i relate to this... i am aware the image i see in the mirror and in the photograph is distorted by my insecurities and i have sabatoged many relationships with the very scenario you describe above. "Confidence" seems to be the key aphrodesiac and one i personally need to work on~


Dawn,
We all critique our looks, our bodies, etc.. But from this view, you are HOT and have not one  single thing to be insecure about!

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to dawntreader)
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:24:00 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		It's my opinion, that no matter how many compliments you might get from others or how many times others might express their admiration for your looks or other qualities, until you believe in yourself and accept yourself and feel good about yourself and see yourself as a beautiful person, not in a conceited way, but in a balanced way of positive self-esteem, those compliments are nice but not very meaningful.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

Edited to add:  After all, it's true that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and you need to behold your own unique beauty from your own eye, before you can truly believe that anyone else sees you as beautiful.  Also, we tend to see what we are looking for and, if we are looking for our flaws, when we look at ourselves in the mirror or in pictures, that is what's going to stand out to us.  But, if we look FOR our beauty, we can begin to see it and the flaws will fade from our view.

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 7/13/2007 9:55:41 AM >

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:24:19 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thankyou BSB... to look thru someone else eyes just once would be truly liberating.
In the meantime, i focus on the "within"...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:43:48 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		LA,

I know my insecurities don't come from a selfish place, some of the ways I feed my heart are certainly selfish.  My need for touch and massage is legend and that IS all about me.

I think of selfish as someone who thinks things are all about them and or don't really understand that other people exist and have value.  People who are deeply fussy about food (for some I realize have genuine food issues) for the sole reason of making everyone jump through hoops are genuinely selfish, same goes with being late, I think that is all about only thinking about yourself and not caring about others.

Not being able to look at a picture of yourself and not see some sort of troll (as I do with 99.9% of the pictures of myself) is in no way about selfishness as it is commonly expressed.  Why not start by defining what you mean by selfishness so we can all work from a common definition?

Oh and thanks for a wonderful and thoughtful thread.

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RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 9:59:45 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy

Edited to add:  After all, it's true that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and you need to behold your own unique beauty from your own eye, before you can truly believe that anyone else sees you as beautiful.


This is very true joy and i agree...
 
And yet some wounds and negative thoughts are so difficult to erase and i have a lifetime of such things ~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Insecurities & Selfishness - 7/13/2007 10:06:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
I know my insecurities don't come from a selfish place, some of the ways I feed my heart are certainly selfish.  My need for touch and massage is legend and that IS all about me.

Again, my OP said that NOT ALL insecurities are selfish.  I'm still not understanding if you think NO insecurities are selfish, or if you think I said that all insecurities are selfish.

quote:

 Why not start by defining what you mean by selfishness so we can all work from a common definition?

Ha ha, no way am I getting roped into that, certainly not on my own thread.  It's all whatever definition works for you.  These are my thoughts and my ideas.  If you want further explanation, I'll go so far as to say "need for self" and that's it.  Take it for what it is, and if it works for you, great, if not, great.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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