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Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 1:40:52 AM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4382
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Canada
Status: offline 		In the past I have looked for a dominant male to become involved with in a long term relationship. Despite the differences, I had an expectation of the search being somewhat like finding a vanilla partner. But I constantly came up against personal intimate questions and expectations that I found very off-putting. If I met a guy in the vanilla world for the first time, would they ask me personal details about my sexual preferences? Now I realize those in the kinky world would want to know these things to see if you might be compatible or not. But my point is, why are all things sexual the primary interest of many dominant men I have encountered online? Are they not interested in seeing if I am compatible on a non-sexual level? Are they not interested in who I am as a person? Or maybe I am just running into a neverending string of horny net geeks? I've become doubtful that the type of mate I would love to be involved with even exists. Are there any dominant men out there interested in cultivating a relationship that conatins more than kink, sex and subservience? Why does it seem so impossible to get to know a dominant man in a non-sexual context first?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not frigid or averse to sex. In fact I can't wait to unleash all of my pent up sexual frustrations on a future mate! Or not...if he's into denying me. *grins* My point is, I'm not into casual sex and I don't want to be used for sex and fun, only to be set aside as someone who was only good enough to be a temporary toy.

So...am I looking in the wrong place?


Even if I'm not, I've decided to close my membership here by the end of this week. Whether or not the right dominant exists for me, I need to work on my self-esteem and it seems to me that it's pointless for me to be here until I gain some confidence in myself.

I look forward to the responses any of you choose to leave here. Mahalo!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 3:17:41 AM   
OhToFly


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline 		Wow. I know how you feel. I'm faced with almost the same problem. 

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 3:23:24 AM   
m0rgan


Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		i'm sure thats all fine and dandy, girls, but do you like to suck cock?!!!!!!........ ;>)

_____________________________


download this, the girls voice will make you damp--->

http://www.saab.com/main/GLOBAL/en/download_release_me.shtml


a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou,
beside me, in the wilderness, were paradise enough!

(in reply to OhToFly)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 3:27:17 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe you could go to munches, get into the scene, meet people and get to know them that way? 

Or list the sexual stuff but ask other things too?

It's really difficult, I know.  There's no easy way, and whoever does earn your trust is going to be a very fortunate Dom.  Keep trying.

(in reply to OhToFly)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 3:46:16 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		D, a lot of these guys who are hitting you up about your sexual activities and proclivities are not Doms. They are horny dudes looking for an easy mark. Don't participate - simple.

Read posts, strike up private conversations with people (not just with Doms) who interest you. Look at profiles, choose the interesting ones, and send a conversation starter.

In short, BE the person you are looking for. It's not all about "finding a Dom". When your only focus is finding a relationship, you miss the stuff on the periphery.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 5:05:40 AM   
Valyraen


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not sure how much of a point there is to even replying to this thread, since you seem bound and determined to leave before the week is over, but I'll give it a shot for the sake of bein' helpful.

Have you been running into a string of HNGs? Yes, and it's as simple as that. Those are guys who think with their cocks, and the cognitive process never gets much further beyond said appendage. Also, you're looking online; in my experience, the ratio of "quality" people to HNGs takes a drastic drop when you factor in a computer, and I think you might need to keep this fact in perspective. I might suggest taking Becca's advice and trying out your local BDSM community.

Now, with that said... don't lose hope, the kind of guy you're looking for is out there. I can say this with confidence because I'm sure that there's more than one guy like me out there... we just take some looking for. Aqua found me when I was 99.5% vanilla and gently introduced me to the existence of BDSM. The rest, as they say, is history... But seriously, if you know what you're looking for, by all means take any steps you feel appropriate to getting it! Be firm and confident - which I know, from personal experience, can be an absolutely terrifying idea - and don't back down from your standards or your goal.

Good luck,
Valyraen

_____________________________

CM's Resident Fuzzy Kitteh

There is no creature more loving than a hungry cat.

Valyraen in ValyraenandAqua

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 5:43:02 AM   
Park


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
I think your doing the absolute right thing. Self esteem directly influences the kind of partner you attract. If in your heart you dont feel worthy of being adored, of being explored in all ways, you wont be. you'll just be used.

(in reply to Valyraen)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 5:47:40 AM   
Master96


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

Are there any dominant men out there interested in cultivating a relationship that conatins more than kink, sex and subservience?




Me.. me, me, me, me lol

I agree with the others, good luck :)

_____________________________

Master96,

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Understand that actions will always speak louder than words.


Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence? - Sai Baba

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 6:13:39 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

In the past I have looked for a dominant male to become involved with in a long term relationship. Despite the differences, I had an expectation of the search being somewhat like finding a vanilla partner. But I constantly came up against personal intimate questions and expectations that I found very off-putting. If I met a guy in the vanilla world for the first time, would they ask me personal details about my sexual preferences? Now I realize those in the kinky world would want to know these things to see if you might be compatible or not. But my point is, why are all things sexual the primary interest of many dominant men I have encountered online? Are they not interested in seeing if I am compatible on a non-sexual level? Are they not interested in who I am as a person? Or maybe I am just running into a neverending string of horny net geeks? I've become doubtful that the type of mate I would love to be involved with even exists. Are there any dominant men out there interested in cultivating a relationship that conatins more than kink, sex and subservience? Why does it seem so impossible to get to know a dominant man in a non-sexual context first?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not frigid or averse to sex. In fact I can't wait to unleash all of my pent up sexual frustrations on a future mate! Or not...if he's into denying me. *grins* My point is, I'm not into casual sex and I don't want to be used for sex and fun, only to be set aside as someone who was only good enough to be a temporary toy.

So...am I looking in the wrong place?


Even if I'm not, I've decided to close my membership here by the end of this week. Whether or not the right dominant exists for me, I need to work on my self-esteem and it seems to me that it's pointless for me to be here until I gain some confidence in myself.

I look forward to the responses any of you choose to leave here. Mahalo!



There certainly are men that are looking for more than a quick lay.
 
But, bdsm is, for a large majority, hardwired and linked to sex, including horny fellows that don't seem able to think beyond getting their twinkies dunked.
 
Hopefully, you'll find reason enough to stick around, if not, I hope you find what you seek.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 6:46:02 AM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse;  Its not just the male Doms that are primarily horny toads, its also a trait of the male subs.  The "do me" emails I receive outnumber the informative emails by at least 10:1  Believe it or not, the "chastity" subs are worse than the rest of them!

Take heart though, I have met a few good men on this site and also made some good friends.  If you are involved in your (local) scene, it is easier to meet people.  Try to also go to the bigger events and mingle.  Just remember, making friends can help in your search because you can never tell who they know that you don't.

Good luck however you play it.

~Psy... who is well fed and purring

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 6:53:00 AM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		When I started dating Doms, I also found the reversal of priorities confusing. I would find myself discussing things on the first date that never even came up in previous long-term relationships. I kinda found it refreshing, too. I could be honest about myself and my sexual needs. Maybe that's a better way of thinking about it. I mean, it's nice to have mutual vanilla interests, but if his major kink totally grosses you out, it ain't gonna work now, is it?
 
I did once get "burned" by this phenomenon- after a second date with what I thought was a great dom, I admitted that I had very limited experience with anal, and was really hesitant. He told me he totally needed that. He never called me again. As Master will tell you- there are alot of fools in the world. If he had had the patience to teach me like Master has done...... Oh well, his loss.

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 7:00:05 AM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		it is an adjustment to be made.....i used to discuss all my fantasies and realities, hoping it would either spark an interest or lack there of....

then i discovered that so many are looking for material to jerk off too......the oh tell me more had nothing to do with wanting to get to know me.....it was about them getting to get their jollies and move on.....

i started limiting the amount of things id discuss before meeting face to face........this makes the wankers disappear quickly, for me at least.....

i hope you dont give up.  finding the reality is worth all the crap you put up with.....just dont take it all too seriously and you can learn something from almost everyone.

ps.....what is an HNG?

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 7:02:55 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		HNG = horny net geek

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:24:44 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Another thought, D.

When someone asks you something that you find a little too personal, say so. ~shrug~ Those who respect your wishes are worthy of further contact.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:29:24 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Zackly.

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:29:27 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		including horny fellows that don't seem able to think beyond getting their twinkies dunked.
 
Thanks Level!!!  Now I have pop all over my keyboard, tears running down my face!  That was too funny!  I know, I know, I have a very weird sense of humor....

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:33:38 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50


Thanks Level!!!  Now I have pop all over my keyboard,



OMG. I read that as "poop". ~gasping for air~

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to cuddleheart50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:33:40 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD
But my point is, why are all things sexual the primary interest of many dominant men I have encountered online?

I can't argue with their logic. One of the first things I did was find out if Valyraen would beat me. Otherwise he would have been a waste of my time and I should have moved on before I got attached.
quote:


Are they not interested in seeing if I am compatible on a non-sexual level?

Yes. Just first they want to make sure they aren't going to have to call it off and have hurt feelings all around because you have a hard limit about giving blowjobs under the table while he eats when that is something they live for.
quote:


Are they not interested in who I am as a person?

See above.
quote:


Or maybe I am just running into a neverending string of horny net geeks?

Are they telling you that you will give them blowjobs under the table and then asking you for a detailed description of how you will do it?
quote:


I've become doubtful that the type of mate I would love to be involved with even exists. Are there any dominant men out there interested in cultivating a relationship that conatins more than kink, sex and subservience? Why does it seem so impossible to get to know a dominant man in a non-sexual context first?

Yes there are. However, when kinks don't match it can be quite bad for the relationship. Best to find out potential deal-breakers up front. If you want to get to know a man in a non-sexual context first, I suggest going out into "vanilla-land", finding a man with a alpha personality type and crack a few kinky jokes to see how he responds.
quote:


Don't get me wrong. I'm not frigid or averse to sex. In fact I can't wait to unleash all of my pent up sexual frustrations on a future mate! Or not...if he's into denying me. *grins* My point is, I'm not into casual sex and I don't want to be used for sex and fun, only to be set aside as someone who w as only good enough to be a temporary toy.

What makes you think they are looking for something temporary? Did they say that or are you assuming it?
quote:

  
Even if I'm not, I've decided to close my membership here by the end of this week. Whether or not the right dominant exists for me, I need to work on my self-esteem and it seems to me that it's pointless for me to be here until I gain some confidence in myself.

I look forward to the responses any of you choose to leave here. Mahalo!



You have to make the choices that are best for you. I hope you give this some thought and that it proves to be of some help to you. Good luck in your future search.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:35:32 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I need to work on my self-esteem and it seems to me that it's pointless for me to be here until I gain some confidence in myself.


Yep, you do.  You can't give away and or surrender if you don't have anything to give away or surrender.

As for being asked if you like eating the cum out of your ass after anal sex, you ARE looking for an S&M partner aren't you?  I admonished my partner this weekend for asking someone where they worked because in THIS world that is a rude question although it is quite a polite and common one in the vanilla world.  Asking about sex, pain, D/s styles, etc would get you slapped in the vanilla world but it IS why we are here after all, get used to it.

On a nicer note, looking purely online by reading profiles is going to get you a lot of  horny idiots.  Hell, I do the same, there are a number of women here who I have had little contact with other than some deliciously wicked phone sex.  I would be deeply turned off by a woman who refused to talk about sex ALTHOUGH a woman who responded to a specific question with "I don't feel comfortable talking about that YET" would impress and interest me. 

Being able to know your boundaries, communicate them clearly, and defend them politely but firmly is not only hot, it is a prerequisite in my mind for a good partner.

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Kink, Sex and Romance - 7/4/2007 8:37:06 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50


Thanks Level!!!  Now I have pop all over my keyboard,



OMG. I read that as "poop". ~gasping for air~


LOL......... okay, I'm putting that on my "questionnaire": do you poop on your keyboard?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 20
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